Porthos Quotes in The Three Musketeers (2011)

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Porthos Quotes:

  • Richelieu: Well-played. I could use men like you.

    [Richelieu holds out his hand; Aramis takes it to kiss it, then stops]

    Aramis: Ehh... I already have a job.

    Athos: I'm a drunk.

    Porthos: I'm independently wealthy.

    D'Artagnan: Thanks, but no.

    Richelieu: The day will come when you'll wish you had said "yes".

    D'Artagnan: Maybe. But not today.

  • Porthos: You're reckless, arrogant, impetuous, probably be dead by sundown, but I like you, lad.

  • Porthos: Planchet, what are you?

    Planchet: Complete and utter waste of space, sir.

    Porthos: And?

    Planchet: As much use as a fart in a bottle, sir.

    Porthos: Right.

    Planchet: In short, sir, a total tit, sir, but I can't work bleeding miracles!

  • Aramis: Sometimes there are more important things in life than a good pair of tits.

    Porthos: Really? If you can name me one thing that is more sublime than the feel of a plump, pink nipple between my lips, I'll build you a new cathedral.

    Aramis: Forgiveness...

    Porthos: Forgiveness...?

    [Porthos farts]

    Porthos: There... i am i forgiven? Come on... am i forgiven?

    [play fight ensures between them]

  • [the Four Musketeers and Phillipe are trapped by riflemen at the other end of the hallway]

    Aramis: D'Artagnan... They're young Musketeers. They've been weaned on our legends. They revere us. It is an advantage.

    Porthos: Yes. Why don't we charge them?

    D'Artagnan: I trained these men. They will fight to the death. But if we must die - if WE must die - let it be like this.

    [He draws his sword and points it at the floor. Aramis, Porthos, and Athos, join their swords with his]

    Athos: One for all. All for one.

  • Porthos: [he puts the rope around his neck and prepares to jump] Farewell cruel world... farewell to useless Porthos.

    [jumps]

    Athos: [Aramis and Athos are watching the building from the outside] What was that?

    Aramis: It's all right; I sawed the beam.

    [the building promptly collapses, and Athos stares at Aramis in disbelief]

    Aramis: Well, I'm a genius, not an engineer!

  • Aramis: Perhaps you should take his offer. We're dead anyway.

    Porthos: He's right, D'Artagnan.

    Phillippe: Wait. Bargain me to Louis for all your lives. You've done your best. Please let me go.

    D'Artagnan: No, I cannot do it. Even if I could give up my king, I could never give up my son.

    [they all look at him, thunderstruck]

    Phillippe: Your son?

    D'Artagnan: I loved your mother. I love her still. You are my son. I never knew you existed. And I never felt pride as a father... until this moment.

  • Porthos: Aramis, is this the way to hell?

    Aramis: Hell may be our destination, but not this trip.

  • Porthos: [the Musketeers have just broken into the Bastille to free Philippe] It worked!

    Athos: Of course; it's a prison. There's no trouble getting in, the problems will come when we want to get out.

  • [Athos and Aramis hear Porthos scream]

    Athos: What happened?

    Porthos: Kidney stones. It hurts when I piss. It hurts when I shit. I'm just a fat old fart with nothing to live for anymore. I'm going to hang myself, as soon as I'm sober.

  • Porthos: [a naked Porthos has tried to hang himself but failed] Aramis! You sawed the beam! You knew I would I try to hang myself and you sawed the beam! Admit it. Admit it!

    Aramis: Of course I knew! And now that you've got the idea of killing yourself out of your head you can stop boring everyone and be useful for a change. And put some clothes on!

  • Porthos: I'd rather die covered in blood than an old man lying in my own piss.

  • Porthos: Stop praying and revel with me, Aramis! I need my spirits lifted. I'm old, I'm weak, my strength is gone.

    Aramis: Porthos! I'm praying.

    Porthos: I just said you're praying. Are you deaf, too? I know you're blind, because if you'd seen the tits that just walked out of here, you'd have tears in your eyes.

  • Aramis: The King has ordered me to seek out the secret general of the Jesuits and kill him.

    Porthos: You should let the secret general worry about that.

    Aramis: Therein is the problem. I am he. I am the general of the order of Jesuits.

  • Aramis: Why are you so glum?

    Porthos: I expected action. There was no fighting, there was no killing. I was useless.

    Aramis: Porthos, I grow tired of this attitude. You're surrounded by beauty, by intrigue, by danger. What more can a man want? The robins are singing, the pigeons are cooing. Can't you listen to their song?

    [he walks off in disgust; Porthos takes off his hat when something falls on it to reveal it's bird-dung]

  • [Porthos brings three wenches to Aramis' apartment, but they find him at prayer]

    Porthos: Sorry, my dears. You would have enjoyed it too. He's hung like a donkey.

