Piper Quotes in Drive Angry (2011)


Piper Quotes:

  • Piper: Gimme one good reason I shouldn't shoot you in the face.

    Milton: I'm driving.

    Piper: You know what I mean!

  • Jonah King: I've changed my mind about you, Piper. You are too willful to be taught. I am going to kill you, and then I'm going to defile your corpse.

    Piper: Between now and then, I'm gonna fuck you up.

  • Milton: I'm Milton. You're Piper, right?

    Piper: Well, Milton, if you try and kill me and dump me in the woods, I'm gonna cut your nuts off.

    Milton: Yes, ma'am.

  • Piper: You gonna tap that or what?

    Milton: Tap?

    Piper: Geez, Milton, how long has it been?

    Milton: I've had a lot on my mind.

    Piper: Uh-huh. Right. Suit yourself then. But no one reaches the end and says, "I wish I hadn't fucked so much."

  • Piper: Just so you know, I don't pick up hitchikers.

    Milton: I didn't have my thumb out.

  • Piper: What kind of fucking gun is that?

    Milton: The kind you use on guys like that.

  • Piper: [looking back] But why aren't they following us?

    Milton: Because your a straight-up certifiable cop-killing murderer and they're scared of you.

    Piper: [smiles] So what now?

    Milton: Now we drive.

  • [discussing how to split the money]

    Piper: I want half.

    Dodge: Half. Fuck you, this isn't divorce.

  • Det. Matthew 'Gib' Gibson: Dodge!

    Dodge: Gibson!

    Det. Matthew 'Gib' Gibson: It's a setup!

    Piper: Move!

  • Piper: That's nice, Robin Hood, but we gotta fled!

  • Dodge: We gotta get into a rhythm.

    Piper: What the fuck you know about rhythm?

    Dodge: I'm a foster child, raised by the state.

    Piper: What's your point?

    Dodge: There was this caretaker who was like a father to me. His name was Titus. He taught me that everybody lives their life according to a rhythm. You make love to a rhythm. Your heart beats to a rhythm. If we're gonna run together, we gotta get into the same rhythm.

    Piper: I got your rhythm, convict.

    [Pulls out and plays harmonica]

  • Piper: Come on, Dodge! We gotta fled.

  • Rodney Copperbottom: Hey Fender.

    [Rodney does arm farts]

    Fender: Yeah Baby, let 'er rip!

    [Rodney and Fender are doing arm farts]

    Crank: What are you guys, 3 years old? This is how a man does it.

    [Crank does arm farts]

    Piper: You guys are SO gross! Besides, this is how you do it.

    [Piper does arm farts]

    Aunt Fanny: Hey kids, get a load of this...

    [does BIG farts; Everyone is grossed out]

    Piper: Aunt Fanny, we were using our arms!

    Crank: Ugh, light a match!

    Lamppost: Lady... please... see a doctor...

    Lamppost: [the lamppost passes out]

  • Piper: [about Aunt Fanny] She's a little artsy-fartsy. The artsy's okay, but once she gets fartsy...

  • Piper: Fender, get out of my room!

    Fender: I'm not in your room. I am now. Now, I'm not. Am. Not. Am. Not...

    Piper: [sternly] Get out of my room!

  • Piper: Did I miss the butt wuppin'?

    PiperCrankFenderRodney CopperbottomLugCappy: [surrounded by menacing machines, everyone freeze, staring and then move again] No.

    Crank: Actually, you're a little early.

  • Piper: I have a sister!

    [Fender looks round after being at the chop shop]

    Piper: [gasps] An ugly sister!

  • Fender: We've told you a hundred times...

    [Talks with his hand]

    Fender: Don't talk to strange men. Thank you, Manuel.

    Piper: I talk to you. Who's stranger than that?

  • Piper: Am I too late for the butt-whooping?

    Crank: Actually your a bit early.

    Piper: Great!

  • Piper: By the way, the name's Piper. Rhymes with viper. Hiss!

  • Rodney Copperbottom: So, what are you guys doing today?

    Fender: We're doing it.

    Piper: What about you?

    Rodney Copperbottom: Mr. Bigweld is missing and you're all just going to sit around and do nothing?

    Fender: I think that's already been established.

  • Piper: Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?

    Evelyn Tremble: No, I'm Peter O'Toole!

