Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram Quotes in Keeping the Faith (2000)

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Let me just say... Oy.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Amen to your oy.

Anna Riley: [to Jake] So what's your chick situation?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, don't ask, it's not a good story.

Anna Riley: Why?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Because his whole congregation is trying to set him up and it makes him very uncomfortable.

Anna Riley: What's wrong with that?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: There's a reason pandas don't mate in captivity.

Anna Riley: What does that mean?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: It means these mothers keep making these dates for me that I can't refuse. They're very intimidating, they're like the Kosher Nostra. They're little women but very determined.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I think you get a little melodramatic about this, don't you think?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, yeah? Today one of them faxed me her daughter's resume.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Let me see that. Ali Decker.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Look at the bottom.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh. She has a skills section.

Anna Riley: Yes?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, you win. She put jogging as a skill.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: See? She doesn't even know the difference between a hobby and a skill.

Anna Riley: All right, so maybe she's a skilled jogger.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I have to go on a date with this woman. Why can't I just say no?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't know, why can't you?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I can't alienate these women, I need body count at the temple.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: How upset are they?

Rabbi Lewis: Let's just say they're less than thrilled.

Larry Friedman: [after cut to new scene] To be honest, we're less than thrilled.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, with what specifically?

Larry Friedman: With what specifically. Well, with guided meditation specifically, with stand up comedy sermons specifically, with your loose improvisational style specifically.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, with people actually enjoying services? People showing up at all?

Larry Friedman: To be serenaded by the Harlem freaking gospel choir?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: At least they were praying.

Rabbi Lewis: It was a hell of an Ein Keloheinu, Lar.

Larry Friedman: It's not kosher, Rabbi Lewis.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Larry, what does that mean?

Larry Friedman: You have to ask me what kosher means? Study your gemara.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What do you want me to do? Flagellate myself? Jews don't do that, we plant trees.

Anna Riley: Jake Schram.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yes.

Anna Riley: How are you? Who are you? Tell me everything, give me the 4-1-1, I wanna know. Girls, job, news.

Ruth Schram: Now you. Anyone new in your life I should know about?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Wow, 20 minutes! I can't believe we made it this far.

Ruth Schram: It's my God-given right to check. What about the Shapiro girl.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl.

Ruth Schram: Why not, she was a looker.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: It's not that, the problem was here.

Ruth Schram: What? Bad skin?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No, not bad skin.

Ruth Schram: What then?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, you want an example? I take her out to dinner, I order dessert, she says she doesn't want any, I get pecan pie. She asks me for a bite, I give her a bite, her face swells up like a chipmunk, she looks at me and says, "Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?"

Ruth Schram: So what?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Mom! It was pecan pie.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Who is the coolest woman you and I have ever known, ever.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's easy. Anna Reilly, eighth grade. No question.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You got it.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? She called you? Anna Reilly called you?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah. Totally out of the blue.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Why?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: 'Cause she's coming to New York, uh, for work... and she wanted to get together with us. She just looked me up.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Really? Anna Reilly. What is she doing now?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: She - She's, like, analyzing synergies, or synergising analogies, or, or some such thing. I couldn't follow it. She's, like, this very high-powered business - You know.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Woman?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Woman, yes. Thank you.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Wow. And you told her about us?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah. She flipped, in a - in a good way. You know, I mean, she laughed for about ten minutes, but she was excited.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Man, that is so cool.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I know.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I wonder why she called you.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: What do you mean?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No, I mean, she called you.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: What, are you in the eighth grade still?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? That's a legitimate question. I just - I mean, we're both listed.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Finn before Schram, okay? You're ridiculous.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's a good point. Alphabetical.

Anna Riley: Rachel Rose. Yeah. When's that going down?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Thursday.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [in Rain Man accent] Thursday night, 8p.m., dinner.

Anna Riley: Are you excited?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yeah. I have a pretty good feeling.

Anna Riley: Where are you taking her?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I don't know. I thought, uh, Ernie's.

Anna Riley: Ernie's? You can't take her to Ernie's. Ernie's has been around since we were kids. You might as well take her to Houlihan's. You cannot take Rachel Rose to Ernie's.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Definitely not Ernie's. Definitely not. Mm-mmm. Uh-oh.