    Wench: So are you.

    Porthos: Really? He's been asleep for so long, I've forgotten about him.

  • Aramis: Porthos... don't you understand? I'm trying to PRAY!

    Porthos: You're always praying!

  • Porthos: I love Paris, I love life, and I love you.

  • [the three musketeers and D'Artagnan are escaping from the Cardinal's men in his own coach]

    Porthos: Champagne?

    Athos: We're in the middle of a chase, Porthos.

    Porthos: You're right - something red.

  • [five Cardinal's guards ride up as Athos and D'Artagnan prepare to duel]

    Athos: Only a fool would try and arrest us twice in one day.

    Jussac: You're under arrest.

    AramisPorthos: A fool.

    Jussac: Are you coming peacefully or do you intend to resist?

    Porthos: Oh don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist! Just give us a moment, all right?

    [to his comrades:]

    Porthos: Five of them, three of us. Hardly seems fair.

    Aramis: Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender.

    D'Artagnan: Excuse me, but there's four of us.

    Athos: It's not your fight. You're not a Musketeer.

    D'Artagnan: I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a Musketeer.

    Porthos: Warrior!

    Aramis: Poet!

    Athos: You got a name, boy?

    D'Artagnan: D'Artagnan.

    Athos: Athos, Porthos, Aramis.

    Porthos: Pleased to meet you again.

    Aramis: Pleasure.

    Porthos: Everyone acquainted?

    [the four whirl around and unsheathe their swords]

    Porthos: NOW, we are prepared to resist you!

  • Porthos: A lively tune... I'm inspired to dance!

  • Porthos: Rochefort. Isn't that a smelly kind of cheese?

  • [last lines]

    D'Artagnan: So what do we do now? What's next?

    Porthos: Well, we protect the King.

    Aramis: Protect the Queen.

    Porthos: In the name of God. And France, correct?

    Aramis: France indeed.

    [Girard and his brothers have caught up with D'Artagnan. At the other end of the street they draw swords]

    Girard: D'Artagnan! My sister's honor will not wait a moment longer.

    D'Artagnan: I'll handle this.

    Porthos: D'Artganan, we also protect each other.

    D'Artagnan: All for one.

    PorthosAramisAthos: And one for all.

    [Girard's eyes widen]

    Girard: RUN!

    [Girard and co are pursued by all the musketeers]

  • [During a chase, in the Cardinal's own coach]

    Porthos: For a chase, the Cardinal recommends his excellent '24 Cabernet.

    Porthos: [to D'Artagnan] You can't have any, you're too young.

    Athos: Take the reins, boy.

  • Porthos: The picnic was delicious, the champagne was excellent, remind me to send the Cardinal a note.

    D'Artagnan: The Cardinal! We have to hurry!

    Porthos: You two have a date?

    D'Artagnan: No. It's the Cardinal. He's conspiring against the king.

    Aramis: Tell us something we don't know.

  • Aramis: Where have you been?

    Porthos: Taking care of something ugly!

  • Porthos: How's your head D'Artagnan?

    D'Artagnan: I'm beginning to wish the Cardinal *had* chopped it off. Will you stop whistling please?

    Porthos: I'm not whistling.

    D'Artagnan: Well somebody's whistling.

    Porthos: Barmaid's kiss left him dizzy.

    Aramis: I hear it too. Sounds like a...

    Athos: Cannon ball!

    Porthos: Oh I *hate* cannon balls.

  • Athos: Your manners have not improved yet. You're late.

    D'Artagnan: You in a hurry to die?

    Athos: [Porthos and Aramis arrive] Here come the grave diggers now.

    Porthos: Athos, you cannot fight this boy.

    Athos: Why not?

    Porthos: I'm fighting him.

    D'Artagnan: Not until 1 o'clock.

    Aramis: I have a duel with him too.

    D'Artagnan: Not until 2 o'clock.

  • D'Artagnan: [preparing to start a duel with Athos] I'll be with you gentlemen in a moment.

    Porthos: Oh, he's a fiesty little fellow.

    Aramis: Fiesty indeed.

  • Porthos: This sash was a gift to me, from the Queen of America.

    D'Artagnan: There's no queen of America!

    Porthos: I beg to differ, infant. We're on quite intimate terms, unless you can prove otherwise.

  • Porthos: Come D'Artagnan, we're saving the King!

  • Bad Guy: It's Porthos the Pirate! AAAAH!

    [the bad guys jump overboard]

    D'Artagnan: Pirate?

    Porthos: I told you I was famous.

  • Porthos: [disguised as an executioner at D'Artagnon's execution] This axe was given to me by the Czarina of Tokyo.