    Piper: Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.

  • Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.

    Zo: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.

    Piper: Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?

    Zo: Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

    Priestly: Right on!

    Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.

    Priestly: Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.

    Zo: [smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.

  • Priestly: [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?

    Piper: Piper.

    Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?

    Piper: I work here.

    Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!

    Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.

    Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!

    Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.

    Priestly: [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?

  • Jen: Alright, so we have chocolate, sleeping bags, food, personal items, chocolate, money, chocolate, and beer.

    Piper: Do you think you have enough chocolate?

    Jen: I'll add it.

  • Piper: You know, I didn't want to give up my baby. I was forced to. What would you do if Julia was taken away from you? Wouldn't you think about it every day for the rest of your life?

    Noah: Yeah, of course.

    Piper: Then why is it any different for me? I mean, why is my love for my child just a whim while yours is real? Of course, you have your child so you can afford to be judgmental. All I have is the ghost of two Julias. I loved them both, and I lost them both.

  • Noah: Ok, so here's the deal; Julia and I took a vote and there's a definite opening in the family. Job is yours if you want it.

    Piper: Really?

    Noah: Yeah. Only one ground rule; nothing but honesty from now on.

    Piper: I swear.

    [Noah smiles. They start walking]

    Piper: Noah?

    Noah: Yeah?

    Piper: That shirt's a really nasty color.

    Noah: Okay, not *that* honest!

    Piper: Hey, I'm just trying to get started somewhere!

  • Piper: [Comes in and starts doodling on the menu board unannounced. To Trucker] I'm not normal.

    Piper: Clearly.

    Trucker: I need a job.

    Piper: [after a short stare-down] It's yours.

  • Noah: That doesn't look like math to me.

    Julia: Done.

    Noah: Spelling?

    Julia: Done.

    Noah: Well, I have to check it.

    Piper: Done.

  • Noah: Poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley. And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes, until I get there.

    Piper: You are a terrible father.

    Noah: I gotta give her something to tell the therapist in 10 years.

    Julia: Bradley picks his nose in class, and makes these fart noises in his arm pits.

    Noah: Testosterone poisoning, actually. He can't help it.

  • Piper: [about Priestly] He works here?

    Jen: Well, he's *employed* here.

  • Piper: [about her online lover] What happens when *it* wants to meet?

    Jen: Well, we've been emailing for almost a year, it hasn't come up.

    Piper: A year? Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?

    Jen: Everything else. We talk about music and books, the war in Iraq. His dog, my cat.

  • Piper: [Showing Julia how to draw rocks] Don't be afraid to be bold.

  • Julia: [erasing] That sucky thing's not right.

    Piper: That "sucky" thing?

    Julia: That's what my dad calls it.

    Noah: [looking in] What your dad calls what?

    Julia: This.

    Noah: What, the sucky thing?

    Piper: Otherwise known as a turkey baster.

    Noah: Well, yeah, if you want to use it's nickname. But everybody knows the real name is of course

    JuliaNoah: [in unison] ... the sucky thing.

  • Trucker: ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?

    Piper: Dead.

    Tish: Andy Kaufman?

    Piper: Dead.

    Trucker: Jerry Garcia?

    Piper: Grateful, and dead.

    Tish: Mariah Carey?

    Piper: Are we talking about her acting career?

    Tish: [Chuckles] No.

    Piper: Okay, then alive.

    Lucille: Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?

    Piper: I have family here.

    Mr. Julius: Are you a virgin?

    [Everyone groans]

    Trucker: Mr. Julius!

    Mr. Julius: Sorry, sorry.

    Piper: No... But I used to be.

    Tish: You're not a witch, by any chance?

    Piper: Is that a job requirement?

    Tish: Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.

    Jen: Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.

    Trucker: Okay, everybody! Time to vote!

    [Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]

  • Tish: I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...

    Stud: But what? Come on, Tish!

    Tish: Well, it's just...

    Priestly: Here it comes.

    Tish: [Whispers] I don't really like sex.

    Stud: What? How can you not like...

    Tish: I've never had a... you know...

    Stud: Whoa! Never?

    [Tish shakes her head]

    Stud: Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.

    [Points to himself and mouths "Me"]

    Tish: [laughs] Okay.

    Piper: My God, does that really work?

    Jen: Every time.

    Priestly: Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.

