Renfield Quotes in Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.

Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!

Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?

[after he has inadvertently killed Dracula]

Renfield: Master... I'm sorry !

[draws a smiley face in the ashes]

Renfield: There... you're starting to look like your old self again!

[He breaks down crying]

Martin: [throwing Renfield back into his cell] You'll stay in here 'til you rot!

[locks door]

Martin: [Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later] Well, you're free to go!

Renfield: Why? How?

Martin: Good behavior.

Renfield: But I've only been here for a moment.

Martin: For that moment, you were very good.

Renfield: [as the two Vampire brides climb into his bed] Whatare you on about? What's all this then? Who are you people? I-I'll have you know that's my knee your Straddiling!

Renfield: [they start to gyrate on top of him] No, Stop! Stop it at once! Oh! Ah... No, no this is wrong! This is wrong! This is wrong, do you hear me, wrong! this is-

[He starts to moan]

Renfield: WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!

Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What on earth are you doing to the furniture?

Renfield: [Renfield has been caught peeping at Lucy, and is being thrown back into the Asylum] I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything!

Renfield: [Orderly who threw him in the cell leaves] I saw everything.

Dracula: [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it's real] Everything is so lovely and colorful, and the sun is so shiny!

[He spots two lovers having a picnic]

Dracula: Say there, I just can't help that it is so lovely out here today, but if I could just spare it for a piece of your... chicken?

Lover at Picnic: Oh sure, and some wine?

Dracula: I never drink... wine

[thinks for about three seconds]

Dracula: Oh what the hell, let me try it.

[tastes the wine]

Dracula: ...It's good!

Renfield: [Running towards him shouting] Master! Master!

Dracula: [Happy to see him] Renfield, look at me! I'm drinking wine, and eating chicken!

Renfield: Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?

Dracula: Relax Renfield, I am cured!

[smoke starts coming out of him]

Renfield: No, no you're not! Look!

Dracula: [realizing the smoke] I... made... a mistake... I've got to get back to my coffin!

[He wakes up in panic noticing the dark out the window then, calms down]

Dracula: It is night time, so it wasn't real, I was having... a daymare.

[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]

Dr. Steward: I was just telling Ma... what was that?

Renfield: Huh?

Dr. Steward: You just grabbed something from the table.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Steward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.

Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.

Dr. Steward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.

Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.

[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]

Dr. Steward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!

Renfield: Huh?

Dr. Steward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.

Renfield: I did not.

Dr. Steward: Yes, you did.

[this goes on for two and a half rounds]

Dr. Steward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!

Renfield: A spider?

[swallows the spider in his mouth]

Renfield: How absurd!

Renfield: No! Not ANOTHER enema!

Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare!

Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women; grinding, heaving. I don't know how to describe it...

[pause]

Renfield: Have you ever been to Paris?

[still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]

Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork!

[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]

Dr. Steward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?

Renfield: Fork found!

[comes back up]

Renfield: Sorry for the delay.

[the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]

Dr. Steward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!

Renfield: What makes you say that?

Dr. Steward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!

Renfield: Out of my mouth?

Dr. Steward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!

Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!

Dr. Steward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!

[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]

Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!

Dr. Steward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter!

[Renfield spots a fly]

Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling!

[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]

Renfield: Don't be afraid!

[laughs in a strange tone]

Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!

[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]

Renfield: [as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] "Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong me!"

Renfield: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?

Van Helsing: Yes!... and no...

Renfield: Then what are you saying?

Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.

Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying yes.

Van Helsing: No.

Jonathan Harker: Then you're saying no.

Van Helsing: Not necessarily.

Renfield: You sound dubious.

Van Helsing: No -I'm positive!

Renfield: Of what?

Van Helsing: Of my theory!

Renfield: And that would be?

Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.

Dracula: [after flying out the window to the ground below] Time for you to join me! Come, Renfield.

[Renfield obeys and dives out the window, crash-landing on the ground below, then staggers disoriented to his feet]

Renfield: [Hobbles in pain] Yes, Master... Yes... Ohhhh!

Dracula: Renfield... I meant for you to use the drainpipe

[Points]

Dracula: I fly... You don't!

Renfield: Yes, master... You fly... I don't... Yes, yes...

[Hobbling off behind DRACULA]

Renfield: Yes MASTER!

Renfield: Master! Master!... I mean... Mister! Mister!