  • Porthos: [D'Artagnan is driving and takes a sharp turn causing Porthos to spill his drink] That's it. Next time you drive.

  • Porthos: [Porthos stabs a man he is fighting with a blade attached to a gun] I like this!

  • Porthos: You, boy, are arrogant, hot tempered and entirely too bold. I like that. Reminds me of me.

    Aramis: Don't encourage him. By helping us the boy has made himself an outlaw as well.

    Athos: Not if he leaves Paris right now.

    D'Artagnan: I can't leave now, I just got here.

    Porthos: Go home. Find a wench, raise fat babies, live a good long life.

    D'Artagnan: What about the motto of the Musketeers? All for one and one for all.

    Athos: Wake up boy. The Musketeers are just a dream.

  • Porthos: [reacting to D'Artagnan knocking into the waiter, causing food to spill on his sash] Excuse me! This sash was a gift to me from the queen of America.

    D'Artagnan: There's no queen of America.

    Porthos: I beg to differ, infant. We're on quite intimate terms unless you can prove otherwise.

    D'Artagnan: [drawing his sword] Here's my proof.

    Porthos: I see. He thinks he can challenge the mighty Porthos with a sword.

    D'Artagnan: The mighty who?

    Porthos: Don't tell me you've never heard of me.

    D'Artagnan: The world's biggest windbag?

    Porthos: Little pimple, meet me behind the Luxembourg at one o'clock and bring a long wooden box.

    D'Artagnan: Bring your own...

    [Porthos laughs]

  • Athos: [after Porthos arrives and helps him fight off the Cardinals Guards] Where have you been?

    Porthos: Taking care of something ugly.

  • D'Artagnan: It's about time.

    Porthos: [laughing] Come D'Artagnan we're saving the king

  • Porthos: Ah ha! The Cardinal's sacred snack chamber.

    Aramis: And what have we here? Is he a man of God or a man of gold?

  • Porthos: God, I love my work!

  • [after dropping a group of the Cardinal's guards with a chandelier]

    Porthos: Did I miss anyone?

    Aramis: Congratulations, Porthos. You brought down the house.

    Porthos: Oh, drat. I was trying to hit Rochefort.

  • Porthos: Whoa, ugly!

  • D'Artagnan: As morning hues of sunswept...

    Aramis: Fire!

    D'Artagnan: ...fire caress your... poisoned face.

    [Aramis looks pained. D'Artagnan gives up, and sweeps the bar maid into a kiss]

    Porthos: I declare, the boy's a natural!

  • D'Artagnan: Shakespeare?

    Aramis: Aramis.

    Porthos: Cheating.

  • Porthos: [a really drunk Porthos sees Athos] Ooh. May I have this dance?

  • Porthos: [fighting a very large man] Smelly... lump... OF LARD!

  • D'Artagnan: The Cardinal! We have to hurry!

    Porthos: You two have a date?

    D'Artagnan: No, it's the Cardinal! He's conspiring against the King!

    Aramis: Tell us something we don't know.

    D'Artagnan: He sent a messenger with a secret treaty to a man named Buckingham.

    Porthos: The Duke of Buckingham?

    D'Artagnan: Do you know him?

    Aramis: He rules England the way the Cardinal rules France.

    D'Artagnan: There's a ship called the Persephone. It's waiting in Calais to take the messenger to England. It sails Tuesday, midnight.

    Porthos: If we get that treaty, we can prove the Cardinal guilty of treason.

    Aramis: Calais is over 200 leagues from here.

    Athos: Is the Cardinal aware of the fact that you have this information?

    D'Artagnan: Yes.

  • Aramis: The treaty outlines the Cardinal's plans to forge an alliance with Buckingham.

    Porthos: No mention of the King?

    Aramis: None. However, the arrangement is contingent upon a demonstration of the Cardinal's power.

    D'Artagnan: Demonstration? What kind of demonstration?

    Aramis: I don't know.

    Athos: I know someone who does.

  • Porthos: [to Athos, who is about to duel D'Artagnan] Are you fighting this, er, fellow? But I'm meeting him meself.

    D'Artagnan: But not till one o'clock, sir.

    Aramis: Oh, no no no. I'm to fight him this afternoon.

    D'Artagnan: At two o'clock, sir.

    Athos: How long have you been in Paris?

    D'Artagnan: Since eight o'clock this morning.

    Athos: You waste little time, sir.

    D'Artagnan: My father recommended that I fight duels.

    Athos: [laughs] Well! Let us hope you can do him some credit, hm?

  • Duke of Buckingham: [the Musketeers have unwittingly rescued the Duke of Buckingham from Richilieu's men] I could have managed on my own, but my thanks to you gentlemen anyway.

    [quickly exits]

    Porthos: [looks after him, then to Athos] Who was that?

