Q Quotes in Spectre (2015)


Q Quotes:

  • James Bond: [Q hands Bond a watch] What does it do?

    Q: It tells the time. Might help with your punctuality issues.

    James Bond: M's idea?

    Q: Precisely. Oh, one word of warning, the alarm is rather loud... if you know what I mean.

    James Bond: I think I do.

    -- Q
  • [Bond notices the shell of the DB5]

    Q: Oh, yes. That old thing is taking quite a bit of time. Mind you, there wasn't much left to work, only a steering wheel. I believe I said, "Bring it back in one piece," not, "Bring back one piece."

    [Q laughs at his own joke]

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Could you do one more thing for me?

    Q: And that would be?

    James Bond: Make me disappear.

    -- Q
  • [last lines]

    Q: I thought you were done.

    James Bond: I am. I just need one more thing.

    -- Q
  • Q: May I remind you that I answer directly to M. I also have a mortgage and two cats to feed.

    James Bond: Well, then I suggest you trust me, for the sake of the cats.

    -- Q
  • Q: Well it's lovely to see you, 007. Lovely. Um, now I meant to tell you, the Smart Blood program is obviously still in its developmental phase. So we may experience the odd drop in coverage during the first 24 hours...

    [Bond glares at him]

    Q: 48 hours after administration, but after that it should work perfectly.

    [Bond smiles]

    James Bond: I'll send you a postcard.

    Q: Please don't.

    -- Q
  • Q: [notices the drink Bond left because he took the car] Ooohh... Shit!

    -- Q
  • Q: It always makes me feel a bit melancholy. Grand old war ship. being ignominiously haunted away to scrap... The inevitability of time, don't you think? What do you see?

    James Bond: A bloody big ship. Excuse me.

    Q: 007. I'm your new Quartermaster.

    James Bond: You must be joking.

    Q: Why, because I'm not wearing a lab coat?

    James Bond: Because you still have spots.

    Q: My complexion is hardly relevant.

    James Bond: Your competence is.

    Q: Age is no guarantee of efficiency.

    James Bond: And youth is no guarantee of innovation.

    Q: Well, I'll hazard I can do more damage on my laptop sitting in my pajamas before my first cup of Earl Grey than you can do in a year in the field.

    James Bond: Oh, so why do you need me?

    Q: Every now and then a trigger has to be pulled.

    James Bond: Or not pulled. It's hard to know which in your pajamas. Q.

    Q: 007.

    -- Q
  • [Bond is chasing Silva who escaped, trying to open a door]

    James Bond: It won't open.

    Q: Of course it will, put your back into it.

    James Bond: Why don't you come down here and put your back into it?

    -- Q
  • James Bond: A gun and a radio. It's not exactly Christmas, is it?

    Q: Were you expecting an exploding pen? We don't really go in for that anymore.

    -- Q
  • [At Q's lab, Q and Tanner try to create a false trail for Silva to follow]

    Q: It's a fine line. If the breadcrumb's too small, then he might miss it. Too big, and Silva will smell a rat.

    Tanner: Yes, but you'd think even Silva will be able to spot that.

    Q: He's the only one who could.

    [Tanner turns and sees Mallory standing behind them]

    Tanner: Sir.

    Q: Oh.

    Gareth Mallory: What are you doing?

    Q: We're just... monitoring.

    Gareth Mallory: Creating a false tracking signal for Silva to follow.

    Tanner: Well, sir, um...

    Q: Well, no...

    Gareth Mallory: Excellent thinking, get him isolated. Send him on the A9. It's a direct route. You can monitor his progress more accurately and confirm it with the traffic cameras.

    Q: But, uh... what if PM finds out?

    Gareth Mallory: Then we're all buggered. Carry on.

    -- Q
  • Q: I'm guessing this is not official.

    James Bond: Not even remotely.

    Q: So much for my promising career in espionage.

    -- Q
  • Q: There are only about six people in the world who could set up fail-safes like this.

    James Bond: Can you get past them?

    Q: I invented them.

    -- Q
  • Q: Oh, no. Can someone tell me how he got into our system?

    Raoul Silva: [program from his computer] Not such a clever boy.

    Q: Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit. He hacked us.

    -- Q
  • Q: Good luck out there in the field... And please return the equipment in one piece.

    James Bond: A brave new world.

    -- Q
  • Q: [Via Bond's earpiece] Where are you?

    James Bond: [He's on the train] Take a wild guess, Q.

    -- Q
  • Q: Why are the doors opening?

    [Bond runs]

    -- Q
  • [from trailer]

    Q: The Walther PPK/S nine-millimeter short. It's been coded to your palmprint so only you can fire it. Less of a random killing machine, more of a personal statement.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: You know, you're cleverer than you look.

    Q: Still, better than looking cleverer than you are.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: You must be joking.

    Q: As I learned from my predecessor, Bond, I never joke about my work.

    -- Q
  • [Q and Bond enter Q's office as Bond looks around at the vast array of devices left over from previous cases]

    James Bond: So, this is where they keep the old relics, then, eh?

    Q: I'll have you know our TOP cutting-edge technology is designed here.

    James Bond: [releasing the knife from the briefcase used in the From Russia With Love affair and fingering a blade] Point taken...

    Q: Must you touch everything?

    James Bond: [seeing his Thunderball jet pack] Hey, does this still work?

    [James activates the jet pack, and Q struggles to subdue it]

    Q: Now look...

    James Bond: [holding up the knife-studded shoe worn by Rosa Klebb years ago] So where is this cutting-edge stuff?

    Q: I'm trying to get to it.

    -- Q
  • Miss Moneypenny: [Moneypenny is typing a disinformative newspaper report in her office, when 007 walks in] James!

    James Bond: Moneypenny.

    [Bond and Moneypenny embrace and kiss. Bond lays Moneypenny out on her desk]

    Miss Moneypenny: Oh, James...

    [Continue kissing, when all of a sudden... ]

    Q: [walking in] Moneypenny?

    [Moneypenny sits up abruptly and removes a pair of virtual reality simulation centre glasses]

    Miss Moneypenny: Um... I was... um... just testing it out.

    [She blushes and buttons her blouse]

    Q: Oh, it's rather hard, isn't it?

    Miss Moneypenny: Yes... very...

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Check the tape. You'll find he's dead and she only has a flesh wound.

    Q: There's always an excuse, isn't there, Double-O-Zero?

    -- Q
  • Q: [Explaining the Aston Martin] ... Your new transportation

    [nothing visible on the platform]

    James Bond: I think you've been down here too long...

    -- Q
  • Q: [Explaining to Bond his new "adaptive camouflage" Aston Martin] To the casual eye, it's as good as invisible. Plus all the usual refinements: eject seat torpedoes, target seeking shotguns to shoot down mobile objects.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Give me the old fashioned target range, Quartermaster.

    Q: Yes, well, it's called the future, so get used to it.

    -- Q
  • Q: I wish I could make you vanish.

    -- Q
  • Q: [after a virtual reality shootout exercise] A perfect marksman isn't really supposed to shoot his own boss.

    James Bond: Check the replay. You'll find he's dead and she's only got a flesh wound.

    Q: There's always an excuse, isn't there, 00-zero.

    -- Q
  • Q: Now, a new watch. This should be your 20th, I believe.

    James Bond: How time flies.

    Q: Yes, well 007, why don't you establish a record by actually returning this one.

    -- Q
  • Q: It's the insurance damage waiver for your beautiful new car. Now, will you need collision coverage?

    James Bond: Yes.

    Q: Fire?

    James Bond: Probably.

    Q: Property destruction?

    James Bond: Definitely.

    Q: Personal Injury?

    James Bond: I hope not, but accidents do happen.

    Q: They frequently do with you.

    James Bond: Well, that takes care of the normal wear-and-tear. Is there any other protection I need?

    Q: Only from me 007, unless you bring that car back in pristine order.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: I think we understand each other.

    Q: Grow up, 007.

    -- Q
  • Q: I am not interested in your sordid escapades. Let's get on with it, shall we. Your new telephone. Talk here. Listen here.

    James Bond: So that's what I've been doing wrong all these years.

    Q: Look, it also includes a fingerprint scanner. a 2,000 volt security system, and this I'm particularly proud of - the remote control for your car. Tap twice. One. Two.

    [Car starts]

    Q: Now, draw very slowly across the pad to drive the car. It's surprisingly difficult to drive; but, with practice...

    James Bond: Well, let's see how she responds to my touch, eh, Q?

    -- Q
  • Q: Your new BMW 750. All the usual refinements. Machine guns. Rockets. The GPS tracking system.

    -- Q
  • [Q has blown up a dummy with an explosive pen]

    Q: Don't say it...

    James Bond: The writing is on the wall.

    Q: Along with the rest of him.

    -- Q
  • [Bond picks up a sandwich roll, studying it like a gadget]

    Q: Don't touch that! It's my lunch!

    -- Q
  • Q: A pen. This is a Class 4 grenade. Three clicks arms the four-second fuse, another three disarms it.

    [Bond takes the pen, clicks three times]

    James Bond: How long did you say the fuse was?

    [Q takes the pen back and disarms it]

    Q: Oh grow up, 007.

    James Bond: They always said the pen was mightier than the sword.

    Q: Thanks to me they were right!

    -- Q
  • [Q appears, wheelchair-bound with his leg in a cast]

    James Bond: Morning Q. Sorry about the leg. Skiing?

    [Q's leg "cast" fires a rocket across the room]

    Q: Hunting!

    -- Q
  • Q: Right. Now pay attention 007. First, your new car. BMW Agile 54 with gears. All points radar. Self destruct system. And, naturally, all the usual refinements. Now, this I'm particularly proud of - behind the headlights, stinger missiles!

    James Bond: Excellent, just the thing for unwinding after a rough day at the office.

    Q: Need I remind you, 007, that you have a licence to kill, not to break the traffic laws.

    -- Q
  • Q: A typical leather belt, size...

    James Bond: Q, I'm familiar with that device.

    -- Q
  • Q: Now, a typical leather belt... male, size 34 buckle, notch.

    [Bond is playing with a computer]

    Q: Are you finished?

    [Bond closes the laptop]

    James Bond: Yes.

    Q: Good. A typical leather belt...

    -- Q
  • James Bond: You're not retiring anytime soon - are you?

    Q: Now, pay attention 007. I've always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed.

    James Bond: And the second?

    Q: Always have an escape plan.

    -- Q
  • Q: Oh, grow up 007!

    -- Q
  • James Bond: I suppose we all have to pay the piper sometime. Right, Q?

    Q: Oh, pipe down, 007!

    James Bond: Was it something I said?

    Q: No, something you destroyed. My fishing boat! For my retirement, away from you!

    -- Q
  • R: As I was saying, the very latest in interception countermeasures. Titanium armor. A multi-tasking heads up display. And six beverage cup holders. All in all, rather stocked.

    Q: Fully loaded. I think is the term.

    R: I think...

    Q: You're not here to think. You're here to do what I tell you.

    -- Q
  • Q: Right. Now pay attention, 007. I want you to take great care of this equipment. There are one or two rather special accessories...

    James Bond: Q, have I ever let you down?

    Q: Frequently.

    -- Q
  • Q: Good morning 007.

    James Bond: Morning Q.

    Q: Mission successful?

    James Bond: On and off.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: [Bond walks into a Greek Confessional Booth] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

    Q: [Removing disguise] That's putting it mildly, 007!

    Q: Your signal sent Whitehall into shock. So far, we have managed to locate 439 St. Cyril's in Greece. Heaven only knows to which one Kristatos took the ATAC.

    James Bond: I know a well-informed person to contact about that, Q.

    -- Q
  • [last lines]

    The Prime Minister: [over the phone] Ah, Mr. Bond. I wanted to call you personnally and to say how pleased we all are that your mission was a success. Thank you.

    Parrot: Thank you, thank you.

    The Prime Minister: Don't thank me, Mr. Bond. Your courage and resourcefulness are a credit to the nation. Denis and I look forward to meeting you. Meanwhile, if there is anything I can do for you...

    Parrot: Give us a kiss, give us a kiss.

    The Prime Minister: Well, really, Mr. Bond.

    Tanner: I think we're having a little trouble with the line, madam.

    Frederick Gray: [to Q] You idiot. Get on to him.

    Q: 007. 007.

    Frederick Gray: Bond! Have you gone mad? What's going on? Bond. Bond! BOND!

    -- Q
  • Q: Bishop, you're crazy!

    Bishop: You know what? Last time you said that, I was kinda trippin', right? But now, you're right. I am crazy. And you know what else? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about you. I don't give a fuck about Steel. I don't give a *fuck* about Raheem, either. I don't give a fuck about myself. Look, I ain't shit. And you less of a man than me, so as soon as I figure you ain't gon be shit, *pow*! So be it. You remember that, motherfucker. 'Cause I'm the one you need to be looking out for... *partner*!

    -- Q
  • Trip: Thought you'd be lookin' for transportation outta town by now.

    Q: Trip, man. You gotta tell me what's goin' on.

    Trip: You done slid down a razor blade and landed in an alcohol river. Word is you killed Raheem. And Quillis. And Radames.

    Q: That's bullshit, man! You know me better than that!

    Trip: I don't know that.

    Q: C'mon, Trip, you known me since I was a kid.

    Trip: I known a lotta killers since they was kids.

    -- Q
  • Q: Man, you know what your problem is? You got no juice.

    -- Q
  • Q: What the fuck you gonna do... shoot me in an elevator?

    [Bishop fires his gun in the crowded elevator]

    -- Q
  • Q: She must take a lot of vitamins!

    James Bond: Yes, and perhaps Pegasus does too.

    -- Q
  • [last lines]

    [Bond is in the shower with Stacey and Q is using Snooper to spy on them]

    Q: 007 alive.

    M: Where is he? What's he doing?

    Q: Just cleaning up a few details.

    Stacey Sutton: Oh, James!

    -- Q
  • M: Now that we're all here, you can get on with the briefing, Q.

    Q: Very good, sir. Gentlemen, a silicon integrated circuit. The essential part of all modern computers.

    M: No lecture, Q. We're all aware of the usefulness of the microchip.

    Q: Well, now, until recently, all microchips were susceptible to damage from the intense magnetic pulse of a nuclear explosion.

    M: Magnetic pulse?

    James Bond: Yes, Minister. I burst in outer space over the UK and everything with a microchip in it, from, well, the modern toaster to the most sophisticated computers in our defense systems would we rendered absolutely useless.

    -- Q
  • Q: One of our private defense contractors came up with this: a chip totally impervious to magnetic pulse damage. Now, if I place it on the micro-comparator and compare it with a chip that Commander Bond recovered from the body of 003 in Siberia, when I bring the two images together...

    James Bond: They're identical. The KGB must have pipeline into that research company.

    -- Q
  • [first lines]

    Q: I've been saying for years, sir, that our special equipment is obsolete. And now, computer analysis reveals an entirely new approach: miniaturization. For instance, radioactive lint. When placed in an opponent's pockets, the anti-personnel and location fix seems fairly obvious.

    M: What we want is a location fix on 007.

    -- Q
  • Q: Look, James, I know that we haven't always exactly seen, well, anyway, don't forget, if there's anything you ever need...

    James Bond: Thank you, Q, but, this time I've got the gadgets

    [looks over towards Tracy]

    James Bond: and I know how to use them.

    -- Q
  • Vijay: Is he still there?

    Q: You must be joking! 007 on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

    -- Q
  • James Bond: [Q's mechanized version of the "Indian Rope Trick" malfunctions] Having problems keeping it up, Q?

    Q: Experimental model!

    -- Q
  • [Bond and Q are floating in a hot air balloon]

    James Bond: I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?

    Q: It goes by hot air.

    James Bond: Oh, then you can.

    -- Q
  • Q: [Q is demonstrating a pen filled with acid] Dissolves all metals.

    James Bond: Wonderful for poison pen letters...

    Q: Pay attention, 007!

    -- Q
  • Q: [being kissed by Octopussy's girls after knocking out a bandit] Cut it out! We don't have time for that! Later perhaps.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Ah, Q - how are you?

    Q: Most unhappy, 007, thanks to you. How can I be expected to maintain the quality of my work? Sent out here at a moment's notice! No proper facilities!

    James Bond: Yes, well, you wouldn't have a small piece of thread, now. Somebody seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet.

    Q: Ah, they missed you. What a pity!

    James Bond: I've also mislaid my PPK.

    Q: Anything else?

    James Bond: No, that's all Q.

    -- Q
  • Q: Really, 007! Look, I haven't time for these adolescent antics!

    -- Q
  • Q: Now this one I'm particularly keen about. You see the gear lever here? Now, if you take the top off, you will find a little red button. Whatever you do, don't touch it.

    James Bond: Yeah, why not?

    Q: Because you'll release this section of the roof, and engage and then fire the passenger ejector seat. Whish!

    James Bond: Ejector seat? You're joking!

    Q: I never joke about my work, 007.

    -- Q
  • Q: [Showing Bond a tracking device] Reception on the dashboard, here. Audo-visual


    Q: , range a hundred and fifty miles.

    James Bond: Ingenious, and useful too. Allow a man to stop off for a quick one en route.

    Q: It has not been perfected, out of years of patient research, ENTIRELY for that purpose, 007. And incidentally, we'd appreciate its return, along with all your other equipment, INTACT for once, when you return from the field.

    James Bond: Well, you'd be surprised the amount of wear and tear that goes on out there in the field.

    -- Q
  • [walking through Q Branch, one worker calmly empties a machine gun at another man's chest, who then opens his coat to reveal a bulletproof vest]

    Q: It's not perfected yet.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Where's my Bentley?

    Q: Oh, it's had its day, I'm afraid.

    James Bond: It's never let me down

    Q: M's orders, 007. You'll be using this Aston Martin DB5 with modifications. Now, pay attention please. Windscreen - bulletproof. As are the side and the rear windows. Revolving number plates, naturally. Valid - all countries.

    -- Q
  • Q: Here's a nice little transmitting device. Its called a homer. You prime it by pressing that back like this. You see. The smaller model is now standard field issue - to be fitted into the heel of your shoe. Its larger brother is magnetic. Right. It can be concealed in the car your trailing while you keep out of sight. Reception - on the dashboard here.

    [Sits in the Aston Martin DB5]

    Q: Audio visual range 150 miles.

    James Bond: Ingenious and useful too. Allow a man to stop off for a quick one on route.

    Q: It has not been perfected after years of patient research entirely for that purpose, 007.

    -- Q
  • Q: You see this arm here?

    [Points inside the Aston Martin DB5]

    Q: Open the top and inside are your defense mechanism controls. Smokescreen. Oil slick. Rear bulletproof screen. And left and right front wing machine guns. Now, this one I'm particularly keen on. You see the gear lever here. Now, if you take the top off, you find a little red button. Whatever you do, don't touch it.

    James Bond: And why not?

    Q: Because you release this section of the roof and engage and fire the passenger ejector seat. Whoosh!

    James Bond: Ejector seat, you're joking?

    Q: I never joke about my work, 007.

    -- Q
  • [after demonstrating a boom-box rocket launcher]

    Q: [to Bond] Something we're making for the Americans. It's called a "Ghetto Blaster".

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Just taking the Aston Martin out for a quick spin, Q.

    Q: Be careful, 007. Its just had a new coat of paint!

    -- Q
  • Q: Una Yakov. Confirmed kills - 3. Probable kills - 2. Assassination methods - strangulation with hands or thighs.

    Miss Moneypenny: Why, James, she's just your type.

    James Bond: Wrong again, Moneypenny. You are.

    Miss Moneypenny: I'll file that with the other secret information around here.

    -- Q
  • Q: Stun gas! Effective range - oh, about five feet. Disorientates any normal person for about - oh, 30 seconds.

    James Bond: You don't find too many normal people in this business, Q.

    -- Q
  • Q: We packed the finder with a highly concentrated plastic explosive. Sufficient to remove a door of any safe. Its magnetic. The actuating signal is personalized.

    James Bond: What's my code?

    Q: Most appropriate: a wolf whistle.

    -- Q
  • [M stares in shock as Bond relays news of his foul-up]

    James Bond: And that is really all there is to report, sir.

