Police Chief Quotes in Osmosis Jones (2001)

Police Chief: Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.

Osmosis: I don't know. You'll have to talk to my new parter... if he feels like hanging around for a while.

Drix: But my work visa has expired.

Osmosis: Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.

Police Chief: And besides, I told you over and over again to be careful.

Zeus: Be careful? Be careful of what? What do you want me to do, huh? Lift my hands and tell them, "Shoot!" When someone is pointing a gun at me and, in so many words, tells me they're going to kill me, I have a right to protect myself. And I have a right to protect myself because these people need me. And they need me because I care about them and when I go out on a mission, I do the right job! For Christ sake boss, I've faced death a thousand and one times for this badge because I stood for something. I've been stabbed, shot, beaten up and kicked in the ass. I've chased spies and dirty scum from one end of the world to the other. I was even buried alive for two whole days and now you want it back. Well, go on... take it! Take it! I'm finished with it. That's it!

Police Chief: I need you.

Zeus: How can I come back now? You broke my heart. I have nothing to offer.

Police Chief: I know.

Karras: It's supposed to be a police department but it feels like an insane asylum around here. He was practically killed on the streets like a dirty alley cat and now the police commissioner wants to put him on trial. It doesn't make sense. No sense at all. I thought the department was supposed to stand up and fight for him.

Police Chief: I fought Karras. I fought!

Karras: Well not enough damn it!

Police Chief: You seem to forget there are two dead cops out there.

Karras: Cops my ass! I'll go through the entire department and if I find another cop like that, I'll kill the S.O.B. Those two cops were traitors and they got what they deserve. And believe that! The C.I.A. made a mistake letting Zeus go. He's one of the best. The very best! You do know that.

Police Chief: Yes, I do!

Karras: Well, if this country doesn't want him, I'm sure another country does. Why don't we just sell him or put him in a circus or something? You could have done anything... anything but taken his badge away. We've killed his pride damn it!

Police Chief: Listen Karras. Not you or me has the right to say that. It is the politicians who have the final say. The politicians!

Karras: Oh, fuck the politicians!

Clerk at Flamingo Hotel: Can I call you a cab?

Police Chief: [screaming] Sure, and I'll call you a cocksucker!

Police Chief: [while on the lookout for Tracy] I doubt she'll risk jail to win some beauty pageant.

Velma Von Tussle: [to herself] I risked communicable diseases. She'll certainly risk jail.

police chief: Madam, it would take all of the police and military and even the Boy Scouts to investigate these incidents. Certainly madam does not want boys in short pants breaking in on situations like this!

Police Chief: [noticing Tony is depressed] Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.

Tony Giardino: Well, Captain, it's about my job.

Police Chief: Ah.

[sits down with Tony]

Tony Giardino: I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.

Police Chief: [contemplates] It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.

Tony Giardino: Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?

Police Chief: Yes, I know that part.

Tony Giardino: I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.

Police Chief: Now *that* sounds like a lot of fun.

Tony Giardino: And that's the other thing. You're too nice.

Police Chief: I'm too nice?

Tony Giardino: Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?

Police Chief: Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.

Tony Giardino: A quorum?

Police Chief: Yeah.

Tony Giardino: Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.

Police Chief: Hey. Somebody needs a hug!

Tony Giardino: What's the news?

Police Chief: Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.

Tony Giardino: I knew she would! I knew it!

Police Chief: Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase!

Police Chief: Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!

Police Chief: Drop the gun!

Marcus: Huh?

Police Chief: And you, Santa, drop the elephant!

Marcus: How did you get here?

Police Chief: Tipped off.

Willie: Oh, shit, that fucking kid!

Police Chief: All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable.

Police Chief: This man apparantly wants to press charges against you. He said and I quote "you assaulted him and pushed him to the ground".

Victor Joseph: That's bullshit.

Police Chief: Mr Joseph there's no need for that type of language. Mr Johnson's wife Holly says he's, and I quote, "a complete asshole". So you two are free to go.

Police Chief: They won't get away with this! We're going to rid this city of musical scum!

Stuart Farquhar: [while being detained in the Spanish jail] I feel that I should point out that we are all British subjects.

Police Chief: I know, and you have my deepest sympathy.

Stuart Farquhar: Yes, quite. Well, I don't want to make an international incident out of this...

Police Chief: That is most kind of you, sir.

Stuart Farquhar: ...but I must protest most strongly about being detained in this way.

Police Chief: Naturally, sir.

Police Chief: Good morning!

Aldo Vanucci: Ooh! A good, strong "Good Morning"! OOOH!

[Passionately throws papers in the air]

Aldo Vanucci: OOOH! Sorry, we Artists must give vent to our emotions. And I have just vented... Good morning.

[Leaves]

Police Chief: [to mirror, trying it on] Good morning!

Police Chief: Charlie, you've a very suspicious mind.

Charlie Chan: Suspicion often father of truth.

Police Chief: Why did you shoot those puppies, John?

Police Chief: You know if the boy ever talked to a psychiatrist?

Plato: You mean a head-shrinker?

Crawford Family Maid: Oh, Mrs. Crawford don't believe in them, sir.

Police Chief: Well, maybe she better start.

Police Chief: Why is your grandather in jail?

Blessing: Probably for something he did.

Police Chief: These attacks were carried out by a bunch of illegal immigrants who were mistakenly pronounced dead before the attacks took place. The only time they were dead was when my guys shot 'em.

Police chief: [on the phone] A police car is outside your house and an officer has reported that there's no sign of a prowler anywhere on the grounds.

Cornelia van Gorder: Well the man's inside now, he's in the hall just outside my bedroom! Have your men break through the kitchen door and search this place from top to bottom!

Police chief: Allright Miss Van Gorder, sit tightly.

Cornelia van Gorder: I will, I have a gun, and I know how to use it!

Police Chief: The kid drowned in the river. Suicide. End of story.