President Quotes in Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)

Valentine: [showing a photo of Lancelot's corpse] Great, you don't know, the CIA don't know. Nobody knows who this guy is? Fine. Seriously, it's fine. Well, it's not really fine, but it's not why I'm here. Hell, man, you know me. Money's not my issue. I could've retired straight out of M.I.T., fucked off to some island and let the business run itself. Nobody told me to try and save the planet. I wanted to. Climate change research, lobbying, years of studying, billions of dollars, and you know why I quit? Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. Hence, my epiphany. Money won't solve this. Those idiots that call themselves politicians have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but re-election. So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. And I found it. Now, if you really wanna make the world a better place, I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I'm about to tell it to you.

President: Go on, Mr. Valentine. I'm still listening.

Valentine: As long as you agree to all my terms.

Dan: [the President asks about the size of the asteroid] lt's the size of Texas, Mr President.

President: Dan, we didn't see this thing coming?

Dan: Well, our object collison budget's a million dollars, that allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.

President: And the ones this morning?

Dan: Uh, those are nothing. Uh, they're the size of basketballs... and, uh, Volkswagens, things like that.

President: Is this going to hit us?

Dan: We're obtaining that as we speak, sir.

President: What kind of damage are we...

Dan: Damage? Total, sir. It's what we call a global killer. The end of mankind. Doesn't matter where it hits. Nothing would survive, not even bacteria.

President: My God. What do we do?

NASA Techs: [a NASA tech comes running into the room] We have 18 days before it hits Earth.

President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as the leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day "Armageddon" - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined modern technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrongs and the discord; through all of the pain and suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we all, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.

[last lines]

President: And what's your name, son?

Jack Ryan: Ryan, Mr. President. Jack Ryan.

[last lines]

President: Good evening. Although I shall not be present at this historic summit meeting, I present this in the hope that our great nations may learn to live in peace...

[He plays a cassette, believing it to be the correct one about nuclear fusion. His smile drops when it instead plays "Bandstand Boogie"]

President: God save me, and watch over you all.

President: [fires machine gun at the Duke] Ayy! Number Onnee! You're the Duke! You're the Duke!

[stops firing]

President: You're the... Duke.

[quietly]

President: You're... A-number one.

President: Oh... listen, I want to thank you back there for saving my life. If there's anything you want... anything at all...

Snake Plissken: Just a moment of your time.

President: Of course... Yes?

Snake Plissken: We did get you out. But a lot of people died in the process. I just wondered how you felt about it.

President: [cocky, distant tone] Well, I... I wanna thank them. This nation appreciates their sacrifice.

[pause]

President: Look, I'm on in... two minutes?

[shaking his head with disgust, Snake walks away]

The Duke: What did I teach you?

President: Y-You are the... Duke of New... New York. You're A-Number One.

The Duke: I can't hear you!

President: Y-You... You are the Duke of New York! You're A-Number One!

Zartan: You know, they say this is a thankless job. But yesterday, I hung out with Bono. My new secret service, they want to burn the constitution, literally. Do you know my favorite bit? I get to blow stuff up.

President: I bet that endears you to the people.

Zartan: Well, that's the thing. Your approval ratings climbed nine points. Apparently, America wants someone who looks like you but acts like me.

Zartan: Where's the prison that holds Cobra Commander and Destro?

President: Is this where I ask you what you have planned?

Zartan: Why does anyone want to be president? Everybody wants to rule the world.

President: All right, I've heard enough. Would you explain to this foot soldier why he's going to do what we tell him to do.

Snake Plissken: What's he talking about?

Malloy: The Plutoxin Seven virus.

Brazen: Genetically engineered. 100% pure death.

Malloy: It starts with a slight headache, then turns into a fever that gets worse. After a short time, you crash. You bleed out like a stuck pig. Not a pretty sight.

Snake Plissken: I get it. You figure that you inject that shit into me, and under the threat of death, I'll do whatever you say... just like in New York.

Malloy: You got it... Snake!

Snake Plissken: One question: which one of you assholes gets to die trying to stick me?

Malloy: You don't understand. It's already in you.

[Snake looks down at his hand, where it was scratched earlier]

Brazen: Catches on quick, doesn't he?

President: What's it going to be, Plissken? Them or us?

Snake Plissken: I shut down the third world, you win they lose. I shut down America, they win, you lose. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[first lines]

Female Narrator: In the late 20th century, hostile forces inside the United States grow strong. The city of Los Angeles is ravaged by crime and immorality. To protect and defend its citizens, the United States Police Force is formed. A presidential candidate predicts a millennium earthquake will destroy L.A. in divine retribution.

President: Like the mighty fist of God, Armageddon will descend upon the city of Los Angeles - the city of sin, the city of Gomorrah, the city of Sodom - and waters will rise and separate this sinful, sinful city from our country.

Female Narrator: The earthquake measuring 9.6 on the Richter scale hits at 12:59 P.M. August 23rd in the year 2000. After the devastation, the Constitution is amended, and the newly elected president accepts a lifetime term of office. The country's capitol is moved from Washington, D.C., to the president's hometown of Lynchburg, Virginia. Los Angeles Island is declared no longer part of the United States and becomes the deportation point for all people found undesirable or unfit to live in the new, moral America. The United States Police Force, like an army, is encamped among the shorelines, making any escape from L.A. impossible. From the southeastern hills of Orange County to the northwestern shore of Malibu, the great wall excludes L.A. from the mainland. The president's first act as permanent Commander in Chief is Directive 17: once an American loses his or her citizenship, they are deported to this island of the damned, and they never come back.

President: Man is too dumb to survive L.A.

Malloy: We're holograms, Plissken.

