Professor Wagstaff Quotes in Horse Feathers (1932)

Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Professor Wagstaff: In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?

Baravelli: Well, first we want a football.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.

Baravelli: I no think I can sleep on a football.

Professor Wagstaff: Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.

Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?

Professor Wagstaff: Where they always sleep: in the classroom.

Professor Wagstaff: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?

Baravelli: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffeur.

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of a car have you got?

Baravelli: Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffeur.

Professor Wagstaff: Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?

Baravelli: Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car.

Professor Wagstaff: Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffeur.

Baravelli: That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

Professor Wagstaff: Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

Baravelli: He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job.

Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Baravelli: [through speakeasy's door] Who are you?

Professor Wagstaff: I'm fine, thanks, who are you?

Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?

Baravelli: Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.

Professor Wagstaff: Is it Mary?

Baravelli: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.

Professor Wagstaff: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli: Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Professor Wagstaff: I got it. Haddock.

Baravelli: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.

Professor Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a calomel.

Professor Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli: You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.

Professor Wagstaff: ...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"?

Baravelli: Hah. That's-a it. You guess it.

Professor Wagstaff: Pretty good, eh?

[Wagstaff's looking in a microscope]

Biology Professor: What do you think of that slide?

Professor Wagstaff: Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.

Professor Wagstaff: [referring to the picture of the pin-up girl] Baravelli, is this your picture?

Baravelli: I don't think so. It no look-a like me.

Referee: [sees Wagstaff lying in the middle of the field with a cigar] What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?

Professor Wagstaff: Why? Do you know another way to smoke it?

Frank: Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.

Professor Wagstaff: My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

Professor Wagstaff: You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw the American Tragedy?

Connie: Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor.

Professor Wagstaff: I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.

Connie: If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.

Professor Wagstaff: If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.

Professor Wagstaff: Jumping anaconda!

Professor Wagstaff: I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

Professor: The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.

Professor Wagstaff: I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.

Jennings: If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey!

Professor Wagstaff: This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.

Professor Wagstaff: [singing] I don't know what they have to say / It makes no difference anyway / Whatever it is, I'm against it. / No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it! / Your proposition may be good / But let's have one thing understood: / Whatever it is, I'm against it. / And even when you've changed it or condensed it, I'm against it! / For months before my son was born / I used to yell from night till morn: / Whatever it is, I'm against it! / And I've kept yelling since I've first commenced it, I'm against it.

Retiring President: Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.

Professor Wagstaff: That's what you say.

Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.

Professor Wagstaff: The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar.

Baravelli: There's a man outside with a big black moustache.

Professor Wagstaff: Tell him I've got one!

Jennings: I love good music.

Professor Wagstaff: So do I, let's get out of here.

Jennings: Sit down!

Professor Wagstaff: [to the audience] I've got to stay here, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby until this thing blows over.

Professor Wagstaff: [the retiring president has just made a speech] Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

Jennings: What are you doing here?

Baravelli: Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.

Jennings: [to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?

Baravelli: Since you came in.

Jennings: [to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?

Professor Wagstaff: I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.

[to audience]

Professor Wagstaff: That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.

Professor Wagstaff: Why, I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse!

Connie: [Professor Wagstaff and Connie are in a canoe - a duck is swimming nearby. Connie speaks in a baby voice] Is gweat big stwong man gonna tell icky baby all about the bad football signals?

Professor Wagstaff: Was that you or the duck? 'Cause if it was you, I'm going to finish this ride with the duck.

Professor Wagstaff: My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team.

Connie: Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.

Professor Wagstaff: Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.

Professor Wagstaff: Who was that?

Connie: The iceman.

Professor Wagstaff: Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.

Connie: Oh!

Professor Wagstaff: That iceman stuff leaves me cold. And if I leave you cold, I'm not the man I used to be.

Biology Professor: Here is the liver.

Professor Wagstaff: What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.

Professor Wagstaff: I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Professor Wagstaff: [to lecturing anatomy professor] Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along?

Professor Wagstaff: I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.

Baravelli: That means nothing to me.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.

Baravelli: Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.