    M: So if I heard correctly, Scaramanga got away - in a car that sprouted wings!

    Q: Oh, that's perfectly feasible, sir. As a matter of fact, we're working on one now.

    M: Oh, Q, shut up! Miss Goodnight was in the boot.

    James Bond: Yes, sir. We found the carplane abandonned about two hundred miles west of Bangkok.

    M: And the Solex?

    Lieutenant Hip: In Goodnight's handbag, sir.

    M: [shakes head] Where's Miss Goodnight now?

    James Bond: Well, we don't know sir. Communications aren't picking up the signal from the homer she was supplied by Q.

    Q: [indignantly] Rubbish! They're simply not stepping up the reception sufficiently to enable...

    M: [cuts him off] Oh, shut up! Of all the fouled-up, half-witted operations...

    -- Q
  • Colthorpe: [trying to trace origins of a golden bullet] Lazar?

    Q: Lazar? Hmm, imaginative, highly specialised... Yes! I concur.

    James Bond: Well, what the hell is Lazar?

    Colthorpe: Not "what", "who". Portuguese. Lives in Macau.

    Q: Chap who made the bullet, 007!

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Q, I'll need this.

    [Writes something down on a piece of paper and hands it to Q]

    Q: Really, 007!

    James Bond: Oh, I admit it's a little kinky.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: Pam, this is Q, my "uncle". Uncle, this is "Miss Kennedy," my "cousin."

    Q: Ah! We must be related.

    [kisses her]

    -- Q
  • Pam Bouvier: [Mocking Lupe Lamora] I love James so much.

    [Normal voice]

    Pam Bouvier: I'll be damned if I help him.

    Q: Look... Don't judge him too harshly, my dear. Field operatives much often use every means that their disposal to achieve their objectives.

    Pam Bouvier: Bullshit!

    -- Q
  • James Bond: This is no place for you, Q. Go home.

    Q: Oh, don't be an idiot, 007. I know exactly what you're up to, and quite frankly, you're going to need my help. Remember, if it hadn't been for Q Branch, you'd have been dead long ago.

    [opens a case]

    Q: Everything for a man on holiday. Explosive alarm clock - guaranteed never to wake up anyone who uses it. Dentonite toothpaste - to be used sparingly, the latest in plastic explosive.

    James Bond: I could do with some plastic.

    -- Q
  • Pam Bouvier: [Pam picks up X Ray Camera and turns it on] Smile, boys.

    Q: [X Ray Camera turns on and laser is pointed at painting and 007 and Q jump out of the way] DON'T USE THE FLASH!

    Q: [X Ray Camera takes the photo but it shows their bones and that of the painting]

    [Q takes the X Ray Camera away from Pam]

    Q: Stop *fiddling* around with things you don't understand you might have easily killed him!

    Pam Bouvier: [Pam looks at photo] That's Odd...

    [Q takes photo away from her]

    -- Q
  • Tiffany Case: [while Q is playing the slot machines, winning big every time] Hi there, Mr. Q. Are you having any luck?

    Q: I'm being somewhat successful, thank you.

    -- Q
  • Q: Good to see you Mr. Bond. Things've been awfully dull 'round here. Bureaucrats running the whole place. Everything done by the book. Can't make a decision unless the computer gives you the go ahead. Now you're on this. I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence!

    James Bond: I certainly hope so too.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: We're both humble servants of the Crown, Alge.

    Q: If the CIA made me an offer, I'd be off like a shot! Unlimited resources. Air conditioning. Twenty-eight flavors of ice cream in the restaurant.

    -- Q
  • Q: Wait a minute, I've got something in here that could be useful. The prototype came from a KGB defector. A bit of a whiz kid in their technical section. Not a bad chap. Though I thought a bit is prone to melancholy. I suppose it's all that vodka and English weather.

    -- Q
  • Q: Rather tasty this is. It looks like a watch, but, it's really a laser. It keeps perfect time.

    James Bond: But, for how long?

    Q: At least your lifetime.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: I won't need one of these where I'm going.

    Q: Where's that or - are you not allowed to say?

    James Bond: The Bahamas.

