Piper Quotes in Drive Angry (2011)

Piper: Gimme one good reason I shouldn't shoot you in the face.

Milton: I'm driving.

Piper: You know what I mean!

Jonah King: I've changed my mind about you, Piper. You are too willful to be taught. I am going to kill you, and then I'm going to defile your corpse.

Piper: Between now and then, I'm gonna fuck you up.

Milton: I'm Milton. You're Piper, right?

Piper: Well, Milton, if you try and kill me and dump me in the woods, I'm gonna cut your nuts off.

Milton: Yes, ma'am.

Piper: You gonna tap that or what?

Milton: Tap?

Piper: Geez, Milton, how long has it been?

Milton: I've had a lot on my mind.

Piper: Uh-huh. Right. Suit yourself then. But no one reaches the end and says, "I wish I hadn't fucked so much."

Piper: Just so you know, I don't pick up hitchikers.

Milton: I didn't have my thumb out.

Piper: What kind of fucking gun is that?

Milton: The kind you use on guys like that.

Piper: [looking back] But why aren't they following us?

Milton: Because your a straight-up certifiable cop-killing murderer and they're scared of you.

Piper: [smiles] So what now?

Milton: Now we drive.

[discussing how to split the money]

Piper: I want half.

Dodge: Half. Fuck you, this isn't divorce.

Det. Matthew 'Gib' Gibson: Dodge!

Dodge: Gibson!

Det. Matthew 'Gib' Gibson: It's a setup!

Piper: Move!

Piper: That's nice, Robin Hood, but we gotta fled!

Dodge: We gotta get into a rhythm.

Piper: What the fuck you know about rhythm?

Dodge: I'm a foster child, raised by the state.

Piper: What's your point?

Dodge: There was this caretaker who was like a father to me. His name was Titus. He taught me that everybody lives their life according to a rhythm. You make love to a rhythm. Your heart beats to a rhythm. If we're gonna run together, we gotta get into the same rhythm.

Piper: I got your rhythm, convict.

[Pulls out and plays harmonica]

Piper: Come on, Dodge! We gotta fled.

Rodney Copperbottom: Hey Fender.

[Rodney does arm farts]

Fender: Yeah Baby, let 'er rip!

[Rodney and Fender are doing arm farts]

Crank: What are you guys, 3 years old? This is how a man does it.

[Crank does arm farts]

Piper: You guys are SO gross! Besides, this is how you do it.

[Piper does arm farts]

Aunt Fanny: Hey kids, get a load of this...

[does BIG farts; Everyone is grossed out]

Piper: Aunt Fanny, we were using our arms!

Crank: Ugh, light a match!

Lamppost: Lady... please... see a doctor...

Lamppost: [the lamppost passes out]

Piper: [about Aunt Fanny] She's a little artsy-fartsy. The artsy's okay, but once she gets fartsy...

Piper: Fender, get out of my room!

Fender: I'm not in your room. I am now. Now, I'm not. Am. Not. Am. Not...

Piper: [sternly] Get out of my room!

Piper: Did I miss the butt wuppin'?

Piper, Crank, Fender, Rodney Copperbottom, Lug, Cappy: [surrounded by menacing machines, everyone freeze, staring and then move again] No.

Crank: Actually, you're a little early.

Piper: I have a sister!

[Fender looks round after being at the chop shop]

Piper: [gasps] An ugly sister!

Fender: We've told you a hundred times...

[Talks with his hand]

Fender: Don't talk to strange men. Thank you, Manuel.

Piper: I talk to you. Who's stranger than that?

Piper: Am I too late for the butt-whooping?

Crank: Actually your a bit early.

Piper: Great!

Piper: By the way, the name's Piper. Rhymes with viper. Hiss!

Rodney Copperbottom: So, what are you guys doing today?

Fender: We're doing it.

Piper: What about you?

Rodney Copperbottom: Mr. Bigweld is missing and you're all just going to sit around and do nothing?

Fender: I think that's already been established.

Piper: Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?

Evelyn Tremble: No, I'm Peter O'Toole!