Renfield: Alright! Forget cell phones, forget iPhones, forget PowerBooks, forget iPads.

Stacy: Yay...

Renfield: Now, I can do everything I want with my iPad mini.

Stacy: That looks just like your phone...

Renfield: But it doesn't make calls. I got my tweets, I got my emails, I got my friends, I got my alerts, I got my Angry Birds...

Goody: So as the day progresses you can read thousands of unsolicited messages, advertisements, and the mindless brain vomit of acquaintances...

Stacy: Someone sounds hormonal, maybe you're pregnant too!

Goody: Ugh, its so annoying, you have to keep learning to use new crap that doesn't actually do anything better than the old crap, which is incompatible with the new crap, all so that you can have blogs and watch fake teenagers and real housewives, and its all happening too fast and I'm tired! I'm just sick and tired of it all!

Stacy: It's OK, we don't have to get the iPad mini.

Commissare Woman: Either you spend the rest of your life in an efficiency apartment with seven dissidents and one toilet, or you gather your aristocratic shit together and split.

Count Dracula: Renfield.

Renfield: Yes, master.

Count Dracula: What is an efficiency apartment?

Renfield: I don't know, master. What's a toilet?

Renfield: I think they're from the government.

Count Dracula: How do you know?

Renfield: They're wearing shoes.

Renfield: You have 30 seconds to tell me where Miss Sondheim is, or...

Cindy's Modeling Agent: Or what? You'll eat your lunch in my office?

Renfield: No-o-o, my lunch will eat you.

Renfield: I thought you were having fun.

Count Dracula: Fun? How would you like to go around looking like a head waiter for 700 years?

Count Dracula: We're going to make a hoist.

Renfield: Heist! Heist, heist.

Cindy Sondheim: [to Renfield] Why did you tell him that?

Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Because the bad guys always tell the good guys what they're going to do just before they try to kill them.

Renfield: He's absolutely right, Miss Cindy, that's part of the rules. But in this case, WE are they good guys.

Renfield: Master, please be careful!

Count Dracula: What is it?

Renfield: You nearly stepped on my dinner!

[a black beetle]

Count Dracula: Forgive me. Bon appetit!

Stewardess: Pardon me. Would you like chicken Kiev, Chateaubriand or veal cutlet Florentine for lunch?

Renfield: Everything you mentioned is dead. Don't you have anything that's alive and kicking?

Lady on plane with Cat: [scoffs at Renfield] I'll have the chicken Kiev, miss. Oh, why don't you bring a nice juicy mouse for little Salome here?

Renfield: Could I have one, too?

[the lady laughs and Renfield laughs with her]

[to Dracula and Renfield]

Nurse at Bloodbank: If you two freaks don't get out of here, I AM GOING TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF!

Renfield: If you scream loudly, they'll think you where frightened by a mouse.

[Renfield places a live mouse above the opening in the nurse's blouse - the nurse screams and runs out of the room. Renfield laughs]

[Renfield and the Count drive up to a blood bank in a hearse]

Count Dracula: You did real well, Renfield.

Renfield: Thank you, Master.

Count Dracula: A combination getaway car and mobile home!

[Renfield opens a refrigerator at the blood bank that's stocked with units of blood]

Renfield: Master! We hit the jackpot!

Count Dracula: Only in America! Plastic disposable bodies! It's like a supermarket!

Renfield: I'm no lunatic man. I'm a sane man fighting for his soul.

[Renfield holds a plate of bugs]

Renfield: Would you care for a hors d'oeuvre, Dr. Seward or a canapé?

Doctor Jack Seward: No, thank you, Mr. Renfield. How are you feeling tonight?

Renfield: Far better than you, my lovesick doctor.

Doctor Jack Seward: Is my personal life of interest to you?

Renfield: Of course it is. All life interests me.

Doctor Jack Seward: Your diet, Mr. Renfield, is disgusting.

Renfield: Actually, they're perfectly nutritious. You see, each life that I ingest gives back life to me.

Doctor Jack Seward: The fly gives you life?

Renfield: Certainly. But you might as well ask a man to eat molecules with a pair of chopsticks than to interest me in lesser carnivore.

Doctor Jack Seward: I shall have to invent a new classification of a lunatic for you. What about spiders? Spiders eat the flies.

Renfield: Yes, spiders eat them.

Doctor Jack Seward: What about sparrows?

