Ralphie Quotes in The Equalizer (2014)

[from trailer]

Ralphie: [asking about Robert's hurt hand] What happened?

Robert McCall: I hit it on something stupid.

Ralphie: I'm not strong enough.

Robert McCall: Don't doubt yourself, son. Doubt kills.

Ralphie: It's me, Mr. McCall. It's Ralphie. You said not to leave anybody behind.

Ralphie: [lifting him off the floor] "Buck-ninety" my ass!

Ralphie: Hey Curly, what all happens in a hurricane?

Curly: The wind blows so hard the ocean gets up on its hind legs and walks right across the land.

Toots: And singin' this song: Rain rain, go away, little Ralphie wants to play.

Ralphie: [talking to himself] Now, let's see, first thing, I go, uh, in the morning I go to the, um, uh, the guard!

The Mouse Child: No, the manager.

The Mouse: Son, don't help him. They'll make us thieves soon enough.

The Frog: Tell you your fortune? Give me your palm.

The Mouse Child: [indicating their permanently linked hands] We don't have one.

The Frog: Can't read your hand. Well, no matter, I'll just read your feet.

Ralphie: Their feet?

The Frog: An ancient form of divination taught to me by the praying mantis of the Babylonian persuasion.

Ralphie: Aw, go ahead, I need a minute to think anyway.

The Frog: At least.

Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?

Ralphie: Uh, um...

Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

Mrs. Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out.

Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie: Schwartz!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.

Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!

[everyone stares at Ralphie]

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Ralphie: Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.

The Old Man: A new furnace.

Ralphie: Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!

[Randy laughs]

Mr. Parker: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?

Mother: What is it?

Mr. Parker: It's a leg!

Mother: But what is it?

Mr. Parker: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.

Mother: Statue?

Mr. Parker: Yeah, statue.

Ralphie: Yeah, statue.

Mother: Ralphie!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

Ralphie: [in his fantasy, Ralphie explains the cause of his blindness] It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!

[after cracking a secret code]

Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!

Ralphie: Heh, I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...

Ralphie: YECCHH!

Ralphie: Scut Farkus!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!

[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]

Santa Claus: How about a nice football?

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.

Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!

Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Santa Claus: [Santa pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot] Merry Christmas. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ralphie: No-o-o-o!

Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same dumb old parade as last year.

Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?

Ralphie: Mom!

Mother: Hush!

Mr. Parker: SHUT UP, Ralphie!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.

Ralphie: Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time.

Goggles: I like Santa.

Ralphie: Yeah.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

Ralphie: [Giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple] I thought you might like something different.

Ralphie as Adult: Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.

Boy in School: [Firemen come to pull Flick off pole] Holy cow, it's the fire department!

Ralphie: Oh no...

Boy in School: [policemen come] Wow, it's the cops!

Man in Line for Santa: Young man. Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going?

Ralphie: Going up to see Santa.

Man in Line for Santa: The line ENDS here. It begins THERE.

[Points to the very end of a very long line]

Ralphie as Adult: C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be!

Ralphie: C+?

Miss Shields: [in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch] C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ralphie as Adult: [regarding the note on his report] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?

Ralphie: Oh, no!

Ralphie as Adult: My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!

Miss Shields, Mother: [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting] "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ralphie as Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

Ralphie: Well, what have we got here, folks?

Mr. Parker: Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.

Ralphie: Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.

Ralphie as Adult: Round One was over. heh heh. Parents one, kids, zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.

Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?

Ralphie as Adult: Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!

Ralphie: I want a Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.

[Realizing he's made a mistake]

Ralphie: Ohhhhhhh...

Mother: No, you'll shoot your eye out.

Ralphie as Adult: Oh no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kid-dom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.

Ralphie: Hey Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!

The Old Man: [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?

Ralphie: [chuckling] He he, that's a good one Dad!

Randy: [lauging] He he he!

Ralphie as Adult: My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.

Ralphie: You think you're hot shit, but you're really just cold diarrhea.

Ralphie: Dawn? Do you think I'll get into the Hummingbirds next year?

Dawn Weiner: Boys always get in.

Ralphie: Do you think they'll go on a trip to Disney World next year also?

Dawn Weiner: I don't know! Maybe. Depends.

Ralphie: On what?

Brandon: Hey, dog-face!

Dawn Weiner: Drop dead!

Ralphie: Let's go.

Brandon: What's the matter, faggot? In a hurry to run home to Mommy?

Dawn Weiner: Shut up!

Brandon: Make me, lesbo!

Dawn Weiner: You think you're so cool!

Ralphie: You think you're hot shit but you're really just cold diarrhea.

Brandon: Hoo-HOO! Listen to this faggot!

Dawn Weiner: Shut up, you asshole!

Ralphie: Yeah, shut up!

Brandon: Man, if I were you, faggot, I'd be shittin' in my pants, 'cause when you go to junior high, man, I'm gonna smash that little fairy face of yours into a mushy pulp!

Dawn Weiner: Yeah, well, at least he won't stay back a year!

[Brandon knocks her soda out of her hand and laughs]

Dawn Weiner: Retard!

Ralphie: [after Brandon leaves Dawn's backyard] Don't worry, Dawn. Brandon's just a retard.

Dawn Weiner: FAGGOT!

Ralphie: Hello, Peaches. You know you're a real lucky girl. You're gonna find me available for the whole season at no extra charge.

Willy Grogan: Lew!

Marvin: We've been having a quiet, kind of professional talk in here with him.

Willy Grogan: What happened?

Lew Nyack: [in pain from 2 sore mangled hands] Otto was here. So's I wouldn't be any help to Galahad... they busted my hands.

Willy Grogan: Otto?

Marvin: We're an old established firm that can't afford to take chances.

Willy Grogan: Who? Who?

Ralphie: I was never a shy one, Willy.