Ray Quotes in The Blues Brothers (1980)

Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.

Ray: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city Chicago.

Jake: How much?

Ray: 2000 bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact, I'll throw in the black keys for free.

Jake: [about the electric piano] $2,000 for this chunk of shit? C'mon, Ray.

Murph: [tests the piano] I mean really, Ray, it's used. There's no action left in this keyboard.

Ray: [smiles, comes out to the piano] E-excuse me, uh, I don't think there's anything wrong with the action on this piano.

[launches into "Shake Your Tail Feather"]

Ray: Pardon me, but we have a strict policy concerning the handling of the instruments. An employee of Ray's Music Exchange must be present. Now, may I help you?

[at the closing, as each character is credited]

Reverend Cleophus James: The sad sack was sittin' on a block o' stone/Way over in the corner weepin' all alone/

Curtis: The warden said, "Hey, buddy, don't you be no square / if you can't find a partner use a wooden chair!"

Ray: Let's rock, everybody, let's rock/

Mrs. Murphy: Everybody on the whole cell block / Was dancin' to the Jailhouse rock.

Ray: Breaks my heart to see a boy that young goin' bad.

Jesse: We're sorry.

Ray: We didn't do anything with you that we said we did.

Rose Hathaway: You're telling me something that never happened actually never happened? Thanks.

Peter Venkman: Doh!

Ray: Re!

Egon: Egon!

Egon: Vigo the Carpathian. Born 1505, died 1610.

Peter Venkman: 105 years old, he hung in there, didn't he?

Ray: He didn't die of old age, either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disembowled, drawn and quartered.

Peter Venkman: Ouch.

Winston: Guess he wasn't too popular at the end, huh?

Egon: No, not exactly a man of the people. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.

Peter Venkman: Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?

Ray: And dig this, there was a prophecy. Just before his head died, his last words were "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back."

Ray: You mean you never even had a Slinky?

Egon: We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

Ray: You think there's a connection between this Vigo character and the... slime?

Egon: Is the atomic weight of cobalt 58.9?

Peter Venkman: [as the Mayor walks in]

[Raising his voice over the rest of the 'Busters]

Peter Venkman: Lenny. Big man.

The Mayor: The Ghostbusters.

Winston: Mr. Mayor?

[Holds out his hand, wanting to shake his hand]

The Mayor: What is this? A slumber party?

Ray: Well, that's why we wanted to see you.

The Mayor: Listen, *I* don't want to hear anything about it. You got 2 minutes. Make it good.

Ray: [Getting started] Well, first of all Mr. Mayor, it's a great pleasure to see you again, and you'll be happy to know that 50% of us voted for you in the last election.

The Mayor: I appreciate that.

Peter Venkman: I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.

Ray: Mr. Mayor, we're here tonight because a psychomagnatheric slimeflow of immense proprtions is building up beneath the city.

The Mayor: Psycho-what?

Egon: Psychomagnatheric.

Peter Venkman: Big word, big word.

Egon: Negative human emotions that are forming into a vicious ectoplasm with *explosive* supernormal potential.

The Mayor: Can somebody speak english here?

Winston: Uh yeah. Your honor, what we're trying to say is all of the bad feelings. You know hate, anger and the vibes of the city are turning into this *sludge*. I didn't believe in it either. But, we just went for a swim in it and end up almost killing each other.

Hardemeyer: [to the Mayor]

[Aggrivated]

Hardemeyer: This is insane! Do we *really* have to listen to this?

Peter Venkman: [to Hardemeyer] Can't you stop your lips from flapping for 2 little minutes?

[to the Mayor]

Peter Venkman: Lenny, have you been out on the street lately, do you know weird it is out there? We've taken our own headcount, there seems to be 3 *million* completely miserable assholes living in the Tri-State area.

Hardemeyer: [In disbelief] Please?

Peter Venkman: I beg your prdon, 3 million and *one*.

Hardemeyer: Hey.

Ray: And what *fuggy brain* here doesn't realize, that if we don't do something fast this whole place is gonna blow like a frog on a hot plate.

Hardemeyer: [In disbelief] Yeah right.

The Mayor: What do you want me to do, go on television and tell 3 million people they have to be *nice* to each other?

[Begins to walk off]

The Mayor: Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's god-given right. Your 2 minutes are up, good night gentlemen.

Ray: [of the insulting birthday party kids] Ungrateful little yuppie larva. After everything we did for this city.

Winston: Yeah, we conjured up a hundred-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, and ended up getting sued by every city, county, and state agency in New York.

Ray: Yeah... but what a ride.

Ray: It looks like a giant Jell-O mold.

Winston: I hate Jell-O.

Peter Venkman: Oh, come on. There's always room for Jell-O!

Peter Venkman: [to Egon] Who told you to stop cutting? Somebody tell you to stop cutting?

First Cop: What are you guys doing here?

Peter Venkman: [to First Cop] You tell him to stop cutting?

First Cop: Yes, I told him to stop cutting. What are you doing?

Peter Venkman: What's it look like we're doing here? Why don't you let us work? We let you work.

Ray: [to Peter] Hey, take it easy.

[to First Cop]

Ray: He's been working overtime. I'll tell you why we're here. We're here because some diaper bag downtown's being a jerk and making us work on a Friday night. Am I right, Peter?

Peter Venkman: Of course you're right, Raymond.

[to Egon]

Peter Venkman: Is he right, Ziggy?

Egon: [pause] Yo!

[Egon and Ray are showing Peter and Winston their breakthrough with a slime specimen]

Egon: Go ahead, Ray!

Ray: [shouting at the slime] You! You worthless piece of slime! You ignorant disgusting blob!

[slime twitches]

Egon: You're nothing but an unstable short-chained molecule!

Ray: You foul obnoxious muck!

[bubbles dangerously with every insult]

Egon: You have a weak electrochemical bond!

[starts to bubble over]

Ray: I have seen some disgusting crud in my time, but you take the cake!

Peter Venkman: This is what you do with your spare time?

Judge Wexler: [in the middle of persecuting the Ghostbusters he was attacked by the ghosts of two murderers he sentenced to the chair] You got to do something! Help me!

Ray: Don't talk to me; talk to my attorney.

Louis Tully: And that's me! My guys are still under a judicial mistrangement order... that blue thing I got from her! They could be exposing themselves!

Peter Venkman: And you don't want us exposing ourselves!

[Ray has stepped in front of the painting of Vigo, blocking the Ghostbusters' attack]

Egon: Ray... we'd like to shoot the monster. Could you move, please?

Peter Venkman: Ray...

Winston: Ray?

Egon, Peter Venkman, Winston: RAY!

[Ray turns around, he is Ray/Vigo]

Ray: [demonic voice] NO! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the Earth! Begone, you pitiful half-men!

Peter Venkman: Now!

[they attack]

[Louis Tully is the Ghostbusters' defense lawyer]

Louis Tully: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.

Ray: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.

Brownstone Boy #2: My dad says you guys are full of crap.

Ray: Well, some people have a hard time believing in the paranormal.

Brownstone Boy #2: Nah, he just said you guys are full of crap and that's why you went out of business.

[over the phone with Peter, hearing that Dana's bathtub tried to eat her]

Ray: What? Are you serious? That's great! - I mean that's not great; that's terrible... Spengler, major slime-related psychokinetic event!

[piloting the Statue of Liberty]

Egon: We're running out of time, Ray, it's almost midnight. Can't you make her go any faster?

Ray: I'm afraid the vibrations will shake her to pieces. We should have padded her feet.

Egon: I don't think they make Nikes in her size, Ray.

Peter Venkman: Hey, she's tough. She's a harbor chick!

Judge Wexler: Peter Venkman, Raymond Stantz, Egon Spengler,

[yells]

Judge Wexler: Stand up! Get up!

[the Ghostbusters stand up]

Judge Wexler: You too, Mr. Tully.

[Louis stands up]

Judge Wexler: [furious] I find guilty on all charges. I order to pay fines in the amount of $25,000 each...

[the mood slime burbles; Ray notices it]

Judge Wexler: ... and I sentence you to 18 months in the City Correctional Facility at Riker's Island.

Ray: Egie, she's twiching.

Judge Wexler: [yells] I'M NOT FINISHED!

[slime continues to boil]

Judge Wexler: On a more presonal note, let me just go on record as saying that there's no place for fakes, charlatans...

Egon: Uh, your honor?

Judge Wexler: [cuts Egon off] Shut up! Or tricksters like you in desent society!

Peter Venkman: Your honor, this is important.

Judge Wexler: You play on the gullibility of innocent people!

Ray: Yes, sir...

Judge Wexler: Be quiet!

Ray: But...

[poits to the bubbling mood slime as it spills over]

Judge Wexler: [yelling] If my hands weren't tied by the alterable fetters of the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forbears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice

[screaming at the top of his lungs]

Judge Wexler: and have you BURNED AT THE STAKE!

[the ghosts of the Scoleri brothers bursts from the slime; the jury members, many vistors and the prosecutor are all frightened]

Ray: [amazed] Wow!

Judge Wexler: [shocked and frightened] Oh, my God! The Scoleri Brothers!

[Wexler leaps from his bench as the ghosts attempt to attack him. He then crawls to Louis and the now-prosecuted Ghostbusters]

Judge Wexler: [yells] The Scoleri Brothers!

Ray: Friends of yours?

Judge Wexler: I've tried them for murder! Gave them the chair!

Ray: [dripping with good slime] Hey, man, let me tell you something. I love you.

Janosz: Yes? Well, I love you too.

[they hug]

Ray: Two in the box.

Egon: Ready to go.

Peter Venkman: We be fast.

Ray, Egon, Peter Venkman: They be slow.

[the Ghostbusters have been committed to a mental hospital]

Ray: As I explained before, we think the spirit of a 17th century Moldavian tyrant is alive and well in a painting at the Manhattan Museum of Art.

Psychiatrist: Uh-huh, and are there any other paintings in the museum with bad spirits in them?

Egon: You're wasting valuable time. He's drawing strength from a psychomagnotheric slime flow that's been collecting under the city.

Psychiatrist: Yes, tell me about the slime.

Winston: It's very potent stuff. We made a toaster dance with it.

[motions to Peter]

Winston: And a bathtub tried to eat his friend's baby.

Psychiatrist: A bathtub?

Peter Venkman: [with his head buried in his arms in despair] Don't look at me. I think these people are completely nuts.

Egon: [talking about the mood slime after yelling at it] We're running tests to see if we can get an equally strong positive response.

Peter Venkman: What kind of tests?

Ray: Well, we sing to it, talk to it, and say supportive, nurturing things to it.

Peter Venkman: You're not sleeping with it, are you, Ray?

[Ray doesn't answer, but stares intently at Egon]

Peter Venkman: [noticing Egon, teasingly] You hound.

Winston: It's always the quiet ones.

Egon: [clears throat, and hastily changes the subject] How 'bout the kinetic test?

