Priest on Train Quotes in How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989)

Businessman on Train: [reading a newspaper] I see the police have made another lightning raid. Paddington drug orgy.

Priest on Train: [Irish accent] I suppose young girls was involved?

Businessman on Train: One discovered naked in a kitchen. Breasts smeared with peanut butter. "The police took away a bag containing 15 grams of cannibis resin. It may also have contained a quantity of heroin."

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: Or a pork pie.

Businessman on Train: I beg your pardon?

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: I said the bag may also have contained a pork pie.

Businessman on Train: I hardly see how a pork pie's got anything to do with it.

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: All right then, what about a large turnip? It may also have contained a big turnip.

Priest on Train: The bag was full of drugs.

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: Nonsense.

Priest on Train: The bag was full of drugs, it says so!

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: The bag could have been full of anything. Pork pies, turnips, oven parts. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Priest on Train: What book?

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: The distortion of truth by association book. The word is "may". You all believe heroin was in the bag because cannibis resin was in the bag. The bag may have contained heroin, but the chances are 100 to 1 certain that it didn't.

Businessman on Train: A lot more likely than what you say.

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: About as likely as a tit spread with peanut butter.

Businessman on Train: Do you mind?

Priest on Train: The tit was spread with peanut butter!

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: Nonsense.

Priest on Train: It says so! Who's the man you are to think you know more about it than the press?

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: I'm an expert on tits. Tits and peanut butter. I'm also an expert drug pusher. I've been pushing drugs for 20 years. And I can tell you a pusher protects his pitch! We wanna sell them cigarettes and don't like competition, see? So we associate a relatively innocuous drug with one that is extremely dangerous, and the rags go along with it because they adore the dough from the ads!

Businessman on Train: I've had enough of this. I'm getting off at Datchet.

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: [getting even more animated] Getting off at Datchet won't help you! Getting off anywhere won't help you! I've had an octopus squatting on my brain for a fortnight, and I suddenly see that I am the only one that can help you! It would be pointless to go into the reasons why, but I've been worried sick about boils for a fortnight! Large boils, small boils, fast eruptors, they're incurable, all of them!

[the other 3 men leave the compartment and head to the door, Bagley follows them]

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: I know that and so does everybody else, until they get one! Then the rules suddenly change. With a boil on the nose, there's sudden overnight surge in fate, they wanna believe something will work!

[points to the priest]

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: He knows that, which is why he gets a good look-in with the dying.

[they step off the train and shut the door. Bagley sticks his head out of the window]

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: Sells them hope, see? But these boys would be full time into real estate if anyone came up with a genuine cure for death!

Priest on Train: Good God, this is a madman!

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: What do you know about God, you wire-haired mick?