R.J. Fletcher Quotes in UHF (1989)

R.J. Fletcher: This is indeed a sad day for Channel 8. We've been number one in this town for the past ten years. And now, our sponsors are pulling their accounts. We're losing valuable advertising revenue. We're losing credibility in the market. And why? Because of some fly-by-night UHF station! A UHF station! This is an embarrassment! A disgrace! What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?

Richard Fletcher: [mockingly] "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out."

Pamela Finklestein: [into a phone to R.J. Fletcher] "Broads don't belong in broadcasting?" Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?

R.J. Fletcher: [into the phone] Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, "never call chicks broads."

Pamela Finklestein: [incensed tone] Why, you slimy... ooh!

[hangs up the phone]

R.J. Fletcher: [the broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC] This community means about as much to me as a festering bown of dog snot! You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first. I can't stand those sniveling maggots! They make me want to puke! But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them.

[laughs evilly before Philo shuts off the broadcast]

Little Old Lady: Excuse me... aren't you R.J. Fletcher?

R.J. Fletcher: Yes!

[she knees him in the groin, he collapses in pain]

R.J. Fletcher: This is a business! Not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!

[George notices a measuring tape, but does not recognize Fletcher at first]

George Newman: Can I help you?

R.J. Fletcher: No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.

[Stanley enters the office and looks at the TV, but once he recognizes Fletcher, he runs away]

George Newman: Wait a minute, I think I missed something here.

R.J. Fletcher: Oh, didn't I tell you? I own this place now.

[Pamela Finklestein looks stunned about this]

George Newman: [shocked] You what?

R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?

George Newman: But my Uncle Harvey...

R.J. Fletcher: [interrupts George] Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal!

[George, Bob and Pamela all look stunned]

[in response to Fletcher stating that he owns Channel 62]

Bob Steckler: Wait a minute. Don't you already own Channel 8? Isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?

R.J. Fletcher: Oh! Really? Gee...

[George and Bob do not say anything]

R.J. Fletcher: I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot!

[then Fletcher laughs hysterically]

R.J. Fletcher: Toodle-oo!

R.J. Fletcher: You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...

Stanley Spadowski: Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.

R.J. Fletcher: [chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?

Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Okay...

R.J. Fletcher: Stanley... YOU'RE FIRED!

Stanley Spadowski: But I-I-I didn't...

R.J. Fletcher: GET OUT!

R.J. Fletcher: You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do? Does this look like a number two pencil?

Richard Fletcher: No... but... I just thought...

R.J. Fletcher: You thought? I don't pay you to think!

Richard Fletcher: But Dad...

R.J. Fletcher: SHUT UP!

R.J. Fletcher: Now wait just one minute! What do you think you're doing?

George Newman: [as Harvey signed the contract to save U-62] WE DID IT, THE STATION IS OURS!

[Everybody cheers as a happy fanfare music plays]

Harvey Bilchik: Wow, look at that!

R.J. Fletcher: [in anger] YOU CAN'T DO THIS! We had an agreement, remember? An oral contract. I'll sue them!

Harvey Bilchik: Ah, blow it out your ears, scuzzbag.

FCC Man: Are you R.J. Fletcher?

R.J. Fletcher: Who do you think I am?

FCC Man: I'm John Vector of the FCC. I notice that your station is late in filing for its license renewal this year. Now normally, this kind of violation is punishable by its stiff fine. But I've been watching you lately, you made a big impression on me. Yeah, I'm revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air.

Pamela Finklestein: Pamela Finklestein here, coming to you with the most incredible turn of events. Not only has the once powerful corporate broadcasting giant been thoroughly crushed and defeated. But now as luck would have it, they've been completely stripped of their license by the FCC.