Judge Wexler: [two ghosts in electrics chairs are attacking the court room] The Scolari brothers!

Ray: Friends of yours?

Judge Wexler: I tried them for murder, gave 'em the chair! You've got to do something!

Egon: Why don't you just tell them you don't believe in ghosts?

Egon: [Looking at Pictures of Vigo that Peter took earlier] You're right, Ray. Multiplatform anomination.

Ray: [getting another picture] Yeah, well here is the next months' front cover of GQ, check out the aura on this sucker. Now there is definitely a living presence there.

Egon: We should get a deeper look.

Ray: I 'll run this one through the Spectrogram

[Puts a picture into the spectrogram, now talks about dinner]

Ray: So, what do you think, Chinese?

Egon: Uh, how about Thai?

Ray: Nah, too spicy. Greek?

Egon: Uh, Mexican?

Ray: Pizza?

Egon: Thin or thick?

Ray: Chicago.

Egon: [Takes out a picture of Vigo] What the hell is that?

[picks up his giant maginfying glass]

Ray: I know what it is.

[Unbeknownst to Ray and Egon, the door is suddenly locked]

Ray: I've seen this before.

Egon: Where?

Ray: Remember when you had me dangling like a worm on a hook 100 feet below 1st Avenue?

[Shows the slime on the picture]

Ray: That's the river of slime.

Ray: [after getting off of the phone with Peter] Spangler. A major slime-related psychokinetic event.

Egon: What happened?

Ray: Something came out of Dana's bathtub, tried to grab her and the baby.

Egon: Are they all right?

Ray: Yeah, she got out of there and went over to Venkman's.

Egon: This is interesting, Ray. Remember that Vigo character Peter mentioned? Look what came up

[Goes to his computer and types up Vigo's profile]

Ray: Nice ugly history. Do you think there's a connection to this Vigo character and the...

[Looks at the slime which is still bubbling]

Ray: slime?

Egon: Is the atomic weight of colbalt 58.9?

Judge Wexler: [Running from the Scolari Bros. and pounding on the door, then grabs ray by his suit jacket] You gotta do something, help me!

Ray: Don't talk to me, talk to my attorney.

Louis Tully: That's me. My guys are still under a judicial restraining order. That blue thing I got from her, they can be exposing themselves.

Peter Venkman: And you don't want us exposing ourselves.

Peter Venkman: [outside the courthouse] We're the best. We're the beautiful. We're the only Ghostbusters.

Ray: We're back!

Ray: Not so fast, Dead-Head! You want a baby, why don't you go knock up some willing hellhound! Otherwise I'm giving you three to get back in that painting! One!

Peter Venkman: Two.

[two ten foot high, full-torso apparitions strapped into electric chairs with sparking electrical wires still attached, burst out of a specimen jar and hover in the air in the middle of a courtroom, sparks flying, before suddenly diving towards the judge and exploding]

Ray: Wow!

Ray: You know, I just can't believe things have gotten so bad in this city that there's no way back. I mean, sure, it's messy, it's crowded, it's polluted, and there are people who would just as soon step on your face as look at you. But come on! There's gotta be a few sparks of sweet humanity left in this burned-out berg. We just gotta find a way to mobilize it!

Judge Wexler: [At the Ghostbusters' trial] Before we begin this trial, I want to make one thing very clear: The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts, and I don't believe in them either. So I don't wanna hear a lot of malarkey about goblins, spooks, and demons. We're gonna stick to the facts in this case. Leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood?

Winston: Wow. Sounds like a pretty open-minded guy, huh?

Egon: Yeah, they call him "The Hammer."

Ray: What can we do? It's all in the hands of our lawyer now.

Louis Tully: I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and some probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.

Ray: Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.

[to the bunch of reporters outside the courtroom after trapping the Scoleri Brothers]

Peter Venkman: We're the best. We're the beautiful. We're the only Ghostbusters.

Ray: [excited] We're back!

Peter Venkman: [the Ghostbusters enters the museum's restoration room] All right, suck in the guts, guys. We're the Ghostbusters.

[they breathe in]

Janosz: [approaches the four; claps] No! No, please go! You...

Ray: Who's this wiggler?

Ray: He's yours, Ray. Sic him.

Peter Venkman: [to Peter] I have discuss things with you. Now I...

Ray: Hi, how are you? Ray Stantz from the Ghostbusters. Nice to see you. Beautiful lab you have here.

Janosz: Can I tell what I told your friend?

Ray: We're just doing a routine spook check.

Janosz: Eh, Dr. Venkman, Dana is not here.

Peter Venkman: Yeah, we know that, Johnny.

Janosz: So why are you came?

Peter Venkman: Well, we got a report there was a major creep in the area. We checked our list and you were right there at the top. Johnny, where the hell are you from anyway?

Janosz: The Upper West Side.

Egon: The whole room's extremely hot, Peter.

Janosz: Hot?

Winston: [notices the painting of Vigo] Ooh, that's one ugly dude.

Peter Venkman: Oh, that's Vigo. Mr. Vigo?

Janosz: Uh...

Peter Venkman: [starts to take pictures of Vigo] Vigs, would you look this way, please?

Janosz: Please. No, don't. No, no!

Peter Venkman: Come on, show me something.

Janosz: No! No photographs, please! Slides are available in the Gift Shop, eh?

[Winston pulls Janosz out of the way; Janosz yells]

Peter Venkman: Yeah, thanks. Thank you, Winston.

Policeman: You fellows all right?

Ray: Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?

Irwin: Writing parking tickets, I suppose.

Policeman: They're still alive!

Ray: [after hitting Pike unconscious with a pop bottle] Holy mackerel. When he started... Listen, we better get him tied up. What are we gonna do when he comes to?

Irwin: Hit him again.

Ray: Oh I couldn't!

Ray: The banking institutions are more dangerous than the army.

Ray: Hey, did you teach your students how to make things like this?

Mr. Mehlor: Have you been in a high school recently? My students taught ME how to make stuff like this.

Capella: D'you ever watch wresting Ray?

Ray: Errr. Sure. I mean you know, now and then.

Capella: Cuz this is just like wrestling.

Ray: How?

Capella: Well it's reality, mixed with illusion, mixed with bullshit, mixed with... big scary guys from parts unknown, in dire need of psychiatric care.

Ray: Do you think you're gonna die?

Pally LaMarr: How the hell would I know?

Ray: [chuckles] Yeah, that's a good point.

[Harry is reading the name of Ray's boat]

Harry Fontana: "Quo Vadis"?

Ray: That's Italian. It means "We kick ass."

[Christina meets Ray the pick-up driver]

Ray: Wow, Sandy. Either you got better-looking or I'm about to meet the new girl boss man's been talking about.

Christina: You better not let Sandy here you say that.

Ray: I'll be our little secret.

Christina: How do you know I can keep a secret?

Ray: Just a feeling. You got some change for me?

[Christina bends over into the passenger seat of her car, then giving him the bag]

Ray: Look, if you ever need a tour guide or anything, my hourly rate is pretty reasonable.

Christina: [laughs and holds her hand out] Chris.

Ray: Ray. So I guess the position of the tour guide is taken.

Christina: Nah. I just like to get first names. Part of my redneck upbringing.

Ray: In that case...

[gets a paper and pen to write his phone number]

Ray: I'll show you around the everglades. You, uh... you might recognize some family members there.

Christina: [laughs taking the paper] Well, now I'm definitely not calling.

[Christina, Ray, and Captain Jim stare up at the moon]

Ray: It's a nice moon tonight.

Captain Jim: Going to rain tomorrow.

Christina: How do you know?

Captain Jim: Ring around the moon, rain soon. See the light reflecting off the cirrostratus in front of the moon? It's associated with warm fronts and moisture.

Captain Jim: You learn something new every day.

Captain Jim: You can certainly try.

Ray: [singing Ma Belle Evangeline] Je t'adore.

Prince Naveen: [to Tiana] I adore you.

Ray: Je t'aime.

Prince Naveen: I love you...

[Tiana gives him a weird look]

Prince Naveen: Just translating!

[Louis gives Ray CPR using a straw]

Louis: You okay, little buddy?

Ray: Oh, I'm fine... but your breath done killed me to death!

Prince Naveen: Excuse me, but your accent, it is funny.

Ray: I'm a Cajun, bro. Born and bred in the bayou! Y'all not from 'round here, are ya?

Prince Naveen: Actually, we are from a place far, far away from this world.

Ray: Go to bed! Y'all from Shreveport?

Tiana: Evangeline is nothing but a star, Ray! A big ball of hot air, a million miles from here. Open your eyes now before you get hurt.

[hops off]

Ray: [to the star] She's just speakin' outta broken heart... That's all it is. Come on, Evangeline. We gonna show sug' the truth!

Tiana: Louis... Ray here says you've been taking us in the wrong direction.

Louis: I was... listen, I was confused by the topography and... the geography and choreography...

Ray: First rule of the bayou: never take directions from a gator.

Ray: [to Naveen and Tiana] Well you folks is goin' in the wrong direction. What kind of chucklehead told you to go this a way?

Louis: [Louis jumps out of the bush] I found a stick!

[Naveen and Tiana give him a blank stare]

Louis: [Gets a bur on his finger] Aah! Pricker bushes got me! Gator down! Gator down! I can feel the darkness closing in! So cold!

Ray: Just hold still, you big baby.

Louis: Aaah!

Ray: I ain't touched it yet.

Louis: You sure this is the right blind voodoo lady who lives in the boat in the tree in the bayou?

Ray: Pretty sure.

Tiana: [as they get off the boat] Ray, have you seen Naveen?

Ray: Look at you! Where's the ring at?

Tiana: What are you talking about?

Ray: Well, if Captain say nothing, I ain't gonna say nothing. Because old Ray sealed up tight as a drum, you ain't got nothin' out of me, no!

Tiana: [chiding] Ray?

Ray: Okay, Captain ain't gonna marry Charlotte; he gonna marry you. Soon as he get himself kissed, and you both turn human, he go find a job, get you that restaurant.

[stops suddenly]

Ray: I said too much, didn't I?

Tiana: You said just enough, Ray!

[looking to the sky before hopping off]

Tiana: Thank you, Evangeline... He was trying to propose. That's what all that fumbling was about and here I thought, all he wanted was to marry a rich girl.

Ray: [zig-zagging through the parade crowd] Chere! What what are we looking for in here?

Tiana: You just keep your eyes at one of the biggest gaudiest floats with a Mardi Gras princess about to kiss herself a... a frog.

[sees Lawrence "Naveen" about to marry Charlotte]

Mama Odie: Good to see you again, Ray. How's your grandmama?

Ray: Oh, she fine, although she got into a little trouble for flashing the neighbors again.

Mama Odie: Ooh! I like that gal!

Ray: Just follow the bouncing butts!

Ray: What's up?

Prince Naveen: I love her. Tiana is my Evangeline...