Anna Riley: No, you gotta take her someplace new and hot.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] No, hot. Definitely hot.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Well, what's - Okay, what's new and hot?

Anna Riley: What do we know about this girl?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Rachel Rose, 29 years old, Columbia School of Journalism. Middle East affairs expert.

Anna Riley: Perfect. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine. What's a good place?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Delphini's. Definitely Delphini's. Four stars, New York Times. Definitely Delphini's. Need a reservation. Delphini's.

Anna Riley: Now, are you gonna wear a suit, or are you gonna go cas'?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I don't know. I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I guess cas'.

Anna Riley, Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No, suit.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Definitely suit. Definitely...

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Hey, shut up, Rain Man. Seriously. Enough, all right? Now you're making me think about this.

Anna Riley: Oh, relax. You'll do great.

Anna Riley: I read your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.

Rachel Rose: Thanks, I really earned my stripes with that piece.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I earned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Whoa! Listen to what you're saying. You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?

Alan Klien: I suck! They're gonna take away my Yamulkha!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No you don't. You don't suck.

Alan Klien: I suck.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yes, all right, you do. You suck. But that's ok, you're supposed to suck. This isn't a talent contest, it's a rite of passage.

Anna Riley: I just called to see how the date went.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's so funny. I had an impulse to call you last night but then I thought it might be too late.

Anna Riley: You should've. I was stuck here barking at Los Angeles. So what did you wear?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? I'm not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why would I do that?

Anna Riley: I want to get an image of a young rabbi on the prowl, what's your game man?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok. Navy blue pin stripe suit.

Anna Riley: Mmm.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Navy blue button down shirt.

Anna Riley: Good colour for your eyes. Shoes?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather.

Anna Riley: Size?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Big.

Anna Riley: Ow!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You wanna hear about the special knot in my tie?

Anna Riley: Baby no, we gotta keep room for dessert. Don't give up hope ok?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'll keep it alive.

Anna Riley: Good bye Mr Sharp Dressed Man.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What happened to our youth?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Whoah! Are you seriously telling me that unless you find a nice Jewish girl and settle down in the next six months they're not going to give you this job?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'm seriously telling you there has not been a bachelor head rabbi of B'Nei Ezra since the beginning of the synagogue.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, God, please let this be painless.

Ali Decker: [opens door] Hi! Right on time! I like that in a rabbi!

Rachel Rose: Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ooh!... Is that bad or good?

Don: [in an thick Philipino accent] How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don, rhyme with flon. You have any question?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes, Yes indeed Don we do. Is this a good machine?

Don: Yeah it is good if you cheap bastard. No jus... jus doing comedy with you. That one is okay. But if you are serious about Kar'-oke.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh we are!

Don: Okay then... there is only one model for you. The AUDIO 2000. This baby got the 16-bit dual D/A converter, 3 beam checking, digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don't need that.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: That's nice. How much?

Don: Price is not important

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No price is very important, actually.

Don: Okay you got me; take me away. Okay it's a lil' bit expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Uh huh.

Don: And her heart thweaaaatt-boom! fall down on the floor, you say thank you Don.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: How much does it cost, exactly?

Don: [Motions them over and begins to talk quietly in an American accent] Alright, here's the real deal. Um, I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys, and uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I am feeling extra generous.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh!

Don: I'm gonna let you guys have it for $1,300.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: $1,300?

Don: Final offer.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: uh, excuse me, I just got a little warm.

[unzips jacket to reveal priest's collar]

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: My friend, he gets, he gets a little warm.

Don: [Sees priest's collar] Oh man! What is that? What is... get out of here with that. Is that real?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh yeah!

Anna Riley: Don't you have work?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: We're doing a hostile takeover of Congregation Bertov Sholem.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I got you something. I almost didn't because I was so mad but this is too good.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Holy shit! It's the Rabbi Schlomo Schnurson rookie card! It's like the last in the series!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: There's a reason you gotta do your haftorah at this age.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Rabbi Lewis! Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis.

Rabbi Lewis: Good to see you again Miss Riley.

Anna Riley: Good to see you again Rabbi Lewis.

Rabbi Lewis: You missed our last class.

Anna Riley: I know, I'm sorry, I thought I was leaving town.

Rabbi Lewis: [to Jake] Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Anna Riley: I would love to start up again if that's all right with you.

Rabbi Lewis: I'd be delighted. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got some dancing to do.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Tuesday's not good for me, I gotta mourn with the Schwarzes.

Rachel Rose: You write all your own sermons, right?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Actually I download them off the net, there's this great site www.hotgod.com.

Rachel Rose: Really?

[Anna kicks him under the table]

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ooh hoo, no.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What's the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner.

Steve Posner: Sexual perversion.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Greta Nussbaum, before she pulls her rotator cuff.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: [talking about the Ein Keloheinu] Excuse me, Raphae, guys, I just have to do this again 'cos it's really been bugging me. Ein Keloheinu. It's a joyous song, a prayer about praising the Lord, telling the Lord how much we love him, or her, but no matter what I do, I can't seem to be able to get you folks to sing it with any feeling. I mean, I brought in the band. That didn't work. I brought in my bongos last week. I think we can all agree that was a backwards step. So this morning, I've brought in a little outside help.

Anna Riley: I can't Wednesday night, I have a class.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, what are these classes already?

Anna Riley: I like to try new things sometimes, I don't wanna talk about it, I get embarrassed.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You shouldn't be embarrassed. A lot of people take... aikido.

Anna Riley: No.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Line dancing.

Anna Riley: Not even close.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What's the big deal, why?

Anna Riley: Jake.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Feng Shui?

Anna Riley: No.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You shouldn't be embarrassed if it's Feng Shui. You know what? Don't tell me, I like the whole mysterioso thing, it turns me on.

Anna Riley: I'm gonna miss a lot of things around here. Like Len's endless Howard Stern recountings and of course my Romeo Casanova boy across the way.

Len: [someone in Casanova's office starts waving a sign] Hey, what is that?

Anna Riley: I don't know.

[looks through binoculars]

Debbie: Who is that?

Anna Riley: It's Jake.

Debbie: What's he doing?

Anna Riley: [He's miming "pick up the phone", she picks up the phone] Anna Riley.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Hi, Anna? Can, can you see me? Cause I can't see you, I'm just looking at a reflection of myself.

Anna Riley: Jake, I can see you, what are you doing?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I've been trying to get up there for the last hour but it's like the frigging Pentagon with that T-Bone guy. So I decided to try Mr Casanova here - by the way his name is Howard. Anyway I've been doing some thinking and there are some things I'd like to talk to you about.

[Debbie switches to speakerphone]

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Am I on speakerphone?

All Anna's colleagues: Hi, Jake!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Hi. Hi. Can I talk to you alone? Can I come over there?

Anna Riley: No, I think now would be a good time.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok. Well, I've been thinking about some of the things you said and you were right.

Anna Riley: About what?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: About us. About me, especially about me.

Anna Riley: So what are you saying Jake?

All Anna's colleagues: Yeah, what are you saying Jake?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'm saying I love you. I'm in love with you. And I've been waiting my whole life for someone like you and I'm not gonna let you go. Please don't go. Anna, I'm not gonna let you go.

[pause]

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Could we hang up the phone maybe.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Feel the prana!

Anna Riley: We have a chemistry together, I can't explain it.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Well, chemistry's a funny thing.

Anna Riley: Yes, it is. Are you speaking abstractly or specifically?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Abstractly.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Holy majoly!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: He's, like, porn slapping her!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You're gonna benefit from this!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: He has a healthy self-confidence, I can tell from his posturing.

Anna Riley: You look so hot in your suit, can I just tell you.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Thank you. You look beautiful.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, you really do.

Anna Riley: Thanks, men!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I don't know what it is.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: An absence of something.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yeah, the cell phone.

Anna Riley: Uh, uh, uh. It's set to vibrate.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Wow, that's... sexy.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You're in love with her?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [to himself] No one seems to have picked up on this. It's very strange.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: So? She's a woman, she's not the Virgin Mary!

[punched]