Red Puckett Quotes in Hoodwinked! (2005)

Red Puckett: [Red encounters the Wolf, wearing a Granny mask and apron and using a falsetto voice] Who are you ?

The Wolf: I'm your grandma.

Red Puckett: Your face looks really weird, granny.

The Wolf: I've been sick, I... uh...

Red Puckett: Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.

The Wolf: Plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done.

[Flippers has shown up uninvited]

Chief Grizzly: Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is *my* case!

Nicky Flippers: Well, someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights, thought the circus was in town.

[eyes the four detainees]

Nicky Flippers: Now of course, I see I was right.

Chief Grizzly: Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case wrapped up nice and tight.

Nicky Flippers: Is that right?

Chief Grizzly: Yeah.

Red Puckett: They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.

[Flippers turns to Red]

Nicky Flippers: Oh, I don't know. You look pretty dangerous to me. What's your name?

Red Puckett: Red.

Nicky Flippers: And why do they call you that?

Red Puckett: Why do they call you "Flippers"?

Nicky Flippers: [Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he does a backflip and lands in a splitz] Uh, no reason.

Red Puckett: They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.

Nicky Flippers: What about when you're not wearing it?

[beat]

Red Puckett: I usually wear it.

[Red has just explained how she escaped the Wolf]

Chief Grizzly: Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.

Nicky Flippers: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.

Tommy: [oinks] Chickens?

Red Puckett: You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

Nicky Flippers: Yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.

Tommy: [on radio] Yeah Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?

Bruce: Uh... the creepy one?

Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.

Nicky Flippers: [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?

Red Puckett: I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

[Red crests a hill and finds herself at the edge of a meadow, and starts to hear music]

Red Puckett: Hello?

[sees that the music is coming from Japeth, singing on the porch of his shack; Red approaches him]

Red Puckett: Hello.

[Japeth continues yodeling and strumming on his banjo]

Red Puckett: I'm looking for Granny Puckett's house?

Japeth the Goat: [singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...

Red Puckett: Could you stop singing for one moment?

Japeth the Goat: [singing] No I can't, wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...

Red Puckett: Everything?

Japeth the Goat: [speaking] That's right.

Red Puckett: You just talked! Just now!

Japeth the Goat: Oh, did I?

[singing]

Japeth the Goat: Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...

[Red turns and gives us a pissed off look]

[During her bike ride, Red stops for a family of bakers who are crossing the road, leaving behind their snack shack after being struck by the Bandit]

Red Puckett: [voiceover] With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone knew what to do, she would.

[Cuts to Granny knitting and talking on the phone]

Granny Puckett: I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.

[Her image is shrunk to a circle wipe, revealing Red using a payphone]

Red Puckett: Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping.

Granny Puckett: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.

Red Puckett: I'm not so little anymore!

Granny Puckett: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.

Red Puckett: But...

Granny Puckett: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses.

[Blows air kisses and hangs up the phone]

[Grizzly has learned that the Wolf was trying to eat Red]

Chief Grizzly: All right, get a muzzle on that guy.

The Wolf: Hey, I can explain everything.

Chief Grizzly: Well you can explain it to the judge.

[turns to Red]

Chief Grizzly: Shouldn't you be at school?

Red Puckett: Shouldn't *I* have a lawyer?

[the Wolf is impersonating Granny with a plastic mask and apron]

The Wolf: You got the loot?

Red Puckett: Whoa, what big *hands* you have.

The Wolf: Oh! All the better to scratch my back with.

Red Puckett: And what big *ears* you have...

The Wolf: [increasing in irritation] All the better to hear your... many criticisms. Old people just have big ears, dear.

Red Puckett: And Granny... what big *eyes* you have!

The Wolf: [exploding] Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?

[leans in]

The Wolf: You came here for a reason, didn't you? So tell old Granny what you've got in the basket.

Red Puckett: Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!

[the Wolf takes off the mask; Red screams and backs away]

Red Puckett: You again! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?

The Wolf: Settle down, little girl.

Red Puckett: Hi-yah!

[Gets into kung-fu stance]

The Wolf: Save it, Red fu. You've been dodging me all day, you might as well just give up.