    Q: Oh, lucky, bloody you!

    -- Q
  • Q: [Talking to Bond, in his lab] I wish I had a new contract. They slashed my budget. You can't get the spare parts. And when you can, there's usually some strike that stops delivery. Look at this place. They keep it bloody freezing down here. Plays havoc with my sinuses.

    -- Q
  • James Bond: [In the lab, curious about yet another one of Q's interesting little spy gadgets] What is this for?

    Q: I'll show you. You unscrew it... then stick it up your nose.

    Q: [as he sticks the inhaler up his nose and sniffs] For my sinus.

    -- Q
  • Sir Frederick Gray, Minister of Defence: My God, what's Bond doing?

    Q: I think he's attempting re-entry, sir.

    -- Q
  • Q: [explaining operation of dart wrist-gun] It's activated by nerve impulses from the wrist muscles.

    James Bond: Like this?

    [dart pierces a painting on M's wall]

    M: Oh, thank you, 007!

    Q: Be careful, will you? Now, there's ten darts: five blue-tipped, with armour-piercing heads; five red-tipped, cyanide coated, causing death in thirty seconds.

    James Bond: Very novel, Q. Must get them in the stores for Christmas. Good day, gentlemen!

    -- Q
  • Q: Ah, there you are 007.

    James Bond: Balls, Q?

    Q: Bolos, 007.

    -- Q
  • Q: Now here's something I want you to use with special care. With special care.

    James Bond: Everything you give me...

    Q: You treat it with equal contempt. Yes, I know, but that's an underwater camera. It takes eight pictures in rapid succession by pressing that button now.

    James Bond: Is that clever?

    Q: If it can take pictures in the dark with an infrared film, yes.

    -- Q
  • Q: Try to be a little less than your frivolous self, 007.

    -- Q
  • Bond: [Bond sees Q enter the equipment room] Oh no.

    Q: Ah, double-oh seven.

    Bond: [sarcastically] What a wonderful surprise.

    Q: Well, for me, too. I must say, I find this business of equipping you in the field, on the run as it were, highly irregular. Here we have a Geiger counter. Useful and unobtrusive. The sweep hand takes the radioactivity count. It's waterproof, of course.

    Bond: But of course.

    -- Q
  • Q: It closes to a convenient pocket size.

    Bond: Assuming one has a convenient pocket.

    -- Q
  • Q: Now here's a miniature Very pistol, which fires a bright red flare, a distress signal. You should keep in on you, day and night.

    Bond: I resent that remark.

    [Bond prepares to fire the pistol]

    Q: Here! Look, do you mind?

    -- Q
  • Q: Now pay attention. A recently developed, harmless, radioactive device.

    Bond: Harmless.

    Q: Which sends out a homing signal to a special receiver.

    Bond: Mm! Well what am I supposed to do with this?

    Q: Obviously you... swallow it.

    Bond: Now?

    -- Q
  • Tiger Tanaka: [discussing Osato Chemicals' supertanker, the Ning Po, which is known to be smuggling rocket fuel] We shadowed the Ning Po to the outer islands.

    Aki: It was very dark. Hard to see her all the time.

    Tiger Tanaka: But we know she stopped somewhere. Look at these photos.

    [Tiger hands James photos of the Ning Po]

    Aki: Look at the water line.

    James Bond: [noticing the higher water line of the ship in seperate photos] You're right. Fully laden here, and empty here.

    James Bond: [getting up] I want to take a look at the island now. Is Little Nellie here?

    Tiger Tanaka: Yes. And her father.

    [James, Aki, and Tiger enter a nearby garage where an agitated and sweating Q is waiting]

    James Bond: [sarcastically] Welcome to Japan, Dad. Is my little girl hot and ready?

    Q: [annoyed] Look, 007, I've had a long and tiring journey, probably to no purpose, so I'm in no mood for juvenile quips.

    -- Q
  • Tiger Tanaka: I have my curiosity, Bond-san. What is little Nellie?

    James Bond: Oh, she's a wonderful girl. Very small. Quite fast. Can do anything. Just your type.

    Tiger Tanaka: A toy helicopter?

    Q: No, it's certainly not a toy!

