Randolph Quotes in Free Willy (1993)

Randolph: 300 years ago, my people only had to spend one day a week gathering food, and everybody ate like kings.

Jesse: So what'd they do the rest of the time?

Randolph: Told stories, made music, made carvings. Made babies.

Jesse: Sounds good to me.

Randolph: Dial is trying to collect the insurance money. Willy's worth a million dollars.

Jesse: A million dollars? Randolph, let's free him.

Randolph: What?

Jesse: Let's free Willy. We can take him by the bay, and put him back in the water.

Randolph: I don't like this job anyways.

Randolph: You must have something special, that's why Willy didn't eat you up. Maybe high blood, medicine roots.

Jesse: No way.

Randolph: Then you're just one lucky little white boy, you like the sound of that better?

Rae: [Anxious about Willy's clearing the rocks in the marina] You ever see him jump that high?

Randolph: Things can happen.

Randolph: [to Jesse] Willy. He won't look at Rae, or me. Maybe he sees you.

Randolph: Looks like your parents are still up.

Jessie: They're not my parents.

Passerby: Nice whale.

Randolph: Thanks.

Randolph: We've all become great admirers of your work around here, but all good things must come to an end.

Elvis: Hi, I'm Elvis. I'm half Apache.

Randolph: Nice to meet you, Elvis. Apache. They're the sworn enemy of my people.

[Glares at Elvis]

Elvis: Um, did I say Apache?

[Randolph nods]

Elvis: Oh, I meant, I meant, I meant Cherokee.

Randolph: That's even worse.

[Elvis looks in shock then Randolph bursts out laughing]

Jesse: Want me to drive?

Randolph: You know how to drive?

Jesse: No, do you?

Randolph: [Gives Jesse a necklace with an orca on it] My people believe your soul is right here.

[Points to Jesse's chest]

Randolph: So when you wear that, the Orca is close to your soul.

Randolph: Rick, Nadine.

Nadine: Hi Randolph.

Jesse: I hope she's the second surprise.

Randolph: I'll Ignore that.

Randolph: Jesse. You must have grown six inches.

Jesse: Four and a half, actually.

Glenn: Since breakfast.

Jesse: Those guys are going after the whole pod tonight! Willy, Nicky, Nicky's baby... can I ask you a question?

Randolph: Ten years in jail.

Jesse: What?

Randolph: The penalty for "borrowing" a boat that doesn't belong to you. It's called piracy. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

Jesse: You're right. It was a bad idea.

Randolph: Let's do it.

Jesse: [Sarcastically] Thanks for all you're doing.

Captain Drake: It was nothing.

Randolph: [Sarcastically] You're not kidding.

Drew: That's not what I would've done. If someone tried to kill me I wouldn't have saved him. I would've bit his butt.

Jesse: Maybe he's smarter than we are.

Randolph: Or more human.

Randolph: [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?

Jeremy Grey: Jam, I...

Randolph: Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.

Jeremy Grey: You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...

Randolph: Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.

Jeremy Grey: Jesus Christ!

[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped Cookie made by Randolph]

Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.

Cop: Are you ok?

Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.

[He faints]

Randolph: You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!

[rhino noise]

[to a baby, after framing Sheldon]

Randolph: Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!

[repeated line]

Randolph: I'm Rainbow Fucking Randolph!

[talking to Sheldon in Rainbow's former apartment]

Randolph: Look what you've done to this place. It's all Diane Fosse. When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, I had a big painting of a naked chick holding a little plant; very tasteful, no bush... not a picture of your fucking mother!

Randolph: I loathe you!

[kicks the TV onto the floor]

Randolph: Bastard Son of Barney!

[Pulls the shade off a lamp and starts smashing it with the stand]

Randolph: Die! Die, you stuffed son of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell!

Randolph: [Angelo enters] Die, you foam motherfucker!

Randolph: Die! Die!

Angelo Pike: What are you doing? That's a picture in picture!

Randolph: ...it was an accident.

Randolph: First he takes my career, then my life, now my girl. The balls on that fuchsia fuck! I'm gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!

Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?

Wife: Yes, very much.

Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.

Randolph: Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.

Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.

Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?

Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!

Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.

Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!

Randolph: What about Wally the Whale?

Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?

Randolph: There she blows!

Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.

Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.

Randolph: She's right, you've got to keep your dignity in tact -

[spills coffee]

Randolph: Oww! My balls - they're on fire!

Randolph: [being led through the angry press] My name isn't Wandolph! It's Randolph! Somebody touched my ass! Get away from me! Don't touch me!

[gets hit by an egg]

Randolph: I've been SHOT! I'm bleeding! Somebody touched my ass!

[his theme song]

Randolph: Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grasp while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/

[repeat three times]

Randolph: Yes, they do!

Randolph: [fighting over the sniper rifle] You shot Smoochy, you bastard! Give me that gun, you whacked out piece of shit!

Buggy Ding Dong: No! I've got to kill the rhino!

Randolph: [as Buggy clings onto Randolph while both dangle from the catwalk] LET GO OF ME... YOU FUCKING JUNKIE

Randolph: Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.

[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]

Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.

Randolph: And limber.

Tommy: [Breaks open the door] Well, if it isn't Mr. Rainbow, how lovely to see you in the flesh... c'mere!

[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]

Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?

Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...

[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]

Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.

[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]

Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!

Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...

[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]

Randolph: AAAAAAACE!

[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]

Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!

[with a mocking Irish Accent]

Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?

Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?

Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

[pulls out a chisel hammer]

Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.

[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]

Randolph: Do not start with your magician's tricks young Moses! I am pharaoh! And you are my slave. And this... is my kingdom!

Randolph: He's a pillow-biter, you know.

Sheldon: I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.

Nora: We know you didn't kill Spinner so just cool your jets.

Randolph: Oh, thank you, Mother Teresa, why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my fucking ass. I'm like a god damn toaster at Macy's; Rainbow's ass - aisle three.

[Randolf is pinned by Sheldon]

Randolph: Nooo! You're to close to the fire - the flames are driving me maaaaaad!

Randolph: [giving Stokes the gift bag back] You know what to do with the hand lotion, you jerkoff.

Reporter: How does it feel to be voted the most hated man in America, Randolph?

Randolph: In a country full of Neanderthals, I wear the fuckin' badge of honor.

Randolph: [Pointing gun at Nora and Sheldon] I've got Mr. Boomy, Missy!

Bobby Gold: You sorry fucking sack of shit. You shot my partner.

Randolph: Yeah, man, and you could have paid me back if you would have brought your gun. That was your mistake, man.

[after being shot]

Randolph: Oh, God... God help me... what did you do to me?

Randolph: Don't die with a lie on your lips, man.

Randolph: Oh, you know, huh? You're one smart kike, ain't you, Mr. Gold? All you forgot is that if you want to kill me, you best come armed.

Howard: Randolph! They're all dead!

Randolph: [closing the Necronomicon] That's to be expected.

Dr. Robert Merrick: Help? You mean give them money?

Randolph: Money is alright since you have so much of it but there are other kind of help just as good but whatever help you give it must be in absolute secrecy that the world must never know and you must never let anybody repay you.

Dr. Robert Merrick: You mean, if I'd go out and help people secretly that would establish that "contact" you speak of?