Ray: Run, girl! RUUNNN!

Ray: Don't make me light my butt!

Neal Oliver: [In the scene Ray is showing Neal cards in quick succession and he has to say what suit they are] Did I pass?

Ray: No!

[shows Neal the cards]

Ray: But few people do.

Neal Oliver: Black hearts? Red spades? Come on, that's like cheating.

Ray: Ah, experience has conditioned you into thinking that all hearts are red and all spades are black because their shapes are similar. It's easier for your mind to interpret them based on that past experience instead of being open to the idea they could be different. We see what we expect to see, not necessarily what's really there. Children who have never played cards always pass this test. Makes you wonder how many other things are right in front of you - sights, sounds, smells that you can't experience because you've been conditioned not to. The good news is, if we do the test again, you'll pass. Once you're aware that there can be black hearts and red spades you'll be able to perceive them. Your brain's wiring is like the interstate highway system. It's easier to go from one well-traveled place to another. But the places in between, off the highway, even though they're there, most people zip right past them.

Neal Oliver: Well, that's a cool trick, but there aren't any card games with red spades and black hearts.

Ray: Well, how would you know?

Ray: Ooh, Jell-O!

Derek: It's mine...

Ray: Yeah well, I'm gonna fuckin' take it anyway...

[reaches for the cup of Jell-O]

Eugene: [Eugene firmly grabs his hand and gives him a cold stare] FUCK OFF.

[singing in The Van Driving to Dulais]

Steph, Stella, Zoe: [to the Tune of "Solidarity Forever"] Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart...

Reggie: You can't possibly say that every woman is a lesbian.

Zoe: Why not?

Reggie: Because they're not! Esther Rantzen isn't a lesbian. My mum is not a lesbian.

Stella: How do you know?

Reggie: How do I know my Mum's not a lesbian?

Ray: What he's trying to say is, you can't make grand, sweeping generalizations. It's not acceptable.

[beat]

Steph, Stella, Zoe: [Resumes Singing] Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Every woman is a lesbian at heart/Including Reggie's Mum!

Reggie: Nobody said anything about hiding who we are.

Mark: Yes, they did. You.

Reggie: I just think if everybody takes it easy on the...

Ray: Flamboyance.

Reggie: We're more likely to fit in.

Jonathan: I'm sorry, just to be clear, when you say "flamboyance", you mean gay. And when you say "everyone", you mean me.

Mark: Jonathan.

Jonathan: Good. It's just I haven't spoken 1950s in quite a while.

Ray: Some people do know what they want. Some people don't. As soon as you *do* know what you want, you can start making some decisions.

Ray: Well, well. What do we have here?

John: Hey man, we don't want any trouble.

Ray: Well that's tough, 'cuz you *are* the fuckin' trouble.

John: No trouble. Just a good-looking black man running on a hot day.

Jerry Maguire: The fuckin zoo is closed, Ray.

Ray: You said fuck.

Jerry Maguire: Uh... yeah... I...

Ray: Don't worry. I won't tell.

Ray: [while in the backseat of their car] Did you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?

Jerry Maguire: Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?

Ray: D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?

Jerry Maguire: Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is NOT in the Hall of Fame?

Ray: D'you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?

Jerry Maguire: I... I can't compete with that!

Ray: [after overhearing how Jerry proposed to his fiancé] What's wrong, Mommy?

Dorothy: First class, that's what's wrong. It used to be a better meal, now it's a better life.

Cindy Campbell: I thought you loved me.

Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

Ray: What? I ain't gay!

Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.

Ray: So? They play good music.

Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco?

Ray: I wanted to go shopping.

Bobby: [on the verge of tears] But... you made love to me.

Ray: First of all, you sucked my...

Bobby: Whatever!

Cindy Campbell: You guys are psychos! You've watched too many TV shows!

Ray: No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers. Canceling TV shows does!

[while stabbing Bobby]

Ray: I mean the Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good show, but we've never even got a final episode!

[after hitting a fisherman crossing the road]

Cindy Campbell: We have to call the police!

Ray: No way! I ain't going to jail!

Greg: He's right! Cindy, do you know what they do to young boys in prison? All of those sex-starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat?

Ray: Hey, Cindy's right. Maybe we should call the police.

Cindy Campbell: Ray, if you see Bobby, will you tell him that I love him?

Ray: Okay, if I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.

Ray: Damn girl, I sure like to get in your pants...

Brenda: Really?

Ray: Yeah, what size are these?

[the guys picking up the dead guy's body]

Greg: I'll grab one arm.

Bobby: I'll grab the other arm.

Ray: I'll grab his ass.

Bobby: You hear? Drew got killed last night.

Ray: Wait, she had a brother right, Steve?

Bobby: Yeah.

Ray: Yeah? Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?

Bobby: Yep, that was her.

Ray: Nah, I'm talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him?

Ray: [dressing Brenda up in football clothes] Get your little sexy ass over here...

[Brenda jumps in to the bed]

Ray: Take it Brendan, take it Brendan...

Brenda: Who?

Ray: Uhh... Brenda!

Ray: [displaying a yellow sleeveless shirt] Does this shirt make me look gay?

Greg: Naw, man.

Ray: [tucks the bottom of the shirt over so it looks like a bra] How 'bout now?

Greg: No.

Cindy Campbell: Why are you doing this?

Bobby: Why? Why? You hear that, Ray. I think she wants a motive.

Bobby: Did Scream have a plot?

Ray: No.

Bobby: Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense? Don't think so. And what about the sequel? What the hell was with that fat, white Jamaican kid?

Ray: Oh, I want to kill that motherfucker.

Cindy Campbell: It was bad casting, Bobby.

Ray: Nobody wants carousels anymore. They want roller coasters that go upside down and make you puke.

Rachel Jansen: I thought I told you to stay on your island!

Ray: The deal was off April 9th.

Rachel Jansen: Well the deal's back on!

Ray: You think you're the chief of this island! I'm the chief of this island!

Peter Bretter: I know his friend, let me handle it

Rachel Jansen: Fine.

Peter Bretter: Hey man you remember me?

Helpful Hawaiian Waiter: The cocktail guy

[He punches Peter]

Kemo: Ray what are you doing here?

[Ray backhands him, Kemo backhands him back]

Ray: Harry, I've got an idea.

Harry: What?

Ray: My room faces out the canal, right? I'm going to go back to me room, jump into the canal, see if I can swim to the other side and escape.

Harry: All right.

Ray: If you go outside around the corner, you can shoot at me from there and try to get me. That way we'll leave this lady and her baby out of the whole entire thing.

Harry: You completely promise to jump into the canal? I don't want to run out there, come back in ten minutes, and find you fucking hiding in a cupboard.

Ray: I completely promise, Harry. I'm not going to risk having another little kid dying on me.

Harry: So, hang on - I go outside and I go which way? Right or left?

Ray: [upset] You go right, don't you? You can see it from the doorway! It's a big fucking canal!

Harry: All right. Jesus. I only just got here, haven't I? Okay, on the count of one, two, three, go. Okay?

Ray: Okay.

[long pause]

Ray: What? Who says it?

Harry: Well you say it.

Marie: You people are crazy.

[last lines]

Ray: There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all of this, I'd go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in fuckin' Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, fuck man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in fuckin' Bruges. And I really really hoped I wouldn't die. I really really hoped I wouldn't die.

Ray: [beating a tourist that he believes to be American] That's for John Lennon, you Yankee fuckin' cunt!

Chloë: So what do you do, Raymond?

Ray: I... shoot people for money.

Chloë: [smiling] What kinds of people?

Ray: Priests, children... you know, the usual.

Chloë: Is there a lot of money to be made in that business?

Ray: There is for priests. There isn't for children. So what is it you do, Chloë?

Chloë: I sell cocaine and heroin to Belgian film crews.

Ray: Do you?

Chloë: Do I look like I do?

Ray: You do, actually. Do I... look like I shoot people?

Chloë: No. Just children.

Ken: Coming up?

Ray: What's up there?

Ken: The view.

Ray: The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that down here.

Ken: Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.

Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Ray: One gay beer for my gay friend, one normal beer for me because I am normal.

Ray: Maybe that's what hell is, the entire rest of eternity spent in fucking Bruges.

Overweight Man: Been to the top of the tower?

Ray: Yeah... yeah, it's rubbish.

Overweight Man: It is? The guide book says it's a must see.

Ray: Well you lot ain't going up there.

Overweight Man: Pardon me? Why?

Ray: I mean, it's all winding stairs. I'm not being funny.

Overweight Man: What exactly are you trying to say?

Ray: What exactly am I trying to say? You's a bunch of fuckin' elephants.

[overweight man attempts to chase Ray around but quickly grows tired]

Ray: Come on, leave it fatty!

[the overweight women calm down the overweight man]

Overweight Woman #2: [to Ray] You know you're just the rudest man. The rudest man!

Ken: [coming back from the tower] What's all that about?

[Ray shrugs]

Ken: They're not going up there.

[to overweight family]

Ken: Hey, guys. I wouldn't go up there. It's really narrow.

Overweight Woman #2: Screw you, motherfucker!

Ken: [to Ray] What was that about?

Ray: [shrugs]

Ken: [looking at a surreal Bosch painting] It's Judgment Day, you know?

Ray: No. What's that then?

Ken: Well, it's, you know, the final day on Earth, when mankind will be judged for the crimes they've committed and that.

Ray: Oh. And see who gets into heaven and who gets into hell and all that.

Ken: Yeah. And what's the other place?

Ray: Purgatory.

Ken: Purgatory... what's that?

Ray: Purgatory's kind of like the in-betweeny one. You weren't really shit, but you weren't all that great either. Like Tottenham.

[pause]

Ray: Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?

Ken: About Tottenham?

Ken: You're a suicide case.

Ray: And you're trying to shoot me in the fucking head.

Ken: You're not getting that gun back.

Ray: A great day this has turned out to be. I'm suicidal, me mate tries to kill me, me gun gets nicked and we're still in fookin' Bruges!

Ken: [Ray walks into the bar high on cocaine] How'd your date go?

Ray: My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing which lasted all too briefly - isn't that always the way? - , one instance of me stealing five grams of very high-quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead: so all in all... my evening pretty much balanced out, fine.

Chloë: There's never been a classic movie made in Bruges until now.

Ray: Of course there hasn't. It's a shithole.

Chloë: Bruges is my home town, Ray.

Ray: Well, it's still a shithole.

Chloë: It's not a shithole!

Ray: What? Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it.

Chloë: Okay. So, you've insulted my home town. You were doing really well, Raymond. Why don't you tell me some Belgium jokes while you're at it?

Ray: Don't know any Belgium jokes, and if I did I think I'd have the good sense not to... hang on. Is Belgium with all those child abuse murders lately? I do know a Belgium joke. What's Belgium famous for? Chocolates and child abuse, and they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids.

[Ray sees Chloë's shocked expression]

Ray: What?

Chloë: One of the girls they murdered was a friend of mine.

