Randolph Duke Quotes in Trading Places (1983)

Randolph Duke: Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.

Ezra: Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.

Mortimer Duke: Half of it is from me.

Ezra: Thank you, Mr. Mortimer.

[mouthing silently]

Ezra: Asshole.

Randolph Duke: [Valentine overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom] Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.

Mortimer Duke: Here, one dollar.

Randolph Duke: [chuckling] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer!

[laughs]

Randolph Duke: Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?

Mortimer Duke: I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.

Randolph Duke: You mean, keep *Valentine* on as managing director?

Mortimer Duke: Do you really believe I would have a *nigger* run our family business, Randolph?

Mortimer Duke: [Valentine's eyes widen with outrage] Of course not. Neither would I.

Louis Winthorpe III: [after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!

Randolph Duke: [hoarsely] Winthorpe.

Mortimer Duke: [stunned] Valentine.

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey! How'd y'all make out today?

Mortimer Duke: How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?

Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.

Louis Winthorpe III: [grinning] I lost... One dollar.

Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, Louis.

Louis Winthorpe III: After you.

Billy Ray Valentine: Certainly.

Billy Ray: No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.

Mortimer Duke: This is not a *meal*, Valentine. We are here to TRY to explain to you what is we do here.

Randolph Duke: We are 'commodities brokers', William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products... like coffee that you had for breakfast... wheat, which is used to make bread... pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a 'bacon and lettuce and tomato' sandwich.

[Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera]

Randolph Duke: Randolph

[continuing]

Randolph Duke: And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice... and GOLD. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.

[chuckles]

Randolph Duke: Clear so far?

Billy Ray: [nodding, smiling] Yeah.

Randolph Duke: Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy or sell their gold for them.

Mortimer Duke: Tell him the good part.

Randolph Duke: The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.

Mortimer Duke: Well? What do you think, Valentine?

Billy Ray: Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies.

Randolph Duke: [chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back] I told you he'd understand.

Randolph Duke: That man is a product of a poor environment. There's nothing wrong with him, I can prove it.

Mortimer Duke: Of course there's something wrong with him... he's a Negro!

Billy Ray Valentine: [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.

Randolph Duke: It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.

Billy Ray Valentine: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?

Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.

[Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing]

Billy Ray Valentine: You want me to break something else?

Randolph Duke, Mortimer Duke, Coleman: NO!

Randolph Duke: Money isn't everything, Mortimer.

Mortimer Duke: Oh, grow up.

Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy.

Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment.

Randolph Duke: Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?

Billy Ray Valentine: Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.

Randolph Duke: [on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping] He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

Randolph Duke: [being wheeled out on a stretcher] Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?

Billy Ray Valentine: [to Winthrope] Yeah, I forgot about that guy.

Randolph Duke: We want to help you, Mr. Valentine. My brother and I run a privately-funded program to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car, a generous bank account, and employment with our company.

Mortimer Duke: We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

Billy Ray Valentine: $80,000?

Mortimer Duke: Mmm-hmm.

Billy Ray Valentine: Excuse me.

[Leans forward and addresses the chauffeur]

Billy Ray Valentine: This is a practical joke, right, brother?

[the chauffeur shakes his head]

Billy Ray Valentine: Then these dudes are a couple of faggots then, huh?

[the chauffeur shakes his head again]

Billy Ray Valentine: What's my next move, man?

[the chauffeur shrugs]

Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, you've been helpful.