Rabbi Tuckman Quotes in Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?

King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.

[hands the rabbi his sword]

King Richard: Hold this, Father.

Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.

King Richard: Whatever.

[tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss]

Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.

King Richard: Now...

[voice squeaking]

King Richard: *you* may marry them!

Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.

King Richard: Sword.

Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.

Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?

[clears their throats, trying to act macho]

Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.

Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?

Robin Hood: I am Robin of Loxley.

Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!

Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.

Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi!

Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys!

Robin Hood: A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.

Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.

Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?

Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!

Little John: I'll take one!

Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two!

Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done?

Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap.

[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]

Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...

[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]

Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Whose first?

Merry Men: [groan]

Little John: I changed me mind!

Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.

Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...

[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]

Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.

Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?

Robin Hood: I do.

Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?

Maid Marian: I do.

Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...

King Richard: I object!

Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?

Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?

[Merry Men snicker]

Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.

Merry Men: Awwwww...

Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered

[drunk]

Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!

Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!

Merry Men: [Cheer]

Robin Hood: Rabbi!

Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?

Robin Hood: It is I, Robin of Loxley! We wish to get married in a hurry!

Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.

[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]

Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.

[to Robin]

Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.