Protestant Clergyman Quotes in Hail, Caesar! (2016)

Catholic Clergyman: God has children.

Rabbi: What? And a dog? A collie, maybe? God doesn't have children. He's a bachelor. And very angry.

Catholic Clergyman: No! No! He used to be angry!

Rabbi: What? He got over it?

Protestant Clergyman: You worship the god of another age!

Catholic Clergyman: Who has no love!

Rabbi: Not true! He likes Jews.

Protestant Clergyman: Who plays Christ?

Eddie Mannix: A kid we're all very excited about, Todd Hocheiser, a wonderful young actor we found in Akron, Ohio, after a nationwide talent hunt. But Hocheiser is seen only fleetingly and with extreme taste. Our story is told through the eyes of a Roman tribune, Autochlus Antonius, an ordinary man, skeptical at first, but who comes to a grudging respect for this swell figure from the East.

Eddie Mannix: As for the religious aspect, does the depiction of Christ Jesus cut the mustard?

Catholic Clergyman: Well, the nature of Christ is not quite as simple as your photoplay would have it.

Eddie Mannix: How so, father?

Catholic Clergyman: It's not the case, simply, that Christ is God or God - Christ.

Rabbi: You can say that again! The Nazarene was not God.

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: He was not not God.

Rabbi: He was a man.

Protestant Clergyman: Part God.

Rabbi: No, sir!

Eddie Mannix: Rabbi, all of us have a little bit of God in us, don't we?

Catholic Clergyman: It's the foundation of our belief that Christ is most properly referred to as the Son of God. It's the Son of God who takes the sins of the world upon himself, so that the rest of God's children, we imperfect beings, through faith, may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Eddie Mannix: So, God is - split?

Catholic Clergyman: Yes! And no.

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: There is unity in division.

Protestant Clergyman: And division in unity.

Eddie Mannix: I'm not sure I follow padre.

Rabbi: Young man, you don't follow for a very simple reason. These men are screwballs.

Protestant Clergyman: God loves everyone!

Catholic Clergyman: God is love!

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: God is who he is.

Rabbi: This is special? Who is and who is?

Catholic Clergyman: But, how should God be rendered in a motion picture?

Rabbi: God isn't in the motion picture!

Eddie Mannix: We don't need to agree on the nature of the deity here. If we could focus on the Christ, whatever his parentage. My question is: is our depiction fair?

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: I have seen worse.

Eddie Mannix: Reverend?

Protestant Clergyman: There's nothing to offend a - reasonable man.

Eddie Mannix: Father?

Catholic Clergyman: The motion picture teleplay was respectful and exhibited tastefulness and class.

Rabbi: Who made you an expert all of the sudden?

Eddie Mannix: And, what do you think, Rabbi?

Rabbi: Eh? I haven't an opinion.