[Grabs a fireplace poker and corners her]

Red Puckett: Ha! You crazy Wolf! What have you done with Granny?

The Wolf: I'm taking Granny down and you're next.

[Granny bursts out of the closet, bound and gagged]

Red Puckett: Granny!

[Kirk bursts through the window, holding a pickaxe]

Granny: [Granny has just revealed that she is an extreme sports athlete] Honey, don't look at your granny like that.

Red Puckett: I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the Bandit?

[beat]

Det. Bill Stork: Awkward!

[awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]

Granny: You're being ridiculous, Red.

Red Puckett: *I'm* being ridiculous? You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?

Tommy: I, have a...

Nicky Flippers: Coffee break, anyone?

Chief Grizzly: Uh, yeah.

Det. Bill Stork: Whose got my keys?

Raccoon Jerry: You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?

Chief Grizzly: Excuse us.

[Everyone except Red and Granny files out of the room]

Granny: I thought you were happy.

Red Puckett: Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?

Granny: Of course you do. You're a Puckett.

Red Puckett: [sighs] I don't know what that means anymore.

[Red is in a treehouse, reading a magazine; a woodpecker flies up]

Woodpecker: Watcha readin', Red?

[sees the magazine's cover]

Woodpecker: "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?

Red Puckett: No. The world is too dangerous for me!

[throws the magazine over the side. It falls, and lands on the windshield of a passing sports car]

Passing motorist: Ahh! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid!

[Swerves violently all over the road; the scene cuts back to Red as the sounds of screeching tires are heard, followed by a loud crash that shakes a tree in the distance]

Passing motorist: I'm okay! I'll walk it off!

Woodpecker: You can't go away. Who's gonna ride the goody bike?

Red Puckett: If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, and the next one and the next one, but I can't. I am just a kid.

Woodpecker: I'm just a woodpecker.

[a window is shattered and Red flinches]

[Red uses the phone in Japeth's shack]

Red Puckett: Granny?

Granny: Huh, who's that?

Red Puckett: It's Red. I'm on my way over to see...

Granny: Oh, my dear, I-I'm not prepared. I've got to... put down fresh doilies! Ugh!

[slips on something]

Red Puckett: Granny! Granny! What's wrong?

Granny: Gotta go, munchkin. Bonsai!

[the call is disconnected]

Red Puckett: Oh, no!

[hangs up the phone and turns around to Japeth]

Red Puckett: Mr. Goat, my Granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!

Japeth the Goat: [singing] Well you came to the right goat!

[pops out his rocking horns]

Red Puckett: Oh, good. More singing.

[Japeth begins singing "Be Prepared"]

[Dolph and Boingo get off the tram at the top terminal]

Dolph: I don't like it. The cops are all over the place.

Boingo: Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here!

Dolph: What about the old lady? She's alive. She'll be back.

Boingo: You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man - The Muffin Man! And Granny! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone ever again!

[Boingo bursts out wailing, then cackles, then cries, all in a matter of seconds, then immediately sobers up]

Boingo: Oh! I just love my job!

[He and Dolph start walking down the loading ramp]

Boingo: You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in five years?"

Red Puckett: How about behind bars?

[Boingo turns around and sees Red standing at the bottom of the ramp, glaring at him]

Boingo: [surprised] Red! Oh! Hey, Red! What are you- you've spoiled the surprise!

Red Puckett: You're the bandit!

[beat]

Boingo: Surprise!

[while Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]

Boingo: Hey, Red!

[hops into her bike basket as she passes]

Boingo: Ohh, nice outfit! Always red with you. You must be in autumn.

Red Puckett: Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?

Boingo: [glum] Na, he closed up shop. Someone stole all his recipes last night, and now I'm out of a job.

Red Puckett: Oh, geez, Boingo, I'm really sorry. Are you still working the cable car?

Boingo: Yeah, yeah I am but it's not as fun as making goodies all day.

Red Puckett: Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better?

[hands him one]

Boingo: [brightening] Oh boy! Oh boy! Thanks, Red, I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascal... devil!

Red Puckett: Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves.