Randal Graves Quotes in Clerks (1994)

Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?

Randal Graves: What?

Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?

Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal Graves: Nope.

Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?

Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.

Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.

Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...

Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.

Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.

Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?

Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.

Randal Graves: You'll be missed.

Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!

[leaves]

Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay: [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]

'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me. But do you sell videotapes?

Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?

'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".

Randal Graves: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now; lemme make sure they got it.

'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: 'Kay.

Randal Graves: What's it called again?

'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".

'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: "Happy Scrappy"!

'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.

Randal Graves: Obviously.

[into the phone]

Randal Graves: Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer #4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rimjobbers", "My Cunt and Eight Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns 3", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum on Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone 2: The K-Y Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", oh yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock".

'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: "Scrappy"!

Randal Graves: Yup. Oh, wait a minute.

[to the woman]

Randal Graves: Uh, what was that called again?

Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?

Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".

Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Randal Graves: [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."

[throws stuff at Dante]

Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.

[sighs]

Randal Graves: You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?

Dante Hicks: You hate people!

Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?

Dante Hicks: This life.

Randal Graves: This life?

Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?

Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.

Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.

Randal Graves: 37.

Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.

Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool.

Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die.

Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.

Dante Hicks: How did he die?

Randal Graves: He broke his neck.

Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?

Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!

Randal Graves: [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.

Dante Hicks: Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...

Randal Graves: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.

Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?

Randal Graves: All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.

[notices Dante's confusion]

Randal Graves: All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

[on his past relationship with Caitlin]

Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.

Randal Graves: Oh, my God.

Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?

Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.

Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?

Randal Graves: Your mother?

Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.

Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?

Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.

Randal Graves: That's frightening.

Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.

Randal Graves: In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?

Dante Hicks: Exactly.

Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.

Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?

Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.

Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet.

[takes a drink of water]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time-

[Randal spits water at him]

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!

Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.

Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again.

[to Randal]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open!

[Randal salutes him as he leaves]

Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?

Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.

Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!

Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?

Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.

Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.

Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.

Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?

Randal Graves: Annoying customer.

Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead!

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?

Dante Hicks: "Empire".

Randal Graves: Blasphemy.

Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal Graves: You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.

Dante Hicks: Which ones?

Randal Graves: All of them.

[a series of vignettes]

Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?

Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new movies in?

[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]

Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?

Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.

Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!

Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.

[more vignettes]

Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?

Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?

[zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]

Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!

Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

Randal Graves: Duh duh... duh duh... duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... Salsa shark! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.

Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.

Randal Graves: Oh, I just remembered, Caitlin's in the back. You might want to check on her. She's been back there a long time.

Dante Hicks: What? There're no lights back there!

Randal Graves: I know. I told her, but she said she could manage. Why don't you go join her, make a little bathroom bam bam?

Dante Hicks: [sarcastic] I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".

Randal Graves: [annoyed] Fuck you.

Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent?

[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]

Dante Hicks: "Best of Both Worlds"?

Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.

Dante Hicks: And you rented this?

Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

Randal Graves: Hey, you know, you and I have something in common - we both eat Chinese.

Caitlin Bree: Dick.

Randal Graves: Exactly.

Dante Hicks: It wasn't me.

Caitlin Bree: [scoffs] Yeah, right. What was it, then? Randal?

Dante Hicks: [to Randal] Was it you?

Randal Graves: I was up here the whole time.

Caitlin Bree: You two better quit it.

Dante Hicks: I'm serious.

Caitlin Bree: Oh, so, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?

Dante Hicks: No.

Caitlin Bree: Stop it. This isn't funny.

Dante Hicks: I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.

Caitlin Bree: This isn't fucking funny, Dante!

Dante Hicks: I'm not kidding!

[to Randal]

Dante Hicks: Who went back there?

Randal Graves: Nobody, I swear!

Caitlin Bree: I feel nauseous.

Dante Hicks: Are you sure there was someone back there?

Caitlin Bree: Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna be sick!

Randal Graves: You just fucked a total stranger?

Dante Hicks: Shut the fuck up!

Caitlin Bree: I can't believe this.

Dante Hicks: Call the police!

Caitlin Bree: No, don't!

Randal Graves: Why?

Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!

Randal Graves: She said she did all the work.

Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?

[Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn]

Caitlin Bree: What are you watching?

Randal Graves: Children's programming.

Caitlin Bree: Can I use your bathroom?

Randal Graves: Sure. But there's no lights back there.

Caitlin Bree: Why aren't there any lights?

Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.

Caitlin Bree: You're kidding. Why?

Randal Graves: Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.

Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.

Randal Graves: And I'm caught in the middle - torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.

Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.

Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.

Caitlin Bree: You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.

Randal Graves: Territoriality. He was mine first.

Caitlin Bree: Oh, that was so cute.

Dante Hicks: What time do you get to work today?

Randal Graves: I dunno. Like... ten, or ten after.

Dante Hicks: Wrong! You were over a half an hour late! And then all you do is come in here!

Randal Graves: Yeah, to talk to you.

Dante Hicks: Which means the video store is ostensibly closed.

Randal Graves: Oh, it's not like I'm miles away!

Dante Hicks: Unless you're out renting videos at other video stores!

Randal Graves: Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we could watch it together.

Dante Hicks: Somebody jammed gum in the locks.

Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.

Dante Hicks: That's what I said.

Randal Graves: Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees. Said the video store was closed for two hours yesterday. So, I tore up his membership.

Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.

Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

Randal Graves: Do you know what I just watched?

Dante Hicks: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Randal Graves: Return of the Jedi.

Dante Hicks: Just go. Just go open the video store!

Jay: Yeah! Open the video store!

Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Randal Graves: What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?

Caitlin Bree: She said not to come home until after graduation.

Randal Graves: Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?

Caitlin Bree: What can I say? He does weird things to me.

Randal Graves: Ooh, can I watch?

Caitlin Bree: You can hold me down.

Randal Graves: Can I join in?

Caitlin Bree: You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite.

Randal Graves: Hey, few are.

Randal Graves: Fine, just let me borrow your car.

Dante Hicks: Why should I loan you my car?

Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie.

Dante Hicks: You wanna rent a movie?

Randal Graves: I wanna rent a movie!

[Dante sighs]

Randal Graves: What's that for?

Dante Hicks: You work in a video store!

Randal Graves: I work in a shitty video store! I wanna go to a good video store so I can get a good movie!

[last lines]

Randal Graves: You're closed.

[tosses cloth open sign at Dante]

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade, alright?

Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.

Sanford: So?

Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?

Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?

Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.

Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!

Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point.

Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?

Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is, if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.

Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.

Sanford: Fuckin' A!

Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!

Sanford: Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major.

Randal Graves: Design major.

Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this?

Sanford: Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!

Dante Hicks: No. I might be leaving early to go out with Caitlin. In which case, you're gonna have to lock up the store tonight.

Randal Graves: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!

Randal Graves: You're so repressed.

Dante Hicks: Because I never tried to suck my own dick?

Randal Graves: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.

Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.

[Randal sorrowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter]

Veronica Loughran: Hi, Randal.

Randal Graves: Thirty-seven?

Dante Hicks: Shut up!

Randal Graves: [after Dante finds out the boss is in Vermont] Jesus, that seems to be the late motif in your life - ever backing down.

Dante Hicks: I don't back down.

Randal Graves: You *always* back down! You come in on your day off, you assume responsibility that isn't yours - you buckle like a belt.

Dante Hicks: You know what the worst part is?

Randal Graves: The fact that I'm right about your buckling?

Dante Hicks: That I'm gonna miss the fucking *game*!

Randal Graves: Because you buckled.

Dante Hicks: Will you shut up with that shit, man. It ain't helping.

Randal Graves: Aw, don't yell at me, pal.

Dante Hicks: [apologetic] Sorry.

Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?

Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.

Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?

Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?

Dante Hicks: Guess not.

Randal Graves: Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.

Dante Hicks: What kind of a show?

[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]

Randal Graves: Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. I mean, these chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body - *any* opening.

Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this now?

Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, 'cause practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.

Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!

Dante Hicks: Excuse me?

Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!

Dante Hicks: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I-I guess we kinda got carried away.