Piper: Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.

Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.

Zo: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.

Piper: Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?

Zo: Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly: Right on!

Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.

Priestly: Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.

Zo: [smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.

Priestly: [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?

Piper: Piper.

Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?

Piper: I work here.

Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!

Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.

Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!

Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.

Priestly: [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?

Jen: Alright, so we have chocolate, sleeping bags, food, personal items, chocolate, money, chocolate, and beer.

Piper: Do you think you have enough chocolate?

Jen: I'll add it.

Piper: You know, I didn't want to give up my baby. I was forced to. What would you do if Julia was taken away from you? Wouldn't you think about it every day for the rest of your life?

Noah: Yeah, of course.

Piper: Then why is it any different for me? I mean, why is my love for my child just a whim while yours is real? Of course, you have your child so you can afford to be judgmental. All I have is the ghost of two Julias. I loved them both, and I lost them both.

Noah: Ok, so here's the deal; Julia and I took a vote and there's a definite opening in the family. Job is yours if you want it.

Piper: Really?

Noah: Yeah. Only one ground rule; nothing but honesty from now on.

Piper: I swear.

[Noah smiles. They start walking]

Piper: Noah?

Noah: Yeah?

Piper: That shirt's a really nasty color.

Noah: Okay, not *that* honest!

Piper: Hey, I'm just trying to get started somewhere!

Piper: [Comes in and starts doodling on the menu board unannounced. To Trucker] I'm not normal.

Piper: Clearly.

Trucker: I need a job.

Piper: [after a short stare-down] It's yours.

Noah: That doesn't look like math to me.

Julia: Done.

Noah: Spelling?

Julia: Done.

Noah: Well, I have to check it.

Piper: Done.

Noah: Poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley. And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes, until I get there.

Piper: You are a terrible father.

Noah: I gotta give her something to tell the therapist in 10 years.

Julia: Bradley picks his nose in class, and makes these fart noises in his arm pits.

Noah: Testosterone poisoning, actually. He can't help it.

Piper: [about Priestly] He works here?

Jen: Well, he's *employed* here.

Piper: [about her online lover] What happens when *it* wants to meet?

Jen: Well, we've been emailing for almost a year, it hasn't come up.

Piper: A year? Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?

Jen: Everything else. We talk about music and books, the war in Iraq. His dog, my cat.

Piper: [Showing Julia how to draw rocks] Don't be afraid to be bold.

Julia: [erasing] That sucky thing's not right.

Piper: That "sucky" thing?

Julia: That's what my dad calls it.

Noah: [looking in] What your dad calls what?

Julia: This.

Noah: What, the sucky thing?

Piper: Otherwise known as a turkey baster.

Noah: Well, yeah, if you want to use it's nickname. But everybody knows the real name is of course

Julia, Noah: [in unison] ... the sucky thing.

Trucker: ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?

Piper: Dead.

Tish: Andy Kaufman?

Piper: Dead.

Trucker: Jerry Garcia?

Piper: Grateful, and dead.

Tish: Mariah Carey?

Piper: Are we talking about her acting career?

Tish: [Chuckles] No.

Piper: Okay, then alive.

Lucille: Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?

Piper: I have family here.

Mr. Julius: Are you a virgin?

[Everyone groans]

Trucker: Mr. Julius!

Mr. Julius: Sorry, sorry.

Piper: No... But I used to be.

Tish: You're not a witch, by any chance?

Piper: Is that a job requirement?

Tish: Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.

Jen: Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.

Trucker: Okay, everybody! Time to vote!

[Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]

Tish: I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...

Stud: But what? Come on, Tish!

Tish: Well, it's just...

Priestly: Here it comes.

Tish: [Whispers] I don't really like sex.

Stud: What? How can you not like...

Tish: I've never had a... you know...

Stud: Whoa! Never?

[Tish shakes her head]

Stud: Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.

[Points to himself and mouths "Me"]

Tish: [laughs] Okay.

Piper: My God, does that really work?

Jen: Every time.

Priestly: Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.

Priestly: [Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!