    Athos: I don't know, but he sounded a touch foreign to me. Didn't he?

  • Aramis: Discretion is the better part of vanity.

    Porthos: I don't understand. I know the one about valor, though I don't agree. I can't be discreet about how valiant I am, shouldn't be asked.

  • Jussac: We have a duty to suppress disorder and arrest brawlers. Put up your swords and come along with us.

    Athos: Impossible.

    Porthos: Unthinkable.

    Aramis: Unlikely.

  • Porthos: May one ask - delicately - the cause in which we're expected to die?

    Aramis: When you go on a campaign, does the King give his reasons? He says, "Porthos, fight!" and you fight.

    Porthos: Oh, I do, I do!

    Aramis: Then let's go and be killed where we're told to! Is life worth so many questions?

  • Aramis: Young Louis was given a baby crocodile from Egypt. The queen dropped it in a sewer, and it's been living off whatever it can find ever since.

    Porthos: Is that true, Bonacieux?

    Bonacieux: Something kept dragging the poor workers away. All we ever found were bones.

    Porthos: I'm very glad you and D'Artagnan lead this little group.

    D'Artagnan: Me too. Crocodiles attack from behind.

  • Porthos: This wine is rejuvenating.

    D'Artagnan: Don't get too rejuvenated.

  • D'Artagnan: Porthos, when did a wound ever come between you and a fight?

    Porthos: [lying on his stomach] Well, unfortunately the position of this one comes between me and my horse.

  • Porthos: [a bullet shatters his wine glass] This wine does not travel well.

  • Porthos: You know, it strikes me that we would be better employed wringing Milady's pretty neck than shooting these poor devils of Protestants. I mean, what are we killing them for? Because they sing psalms in French and we sing them in Latin?

    Aramis: Porthos, have you no education? What do you think religious wars are all about?

  • Athos: [the Musketeers have captured MiLady] As the Comte de la Fere; with the rights of high, middle and low justice, I accuse this woman of the murder of Constance de Bonacieux. How say you?

    Aramis: Death.

    Porthos: Death.

    D'Artagnan: [Hesitating] Death.

    Athos: Death.

    MiLady DeWinter: No! You have no power of justice over me! D'Artagnan! If you love me; do not let them do this!

    Athos: Make one move to save her, D'Artagnan and we will cross swords; and this time, I swear I will kill you.

  • Aramis: [to D'Artagnan] Let us rescue your mistress. It's the very least one can do for a friend.

    D'Artagnan: If she can stay with the Sisters

    [in a convent]

    D'Artagnan: while we're at La Rochelle...

    Porthos: I'm sure they'll learn a great deal from each other.

  • Rochefort: [the Musketeers has just rescued him from a firing squad] Not before time, musketeers!

    Porthos: Who hurries to rescue a spy? And a Cardinal's spy?

  • Porthos: [to Constance after the three musketeers have dropped her off at the convent] Don't let them get you into any dirty habits!

  • Swiss Officer: Warm work, gentlemen. And where were the Musketeers?

    Aramis: At our prayers, sir, like good Christians!

    Swiss Officer: Ha! By God, sir, so was I! And with good reason. That bastion was buzzing like a beehive.

    Athos: And yet you did not stay for breakfast, sir.

    Swiss Officer: Neither would you.

    Athos: Hmm. Will you bet on that? I'll wager you, better more I will wager you the finest dinner on this camp that my friends and I will have breakfast on that bastion, now.

    Swiss Officer: [laughs] Done. Done! Do you hear that, Spengler? You and I will eat that big dinner alone, I think!

    D'Artagnan: What is it? What's new?

    Porthos: Ah. Our good friends Athos proposes to have us killed for breakfast. Up yonder.

    D'Artagnan: What?

    Athos: Planchet, get me a basket, some bread, and four cold chickens. Ham, some oysters, and eight bottles of wine, now.

    Planchet: Oh fine.

    Porthos: And make the wine champagne.

    Aramis: At breakfast? Oh my dear Porthos.

  • Porthos: [Seeing nine soldiers matched against him and his three musketeer friends] Is the King being frugal? Only nine men?

    First Officer: And ninety more outside!

    Porthos: [With bravado] Flatterer!

  • Porthos: Come on! There is greater adventure beyond.

  • Old Porthos: Ah, it is useless. I had hoped to ride with you, but I cannot. Devil take this gout! And yet, young D'Artagnan and Aramis ride in their fathers' steeds.

    Porthos: Then I shall ride for you!

    Old Porthos: Then one for all!

    D'ArtagnanAramisPorthos: One for all!

    Old Porthos: And all for one!

    D'ArtagnanAramisPorthos: All for one!

    Old Porthos: Ride hard and fast, my lads!

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