Offended Customer: Well, I-I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.

Randal Graves: Well, if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!

[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]

Randal Graves: I think you can see her kidneys!

[Randal tries to open the locked door to the video store]

Dental School Video Customer: Guy ain't here yet.

Randal Graves: You're kidding? It's almost 11:30.

Dental School Video Customer: I know. I've been here since eleven.

Randal Graves: Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos!

Dental School Video Customer: I would have went to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall.

Randal Graves: Really, which one?

Dental School Video Customer: Dental School.

Randal Graves: You came for that, too? That's the movie I came for.

Dental School Video Customer: I have first dibs.

Randal Graves: Says who?

Dental School Video Customer: Says me. I've been here for a half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.

Randal Graves: It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie.

Dental School Video Customer: Like hell you are.

Randal Graves: I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.

Dental School Video Customer: 20 bucks?

Randal Graves: 20 bucks.

Dental School Video Customer: All right, asshole, you're on.

Dante Hicks: You gonna lock the video store?

Randal Graves: Look who you're asking, here.

[Randal has a sign that says "I EAT COCK"]

Dante Hicks: Who eats cock?

Randal Graves: Bunch of savages in this town.

#812 Wynarski: Hey, you see a set keys around here?

Randal Graves: No time for love, Doctor Jones!

#812 Wynarski: Fuckin' kids!

[a happy and satistifed looking Caitlin exits from the back room and walks toward the front of the store where Dante and Randal are and she looks confused to see Dante there]

Caitlin Bree: How did you get here so fast?

Dante Hicks: What do you mean? I left my home like an hour ago.

Caitlin Bree: Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?

[both Dante and Randal look at each other confused]

Randal Graves: Maybe that Asian design major ex-fiancee of hers sliped her some opium.

Dante Hicks: Could be.

Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]

Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."

Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.

Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.

Dante Hicks: Why?

Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.

Randal Graves: See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us.

Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.

Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.

Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?

Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.

Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!

Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.

Randal Graves: See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.

Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?

Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?

Randal Graves: Why?

Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!

Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.

Dante Hicks: Randal!

Randal Graves: What?

Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Becky: Shut up, Elias!

Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.

Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!

Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.

Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.

Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.

Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.

Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?

[in robot voice]

Hobbit Lover: Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.

Elias: [chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Randal Graves: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.

Wife: I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hatemonger!

Husband: I will. Baby, you can't taste racism!

Randal Graves: What racism, "porch monkeys?"

Randal Graves: Why because I enjoyed what I did? I got to watch movies fuck with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living? Yeah maybe it wasn't what everyone does but it was pretty fucking good.

Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.

Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.

Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.

Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?

Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!

Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.

Dante Hicks: Have you become so embittered that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?

Randal Graves: What handicap? They guy's just in a wheelchair, it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.

Dante Hicks: Anne Frank?

Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick that was all duhhh, till the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.

Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller.

Randal Graves: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.

Dante Hicks: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.

Randal Graves: Are you sure?

Dante Hicks: Yup.

Randal Graves: Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.

Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.

Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!

Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.

Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!

Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site

Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.

Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!

Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!

Randal Graves: We were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batmen?

[Jay and Silent Bob smile at each other]

Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?

Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.

Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?

Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.

[Randal stares]

Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?

[scoffs]

Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?

Randal Graves: ...Sure.

Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.

Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?

Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.

Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?

Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.

Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?

Elias: [shakes head] Women.

Randal Graves: That look was so gay. I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now *that* would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.

Hobbit Lover: Hey faggot, they're not gay! They're hobbits!

Randal Graves: And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

[a bunch of cops and fireman run into Mooby's and see the "interspecies erotica"]

Fireman: What the fuck?

[the donkey brays as the Police Officer sees Randal's "Porch Monkey 4 Life" shirt]

Officer: [shouting] PORCH MONKEY?

Randal Graves: Oh, no no, it's cool, I'm taking it back.

Randal Graves: [after the fire at the Quick Stop] Terrorists?

[Dante shakes his head]

Randal Graves: I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?

[Dante nods]

Randal Graves: Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?