  • Priestly: [Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!

    Jen: All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?

    Tish: A for effort. C for execution.

    Jen: Natural gift?

    Tish: Didn't even register.

    Piper: That bad, huh?

    Tish: That bad, and... He knows it.

    Piper: Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?

    [Priestly nods]

    Tish: Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?

    [Priestly cocks an eyebrow]

  • Piper: [about her drawing of Julia] You want it?

    Noah: No, not really.

    [Starts to walk away. Piper looks offended, but he comes back]

    Noah: I'm kidding! I'm kidding, I'd love it, if you don't mind parting with it, of course.

  • Priestly: [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!

    Jen: [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!

    Priestly: Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.

    Tish: Why do you think he's a cop?

    Priestly: Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?

    Tish: I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.

    Priestly: Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.

    Tish: Ugh!

    Piper: Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.

    Lucille: Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!

    Jen: I'm not moving anywhere.

    Tish: I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.

    Piper: Could just be his age, you know.

    Tish: Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.

    Priestly: Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.

    Jen: I like that one!

  • Tish: [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.

    Jen: Really?

    Piper: Me, too.

    Jen: You guys are the best!

    Priestly: Yep, count me in!

    TishPiperJen: Forget it.

    Trucker: Can we get to work now?

    Priestly: I'll, I'll drive.

    Piper: No.

    Priestly: I'll buy the beer.

    [Jen laughs at him]

    Priestly: I never get to do anything fun.

  • Tish: No way.

    Jen: What?

    Tish: You're still the scarlet V.

    Jen: [Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?

    Piper: No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

    Tish: Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer.

    [Jen makes a face]

    Tish: Never?

    Jen: You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!

    Piper: You've never plucked your own banjo?

    Jen: Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?

    Piper: Yesterday morning.

    Tish: Two days ago.

    Lucille: Last night.

    [the girls look at her]

    Lucille: Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!

    Jen: Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.

    Tish: Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers.

    [Piper laughs]

  • Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.

    Priestly: Right on!

    Piper: And what if he is a woman?

    Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.

    Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?

    Tish: What is he's 14?

    Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh

    [Holds a glass to his eye]

    Priestly: videotape?

    Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.

    Trucker: Convicted felon?

    Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.

    Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?

    Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.

    Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?

    Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.

    Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

    Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.

    [Priestly smiles]

  • Jen: [Tish and Piper are waiting in the hall while she masterbates for the first time] Nothing's happening!

    Tish: Keep going!

    Jen: I don't know, you guys. Maybe mine's a dud.

    TishPiper: Keep going!

    Jen: Ow!

    Tish: What?

    Jen: It's very intense.

    Piper: Well, just slow it down a little bit.

    Tish: Or move it to the left.

  • Piper: [Zo has given them crushed petals to release into the wind for good luck] If this turns out to be the ashes of Zo's first husband, I'm gonna freak.

  • Tish: Suppose it drives some beat up piece of shit held together by duct tape and dental floss?

    Jen: All you need is love.

    Tish: What if he has like, NRA and skinhead stickers all over it?

    Jen: We can work it out.

    Piper: It's Beatles Night at the Morro Bay Whaler, accepting Fab Four requests all night long!

    Tish: What if he's the fool in the hill? Or the nowhere man?

    Jen: Tish, let it be.

    Piper: Besides, everybody's got something to hide...

    TishPiper: 'Cept me and my monkey!

  • Piper: Maybe we should send Tish past him and see if he checks her out.

    Jen: If he doesn't check Tish out, he's either gay or dead.

  • Tish: All I saw tonight was just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.

    Jen: A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.

    Tish: Is this about how cute he was? I mean, I thought you'd be happy. Not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.

    Piper: Besides, you said that looks don't matter.

    Jen: Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad fucking Pitt. There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.

    Tish: That's crazy.

    Jen: Is it? I mean, look at Tadd. When he came into the shop, he didn't exaclty bee-line to me, did he?

    Piper: Yeah, but Tadd is a superficial dickhead. Everybody knows that.

    [Tish looks at her]

    Piper: Everyone except Tish. Sorry.

  • Jen: [Masterbating for the first time. Offscreen] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Uh, oh, my God!

    Piper: Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift-off!

    Tish: Elvis has left the building!

  • Trucker: All right, angels, the Causemobile is ready to roll!

    JenTishPiper: Thanks, Charlie!