Ray: [after a long pause, feeling bad] I'm sorry, Chloë.

Chloë: One of the girls they murdered wasn't a friend of mine. I just wanted to make you feel bad. And it worked! Quite well.

Ken: What the fuck are you doing, Ray?

Ray: What the fuck are 'you' doing?

[Ken sticks pistol behind his back]

Ken: Nothing.

Ray: Oh, my God... you were gonna kill me.

Ken: No, I wa - You were gonna kill yourself!

Ray: Well... I'm allowed.

Ken: No, you're not!

Ray: What? I'm not allowed, and you are? How's that fair?

Ken: And at the same time, at the same time as trying to lead a good life, I have to reconcile that with the fact that with the fact that, yes, I have killed people. Not many people. And most of them were not very nice people. Apart from one person.

Ray: Who was that?

Ken: This bloke Danny Aliband's brother. He was just trying to protect his brother. Like you or I would. He was just a lollipop man. But he came at me with a bottle. What are you gonna do? I shot him down.

Ray: Hmm. In my book, though, someone comes at you with a bottle, I'm sorry, that is a deadly weapon, he's gotta take the consequences.

Ken: I know that in my heart, but I also know he was trying to protect his brother, you know?

Ray: I know, but a bottle, that can kill ya. That's a case of "It's you or him". If he'd come at you with his bare hands, that'd be different. That wouldn't have been fair.

Ken: But technically, someone's bare hands, they can kill you too. They can be deadly weapons too. What if he knew Karate, say?

Ray: You said he was a lollipop man.

Ken: He WAS a lollipopman.

Ray: What a lollipop man doing, knowing fucking Karate?

Ken: I'm just saying...

Ray: How old was he?

Ken: About fifty.

Ray: What's a fifty year old lollipop man doing, knowing fucking Karate? What was he, a Chinese lollipop man?

Ken: Course not.

Ray: Well then.

[first lines]

Ray: After I killed them, I dropped the gun in the Thames, washed the residue off me hands in the bathroom of a Burger King, and walked home to await instructions. Shortly thereafter the instructions came through. "Get the fuck out of London, youse dumb fucks. Get to Bruges." I didn't even know where Bruges fucking was.

[pause]

Ray: It's in Belgium.

Ray: Bruges is a shithole.

Ken: Bruges *is* not a shithole.

Ray: Bruges *is* a shithole.

Ken: Ray, we only just got off the fucking train! Could we reserve judgement on Bruges until we've seen the fucking place?

Ray: A lot of midgets tend to kill themselves. A disproportionate amount, actually. Hervé Villechaize off of Fantasy Island. I think somebody from the Time Bandits did. I suppose they must get really sad about like... being really little and that... people looking at them, laughing at them, calling them names. You know, "short arse". There's another famous midget. I miss him but I can't remember. It's not the R2D2 man; no, he's still going. I hope your midget doesn't kill himself. Your dream sequence will be fucked.

Chloë: He doesn't like being called a midget. He prefers dwarf.

Ray: This is exactly my point! People going around calling you a midget when you want to be called a dwarf. Of course you're going to blow your head off.

Ray: I don't hit women. I'd never hit a woman, Chloë! I hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle! That's different, that's self defence, isn't it? Or a woman who did karate. I'd never hit a woman generaly, Chloë. Don't think that. God, you're pretty.

Chloë: I have to make a call.

Ray: Oh no. You've gone off me, haven't you? Just cause I hit that fucking cow.

[she kisses him]

Ray: [upon being bailed out of jail by Chloë] I'll get all the money back to you as soon as I get through with me friend.

Chloë: It's not a problem, Raymond.

Ray: And I'll get you all your acid and ecstasy back to you, too.

Chloë: [nervously to nearby police officers] English humor.

Jimmy: There's gonna be a war, man. I can see it. There's gonna be a war between the blacks and between the whites. You ain't even gonna need a uniform no more. This ain't gonna be a war where you pick your side. Your side's already picked for you.

Ray: And I know whose side I'm fighting on. I'm fighting with the blacks. The whites are gonna get their heads kicked in!

Jimmy: You don't decide this shit, man. Your side's already picked for you.

Ray: Well, who are the half-castes gonna fight with?

Jimmy: The blacks, man. That's obvious.

Ray: What about the Pakistanis?

Jimmy: The blacks.

Ray: What about... Think of a hard one. What about the Vietnamese?

Jimmy: The blacks!

Ray: Well, I'm definitely fighting with the blacks if they've got the Vietnamese.

[pause]

Ray: So, hang on. Would all of the white midgets in the world be fighting against all the black midgets in the world?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Ray: That would make a good film!

Jimmy: You don't know how much shit I've had to take off of black midgets, man.

Ray: I saw your midget today. Little prick didn't even say hello.

Chloë: Well, he's on a lot of ketamine.

Ray: What's that?

Ray: Um, horse tranquilizer.

Ray: Horse tranquilizer? Where'd he get that?

Chloë: I sold it to him.

Ray: You can't sell horse tranquilizers to a midget!

Ken: This morning, and this afternoon, we are doing what I want to do. Got it?

Ray: Of course. Which, I presume, will involve culture.

Ken: We shall strike a balance between culture and fun.

Ray: Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favor of culture, like a big fat fucking retarded fucking black girl on a see-saw opposite... a dwarf.

Policeman: [to Ray, who is trying to escape from Bruges on the train] Are you Irish?

Ray: Yea.

Policeman: What is your name?

Ray: Er-Derek Fer... ler.

Policeman: You eet the Canadian.

Ray: What?

Policeman: You eet the Canadian.

Ray: I eat the Canadian? I don't know what you're talking about.

[the policeman motions down the compartment toward more policemen and the two Canadian tourists whom Ray beat up earlier]

Canadian Guy: That's the motherfucker!

Policeman: Come along. We are taking you back to Bruges.

Ray: Brilliant.

Ray: Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about...

Ken: I know what you're trying to talk about.

Ray: I killed a little boy. You keep bringing up the fucking lollipop man.

Ken: You didn't mean to kill a little boy.

Ray: I know I didn't mean to... but because of the choices I made, and the course that I put into action, that little boy isn't here anymore, and he'll never be here again.

[pause]

Ray: I mean here in the world, not here in Belgium. Well he'll never be here in Belgium either, will he? I mean, he might've wanted to come here when he got older. Don't know why. And that's all because of me. He's dead because of me. And I'm trying to... been trying to get me head around it, but I can't. I will have always have killed that little boy. That ain't ever going away. Ever. Unless... maybe I go away.

Ken: Don't even think like that.

Ray: Why didn't you wave hello to me today when I waved hello to you today?

Jimmy: I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today; Wasn't waving hello to anybody. Except... maybe to a horse.

Ray: Huh? What are you talking about?

Jimmy: Just horseshit.

Ray: You from America?

Jimmy: Yeah. Don't hold it against me.

Ray: Well, that's for me to decide, isn't it?

Ray: [to Denise] You from America too?

Denise: No, I'm from Amsterdam.

Ray: Amsterdam! Amsterdam's just a lot of bloody prostitutes, isn't it?

Denise: Yes, that's why I came to Bruges. Been trying to get a better price for my pussy here.

Ray: Huh?

[pause]

Ray: You two are weird. Would you like some cocaine?

Ray: Murder, father.

Priest: Why did you murder someone, Raymond?

Ray: For money, father.

Priest: For money? You murdered someone for money?

Ray: Yes, father. Not out of anger. Not out of nothing. For money.

Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?

Ray: You, father.

Priest: I'm sorry?

Ray: I said you, father. What are you, deaf?

[Ray raises pistol]

Ray: Harry Waters says hello.

Eirik: I can't see! I can't see!

Ray: Of course you can't see! I just a shot a blank in your fucking eye!

Ken: Ray, did we or did we not agree that if I let you go on your date tonight, you'd do the things I wanted to do today?

Ray: We are doing the things you wanted to do today.

Ken: And I would do them without you throwing a fucking moody, like a five year old who's dropped all his sweets.

Ray: We didn't agree to that.

Ray: [crying] I killed a little boy!

[Ken embraces Ray]

Ken: Then save the next little boy. Just go away somewhere, get out of this business, and try to do something good. You're not going to help anybody dead. You're not going to bring that boy back. But you might save the next one.

Ray: What am I going to be, a doctor? You need exams.

Ray: I'm not being funny. We can't stay here.

Ken: We have to stay here until he rings.

Ray: Well what if he doesn't ring for two weeks?

Ken: Then we stay here for two weeks.

Ray: For two weeks? In fucking Bruges? In a room like this? With you? No way.

Ray: So Harry Waters wants me dead. What a wanker.

Ken: He said this whole trip, this whole being in Bruges thing, was just to give you one last, joyful memory before you died.

Ray: [Absolutely stunned] In BRUGES? The Bahamas, maybe. Why fucking Bruges?

Ken: I suppose it's cheaper.

Ray: What are they doing over there? They're filming something. They're filming midgets!

Ken: Ray...

[Ray runs off and watches Jimmy being instructed by the director, who Jimmy flicks off as soon as he leaves]

Ken: Ray, come on. Let's go.

Ray: My arse let's go. They're filming midgets.

Eirik: [holding Ray at gunpoint, after catching him making out with Chloë] That's my girlfriend, you fucking asshole!

Chloë: Eirik, what are you doing?

Eirik: Where you from, fucker?

Ray: Ireland, originally.

Eirik: And you think it's okay to come over to Belgium and fuck another man's girl?

Ray: I didn't know she had a boyfriend, alright? And I haven't fucked her anyway! Ask her! I only put me hand on it!

Ken: Up there, the top altar, is a vial brought back by a Flemish knight from the Crusades in the Holy Land. And that vial, do you know what it's said to contain?

Ray: No, what's it said to contain?

Ken: It's said to contain some drops of Jesus Christ's blood. Yeah, that's how this church got its name. Basilica of the Holy Blood.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah.

Ken: And this blood, right, though it's dried blood, at different times over many years, they say it turned back into liquid. Turned back into liquid from dried blood. At various times of great stress.

Ray: Yeah?

Ken: Yeah. So, yeah, I'm gonna go up in the queue and touch it, which is what you do.

Ray: Yeah?

Ken: Yeah. You coming?

Ray: Do I have to?

Ken: Do you have to? Of course you don't have to. It's Jesus' fucking blood, isn't it? Of course you don't fucking have to! Of *course* you don't fucking have to!

Ray: What am I gonna do, Ken? What am I gonna do?

Ken: Just keep movin'. Keep on movin'. Try not to think about it. Learn a new language, maybe?

Ray: Sure. I can hardly do English.

[pause]

Ray: That's one thing I like about Europe, though. You don't have to learn any of their languages.

Ken: See Jimmy, my wife was black, and I loved her very much. And in 1976, she was murdered by a white man. So where am I supposed to stand in all this blood and carnage?