Randal Graves: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room naked, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants and shoved a pickle up his ass and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark, he had to take a bite of it, re-insert it, and walk again.

Elias: Ewwwwww...

Randal Graves: Yeah. But, don't worry. He made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.

Lance Dowds: I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.

Randal Graves: Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.

Becky: Fuck, I had to take a fuckin' order off a guy I blew after Junior Prom, once.

Randal Graves: Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too.

Dante Hicks: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?

Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.

Randal Graves: Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the fucking insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about, and even Anne fucking Frank could see she's nuts about him too. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking chud of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.

Counter Girl with Ear Guy: You fuckin' freak.

[pulls boyfriend by loop in ear]

Randal Graves: I'm not even gonna point out the irony, here.

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?

Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didn't ya?

Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!

Randal Graves: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.

Emma: It must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.

Randal Graves: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouthbreathers non-stop without a break, I'd put my head in the deep-fryer.

[Dante and Emma stare at him, waiting for him to leave]

Randal Graves: Balls, too...

Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!

Randal Graves: At its finest, I hope.

Elias: Who would want to see something like that?

Randal Graves: Me, Dante, *you*.

Elias: I don't wanna see something like that! Why would you wanna see something like that?

Randal Graves: Because it's fucked up! And, I wanna see if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Alright, here we go. Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud. Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana, Kelly's taking it on the road. Taking it in the ass, that is. You gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.

Elias: Do they show pictures?

Randal Graves: Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.

Elias: Really?

[Randal hits Elias]

Elias: Ow.

Randal Graves: Lemme borrow your cell phone.

Elias: [nervously] Oh... 'Cause I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency.

Randal Graves: This is an emergency. We gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send off. You love Mr. Dante, don'tcha?

Elias: In a non-gay way.

Randal Graves: How the fuck do you always have like two good-looking girls who want you? You're the most hideous fucking chud I've ever met, and you always have a pair of girls fighting over you.

Randal Graves: You swung at me!

Dante Hicks: You ducked.

Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.

Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"

Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?

Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?

Randal Graves: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico!

Dante Hicks: Oh, God, no.

Randal Graves: Oh, God, yes!

[snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated]

Randal Graves: [describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy] Here's the first movie.

[walks a few steps, staring blankly]

Randal Graves: And here's the second movie.

[walks a few steps again, pretends to trip]

Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.

Randal Graves: You ready for the third movie?

[walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around]

[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell]

Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.

Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.

Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?

[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]

Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!

Jay: What up, steel cage match!

Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!

Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!

Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?

Randal Graves: It was your going away present!

Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!

Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.

Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.

Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!

Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!

Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!

Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?

Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.

Randal Graves: Shyeah, the kind of chicks into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the Torch of Gondor.

Elias: Oh, you're so gross!

Dante Hicks: Why *do* the Go-Karts help?

Randal Graves: I don't know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.

Dante Hicks: Like when?

Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.

Dante Hicks: We're not that old.

Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.

Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.

Randal Graves: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!

Randal Graves: I know you've given a blowjob, right?

Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet.

Randal Graves: That's a yes.

Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.

Becky: What's your point?

Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.

Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.

Randal Graves: And?

Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?

Randal Graves: That's an Elias job!

Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.

Elias: Zing!

Randal Graves: [to Elias] Shut the fuck up, GoBot!

Randal Graves: [to Becky] I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!

Randal Graves: Would you grow up?

Hobbit Lover: Hey man.

Elias: [Puts on Mooby's hat] Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?

Hobbit Lover: Yeah um, let's see... Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks.

Elias: [Typing into register. To himself:] "One ring to rule them all."

Hobbit Lover: [Surprised] "One ring to find them."

Randal Graves: [Eavesdropping] Oh Jesus.

Elias: "One ring to bring them all."

Hobbit Lover: "And in the darkness bind them!"

Elias: [Hi-5's the Hobbit Lover] Yes! How many times?

Hobbit Lover: Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', *four* for 'Return'.

Elias: [Showing off] Five for return.

Hobbit Lover: Dude.

Randal Graves: Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'.

Hobbit Lover: [to Elias] Oh, Star Wars geek.