Snake Plissken: [bored tone of voice] Who are you?

President: I'm your President.

Snake Plissken: [unimpressed] Understand you got some domestic problems...

President: If you go to Los Angeles, and come back with that black box and put it in my hand, you'll be given a full pardon for every moral crime you've committed in the United States.

Snake Plissken: Sounds familiar.

Brazen: Mr. President, Commander Malloy, we are receiving reports from Miami. An armada of warships have just departed Cuba. ETA to Florida coast in 45 minutes.

Malloy: Starting the invasion.

President: Gotta go to my quarters. Got to pray!

[exits]

Malloy: [to Brazen] Go with him. Make sure he doesn't do anything crazy.

President: [final scene, talking to Plissken's hologram] What's it going to be, Plissken? Them or us?

Snake Plissken: I shut down the third world, you win they lose. I shut down America, they win, you lose. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

President: So what are you going to do?

Snake Plissken: Disappear.

Brazen: [Plissken types 6-6-6 into the satellite control] He's entered the world code. No target code. Sir, that will shut down the entire planet.

Snake Plissken: I told you you'd better hope I didn't make it back.

Malloy: You push that button, 500 years' worth of work will be finished. Our technology, our way of life, our entire history. We'll have to start all over again. For God's sakes, don't do it, Snake!

Snake Plissken: The name's Plissken.

Utopia: [Plissken activates the satellites, shutting down all power, which saves Utopia from being executed in the electric chair] He did it! He shut down the Earth!

Snake Plissken: [Lights a cigarette and blows out the match used to light it] Welcome to the human race.

President: [on T.V] This is your President. On behalf of my country and in the name of the other leaders of the world with whom I have today consulted, I hereby abdicate all authority and control over this planet to General Zod. Only by following all his directives will the lives of millions be spared...

[desperately]

President: Superman! Can you hear me? Superman! Where are you...

General Zod: Who is this Superman?

President: You'll find out and when you do-...

General Zod: Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod! Zod!

General Zod: [looking at the Presidential Seal on the floor of the Oval Office] I see you are practiced in worshiping things that fly. Good. Now, rise before Zod.

[the "President" stands up]

General Zod: Kneel before Zod.

[the "President" kneels]

General Zod: You are not the President. No one who leads so many could possibly kneel so quickly.

President: [appears from behind the other men] I'm the man they're protecting. I'm the President. I'll kneel before you, if it will save lives.

General Zod: It will, starting with your own.

Ursa: [walking towards a group of military men] What a backwards planet this must be, where the men wear the ribbons... and the jewelry!

[rips the ribbons off a general's uniform]

President: What I do now, I do for the sake of the people of Earth. But there is one man on this planet who will NEVER kneel before you.

General Zod: Who is this imbecile? Where is he?

President: I wish I knew.

[kneels]

President: Oh God.

General Zod: Zod!

President: [referring to Mount Rushmore] Thousands of hours to build, and they defaced it in seconds. Imagine what they'll do to the world if we resist!

President: Do they intend to violate our airspace using technology that only exists in theory?

Barbarella: [standing naked in front of the videophone, talking with the President] Just a minute, I'll slip something on.

President: Don't trouble yourself. This is an affair of state.

President: We don't know anything about Tau Ceti or its inhabitants.

Barbarella: You mean, they could still be living in a primitive state of neurotic irresponsibility?

President: Precisely.

President: That's my good girl. One day, Barbarella, we must meet, eh, in the flesh. Thank you. And, Love.

Barbarella: Love!

Barbarella: Weapon? Ha-ha. Why would anybody want to invent a weapon?

President: How should I know.

Barbarella: Ha-ha. I mean, the universe has been pacified for centuries, sir.

President: What we know of it.

President: Well, it may give them the power to shatter the loving union of the universe.

Barbarella: That could lead to - archaic insecurity and...

President: And war.

Barbarella: You mean, selfish competition and...

President: I mean, war. Bloody conflict between entire tribes.

Barbarella: I don't believe it.

President: Neither do I. But, we can't take the chance.

Barbarella: Something must be done.

President: Yes. And you are the girl who has to do it.

President: Your mission Barbarella: find Durand-Durand.

President: Ah, poop in a handbag!

President: Now to make sure we get the best government that money can buy, Congress has passed a new one hundred percent withholding of all wages and earnings. But at least twenty-three percent of that will be returned to you, the taxpaying citizen - minus of course state surcharges, subsidies, handling taxes, and dealer's prep.

President: [on hotline in limo] Now you realize, Mr. Smart, that once KAOS learns your mission, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be in imminent danger, constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.

Maxwell Smart: [on other line in Control Cab] And... loving it.

President: Any trace of Beckmeyer yet?

Prof. Sharp: No, sir. I think he fell in love with the Russian werewolf.

President: Was it female?

Prof. Sharp: Yes.

President: Well, thank Christ for that.

[last lines]

Secret Service Man: Excuse me, Mr. President. When you're ready to leave, your car's right over there.

President: In a moment.

Secret Service Man: Yes, sir.

President: Jack, would you please quit scratching the palms of your hands? It's just not manly.

President: For every atom bomb dropped on our country, we have taken three to the enemy's heartland and we have huge stocks of atomic weapons in reserve.

President: Slavic languages have such a rich vocabulary of invective.

President: The Monitors have a vision - no doubt about it - but, like most missionaries, they just don't understand why people for whom they do so much good don't appreciate it.

President: [to Chuck about his protest of the nuclear missiles] Now Chuck I can't deny you the right to protest, that's in the first amendment and God forbid that should change. But there's an old saying: "You can't run into a crowded theater and yell fire!"

[pause]

Chuck Murdock: But, sir, what if there is a fire?