Jimmy: Did they get the guy that did it?

Ken: A friend of mine got him.

Ray: Harry Waters got him.

Ray: [while brushing teeth] Altogether, I've had five pints of beer and six bottles... no... six pints of beer and seven bottles, and you know what? I'm not even pissed.

Canadian Guy: I don't care if this is the smoking section, she directed right into my face! I don't wanna die just because of your fucking arrogance!

Ray: [thinking the tourist is American] Uh huh, is that what the Vietnamese used to say?

Ray: See, Ken, this is the kind of hotel Harry should have put us in. A five-star, with prostitutes in it.

Ray: Where'd you get that gun?

Ken: A friend of Harry's.

Ray: Fuck, man. Let me see it.

[Takes the gun and looks it over]

Ray: Silencer, too. Nice. Mine's a bloody girl's gun.

Ray: Hey-ho. Drowning your sorrows, huh?

Ken: What sorrows?

Ray: You know, being a sad, old, ugly little man.

Ray: [to the bartender] One gay beer please.

Ken: How'd your date go?

Ray: My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing, which lasted all too briefly.

[pauses]

Ray: Isn't that always the way? One instance of me stealing five grams of very-high-quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead. So, all-in-all my evening pretty much balanced out fine.

Ken: You got five grams of coke?

Ray: I've got four grams on me and one gram in me which is why me heart is going like the clappers, as is I'm about to have a heart attack. So if I collapse any minute now please remember to tell the doctors that it might have something to do with the coke.

[all of the this is said in forty seconds]

Ray: A bottle! Don't bother.

Ray: Do you think this is good?

Ken: Do I think what's good?

Ray: You know, going around in a boat, looking at stuff?

Ken: Yes, I do. It's called sight-seeing.

Ray: Where's my gun?

Ken: I'm gonna die now, I think.

Ken: We're not staying here getting pissed. We are quietly sightseeing, like he says, and awaiting his call to see what we do next.

Ray: This is my vote on what we should do. We give it another day, two days, max. Then we check the papers again, and if there's still nothing in them, we phone him and say, 'Harry, thank you for the trip to Bruges, it's been very nice, all the old buildings and that, but we're coming back to London now, and hide out in a proper country, where it isn't all just fucking chocolates'.

Ray: Back off, shorty!

Jimmy: You don't know karate!

[Ray karate chops Jimmy's neck]

Canadian Guy: Fucking unbelievable.

Ray: What's fucking unbelievable?

Canadian Guy: Are you talking to me?

Ray: [to himself] He pauses, even though he should just hit the cunt, and he repeats

[to the Canadian]

Ray: Yes, I am talking to you. What's fucking unbelievable?

Canadian Guy: Well, I'll tell you what's fucking unbelievable, shall I? Blowing cigarette smoke straight into myself and my girlfriend's face. That's fucking unbelievable.

Ray: This is the smoking section.

Canadian Guy: I don't care if it's the smoking section!

Ray: [reading Harry's profanity-ridden message] Geez, he's swears a lot, doesn't he?

Ray: [after Jimmy doesn't wave back to Ray] Little fucking cunt.

Ray: [to Chloe] You can't sell horse tranquilizers to a midget.

Ken: That there is called the Gruuthuse Museum.

Ray: They all have funny names, don't they?

Ken: Yes, Flemish. In here it says, 'The Belgians twice sheltered fugitive English Kings from being murdered, 1471 and 1651.'

Ray: I used to hate history, didn't you? It's all just a load of stuff that's already happened.

Ray: [to Ken] At what point did all skinheads become poofs?

Ray: [finding Chloë's drug stash] Cha-ching!

[loud gunshots are heard]

Ray: Art's got a gun

Chris: What about Sheila? You making any headway?

Ray: We'll see. I'm taking her to lunch today.

Chris: Oh, whoa, whoa whoa. Don't - don't do that. Okay? Don't do lunch.

Ray: Why?

Chris: That's like the express lane to the friend zone.

Ray: What the hell's the friend zone?

Chris: See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.

Ray: I don't want to be a lamp.

Chris: Yea well then don't be her friend, okay? Take that guy for example...

[points to a clumsy guy and a gorgeous girl skating together]

Ray: You mean that couple?

Chris: No, I mean the guy that *wishes* they were a couple.

Ray: What is your point?

Chris: My point is - Call Sheila, Ray. Call her right now. Move your day date to tonight. Play the entire thing aloof and no matter what you do, kiss her at the end. 'Cause friends don't kiss.

Ray: Where did you come up with this theory?

[referring to the 'Friend Zone' theory]

Chris: Some chick f'ed me up in high school bad.

Nicole: There are rules, you know.

Brad Seldon: [Brad is drunk] "Rules"?

Nicole: Rules!

Brad Seldon: What rules?

Ray: Seniors rule!

Nicole: You don't send Designated Dave to ask if I'll go with you if you don't plan on following through with the offer.

Brad Seldon: I was going to. I-I-I was going to. It's-It's just that...

Chase: [mockingly] He just - He-He-He just - He just - He-He...

Nicole: Shut up!

Brad Seldon: I don't know. I - I fell in love.

Dave: Why are we doing this?

Chase: As a protest.

Dave: Of what?

Ray: People, right?

Chase: Sheep.

Ray: Check, Dave. We're doing this to protest sheep.

Dave: And what specifically about sheep do we object to?

Ray: Chase?

Chase: General herding mentality.

Ray: I'm staying

Dave: Why?

Ray: I like to party. I like to get down.

Ray: What's that they say about the love of a good woman?

Jane: [narrating] That once offered, it's guaranteed to come back and bite her in the ass.

Jane: Eddie, did you ever find a roommate?

Eddie: Well, no actually.

Ray: You're moving in with Eddie?

Jane: [to Eddie] Because the place I was supposed to move into just suddenly fell apart and I was wondering if the offer was still good.

Ray: You're moving in with Eddie?

Jane: [to Ray] Maybe.

[to Eddie]

Jane: What's it like?

Eddie: 2 bedroom loft, big kitchen, lots of windows...

Jane: Sounds amazing. When can I see it?

Eddie: How about tonight?

Jane: Perfect. Everything is just perfect.

Ray: You're so easy to talk to, unlike my current cow.

Jane: [on the phone] Liz, I gotta go. He looks like he just got hit by a bus.

Ray: [walking into the room] I feel like I just got hit by a bus.

[last lines]

Ray: Every story has an end. But in life, every ending is just a new beginning.

Ray: You can have your job back, you know.

Molly Gunn: I don't think so. You and I, we're gonna be friends. Okay?

Ray: Grownups never stay friends with kids.

Molly Gunn: I don't see any grownups around here.

Ray: I do.

Ray: Freestyle is for moronic little kids and hippie freaks.

Molly Gunn: It's fun.

Ray: Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun.

Ray: I'm not going anywhere, especially with you.

Molly Gunn: Oh, yes you are. We are going to sit in giant teacups and spin round and round in circles until we puke.

Ray: Are you on crack?

Molly Gunn: We're gonna have fun.

Molly Gunn: Excuse me, Thumbelina, but you're still a little underage to be clubbing, aren't you?

Ray: You're a little overage to be wearing a lampshade in your hair. Bright idea?

Ray: [of her mother] Do you see her anywhere? News flash: you're not gonna. Not unless you schedule an appointment, or hang around her bedroom door at 3 in the morning. In the meantime you're working for me.

Molly Gunn: Is that so?

Ray: Uh-huh.

Molly Gunn: News flash, Mussolini: I quit!

[slams the door, stops to watch as it swings back into the kitchen again... ]

Ray: Swinging door.

[swinging door hits Molly in the face]

Molly Gunn: Kid, have you ever been to a shrink?

Ray: Since I was three.

[Molly is dancing in the park]

Ray: Act your age, not your shoe size.

[Ray is hitting a classmate and shouting]

Ray: Take it back.

Molly Gunn: What are you doing?

[Molly breaks the girls apart and takes Ray away]

Molly Gunn: Have you gone mad? There is never, ever an excuse for hitting another person. What is going on?

Ray: She was laughing at me because her "au pair" said that my new nanny was a slutbag whore.

[Molly goes at it with the au pair]

Ray: Are you still moping over that disgusting guy? Other people always let you down. Why don't you forget them and do something for yourself?

Molly Gunn: Like what?

Ray: I don't know. Something you're good at. And I don't mean shopping.

Molly Gunn: Maybe some of us aren't good at anything.

Ray: Every grown-up is good at something. Oh, my bad. I don't see any grown-ups around here.

Molly Gunn: What's so great about being a grown-up anyway? So I can turn out like you?

Ray: You're scared.

[first lines]

Ray: [narration] Some fairy tales are true, most of there stories we make up to help us deal with real life; it all depends on your point of view, but here are the facts... there was once a princess, who lived in a castle, high above the streets of an enchanted kingdom. The king and queen were long gone but they left her with a treasure, that she would stay a princess forever. On the eve of her 22nd birthday a great celebration was planned...

Ray: She always does this to me, she's not coming. Ow!

Roma Schleine: Well, if you would stop wiggling your ass, it wouldn't have fallen off in the first place.

Ray: If you refuse to have a nice time with me, I'm going to have fun by myself.

Ray: You're a spastic hyena.

Molly Gunn: [of the bedridden man in the library] That's your dad?

Ray: Was. Now he's a vegtable. And soon he'll be nothing.

Molly Gunn: That's kinda harsh...

Ray: It's a harsh world.

Ray: I know you have trouble reading something as simple as a sign on the door, Gooey Huey. So let me help you. This is the *ladies'* room.

[makes LADIES sign in the air with her hand]

Molly Gunn: You brought your own personal soap?

Ray: You want to pick up bacterial meningitis or polio, you go ahead and be my guest.

[pause]

Ray: Whatever diseases you're already carrying probably make those sound like a joke, anyway.

Molly Gunn: [When seeing Ray's room for the first time] This is your room?

Ray: [Sarcastic] There's no fooling you, is there?

Molly Gunn: It's so...

[pauses to look at the perfectly organized space]

Molly Gunn: orderly.

Ray: Other people always let you down. Why don't you forget them and do something for yourself?

Molly Gunn: Like what?

Ray: I don't know. Something you're good at.

[beat]

Ray: And I don't mean shopping.

Molly Gunn: Maybe some of us aren't good at anything.

Ray: Every grownup is good at something.

[pause]

Ray: My bad. I don't see any grownups around here.

Molly Gunn: What's so great about being a grownup anyway? So I can turn out like you?

Ray: You're scared.

Ray: [Continues] Sometimes when Mu hears people walking by outside the door, he gets this funny expression and runs into the bathroom, like he thinks they're coming to get him.

[beat]

Ray: That's how you look.

Ray: When you work for me, you leave when I say you can leave!

Molly Gunn: For you information, I do no work for you. I am employed by you mother.