  • Piper: Ever see a 50-foot shark?

    Thomas Mackelway: I'm sorry?

    Piper: A 50-foot shark. You ever seen one?

    Thomas Mackelway: No.

    Piper: Doesn't mean there aren't any.

  • Professor Dates: Do you know the definition of a black hole?

    Piper: Not precisely, no.

    Professor Dates: It's a celestial body with a gravitational force so strong that nothing escapes it, not even light.

    Piper: Well, then how do you find something you can't see?

  • Detective Drury: Hey! I'm a detective, I could force you to tell me.

    Piper: ...And I'm a Capricorn, you can't force me to do shit.

  • Piper: I keep thinking about mom.

    Isaac: Mom's in Switzerland. Nothing ever happens in Switzerland.

  • Daisy: Well, I think my dad's probably trying to get through to me, so...

    Piper: [sitting clueless]

    Daisy: I'd kinda like to yell at him in private.

  • Benjamin: Question: Would you sleep with a minor? Answer: yes. Let's begin our slide into the moral abyss.

    Katie: Oh! Naughty naughty.

    Adam: Aw, shit, I, for one, had sex before I was fourteen. I don't see what the big deal is.

    Benjamin: Really. I didn't think that they had altar boys in the, uh, the Jewish faith.

    Elizabeth: [hurriedly trying to deflect any animosity] Okay, Piper, your turn.

    Piper: Question: Would you sleep with a person of the same sex? Answer: yes.

    Christian Turner: What a great game to play with our best friends.

    Adam: Yeah, fuck Taboo. Let's have an orgy, huh?

    Elizabeth: Or enroll in group therapy.

    Benjamin: Well, maybe you need new friends.

    Piper: Well, actually? We all seem pretty well suited for each other, so far.

    Elizabeth: [looks at Adam] Your turn.

    Adam: All right, the question is: Would you have a threesome? The answer is yes.

    Christian Turner: Two girls and one guy, right?

    Piper: Does it matter?

    Katie: Well, Mr. Right Wing Conservative over there looks like he might think two girls might be fun. Huh?

    [Piper, his current girlfriend, looks at him worriedly]

    Elizabeth: Okay, my turn. Question: Would you have sex for money? Answer: yes.

    [She looks at Katie]

    Katie: I like sex, okay? That does not make me a hooker. At least it doesn't make me a bitch.

    Benjamin: That's my baby.

    Katie: Question. Mmm. Would you sleep with your partner's best friend? Answer? A very disappointing no.

    Christian Turner: Wow. There's one good person amongst us sinners.

    Katie: Christian. Pardon me, but don't you have to be a lot fatter and less educated to be part of the Christian coalition?

    Christian Turner: So says the prep school anarchist.

    Katie: Ah. No, no no. See, I am just a shallow, materialistic party girl, and at least I don't pretend to believe in principles.

  • [first lines]

    Piper: [reading from a dictionary] "Taboo: A prohibition against touching, saying, or doing something for fear of immediate harm from a supernatural force." That's creepy. And, and I, I don't, I don't really get it.

    Elizabeth: Well, the thing about taboos is that society shuns them. But if you really think about it, I mean, there's something very tempting about it. And the game will test whether or not we succumb to the taboo, whatever it might be.

    Christian Turner: Such as?

    Elizabeth: Such as, would you cheat on your husband or wife?

    Katie: Oh, that's considered taboo? See, I just thought it was good Country Club etiquette.

  • [They raise their champagne glasses in a toast, as the New Year approaches]

    Christian Turner: Here, a toast. To the four people in the world that I most love to hate. And

    [nodding to Elizabeth]

    Christian Turner: to the one that I hate to love.

    Elizabeth: [She grins] To relationships that last as long as we live.

    [She smiles saucily at Christian]

    Elizabeth: As short as that may be.

    Piper: To the twelve seconds.

    Benjamin: [mocking her drunkenness] "Twelve theconds." I'd like to make a toast to bread. Because without bread, there would be no toast.

    Katie: [to Elizabeth, spitefully] Uh, a toast for the cure to cancer! And, uh, ending world hunger, and everything else I'll never be involved in!

    Piper: [drunk but happy] To special people! And special times.

    Adam: Special Olympics!

Browse more character quotes from Drive Angry (2011)