Ponton Quotes in The Pink Panther (2006)

Ponton: He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?

Ponton: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?

Ponton: Um, completely.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now!

Ponton: You never cease to surprise me, sir.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [about Bizu - dead] It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the chalk outline on the floor.

Ponton: I think they drew the outline after he was shot.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! We must be working with some kind of mastermind!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Without warning, I will attack you. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert.

[attacks Ponton, but Ponton hits Clouseau]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.

Ponton: Thank you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.

Ponton: I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.

[pauses]

Ponton: What about yourself?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What? What did you say?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good-cop/bad-cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

Ponton: Have you ever had a hamburger?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course not. It's a disgusting American food.

[starts eating the hamburger he was holding and enjoys it]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?

Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?

Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: Farmers.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.

Ponton: [after Xania has invited Clouseau to dinner] It could be a trap.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who cares?

Ponton: [chasing masked assassin]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's Clouseau. Arrest him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [running after Ponton]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...Which one is he?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [falls off banister]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: That would be him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The day before the murder, you were seen hitting the victim and saying... what?

Ponton: 'I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you'

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.

Ponton: What's the plan?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm going to give him the "good-cop / bad-cop" routine.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are the soccer player known as Bizu?

Bizu: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?

Bizu: I am glad he is pushing up daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up daisies, he is dead!

Bizu: It's an idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You sir, are the idiom!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question: Did you kill him?

Bizu: I would have loved to have killed him, but some lucky bastard beat me to it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!

[leaves room]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [re-enters room] Cigarette?

Bizu: No. Thanks.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good for you. Bizu, I knew you didn't do it; someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.

Bizu: You'll help me?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who else might have done this terrible thing?

Bizu: His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.

Bizu: Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.

[leaves room and shuts door]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

[repeated lines]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after Ponton blocks one of Clouseau's surprise attacks with a counter-attack of his own] Good one.

Ponton: Thank you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Clouseau.

Ticket Checker: I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not on the list?

Ponton: Dreyfus must have made sure you cannot get in.

[Nicole makes a bird call, motioning for Clouseau and Ponton to meet her]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton...

[Clouseau hums as he and Ponton stroll away from the main gate to meet Nicole]

Nicole: Inspector, here is your bag.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good work, Nicole.

Ponton: What is that?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Camouflage, let's go!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nicole?

Nicole: Yes?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: One last thing...

Nicole: Yes?

[Clouseau removes Nicole's glasses]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It's evening, and you look beautiful without your glasses.

Nicole: Thank you, Inspector.

[Nicole squints, and bumps into a tree]

Nicole: Oh, ow!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau's leg accidentally touches the bed's wheel lock, and it starts to roll away] Ponton...

Ponton: Yes, Inspector?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus. It is important that we show compassion; and we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [groans as his bed rolls into the hospital corridor and down a staircase] Uh-oh.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the Pink Panther theme starts playing; Doctors, nurses, and medical staff start panicking and shrieking as Dreyfus's bed continues to roll away] This is going to hurt.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [Dreyfus and his bed fly through a window and into the River Seine] Clouseauu!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Oh, that breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau and Ponton arrive, wearing wallpaper pattern disguises] Good work, Ponton, we're in! Look, it's the killer! After him!

Palace Guard: [Clouseau and Ponton take off their masks; the palace guard arrives] Stop! Turn around. Who are you? What are you doing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are - we are, we are two, we are - I'll tell you exactly who we are.

Ponton: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are -

[Nicole arrives]

Nicole: I have been looking for you two everywhere. Where the hell have you been?

Palace Guard: You know these two?

Nicole: [slightly annoyed] Of course I know them: they are Xania's back-up dancers. They go on in the third act with the Komodo dragon and the snow machine. Why do you think they are dressed like that, for fun?

Palace Guard: Prove it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have to prove -

[the palace guard cocks his gun; Clouseau starts to dance and Ponton joins in the dance number while Xania continues singing]

Nicole: [Clouseau and Ponton pant for breath after they've finished dancing] Can't you see these dancers are exhausted? Go and fetch them some water!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the palace guard leaves] That was fantastic!

Nicole: [giggles] You think so?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are... an amazing woman.

Ponton: [Clouseau approaches Nicole to kiss her, only to be interrupted by Ponton] Inspector, the killer!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau returns and kisses Nicole] Now I am ready to catch a killer!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant... Yuri, the trainer who trains!

[Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp]

Palais Reporter: And who are you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau unmasks himself] I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau!

Yuri: Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead, okay, fine. Now he is dead... from Chinese poison.

[the crowd gasps in shock]

Ponton: Inspector, what made you think it was him?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Ponton, think back: You were there.

[Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation]

Yu: [in subtitled Chinese] Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy! The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223: every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder] This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.

Palais Reporter: And Bizu?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simple: Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant, so Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.

Bizu: [Flashback to Bizu's murder] Oh, it's you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Well, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: All members must be expert marksmen,

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Expert marksmen.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: And understand the location of the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: The occipital lobe, of course. Yes, very true.