Ray: Oh yeah? Take a look around. Do you see her anywhere? News flash: you're not gonna. Unless you make an appointment with her assisstant or hang around her bedroom door at 3 o'clock in the morning. So in the meantime... you're working for me.

Ray: It's a harsh world.

Molly Gunn: That's your dad?

Ray: Was. Now he's a vegtable. And soon he'll be nothing.

Ray: Why are you buttering a plastic scone?

Molly Gunn: Why are there plastic scones when we have real food on the table? Huh?

Ray: [sarcastically] I think we got ourselves a Grammy!

Ray: When you work for me you leave when I say you can leave!

Molly Gunn: For you information I do no work for you. I am employed by you mother.

Ray: Oh yeah? Take a look around. Do you see her anywhere? News flash: you're not gonna. Unless you make an appointment with her assisstant or hang around her bedroom door at 3 o' clock in the morning. So in the meantime... your working for me.

Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?

Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy, dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.

Ray: [Happy] My boy's special! How about that!

[Hugs Lloyd]

Ray: I knew you were different!

Harry: I like your flight suit.

Ray: I'm a custodian.

Harry: Well then...

[salutes Ray]

Ray: Mummy, the doggy and the bear are dancing.

Caleb: Like you and daddy.

[the dog is humping the teddy bear]

Ray: Little bit weird, but ummm... turns out everybody in the future, American.

Pete: Well, what do we do? I mean this is your shit...

Ray: This isn't my shit. My shit is sitting on my arse reading about this shit...

Ray: Chaos theory is basically the idea that tiny things can have huge consequences. So because you delayed me from going through there, all of the little things that I was going to do have been delayed subsequently, and that has a knock-on effect - which can totally change the future.

Cassie: So... So wait, that means you're going to drink your pint a little bit later, which means... You're going to go to the bathroom a little bit later... My God Ray, you're right! That's terrible, we're all doomed!

[first lines]

Ray: Time travel. It'll turn your brain into spaghetti if you let it. Best not to think about it. Best just to get on with the job in hand. Which is destroying the enemy before they're even born and have a chance to threaten us. We're expecting any resistance to be light, because the ancestors of our enemies have yet to evolve any thumbs... or indeed spines. But that does not change the fact that they may one day evolve into a species that may pose a threat to us. And for that reason, we are going to rain down a fiery death upon them that will turn the surface of their planet into a radioactive desert! Because we are the planetary peace corps! And that is what we do! Now, are you nappy-wearing motherfuckers ready to lock and load, and *get it on*?

Ray: Some girls are into science fiction.

Pete: Yeah, that's your problem, Ray. Your ideal girl... is you. With tits.

Pete: So what do we do now Ray?

Ray: What?

Pete: This is your thing.

Ray: This is not my thing, no my thing is sitting on my arse reading books about this shit not actually being in it

Pete: What about the rules, I mean there's always rules in these things isn't there

Ray: Well yeah, but i mean it depends who you read

Toby: Well even i know some rules

Ray: Like what

Toby: Like you can't tread on any butterflies

Pete: What?

Toby: Not just butterflies, anything, you can't kill anything in the past because it wipes out all it's descendants in the future and you could end up wiping out the whole human race

Ray: Don't sleep with anyone, it always ends up being your mum or your gran

Pete: That's just sick

Toby: Ray it's still tonight we haven't gone back to the Blitz

Ray: You asked for rules I'm giving you rules

Pete: OK, don't kill anything, don't fuck anything, what else?

Ray: Don't touch yourself

Ray: Do you have any idea how rare it is to find a girl who's into science fiction, who doesn't have everything pierced?

Cassie: How do you know I haven't?

Ray: It's time travel, shit like that can happen.

Pete: So, in an ideal world, what would be your perfect job.

Ray: I dunno. Comic shop?

Pete: Aw, come on, think bigger.

Ray: Astronaut?

Pete: Yeah, cool! But I mean your absolute dream job. I mean if there was no limits at all.

Ray: No limits? Well it's obvious. It's gotta be Time Lord.

Ray: After your mother and I are married, I'm going to adopt you.

Danielle: The *hell* you are!

Ray: We don't want you cast into outer darkness.

Danielle: How's that different from any other day?

Ray: She's cute, but why's she scowling?

Darrell: That's her sexy smirk, brother.

Ray: I think I might love her.

Darrell: Love! You forgot the rule. Players don't feel. That's like a pimp with a health plan.

Eva: Did I hurt you?

Ray: Yeah... But I liked it.

Eva: How much did they pay you?

Ray: Eva, that's not...

Eva: HOW MUCH?

Ray: $5000 - but I'm giving it back to them...

Eva: [punches Ray] You are exactly the person I thought you were.

Eva: Holy Mother of God!

Ray: [on horse in building lobby] HEY EVA!

Ray: Most women have a few barriers around their heart, but Eva has an electrified fence with rabid pit bulls.

Ray: I'm thinking next time we'll actually make it to the bed.

Ray: You give me your body and then you offer me your friendship?

Eva: You know, let's do something you want to do.

Ray: Anything?

Eva: Yeah - Sure.

Ray: Scared? I said I was a multi-talented guy that likes to travel. I didn't say I was scared.

Eva: So what is it that you do again?

Ray: I deliver meat.

Eva: Who told you I like lilies?

Ray: Sometimes a man gets lucky.

Eva: This is what you drive when you take a woman out?

Ray: It's clean and it's free.

Ray: [pauses] I'm saving to buy a house.

Ray: You're just a civil servant, not the FBI.

Eva: Well excuse the hell out of me.

Ray: I can't do this...

Eva: The bulge in your pants didn't get that memo, so...

Ray: Remember my nickname when we were in the joint?

Benny: The Brain?

Ray: The Brain. That's what the guys used to call me, right?

Benny: But, Ray! That was sarcastic!

Ray: Your cousin May is dumb like a horse, or a dog or something.

Ray: I gotta get some air. I'm going up on the roof.

Frenchy: Don't jump! You're too valuable as a dishwasher.

Ray: What would you say if I told you that you were married to a very brilliant man?

Frenchy: I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

Ray: For God's sake! For some reason you're always shooting down my dreams.

Frenchy: Because you get the kind of dreams people get after putting opium in their brownies.

Ray: Ever heard of the Polish carpool? Every day they meet at work.

Ray: Pretty late.

Frenchy: Yeah, you too. What did you do?

Ray: I, you know, I worked late... and then May and me had some Chinese food.

Frenchy: You and May? What'd you talk about over dinner? Cartoons?

Ray: Are you kiddin'? We went up to her apartment. We watched "White Heat" on television.

Frenchy: Till 3 a.m.?

Ray: No. Then we went out and we got a pizza.

Frenchy: Chinese food and a pizza? With your stomach, I'm surprised you weren't shot breaking into the Pepto-Bismol factory.

Ray: I get a bad vibe about this guy, David. It's my street instinct, but I just don't trust him.

May Sloane: Yeah, I know why. Because he's younger than you are, handsomer than you are, he's much taller than you are, he's smarter than you are, he's much more exciting than you are...

Ray: May, don't feel obligated to pull any punches with me. I can take it.

Ray: I'm no genius, believe me, I'm no genius.

Frenchy: Yeah, you don't have to sell me.

Ray: You see this? See how beautiful it is?

Frenchy: Yeah.

Ray: See what you're seeing there? It's not just New Jersey. When we first met, there was a sunset it was just like this. Remember that?

Frenchy: Yeah. In New Jersey, but in Colombia there was an earthquake.

Ray: Today Denny got bit by a rat. We had to give him rabies shot.

Frenchy: Who, the rat?

Ray: What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?

Benny: Burn it down.

Ray: What do you mean, "burn it down"? You're still burning stuff down for insurance?

Benny: I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.

Ray: Yeah! But no museums, 'cause I'm not going to museums. The pictures spook me out... the virgins...

Frenchy: [Frenchy laughs hysterically] Ha ha ha! Spooked by the virgins! Ha ha ha! Sorry...

Ray: Work on the laugh, Frenchy!

[Frenchy laughs again, snorts, then stops]

Ray: What are you, a stroke victim?

Ray: It's Louie the 14th, or Louie the 15th. I don't know how high the Louie's go, actually.

Ray: Can we change the music, please? Because I feel like I should be wearing a wig.

Frenchy: You will be in a couple of years.

David: So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?

Ray: Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.

[last lines]

Frenchy: Hey, It was you who taught me how to open a safe.

Ray: That was one of my fondest memories of our time together... What are you saying? You boosted this from David's safe? Frenchy, that's stealing.

Frenchy: Not exactly. Look, it's a long story, Ray. Let's sell it, and I'll fill you in on the flight to Miami.

Ray: Sweetheart, you are the greatest.

Frenchy: Yeah.

David: I'm talking about Henry James, the author. Yeah? Well, this is where he lived and this is where he worked.

Ray: Where did he eat? I'm hungry. I don't care where he lived. I want to know where he ate.

Frenchy: I remember! "The Hair-ess", right?

David: The "H" is silent.

Frenchy: Oh, did he write that too?

Ray: What is this?

Frenchy: It's a Damon Dexter. A discovery of David's.

Ray: Yeah? I say it's depressing.

Frenchy: Knock it off. You wouldn't know a masterpiece if it bit you in the ass.

Ray: I refuse to look at this, Frenchy.

Frenchy: And what's that supposed to mean?

Ray: It means as long as this is there on the wall, I don't look at that wall.

Ray: You know? Frenchy eats frog's legs.

May Sloane: It's supposed to taste like chicken.

Ray: Rabbit!

May Sloane: Rabbit tastes like frog's legs?

Ray: No, forget it, forget it.

Ray: I think she's developing a crush on her teacher, David.

May Sloane: Yeah. Well, you know, he's very good-looking, and he's really bright and very charming. And he's very elegant...

Ray: Okay, May, I got the picture. It's all right.

May Sloane: Well, when you're right, you're right.

Ray: Thank you.

Ray: Very funny. You should be on tv.

Frenchy: I am! Open your eyes.

Ray: We make chicken-chip cookies, ahhhh... tuna mint.

Sadie: [looks at the jewelry box Ray gives her] What's this?

Ray: It's a present.

Sadie: [opens the box and sees the ring] Baby! What are you trying to say?

Ray: Well, what do you think I'm trying to say?

Sadie: Come on, say it.

Ray: Yes or no?

Sadie: Oi! Do you want me to marry you? Say it. Come on.

Ray: Yes or no?

Sadie: What do you mean yes or no? Are you asking me to marry you?

Ray: Yes or no?

Fat Alan: That's all very well, Jon, but a blade ain't a really effective weapon when you're up against someone who is trained in several different kinds of martial arts. No really, mate, these hands are like deadly weapons. I can protect myself. Come on, go for it. Stab me you sigh.

[the others laugh]

Jonny: I wouldnt wanna do that.

[he stabs him]

Fat Alan: He stabbed me!

[the gang laughs harder]

Fat Alan: He stabbed me in the gut!