    -- Q
  • Q: [Showing Bond the improvements to little Nellie, his one-man, open-air, helicopter] Right. Now, pay attention. Two machine guns, fixed.

    James Bond: Synchronized to what?

    Q: A hundred yards when using incendiaries and high explosives. Two rocket launchers. Forward-firing on either side.

    James Bond: Fine.

    Q: Now, these fire heat-seeking air-to-air missiles - sixty a minute.

    James Bond: Good.

    Q: Flame guns. Two of them. Firing astern.

    James Bond: What range?

    Q: Eighty yards. Two smoke ejectors next door to them. Aerial mines. Now, remember, use them only when directly above target. That's about the lot, I think. You know the rest, don't you?

    James Bond: Yes.

    -- Q
  • Q: [to Evelyn Tremble entering the laboratory. He hands him a form] If you'd be good enough to sign here, sir. It's not for me, it's for the Official Secrets Act.

    -- Q
  • Q: I... am a writer.


    -- Q
  • Q: [Taking photographs] Let's open your eyes a little bit more this time, OK? OK, wider. Open your eyes.

    Serena: I'm Asian, you idiot!

    -- Q
  • Q: Bitch is in there crawling on the ceiling.

    -- Q
  • Tony: Whoa, whoa, easy Grandma easy. Didn't mean to scare you.

    Grandma: Oh really, 'fuckface'? Do I look scared to you?

    Tony: Calm down. It's not the 1st time I've had a gun pointed at me.

    Grandma: Oh, maybe so, but it could be the last time anyone shoots your balls off! Ha ha, now that's better. Now you 'Bald Ass'!

    [points gun at Muscles]

    Grandma: and you 'Fat Ass'

    [points gun at Pat]

    Grandma: and you 'Black Ass'

    [points gun at Q]

    Grandma: get back in your shit mobile and piss off! Go rob a post office or something!

    Pat: We'd love to but we ran out of fuel and we barely made it here.

    Grandma: Then go rob a freaking petrol station or something!

    Q: I understand how this looks. We're not here to rob anyone. We just saw the car and...

    Grandma: Thought you'd get a closer look eh?. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I just might shoot the lot of you anyways!

    Q: Whoa, easy, easy, all right? You're not gonna shoot anyone.

    Grandma: Oh, really?

    Q: Yeah, because if you do, you'll attract every member of the undead within a 10-mile radius and I know you don't want to do that. Look, you even took the wind-chimes from your front door.

    Muscles: We understand that we startled you out here all alone.

    Cassie: [out of nowhere she appears pointing a gun at Q's head] What makes you think she's all alone?

    -- Q
  • Grandma: Going somewhere good are we?

    Tony: Put the fucking gun down!

    Grandma: No, after you.

    Tony: Ladies 1st!

    Q: Ton, what's going on?

    Tony: We're leaving!

    Grandma: Not with all our food you're not!

    Tony: Don't fucking argue with me! We are heading for the coast. I got the car keys in me pocket.

    Q: Ton, this is wrong mate.

    Tony: Oh shut up you soppy little cunt! What do you know about right and fucking wrong? Was it 'right' for any of 'this' to happen? Was it ' right' for us to rob a bank? Was it 'right' to steal a van? No! Yes it is a piece of shit fucking van with me mate's blood all over it!

    Q: Why don't you lower the gun?

    Tony: Shut up! Was it 'right' for fucking Danny to be buried in the mud? No! Was it 'right' for Crazy Steve to be eaten by those fucking things?

    Cassie: Tony, look...

    Tony: Shut the fuck up you cunt!

    [Pat & Muscles enter the room]

    Tony: Pat, we leaving mate, Muscles, I got the car keys in me pocket mate!

    Pat: What?

    Muscles: Tony, no mate...

    Grandma: You're not going anywhere!

    Tony: Shut up you old cow or I'll shoot you then I'll shoot your fucking granddaughter!

    Grandma: You pathetic little man!

    Tony: Oh yeah?

    [starts to shoot gun but it only clicks]

    Cassie: You evil fuck!

    Grandma: You thought I would leave a loaded gun in the house with someone like you around?

    -- Q

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