Palais Reporter: What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I...

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau, for... carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.

Yuri: What do I care about your stinking diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He does not have the diamond.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [skeptically] The murderer does not have the diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mockingly] Well, then where is it, Inspector Clouseau?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It is there! In her purse!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Let me see.

[Dreyfus searches Xania's purse but finds nothing]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Uh-huh, sorry Clouseau, no diamond!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors] The purse, please.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining] Could you hold that, please?

Xania: [Clouseau hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse] After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me; then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought: if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914-B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.

[the crowd says "Aww..."]

Ponton: But Inspector, how did you know she had it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It was simple, Ponton: I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo, and in it, the Pink Panther. The case is closed!

[the crowd cheers and applauds]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Chief Inspector, I can't thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder. Without your decision to put me on the case, who knows? Someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Yes, I know.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I owe it all to you, Chief Inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Perhaps you still are.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! Excellent verbal joust, Inspector!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [the corner of Dreyfus's coat gets caught in the car door as Clouseau closes it] You idiot!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Oh, no...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hit it, Ponton!

[Ponton drives away with Dreyfus being dragged on the road]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: No! Clouseau!

[the rest of Dreyfus's conversation goes unheard]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't say "Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?

Ponton: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And she does not think she is pretty... And I can never tell her that she is pretty, otherwise...

Ponton: Otherwise, what?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: If she knew how pretty she is, she might choose someone other than me.

Pepperidge: Gentlemen, we first have to determine how the crime was committed. And as I am an expert at deduction...

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are an expert at deduction?

Pepperidge: That is my field.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I believe deduction is my field, and since you are experiencing hip pain...

Pepperidge: How did you know that?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: One side of the sole of your shoe is more worn than the other; you're favoring your right leg.

Pepperidge: Tell me, did you enjoy your double espresso this morning?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: How did you...

Pepperidge: Your pupils are noticeably dilated.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And will you be moving out of the Hotel Montmartre? They are doing construction at night around the Montmartre so as not to disturb daytime traffic. From your puffy eyes, I deduce you spent a sleepless night.

Pepperidge: Speaking of traffic, are you enjoying your Smart car? Your trousers are wrinkled behind the knees.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And how do you think your favorite football team, Arsenal, will do this year? That matchbox is from the only bar in Paris that shows English football telecasts.

Pepperidge: You have tissues in your shoes to make you look taller.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You were finally 14 before you finally learned to enjoy avocado.

Pepperidge: Tell me, how did you enjoy your trip to the airport this morning?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now, how did you know that?

[the airport stamp on Clouseau's hand is visible to everyone]

Ponton: Perhaps one of you should begin.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, this is silly.

Pepperidge: You've recently lost your favorite cheese grater.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You have an aversion to cow bells!

Vicenzo: Stop the insanity and look at this:

[Vincenzo picks up a piece of broken glass]

Vicenzo: Il Tornado is not as careful as he thinks.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are under arrest!

Sonia: Let me go, or I will destroy it.

[Sonia takes what she believes to be the Pink Panther from her purse, and draws a gun]

Dreyfus: Let her go.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let her do it.

Dreyfus: [shocked] Are you insane?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Sonia tosses what appears to be the Pink Panther into the air, shooting it into millions of fragments; she attempts to run into a hallway, only for Ponton to hit her face with a metal serving tray] Good work, Ponton.

Ponton: Thank you.

Dreyfus: You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being! You have just destroyed the sacred symbol of France!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? Boys...

[Louis and Antoine bring a small jewelry case]

Louis: Here it is, Uncle Jacques.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, yes.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I knew the Tornado would eventually come after the Pink Panther, so I went to the museé with a simple plan in mind. I had convinced my old friend, Robert the night guard, to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary to save the most beautiful object in France. I then switched the Pink Panther with the replica I had at home.

[Clouseau takes the real Pink Panther from the case]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This is the real Pink Panther. It was the fake that was stolen.

Dreyfus: [to himself] Nightmare, nightmare.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And when the Tornado, an expert on the quality of gems, wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty, I knew he could never have been the thief; he would have recognized it as a fake.

Vicenzo: How did you figure out it was Sonia?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It was because I spent the last 17 months on parking duty.

Dreyfus: What?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Today I was staring at Miss Solandres' license plate. I recognized it because of my... unique system of cross-referencing. I became aware that I had given a parking ticket to the same car, two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris... one day before the Pink Panther was stolen.

[the guests applaud Clouseau, who has just thwarted Sonia Solandres]

Dreyfus: You followed my instructions very well, Clouseau. It was I, of course, who put Clouseau onto the parking ticket assignment. Isn't that so, Inspector?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No.

[Clouseau winks at Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who instructed him to deny any knowledge of the assignment]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And at Avellaneda's mansion, when I sensed the presence of the Tornado, he was there, all right. But it was not a he, it was a she!

[the guests and the Dream Team applaud Clouseau's success]