Psammead Quotes in Five Children and It (2004)

Psammead: I am a Sand Fairy!

Jane: A Sand Fairy? I thought fairies had little ballet dresses and wings and wands.

Psammead: What on earth have you been reading?

Jane: I'll call you Sandy.

Psammead: Why?

Jane: Because we found you in the sand.

Psammead: You're so funny. Have your parents tried boiling you?

Jane: That hole doesn't look very comfortable. Would you like to come and sit next to me, like Flopsy? He's my rabbit.

Psammead: You have a rabbit called Flopsy? Has he got no spine? Your ability with naming things is not very good, child.

Psammead: Were the vases smashed to smithereens?

Jane: Yes.

Psammead: Add the floor flooded and dictionaries drenched?

Cyril: They were.

Psammead: And the house burned to the ground?

Robert: No.

Psammead: House didn't burn to the ground? I'd say you got off pretty lightly then, all things considered.

Robert: Not so fast, Sand Fairy!

Cyril: You made them ruin the house on purpose, didn't you?

Psammead: Look, it's not me, it's the rules. You make a wish, it goes horribly wrong, and then you learn something valuable.

Robert: That's terrible. I don't need to learn anything!

Psammead: Of course, everything is back to normal by sunset.

Robert: Sand Fairy, I need this wish.

Psammead: If you wait, I can grant you a wish when dawn comes, but not before.

Robert: But you'll do it?

Psammead: Yes, but child, what then? The wish will fade at sunset, you know that.

Robert: Maybe this wish won't fade.

Psammead: You know it will.

Robert: What's the point in wishes that don't last?

Psammead: Magic. Faith. That is nature. I can show you the way, but in the end, it is up to you.

Psammead: You don't get many cards these days. You know how it is after your 6,523rd birthday.

Anthea: You don't look that old.

Psammead: I drink a lot of moisturizer.

Jane: And you can't have a birthday without a present. Here.

Psammead: Brown paper, my favorite!

Jane: No, you have to unwrap it.

Psammead: Oh, yes, I knew that.

Psammead: Stay back!

Cyril: [to Robert] You have to stop talking to it. It could be dangerous.

Anthea: I bet it has huge fangs and poisonous saliva.

Robert: It's an ugly little monster.

Psammead: "It"? "It"? "It"? Do you mean to tell me that you do not know what a Psammead is?

Robert: You're a what?

Psammead: I am a Psammead crustacea decapodlium wishasaurus. Got it?

Robert: No.

Psammead: Alright, I will grant you your wishes. But I have a list of demands. My needs are minimal, but what I need is a state room, with a sunken bath, and those taps that go backwards and forwards. And I need a toothbrush made of gold. Not the bristles, of course, but the bit you hold. Gold bristles would hurt my gums, you see. Did that once. Anyway, I'd like white sand spread on the floor, preferably sand from the Bahamas. And a shower cap.

Anthea: Sand Fairy?

Psammead: Are you still here?

Anthea: Yes, and we wish...

Cyril: Anthea.

Anthea: We wish for all the tasks on Uncle's list to be done by magic.

Jane: What do you think?

Psammead: Ah, well... Very good, I like err... the use of light and shadow, it's very effective. The subject is hideous monster, of course. As the sun here melts, the monster, he is shocked! His hair's on end and... oh, it's me.

[Jane chuckles]

Psammead: What a delicious monster collection you have.

Horace: Now I have you to complete it.

Psammead: Here we go, Horace. I promised you a dinosaur. And you shall get what you deserve. This... is Gerald.

Psammead: Sand Fairy, make the wish stop.

Jane: I've got you, Sand Fairy.

Psammead: [to Jane] Hello. You're my favorite one of the bunch, you know.

Anthea: I've got you too.

Psammead: [to Anthea] Well, you're my favorite one of the bunch, too.

[to Cyril]

Psammead: And you're very tall.

Cyril: Come on.

Psammead: Just burp me once.

Psammead: I think it means you haven't had a whole day's wish, contractually speaking. Therefore, you do have some wish allowance left over.

Horace: It can talk!

Psammead: You should hear me sing.

Psammead: [sarcastically] You're so funny! Have your parents tried boiling you?