Randal Graves: Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.

Elias: [to Hobbit Lover] You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy.

Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you fucking morons.

Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?

[Robotic genstures and monotone, imitating Anakin Skywalker]

Hobbit Lover: Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.

Elias: [Chuckles] Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Randal Graves: Oh I'm crazy? Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano... Here's the first movie...

[Walks in a straight line, doped]

Randal Graves: ... And here's the second movie...

[Walks in a straight line and steps]

Randal Graves: ...

Hobbit Lover: He is way off. Loser.

Randal Graves: ...You ready for the third movie?

[Walks in a straight line again, and, at the end, pretends to take a ring off his finger and throw it away, then shrugs]

Diner #1: Fuckin' A.

Dante Hicks: What are you writing over there, your memoirs?

Randal Graves: I'm battling this jackass on his blog's message boards.

Dante Hicks: About what?

Randal Graves: About how he's got too much free time and no life. A guy in a wheelchair who's always preying on other people's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs, so I've been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk!

Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.

Randal Graves: Yeah. That's why I called him "crippie-boy."

Randal Graves: [to Emma] You became persona non-nookie to me the minute he started diddling your pooter.

Emma: So thinking of me in terms of being a girl kind of creeps you out, does it?

Randal Graves: Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl, I don't think of you in any way...

[Emma lifts up her shirt]

Randal Graves: Oh, that was just *wrong*.

Emma: If you don't get the fuck out of here so that I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'm gonna show you my pooter.

Randal Graves: Why would you wanna do something like that?

[Emma unbuckles her belt]

Randal Graves: Alright, alright, I'm leaving!

Elias: [removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.

Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!

Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What's a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!

[last lines]

Dante Hicks: Can you feel it?

Randal Graves: Feel what?

Dante Hicks: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Randal Graves: [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.

[Randal bursts into the office]

Randal Graves: [laughing] I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Dante Hicks: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.

Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?

[Randal shuts the door]

Randal Graves: Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your D&D GoBots bullshit.

Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: Oh, my God.

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Are you serious?

Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth!

Randal Graves: It's never my idea!

Randal Graves: What's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Elias: [mumbling] "One Ring to rule them all."

Hobbit Lover: "One Ring to find them."

Randal Graves: Oh, Jesus.

Elias: [pulls a Ring necklace out of his shirt] "One Ring to bring them all."

Hobbit Lover: [pulls a Ring out of his pocket, in a dramatic voice] "And in the darkness, bind them!"

Dante Hicks: [about Becky] No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago.

Randal Graves: What? Where?

Dante Hicks: Here, on the prep station table.

Randal Graves: Ew, that's my prep table.

Randal Graves: If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those "Rings" movies, he would have ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.

Randal Graves: Even the fuckin' trees walked in those movies.

Randal Graves: I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself. That's what I'd do. That's what we should do.

Randal Graves: [getting Gawking Guy's attention from watching Dante and Emma make out behind the counter] Avert your eyes, ya' perv!

Gawking Guy: Not very hygienic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.

Elias: As you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.

Randal Graves: I know that, I wish I didn't.

Randal Graves: You're gonna be rolling in the pussy, man!

Elias: Don't be gross!

Randal Graves: Says the guy who was just playing tonsil hockey with his mother.

Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.

Dante Hicks: I'm having second thoughts.

Randal Graves: About your sexuality?

[last lines]

Randal Graves: You know something? You're not even supposed to be here today!

Randal Graves: Since when did porch monkey suddenly become a racial slur?

Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!

Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!

Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. Plus, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids with the utmost respect, or they'd put the sheni curse on me.

Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Sheni's a racial slur, too!

Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.

Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!

Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheni', she just used to say sheni curse a lot. It was cute!

Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!

Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! Didn't mean they were racist... Although my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.

Dante Hicks: You think?

Randal Graves: Well,I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim it, and save it.

Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!

Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!

[customers enter]

Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?

[beat]

Randal Graves: Its cool, I'm taking it back.

Elias: Randal...

[Holds up onion ring]

Elias: "One ring to rule them all."

Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.

Elias: I never wondered that.