Ray: Look at his face!

Jonny: I'm sorry, Bruce.

Fat Alan: Shall I leave it in or take it out?

Ray: Leave it in and go out!

Ray: Could it be that... to do with something like I had a bad fall and I think I might have broken the bone in me cock?

Dominic: Could have, could have. Cause the thing what happens is, right, from the back, from your spine, spinal column, say that's your spine, right?

[holds up blackjack sap]

Dominic: the bone slips forward up your willy like that.

Ray: That's right.

Dominic: So you could break it.

Ray: So, if I'd have sort of broke a bit it might not... That's why it flips about a bit?

Dominic: Unnn... but it would click.

[shakes blackjack which clicks]

Dominic: It would click like that.

[both standing behind their cars, ready for a standoff]

Ray: How are you, Sean?

Sean: I'm well mate, you?

Ray: Hmm good. You get the champagne?

Sean: Yeah.

Ray: You like it?

Sean: No.

Ray: why not?

Sean: the fuckin bubbles go up my nose alright! now wheres my coke?

Ray: You can't miss me. I'm wearing peach and I'm bleeding.

Ray: I need you to work the late shift tonight.

Patty: I can't. I got a date with an old flame.

Ray: You have more flames than hell.

Ray: Everyone knows you run the machines. Right?

Barry Ryan: Not bloody Freddy! Bloke's tryin' ta root me up the bum. What am I s'pose ta do? Drop me strides and give him the nod?

Ray: [reading Y2K newspaper headline] People are afraid of all the wrong things.

Ray: Leila... was that her name?

Matt Scudder: I would think you'd remember.

Ray: Nah, once they're in the van they're just body parts.

Ray: [on the phone] She couldn't tell me what breed the other dog was. She was young when it died. They had it put to sleep, she said. It's a silly term for it, don't you think? I mean, you're gonna kill something you ought to have the courage to say that's what you're doing. You're not talking. You still there?

Matt Scudder: I'm here.

Ray: I gather it was a mongrel. So many of us are.

Ray: [negotiating over the phone] You could grab me.

Matt Scudder: You'll have that knife you keep talking about, a gun, too, if you want one.

Ray: You'll see my face.

Matt Scudder: Wear a mask.

Ray: Cuts the visibility.

Matt Scudder: I already know what you look like, *Ray*.

Ray: What do you know?

Matt Scudder: I know you're a genetic fuck-up, who if I'd met on the street 10 years ago, I'd have thrown you out of a fucking window.

Ray: Who the hell is that?

Ray: Never point a gun at anyone, unless you mean to shoot him And if you shoot him, you better make sure he's dead. Because if he ain't dead, he's gonna get up and try to kill you. That's the only thing they taught us in the service that's worth a god damn.

Ray: He was alive when I buried him.

Meurice: Howdy stranger.

Ray: Meurice. Sorry I didn't show last night.

Meurice: Wasn't too busy. You missed a good one, though. This white guy walks in about one o'clock, asks if we have a discount for alcoholics... I tell him to get lost, but Marty's sitting here listening and I can tell he's thinking that maybe it ain't such a bad idea.

Abby: He took me to a psychiatrist one time, to calm me down... the psychiatrist said I was the healthiest person he'd ever talked to, so Marty fired him.

Ray: I don't think you can fire a psychiatrist, 'zactly.

Abby: Well I never saw him again, I can tell you that.

Abby: I said, "Marty, how come you're anal, and *I* gotta go to the psychiatrist?"

Ray: What'd he say?

Abby: Nothing. He's like you, he doesn't say much.

Ray: Thanks.

Abby: Except when he doesn't say things, they're usually nasty. When you don't, they're usually nice.

Abby: He gave me a little pearl-handled .38 for our first anniversary.

Ray: Uh-huh.

Abby: Figured I'd better leave before I used it on him. I don't know how you can stand him.

Ray: Well, I'm only an employee, I ain't married to him.

Abby: Ray?

Ray: You're bad.

Abby: What?

Ray: I said you're bad.

Abby: [long pause, then smiles] You're bad too.

Ray: We're both bad.

Ray: Listen, I-I ain't a marriage counselor. I don't know what goes on. I don't want to know. But, I like you. I always liked you.

Abby: How come you offered to drive me in this mess?

Ray: I told you, I like you.

Abby: I never knew that.

Ray: Well, now you do.

Abby: Hell.

Ray: What do you want to do?

Abby: What do *you* want to do?

Ray: Who was it?

Abby: What?

Ray: On the phone? Was it, was it for you?

Abby: I don't know. He didn't say anything.

Ray: How'd you know it was a he?

Abby: You got a girl? Am I screwin' somethin' up by bein' here?

Ray: No. Am I?

Ray: I'd liked to have seen his face when he found the dead end.

Abby: Ray, just tell me what happened?

Ray: That ain't important.

Ray: Abby, I meant it, when I called.

Abby: I love you too.

Ray: You're scared.

Abby: [referring to Marty] Fact is... he's ANAL, Ray!

Ray: Hmmmmm?

Abby: [pointing to her forehead] In HERE... Abby, in HERE... I'm anal.

Ray: Well, I'll be damned.

Abby: I couldn't believe it myself.

Ray: You wanna get deep on this shit? All them Catholics gone insane. Everything we do depends on free choice, but at the same time they say we need the grace of God to do what's right. I don't follow that Jeany. If I do something wrong, it's because God didn't give me the grace to do what's right. If this world stinks, it's his fault. I'm only working with what I've been given.

Jean: Is that why the people they find with the bullet holes in their skulls is God's fault? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Ray: I'm ashamed of nothing. I didn't make the world.

Jean: But you're not doing anything to make it better.

Ray: Yeah, and I'll roast in hell.

Ray: [Talking to Johnny's corpse] You look better now than you ever did, you know that?

Ray: I have no choice. You're never going to forget this.

Ray: Jean, I'm gonna be blunt. The guy that killed Johnny is not gonna go free.

Jean: The guy who killed Johnny is not your fucking concern, Ray. Thinking about what might happen to your family?

Ray: I've seen what it did to my family. It's inside in a box!

Jean: Killing somebody else is not gonna bring him back.

Ray: [to Gaspare] You know what it is?

Ray: Stupidity, greed or pride that makes people like us kill each other?

Ray: We should be taking over the Ford Motor company instead of killing each other.

Ray: But I understand what the problem is, It 's people like you.

Ray: You cannot be trusted, not trustworthy.

Ray: It is the flaw in the criminal character.

[In the car on their way to a crime scene]

Ray: You smoke too much.

Mickey: You eat too much.

Ray: You drink too much.

Mickey: Ray, you talk too much.

Ray: Don't get too comfortable.

Mickey: Ray, right now I think that's pretty impossible.

Ray: I could use a new pair of shoes.

Mickey: I could use a new life.

Anastasia Steele: Dad!

Ray: I am so proud of you, Annie.

Anastasia Steele: Thank you!

Ray: And Kate, best valedictorian speech ever.

Kate Kavanagh: Aw, thank you.

Ray: It was awesome.

Christian Grey: Ana. Hi.

Anastasia Steele: Hi.

Kate Kavanagh: Ray, have you met Christian Grey? Ana's boyfriend!

Christian Grey: Great pleasure to meet you.

Ray: Likewise. I really enjoyed your speech.

Christian Grey: Thank you, sir.

Ray: Sound like you've accomplished some pretty impressive things.

Christian Grey: Thanks.

Kate Kavanagh: I'll say! Well, I'm going to go find my family who is patiently waiting to embarrass me.

[to Ray]

Kate Kavanagh: Bye! Come see us in Seattle, okay?

Ray: As soon as I get an invitation.

[to Ana]

Ray: So, how long have you two known each other?

Anastasia Steele: Um...

Christian Grey: A few weeks, now. We actually met when Anastasia interviewed me for the student newspaper.

Ray: So you gotta hang around for an hour?

Watts: If I feel like it.

Ray: You know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?

Watts: It's kind of a revolting thought, actually.

Ray: Really? What's revolting mean?

Watts: Oh, God. Get your hands off me, man.

Ray: Does that mean you wanna come over?

Ray: See, a lot of guys I know think that you're... confused. But I know it's just an act. Wanna know how I know?

Watts: Enlighten me.

Ray: Because you radiate this sexual vibe and I know that if you wanted, you could be a girl

[snaps fingers]

Ray: like that.

Watts: Ray, this is 1987. Did you know a girl can be whatever she wants to be?

Ray: I know. My mom's a plumber.

Watts: That explains a lot about you, Ray.

Craig: I'm sorry if you're this way because of me.

[pause]

Craig: Are you this way because of me?

Ray: I'm a lot of things because of you. This isn't one of 'em.

[First lines]

Ray: [narrating] Every year I blow on my candles and I make the same wish. I wish I was a boy.

Maggie: You can't reappropriate a word that doesn't apply to you.

Ray: [laughs] I'm a boy with tits. I can reappropriate whatever I want.

Ray: [narrating] My whole life I've searched my body for scars because I know a part of me is missing. Everyone assumes that who I am is connected to who they thought I was when I was born. They're wrong.

[Last lines]

Maggie: [Ray is shooting on his phone] Sweetheart, will you please put that down.

Ray: I'm proud of you.

Maggie: [inaudible] I'm proud of you.

Malcolm: I don't believe that there is much of a future to speak of.

Pearl: We're in a bit of a decadent spiral, aren't we?

Billy: Sinking fast.

Ray: Big Brother, baby, all the way.

Malcolm: Which is why we prefer impressions to ideas.

Billy: Situations to subjects.

Pearl: Brief flights to sustained ones.

Ray: Exceptions to types.

Pearl: And yourself?

Arthur Stuart: What? I'm... I'm just lookin' for a room at the moment.

Ray: My opinion is if there is a god he sure as hell ain't worth prayin' to.

Ray: Can I come up, I mean just for five minutes?

Lena: It wouldn't take five minutes.

Ray: [showing photos] Do you know her?

Buddy: Sissy. Hope she's nothin' to you.

Ray: She's my wife.

Buddy: Figures. Did she run off and leave you?

Ray: No.

Buddy: Well, give it time.

Ray: Is that what she did to you?

Buddy: She did things to me I can't even pronounce.

Ray: What's the problem?

Lena: I like you, that's the problem... I really like you.

Ray: [to his lawyer] The law? Fuck the law.

Lena: Look, just cause I'm halfway pretty guys look in my eyes and think they know me. Like I'm their fantasy. I'm just a regular screwed-up person. So when you say I'm beautiful it's like you're not seeing me at all.

Ray: Yes I am.

Lena: No.

Ray: "Only God, my dear, can love you for yourself alone and not your yellow hair" - Yeats.

Lena: [smiles]

Ray: You threw away the bill.

Lena: What bill?

Ray: HOTEL CHANTECLER EVERY FUCKING WEDNESDAY!