Jen: All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?

Tish: A for effort. C for execution.

Jen: Natural gift?

Tish: Didn't even register.

Piper: That bad, huh?

Tish: That bad, and... He knows it.

Piper: Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?

[Priestly nods]

Tish: Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?

[Priestly cocks an eyebrow]

Piper: [about her drawing of Julia] You want it?

Noah: No, not really.

[Starts to walk away. Piper looks offended, but he comes back]

Noah: I'm kidding! I'm kidding, I'd love it, if you don't mind parting with it, of course.

Priestly: [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!

Jen: [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!

Priestly: Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.

Tish: Why do you think he's a cop?

Priestly: Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?

Tish: I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.

Priestly: Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.

Tish: Ugh!

Piper: Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.

Lucille: Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!

Jen: I'm not moving anywhere.

Tish: I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.

Piper: Could just be his age, you know.

Tish: Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.

Priestly: Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.

Jen: I like that one!

Tish: [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.

Jen: Really?

Piper: Me, too.

Jen: You guys are the best!

Priestly: Yep, count me in!

Tish, Piper, Jen: Forget it.

Trucker: Can we get to work now?

Priestly: I'll, I'll drive.

Piper: No.

Priestly: I'll buy the beer.

[Jen laughs at him]

Priestly: I never get to do anything fun.

Tish: No way.

Jen: What?

Tish: You're still the scarlet V.

Jen: [Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?

Piper: No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

Tish: Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer.

[Jen makes a face]

Tish: Never?

Jen: You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!

Piper: You've never plucked your own banjo?

Jen: Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?

Piper: Yesterday morning.

Tish: Two days ago.

Lucille: Last night.

[the girls look at her]

Lucille: Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!

Jen: Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.

Tish: Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers.

[Piper laughs]

Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.

Priestly: Right on!

Piper: And what if he is a woman?

Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?

Tish: What is he's 14?

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh

[Holds a glass to his eye]

Priestly: videotape?

Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.

Trucker: Convicted felon?

Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?

Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.

Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?

Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.

Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.

[Priestly smiles]

Jen: [Tish and Piper are waiting in the hall while she masterbates for the first time] Nothing's happening!

Tish: Keep going!

Jen: I don't know, you guys. Maybe mine's a dud.

Tish, Piper: Keep going!

Jen: Ow!

Tish: What?

Jen: It's very intense.

Piper: Well, just slow it down a little bit.

Tish: Or move it to the left.

Piper: [Zo has given them crushed petals to release into the wind for good luck] If this turns out to be the ashes of Zo's first husband, I'm gonna freak.

Tish: Suppose it drives some beat up piece of shit held together by duct tape and dental floss?

Jen: All you need is love.

Tish: What if he has like, NRA and skinhead stickers all over it?

Jen: We can work it out.

Piper: It's Beatles Night at the Morro Bay Whaler, accepting Fab Four requests all night long!

Tish: What if he's the fool in the hill? Or the nowhere man?

Jen: Tish, let it be.

Piper: Besides, everybody's got something to hide...

Tish, Piper: 'Cept me and my monkey!

Piper: Maybe we should send Tish past him and see if he checks her out.

Jen: If he doesn't check Tish out, he's either gay or dead.

Tish: All I saw tonight was just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.

Jen: A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.

Tish: Is this about how cute he was? I mean, I thought you'd be happy. Not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.

Piper: Besides, you said that looks don't matter.

Jen: Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad fucking Pitt. There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.

Tish: That's crazy.

Jen: Is it? I mean, look at Tadd. When he came into the shop, he didn't exaclty bee-line to me, did he?

Piper: Yeah, but Tadd is a superficial dickhead. Everybody knows that.

[Tish looks at her]

Piper: Everyone except Tish. Sorry.

Jen: [Masterbating for the first time. Offscreen] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Uh, oh, my God!

Piper: Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift-off!

Tish: Elvis has left the building!

Trucker: All right, angels, the Causemobile is ready to roll!

Jen, Tish, Piper: Thanks, Charlie!

Piper: Ever see a 50-foot shark?