Randal Graves: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.

Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.

Randal Graves: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.

Elias: [Throws down onion ring and storms up to Randal] I turn down chicks left and right.

Randal Graves: Your chicks are your "left" and "right."

Elias: Yeah right, what do you know?

Randal Graves: Ahh, I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.

Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.

Randal Graves: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.

Elias: Oh, you're so gross!

Randal Graves: The best part of this job is all the barely legal pussy that comes in here. And they all look up to me 'cause I've got a driver's license. It's awesome.

Dante Hicks: You're thirty-three.

Randal Graves: You show me one thirty-three year old chick who's buck wild in bed as your seventeen year old counterpie. Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: Oh... My... God.

Randal Graves: What?

Dante Hicks: Are you serious?

Randal Graves: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young girls, they get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal.

Randal Graves: You sound like my Mom.

[Becky enters]

Randal Graves: Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?

Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth.

Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.

Becky: I've never gone ass to mouth.

Randal Graves: Not even once?

Becky: Not even ever.

Randal Graves: You're both so repressive.

[to Becky]

Randal Graves: Alright look, I know you've given a blowjob, right?

Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.

Randal Graves: That's a yes.

[to Dante]

Randal Graves: And I know you've gone down on chicks.

Becky: What's your point?

Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowin' down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss 'em, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.

Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an ass hole.

Randal Graves: You can't get a chick, ya mook. You're too weird and sad.

Elias: [gets angry] I turn down chicks left and right.

Randal Graves: Your chicks *are* your left and right.

Becky: [to Dante] Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.

Randal Graves: [chuckling] Heh. I knew it.

Randal Graves: Hey! Freddy fucking Mercury! Where the fuck is Kelly?

Sexy Stud: [pointing at the donkey] This is Kelly!

Randal Graves: I thought that was the sexy stud.

Sexy Stud: *I'm* the sexy stud.

Randal Graves: But this donkey is a dude!

Sexy Stud: Kelly can be a guy's name too. Hey!

[Randal shrugs and sits down]

Sexy Stud: So, where're we doin' this thing?

Randal Graves: Oh, right inside the restaurant.

Sexy Stud: You're kidding.

Randal Graves: Not spacious enough?

Sexy Stud: No, it's plenty spacious, just kinda weird, isn't it?

Randal Graves: Kinda weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude.

Sexy Stud: Hey, Fucko, we like to call it inter-species erotica.

Randal Graves: Intriguing.

Randal Graves: May your first child be a masculine child!

Randal Graves: How the fuck did you father a child with a chick that's not your fiancé? Holy shit, she got pregnant off the toilet seat you jerked off onto! I fucking knew it!

Randal Graves: The Transformers were a total slight against God. In as much as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons, like the Transformers.

Randal Graves: Do we have a mop?

Becky: Yeah it's in the closet with the other cleaning supplies.

Randal Graves: We have cleaning supplies?

Randal Graves: I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've gotta wear, but I'll be damned if I let some self-righteous lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking porch monkeys!

Elias: Well, I mean, as you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.

Randal Graves: I know that. I wish I didn't.

Randal Graves: I got to rent movies, fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend, Dante.

Sexy Stud: When it's over, if you want, you can fuck Kelly.

Randal Graves: Really? Sweet!

Sexy Stud: Yeah.

Elias: If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too

Randal Graves: I don't think he's gonna jerk off.

Randal Graves: You ever see a chick give a mule a blowjob?

Randal Graves: Dude, I'm pretty sure your old lady wants to get you and me together in a three-way!

Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick will let you stick your cock in her.

Elias: I never wondered that.

Randal Graves: Dude, the Transformers sucked.

Elias: Oh no they didn't, they're more than meets the eye.

Randal Graves: I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house cause you're all Christian and shit.

Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous. Because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.

Randal Graves: Transformers are a TOTAL slight against God. Inasmuch as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind, and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Becky: While you guys were gone I had to wait on a guy I gave a blow-job to when I was in 9th grade.

Randal Graves: Yeah, I've waited on your brother before, too.