Professor Wagstaff: You're heading for a breakdown, why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

Professor Wagstaff: And I say to you gentlemen that this college is a failure. The trouble is we're neglecting football for education.

Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study: Exactly. The professor is right.

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, I'm right, am I? Well, I'm not right, I'm wrong. I just said that to test you. Now I know where I'm at - I'm dealing with a couple of snakes. What I meant to say was that there's too much football and not enough education.

Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study: That's what I think.

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, you do, do you? Well, you're wrong again! If there was a snake here, I'd apologize.

[receptionist opens door to Wagstaff's office where he is conferring with two professors]

Wagstaff's Receptionist: Oh, Professor, the Dean of Science wants to know how soon you can see him. He says he's tired of cooling his heels out here.

Professor Wagstaff: Tell him I'm cooling a couple of heels in here.

[receptionist leaves and re-enters fifteen seconds later]

Wagstaff's Receptionist: The Dean is furious! He's waxing wroth!

Professor Wagstaff: Is Roth out there, too? Tell Roth to wax the Dean for awhile.

[nudges one professor]

Professor Wagstaff: Guess that's bad, huh?

Professor Wagstaff: Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends.

[Pinky/Harpo pulls out a candle burning at both ends]

Professor Wagstaff: Well, I was wrong. I knew there was something you couldn't burn something at both ends. I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that

[points to female student sitting in the classroom]

Professor Wagstaff: You stay after school.

Female Student: But, Professor, I didn't do anything.

Professor Wagstaff: I know, but there's no fun keeping him after school.

Professor Wagstaff: Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.

Jennings: [at the College Widow's apartment] Pretty popular place, huh?

Professor Wagstaff: Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here.

Frank: Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country hang out in a speakeasy downtown.

Professor Wagstaff: Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College, go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?

Frank: It's at forty-two Elm Street, but you can't go there. It's unethical. It isn't right for a college to buy football players.

Professor Wagstaff: It isn't, eh? Well, I'll nip that in the bud. How about coming along and having a nip yourself. Or better still, you wait here.

Professor Wagstaff: [in a football huddle] Don't look now, boys, but I think I see the Chemistry Professor up in the stands with the Janitors' wife.

[the football players look up into the stands]

Professor Wagstaff: [hands Pinky a cigar] Here, have a cigar.

Professor Wagstaff: No doubt you would like to know why I am here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here, a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye. By the way, where is my son?

[Looks around the room]

Professor Wagstaff: Young lady, would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise?

[Young lady stands up, underneath, Zeppo rises]

Professor Wagstaff: So, doing your home work in school, eh?

Frank: Hello, old timer!

Retiring President: Professor Wagstaff, now that you have stepped into my shoes...

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you can do is have 'em cleaned.

Professor Wagstaff: What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with the college widow? No wonder you can't get out of college. Twelve years in one college! I went to three colleges in twelve years and fooled around with three college widows. When I was your age I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without my supper and I didn't go to bed at all. A college widow stood for something in those days. In fact she stood for plenty!

Frank: There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.

Professor Wagstaff: There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her!

Frank: Dad, this college has had a new president every year since 1888.

Professor Wagstaff: Yeah.

Frank: And that's the year we won our last football game. Now, I like education as well as the next fellow.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, move over and I'll talk to the next fellow.

Frank: But a college needs something else besides education. And what this college needs is a good football team and you can't have a good football team unless you have good football players.

Professor Wagstaff: My boy... I think you've got something there.

Frank: Anything further, Father?

Professor Wagstaff: Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?

Connie: [Talking on the phone to Professor Wagstaff] But Professor, I don't understand.

Professor Wagstaff: You don't, eh. Well, I want to see you. Come right over to my office. You can't? You're in bed? Well, in that case, I'll come over to your office.

Baravelli: Well, that's the last time we deliver ice unless you pay the bill.

Professor Wagstaff: How much do we owe you?

Baravelli: Two thousand dollars.

Professor Wagstaff: Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.

Baravelli: I tell you what we do. I make you a proposition. You owe us two hundred dollars. We take two thousand and call it square.