Ray: What if I fly into a *rage* and attack you?

Lena: You're sedated.

Ray: I am? I don't *feel* sedated.

Lena: That's because you're crazy.

Norman: [Talking to Ray about a woman he has invited to a party to meet Ray] Tits. Did someone say tits? Like... pears...

Ray: [Frustrated] Huh.

Norman: ...huh? And not the hard green ones either, the juicy Comice, you get in the box from Oregon, Harry & David.

Ray: As he puts his hands around her neck: "There's a flaw in your logic."

Lena: Is this the end?

Ray: I can't keep opening my heart to you and getting...

Lena: Isn't that what love is? I don't mean passion. Love. Isn't it an act of faith, loving someone despite having to put up with things which are intolerable. Opening your heart... again and again.

Ray: No matter who you were, and no matter who you are, and no matter who you will be, I'm going to love you.

Sheriff Sam Deeds: Well, I'm working on a few things. I'm going over to the other side.

Ray: Republicans?

Sheriff Sam Deeds: No, Mexico.

Ray: This ain't Houston, my friend. We're pretty much running things now. Our good day has come.

Shadow: You chumps ain't had a good day since the Alamo.

Ray: You know, they say love kills you in the ring.

Ray: Mistakes are beautiful, baby. Mistakes are part of the fun.

Ray: Do you always tell the truth?

Lucy: The truth is easier to remember.

Leticia: To take something that comes from you, made of you, and part with it forever and ever.

Ray: I don't want it.

Leticia: I didn't want you either.

Ray: I'm not you.

Leticia: And yet here you are, 20 and pregnant and single, just like I was. You see, I didn't want you, and now, I can't take a breath without thinking of you, and wanting the best of the best for you.

Ray: She took his dinner in to him once. Me mum, in the pub, and plonked it in front of him on a tray. Knife and fork, salt and pepper. He said, "What's that?" She said, "It's your dinner. I thought you might be hungry. You ain't eaten for three fucking days. You live in here, you might as well fucking eat in here." It's funny. He didn't like that, did he? Mugged him up in front of his mates. Thought more of them cunts than he did us. Lovely. Yeah. She got a clump over that. Well, she would, wouldn't she? He was always pissed in there, weren't he? You know? We go in the pub to get our living, you know? That's where we do our business. He'd be there spunking out while we're sitting at home without a dinar, you know, thank you. And he'd promise things. You know? Promise to take us places, you know? Never did. Never took us anywhere. And when he did bother to come home he'd sit in that fucking chair, doss off with his tray in his lap. And I'd just stand there looking at him. I'd look in his face, and my mother'd go upstairs, and I'd say, "Say, Mum, ain't Daddy coming to bed?" And she'd say, "No. No, he's all right, son. He'll come up when he wakes up." He's gotta wake up to go to bed! Now, I'd stand there looking at this fucking old man, you know, my dad, you know, in that chair, that horrible fucking chair with the shiny, worn-out arms. I should've burnt the fucking thing. By the end he was hemorrhaging from both ends, you know? I used to hear him in the morning hanging on to the kharzi. It was lovely. Never stopped him going to the pub, though. No, he was well enough to do that. Now, one day, right, he's staggering across the pub pissed from the night before. He's gone over, crunch, right on his mooey, like a fucking ironing board. His hooter's around here, his railings all over the fucking place. Me and me mum had to go the hospital to see him. We walked in. He's laying in bed. He's got tubes up his arms, fucking up his nose, down the back of his Gregory. He didn't look well. Fucking vodka was keeping him alive. Well, I ain't that interested, so I'm having a little mooch about, you know. I looked above his bed, and there's this sign, right, with some weird writing on it. I couldn't read too well at the time. I said to my mum, "Mum, what's that say? You know, that sign above Daddy's head." All right? She said, "Nil by mouth." "What's that, a football score?" One-nil, three-nil, two-nil, a geezer called fucking Nil. Yeah. I said, "Well, what's it mean?" She said, "It means... "

Mark: It means nothing to eat.

Ray: Yeah, nothing down the...

[points into his mouth]

Mark: Nothing down the... Yeah.

Ray: Yeah, all right. I remembered that day, because I could've put that on his fucking tombstone, you know? Because I don't remember one kiss, you know, one cuddle. Nothing. I mean, plenty went down, not a lot came out, you know, nothing that was any fucking good. And I'd look at this man that I call Dad, you know? My father, I knew him as Dad. He was my fucking dad but he weren't like other kids' dads, you know? It was as if the word itself were enough, and it ain't.

Mark: That ain't when he died though, is it?

Ray: No. He lived another ten years, slippery old cunt. He died one afternoon in that fucking armchair. About right. I went around to see him, you know, when he was plotted up at me mother's.

Mark: Hatcham Road?

Ray: Yeah, Hatcham Road. He was upstairs in that front bedroom. Laid out.

Mark: Free.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah. I've gone up there, gone in. I'm sitting on the bed looking at him. He's laying there like... Mullered. And it was like he'd shrunk, you know? He was a big man.

Mark: He was a lump.

Ray: Yeah. You should know. You got enough clumps off the cunt. (sighs) And I just touched him, you know? He was fucking freezing cold. It frightened the life out of me. I was looking at him, you know? For the first time in my life, I talked to him. I said, "Why didn't you ever love me?"

Ray: I'll fight for you... I'll fight forever... forever... I love you...

Ray: I don't even wanna be here. Look at this cunt!

Ray: I ought to go and see Sue. Y'know? While I'm still... before... Mind you, I haven't spoken to Sue for... I can't think how many years. You can't blame her for that though. Not really. That was more me, I think. I just stopped writing one day. Y'know how it is... things just stop. Then it seems too long to start 'em again.

Ray: Where he gonna poop?

Ray: [sees their new house has a balcony] Sal, a place to poop.

Sal: [Laura looks at the girls confused] yeah... urrm...

Ray: [measures dog's height] I think we're feeding him too much.

[measures dog again]

Ray: Now I know we're feeding him too much.

Mary: Don't forget to write us.

Ray: But we don't got stamps.

Ray: Do you think we'll ever get adopted, Sal?

Sal: Probably not.

Ray: Chess!

Ray: Sal, we're gonna be a family now!

Ray: I could drink you under the table!

Graham: Have to be a small table!

Ray: [smiling] You're gettin' very kittenish.

Julie: Barry, stop!

Barry: No! Wake up, Julie. He's behind all this! How many fucked up fisherman are out there?

Ray: Look, he's after me too! I got a letter.

Barry: Oh, you got a letter? I got run over! Helen gets her hair chopped off, Julie gets a body in her trunk, and you get a letter? That's balanced!

Barry: We're going home now and never, ever, under any circumstances known to God speak about this again is that clear? It is now merely a future therapy bill agreed?

Barry: [screaming] Helen?

Helen: I'll never mention it again.

Barry: We make a pact, right here and now we take this to our grave.

Ray: Agreed.

Barry: Julie?

[Julie nods her head in agreement]

Barry: [livid] Don't you nod your head, you fuckin' say it.

Julie: [somber] Yeah okay.

Barry: [Barry runs and grabs Julie by the neck pushing her against the car] We take this to our grave, let me hear it.

Ray: Let her go, Barry.

Barry: You fucking say it!

Julie: Okay, Barry, we take this to the grave.

Julie: Wait.

Ray: What?

Julie: Should we check his wallet and see who he is?

Barry: Why?

Julie: I don't know okay, just to know.

Helen: I don't want to know.

Barry: Let's just pretend he's some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we're doing everybody a favor.

Ray: What can I do for you Max?

Max: You can wipe that my-shit-don't-stink grin off your face.

Ray: I never knew her breasts were so... ample.

Ray: See, no one gets me the way you do.

Julie: I understand your pain.

Julie: I hate this, I really hate this. You're gonna go and you're gonna fall for some head-shaven, black-wearin, tattoo-covered, body-piercing philosophy student."

Ray: That sounds attractive.

Julie: Please, it's a fictional story created to warn young girls of the dangers of having premarital sex.

Ray: Well actually honey, you know how terrified I am of your IQ but it's an urban legend, American folklore and they all usually originate from some real life incident.

Barry: What is it with you Ray? You were dogging us from the start weren't you? Always wanting to be our friend, always wanting to be one of us but you were too fucking jealous to handle it

Ray: Fuck you!

[Barry has just seen the damage to his new car after hitting someone in the road]

Barry: [Almost besides himself from rage] FUCK! Can't you watch where you're going?

Ray: Hey, it came outta nowhere, I didn't see it!

Ray: So that's him huh? Hard to believe that's the guy.

Barry: Yeah, his face isn't splattered all over the road, dumbass.

Ray: We have to think about this...

Julie: About what? About what? He was crossing the road in the middle of the night! It was an accident!

Ray: Bridge ain't nowhere to park a car boy.

Dumpy: that's not your terroritory your pissing in

Ray: what?

Dumpy: I said that's not your terroitory your pissing in

[last lines]

Ray: [sarcastically] Are you inbred?

Dumpy: [seriously] I'm not

[points to his accomplice]

Dumpy: but he is!

Ray: This estate... it's the devil's backyard

Dumpy: [On Ray relieving himself on a tree] That's not your teritory to Mark!

Ray: Sorry... what?

Dumpy: I said that's not your territory to mark

Ray: [nonchantly] Oh okay...

[scornfully]

Ray: Oh by the off chance... you ain't inbred are you

Dumpy: [unfazed] I'm not... but he is

[points to a youth behind him]

Dumpy: [last lines]

Ray: What the fuc...

Justin: Ray, who did this to you?

Ray: You!

Ray: Who is it? Your killing my fuckin' high man!

Ray: [shaking his head] If you're silent people are persuaded by your youthful beauty and innocence. You guys get away with ignorance that I would would be shot for!

[regarding sales]

Joe, Ray, Chi, Alby, Steve, Sean, Eli, Greg: Baldeya!

April: What do you want for Christmas?

Ray: [whispers] You.

April: What?

Ray: I want you for Christmas.

April: Good, because then I don't have to shop... and I'll be fun to unwrap.

April: It's time to put your dick on the chopping block.

Ray: Good mouth!

April: I'm trying to be more colorful.

Ray: How long you been out on the road?

Gerry: How long is a piece of string?

Gerry: I think it's beautiful. You know, to have your whole life all laid out like that in front of your eyes.

Ray: I think they're going to knock it all down soon.

Gerry: Always be roots though. All I got's a whole bunch of people I'm not going to see again and a whole bunch of places I'm never gonna go back to.

Ray: So stop movin'.

Gerry: Wouldn't know how.

[last lines]

Steven 'Steve': It's time to go for Stevo, Ray. I am gone. Vamooso completo.

[Long pause]

Steven 'Steve': I will send you a post card.

[laughs]

Steven 'Steve': See you about, eh, youth?

Ray: And you thinned the paint.

Steven 'Steve': Course I did, Ray. Course I did.