Pseudolus Quotes in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966)

Hero: Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Pseudolus: Be the first. Start a fashion.

Philia: That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!

Pseudolus: He raped Thrace?

Philia: And then he came and did it again! And then again!

Pseudolus: He raped Thrace thrice?

[Examining a wine bottle]

Pseudolus: Was 1 a good year?

Pseudolus: Wait!

Hero: Yes?

Pseudolus: A brilliant idea!

Hero: Yes!

Pseudolus: That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

Pseudolus: [disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish] I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.

Erronius: How did you know?

Pseudolus: I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

Hysterium: [He's dressed in women's clothing] My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.

Pseudolus: Your father is alive.

Hysterium: Well... this will kill him.

Lycus: Is it contagious?

Pseudolus: Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

Miles Gloriosus: Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!

Pseudolus: Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

Miles Gloriosus: What is she like?

Pseudolus: A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!

Miles Gloriosus: As magnificent as that?

Pseudolus: Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

Hysterium: One of us isn't ready yet.

Pseudolus: [Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves] A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

Hero: Is that disgraceful?

Pseudolus: There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!

Pseudolus: An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

Pseudolus: I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

Pseudolus: We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

Hysterium: Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

Pseudolus: He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

Hysterium: Uh - what about HIS body?

Pseudolus: Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?

[He covers his eyes with his hand]

Hysterium: [sadly] I wish *I* was.

[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]

Pseudolus: You must never know what goes on in that house.

Hero: But I do know.

Pseudolus: You do? Isn't it amazing.

Miles Gloriosus: I cannot afford to offend the gods.

Pseudolus: Who can?

Pseudolus: Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.

Lycus: She was sold just this morning.

Hero: Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

[tries to stab himself and misses]

Pseudolus: [takes the blade] Behave yourself!

Lycus: [resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.

Hero: Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

[takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]

Pseudolus: Put your bosom away!

Miles Gloriosus: [about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.

Pseudolus: Of course!

[kisses him]

Miles Gloriosus: Not you!

Pseudolus: [seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia] Sir! You're back!

Senex: She almost broke it!

[Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]

Fertilla: My man has come for me!

Pseudolus: Good. Where is he?

Pseudolus: [talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!

Pseudolus: [He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.

Pseudolus: [referring to Hero's being alone with Philia] What can happen in an hour or two?

Hysterium: At his age, the mind boggles!

Pseudolus: [to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

Miles Gloriosus: [notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!

Pseudolus: [suddenly filled with dread] It's time.

Hysterium: How dare you call me a eunuch?

Pseudolus: You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?

Hysterium: Pseudolus...

Pseudolus: I'm Lycus!

Hysterium: But, Pseudolus...

Pseudolus: I'm Lycus!

Hysterium: But, Pseudolus - !

Pseudolus: I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!

Hysterium: Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!