Professor Wagstaff: That's not a bad idea. I tell you, I'll consult my lawyer and if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer. Why don't you forget about the money? Go to college, meet all the beautiful girls, get yourself a co-ed.

Baravelli: Hah! I got a co-ed. Last week for eighteen dollars I got a co-ed with two pair of pants.

Professor Wagstaff: Since when has a co-ed got two pair of pants?

Baravelli: Since I joined the college.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, now that you're a college boy, here's your hat, here's your pennant, here's your coat. Alright, report for football practice in the morning. I want you to sign this agreement.

Baravelli: Hey, there's nothing on this paper.

Professor Wagstaff: That's alright. We'll fill in something later. Here, put your name on there, eh?

Professor Wagstaff: [Pokes his head into a classroom] Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?

Biology Professor: Oh, Mr. President, this is in deed a pleasure. What brings you here?

Professor Wagstaff: A bicycle, but I left it out in the hall. Have you got two empty dunce chairs? I brought you two empty dunces. Come in dunces.

[In walk Chico and Harpo, alias Bravelli and Pinky]

Professor Wagstaff: Here you are, ten cents a dunce.

Professor Wagstaff: Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

Baravelli: That's easy! First is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle!

Professor Wagstaff: Well, the human body takes many strange forms.

[Pointing at a human anatomy chart]

Professor Wagstaff: Now, here is a most unusual organ. The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture.

Professor Wagstaff: Listen, madame, you've gotta give my son up.

Connie: Give him up?

Professor Wagstaff: You can't take him from me. He's all I've got in the world except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Connie: But, Professor, I...

Professor Wagstaff: Whatever you say is a lie. He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny. Whoopee!

Connie: Oh!

Professor Wagstaff: I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?

Professor Wagstaff: Did my son tell you - you had beautiful eyes?

Connie: Why, yes.

Professor Wagstaff: He told me that too. He tells that to everyone he meets.

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up.

Professor Wagstaff: So! I caught you at last. Then you are fooling around with this woman. Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father!

Frank: Dad, I can...

Professor Wagstaff: Enough of this. You leave here immediately and I'll stay here and settle with this woman. And as soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner. On second thought, I'll go with you. Come, follow me.

Professor Wagstaff: Let's see. Where were we? Oh, yes, I was on your lap - and doing pretty well as I recall it.

[Knock at the door]

Connie: Quick! Hurry! Get out! Hurry! And remember, stay under cover.

Professor Wagstaff: You've got more students than the college.

Baravelli: Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?

Professor Wagstaff: Nothing, right now. But, I was doing alright until you came in.

Connie: Oh, so you know the Professor.

Baravelli: Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team.

Professor Wagstaff: Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch!

Jennings: I want to talk to Baravelli. Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would you?

Professor Wagstaff: Well, I'd love to step out, but, I'd have to see the girl first.

Jennings: Baravelli, I've got a proposition for you.

Professor Wagstaff: Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's almost as crooked as you are.

Professor Wagstaff: [singing] Everyone says I love you, But just what they say it for, I never knew. It's just inviting trouble for the poor sucker who says I love you...

Professor Wagstaff: [singing] Everything that ever grew, the goose and the gander and the gosling too, the duck upon the water when he feels that way too, says...

Duck: Quack. Quack. Quack!

Professor Wagstaff: That's a wise quack. You keep your bill out of this. How would you like it if I butted into your affairs and laid an egg?

Professor Wagstaff: Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girls basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand? Even if we have to use our star player, number 37. You remember her, don't ya? The quarterback gets the ball, goes around left end and make a lateral pass to the right guards.

Frank: Hey, Dad...

Professor Wagstaff: Wait a minute! Boys, if you can't beat that bunch of half witted goofs...

Frank: Hey, Dad...

Professor Wagstaff: What do you want?

Frank: Well, you're talking to the wrong team.

Professor Wagstaff: I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!

Preacher: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Connie: I do.

Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Professor Wagstaff, Baravelli, Pinky: We do!

Baravelli: [to Connie] Lady, I like you. You've got something, but I don't know what it is.

Professor Wagstaff: If he thinks I'm gonna tell him, he's crazy!