Thomas Mackelway: I'm sorry?

Piper: A 50-foot shark. You ever seen one?

Thomas Mackelway: No.

Piper: Doesn't mean there aren't any.

Professor Dates: Do you know the definition of a black hole?

Piper: Not precisely, no.

Professor Dates: It's a celestial body with a gravitational force so strong that nothing escapes it, not even light.

Piper: Well, then how do you find something you can't see?

Detective Drury: Hey! I'm a detective, I could force you to tell me.

Piper: ...And I'm a Capricorn, you can't force me to do shit.

Piper: I keep thinking about mom.

Isaac: Mom's in Switzerland. Nothing ever happens in Switzerland.

Daisy: Well, I think my dad's probably trying to get through to me, so...

Piper: [sitting clueless]

Daisy: I'd kinda like to yell at him in private.

Benjamin: Question: Would you sleep with a minor? Answer: yes. Let's begin our slide into the moral abyss.

Katie: Oh! Naughty naughty.

Adam: Aw, shit, I, for one, had sex before I was fourteen. I don't see what the big deal is.

Benjamin: Really. I didn't think that they had altar boys in the, uh, the Jewish faith.

Elizabeth: [hurriedly trying to deflect any animosity] Okay, Piper, your turn.

Piper: Question: Would you sleep with a person of the same sex? Answer: yes.

Christian Turner: What a great game to play with our best friends.

Adam: Yeah, fuck Taboo. Let's have an orgy, huh?

Elizabeth: Or enroll in group therapy.

Benjamin: Well, maybe you need new friends.

Piper: Well, actually? We all seem pretty well suited for each other, so far.

Elizabeth: [looks at Adam] Your turn.

Adam: All right, the question is: Would you have a threesome? The answer is yes.

Christian Turner: Two girls and one guy, right?

Piper: Does it matter?

Katie: Well, Mr. Right Wing Conservative over there looks like he might think two girls might be fun. Huh?

[Piper, his current girlfriend, looks at him worriedly]

Elizabeth: Okay, my turn. Question: Would you have sex for money? Answer: yes.

[She looks at Katie]

Katie: I like sex, okay? That does not make me a hooker. At least it doesn't make me a bitch.

Benjamin: That's my baby.

Katie: Question. Mmm. Would you sleep with your partner's best friend? Answer? A very disappointing no.

Christian Turner: Wow. There's one good person amongst us sinners.

Katie: Christian. Pardon me, but don't you have to be a lot fatter and less educated to be part of the Christian coalition?

Christian Turner: So says the prep school anarchist.

Katie: Ah. No, no no. See, I am just a shallow, materialistic party girl, and at least I don't pretend to believe in principles.

[first lines]

Piper: [reading from a dictionary] "Taboo: A prohibition against touching, saying, or doing something for fear of immediate harm from a supernatural force." That's creepy. And, and I, I don't, I don't really get it.

Elizabeth: Well, the thing about taboos is that society shuns them. But if you really think about it, I mean, there's something very tempting about it. And the game will test whether or not we succumb to the taboo, whatever it might be.

Christian Turner: Such as?

Elizabeth: Such as, would you cheat on your husband or wife?

Katie: Oh, that's considered taboo? See, I just thought it was good Country Club etiquette.

[They raise their champagne glasses in a toast, as the New Year approaches]

Christian Turner: Here, a toast. To the four people in the world that I most love to hate. And

[nodding to Elizabeth]

Christian Turner: to the one that I hate to love.

Elizabeth: [She grins] To relationships that last as long as we live.

[She smiles saucily at Christian]

Elizabeth: As short as that may be.

Piper: To the twelve seconds.

Benjamin: [mocking her drunkenness] "Twelve theconds." I'd like to make a toast to bread. Because without bread, there would be no toast.

Katie: [to Elizabeth, spitefully] Uh, a toast for the cure to cancer! And, uh, ending world hunger, and everything else I'll never be involved in!

Piper: [drunk but happy] To special people! And special times.

Adam: Special Olympics!