Renfield: Oh, yes. Did you say sparrows?

Doctor Jack Seward: Something larger perhaps?

Renfield: Oh, yes. A kitten. I beg you. A little, sleek - a playful kitten. Something I can teach. Something I can feed. No one would refuse me a kitten.

Doctor Jack Seward: Wouldn't you prefer a cat?

Renfield: Oh, yes, a big cat! My salvation depends upon it!

Doctor Jack Seward: Your salvation?

Renfield: Yes! I need lives. I need lives for the master!

Doctor Jack Seward: What? What master?

Renfield: The master will come, and he has promised to make me immortal!

Doctor Jack Seward: How?

[Renfield suddenly attacks Seward and the guards rush in to subdue him]

Renfield: The blood is the life! The blood is the life!

Count Dracula: I am Dracula.

Renfield: Oh, it's really good to see you. I don't know what happened to the driver and my luggage and... Well, and with all this, I thought I was in the wrong place.

Count Dracula: I bid you welcome.

[Dracula goes up the stairs. Renfield starts to follow him. Suddenly, Dracula hears wolves howling]

Count Dracula: Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.

[Dracula goes up the steps and waits for Renfield, who, without difficulty, cuts open a hole in a huge spider's web using his walking stick]

Count Dracula: The spider spinning his web for the unwary fly. The blood is the life, Mr. Renfield.

Renfield: Why, er... yes.

Count Dracula: This is very old wine. I hope you will like it.

Renfield: Aren't you drinking?

Count Dracula: I never drink... wine.

Martin: Aren't you ashamed now? Aren't you? Spiders now, is it? Flies ain't good enough!

Renfield: Flies? Flies? Poor puny things! Who wants to eat flies?

Martin: You do, you loony!

Renfield: Not when I can get nice fat spiders!

Martin: All right, have it your own way.

Innkeeper: Castle Dracula?

Renfield: Yes. That's where I'm going.

Innkeeper: To the castle?

Renfield: Yes.

Innkeeper: No. You musn't go there. We people of the mountains believe in the castle there are vampires. Dracula and his wives - they take the form of wolves and bats. They leave their coffins at night and they feed on the blood of the living.

Renfield, Van Helsing: Mr. Harker, I have devoted my lifetime to the study of many strange things. Little-known facts which the world is, perhaps, better off for not knowing.

John Harker: I know. But Professor, all I want is to get Mina away from all of this.

Van Helsing: That will do no good. Our only chance of saving Miss Mina's life is to find the hiding place of Dracula's living corpse and to drive a stake through its heart.

Renfield: Isn't this a strange conversation for men who aren't crazy?

Renfield: He came and stood below my window in the moonlight. And he promised me things, not in words, but by doing them.

Van Helsing: Doing them?

Renfield: By making them happen. A red mist spread over the lawn, coming on like a flame of fire! And then he parted it, and I could see that there were thousands of rats, with their eyes blazing red,l ike his, only smaller. Then he held up his hand, and they all stopped, and I thought he seemed to be saying: "Rats! Rats! Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red-blood! All these will I give you! If you will obey me!"

Van Helsing: What did he want you to do?

Renfield: That which has already been done!

[giggles sinisterly]

Renfield: No, no, master. I wasn't going to say anything, I told them nothing. I am loyal to you master.

Renfield: Rats. Rats. Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red blood! All these will I give you if you will obey me.

Van Helsing: You'll die in torment if you die with innocent blood on your soul.

Renfield: God will not damn a poor lunatic's soul. He knows that the powers of evil are too great for those with weak minds.

Renfield: I'm loyal to you, Master, I am your slave, I didn't betray you! Oh, no, don't! Don't kill me! Let me live, please! Punish me, torture me, but let me live! I can't die with all those lives on my conscience! All that blood on my hands!

[Dracula picks up Renfield with his bony hands and in a few seconds, Renfield dies]

Renfield: I'm loyal to you Master, I 'm your slave, I didn't betray you! Oh no, don't! Don't kill me! Let me live, please! Punish me - torture me - but let me live! I can't die with all those lives on my conscience, all that blood on my hands!

Renfield: You know too much to live, Van Helsing!

Van Helsing: What have you to do with Dracula?

Renfield: DRACULA?... I never even heard the name before

Nadja: I think I'm in love.

Renfield: Why do you say that?

Nadja: I feel terrible.