Piper Quotes in Drive Angry (2011)
Piper: Gimme one good reason I shouldn't shoot you in the face.
Milton: I'm driving.
Piper: You know what I mean!
Jonah King: I've changed my mind about you, Piper. You are too willful to be taught. I am going to kill you, and then I'm going to defile your corpse.
Piper: Between now and then, I'm gonna fuck you up.
Milton: I'm Milton. You're Piper, right?
Piper: Well, Milton, if you try and kill me and dump me in the woods, I'm gonna cut your nuts off.
Milton: Yes, ma'am.
Piper: You gonna tap that or what?
Piper: Geez, Milton, how long has it been?
Milton: I've had a lot on my mind.
Piper: Uh-huh. Right. Suit yourself then. But no one reaches the end and says, "I wish I hadn't fucked so much."
Piper: Just so you know, I don't pick up hitchikers.
Milton: I didn't have my thumb out.
Piper: What kind of fucking gun is that?
Milton: The kind you use on guys like that.
Piper: [looking back] But why aren't they following us?
Milton: Because your a straight-up certifiable cop-killing murderer and they're scared of you.
Piper: [smiles] So what now?
Milton: Now we drive.
[discussing how to split the money]
Piper: I want half.
Dodge: Half. Fuck you, this isn't divorce.
Det. Matthew 'Gib' Gibson: Dodge!
Det. Matthew 'Gib' Gibson: It's a setup!
Piper: That's nice, Robin Hood, but we gotta fled!
Dodge: We gotta get into a rhythm.
Piper: What the fuck you know about rhythm?
Dodge: I'm a foster child, raised by the state.
Piper: What's your point?
Dodge: There was this caretaker who was like a father to me. His name was Titus. He taught me that everybody lives their life according to a rhythm. You make love to a rhythm. Your heart beats to a rhythm. If we're gonna run together, we gotta get into the same rhythm.
Piper: I got your rhythm, convict.
[Pulls out and plays harmonica]
Piper: Come on, Dodge! We gotta fled.
Rodney Copperbottom: Hey Fender.
[Rodney does arm farts]
Fender: Yeah Baby, let 'er rip!
[Rodney and Fender are doing arm farts]
Crank: What are you guys, 3 years old? This is how a man does it.
[Crank does arm farts]
Piper: You guys are SO gross! Besides, this is how you do it.
[Piper does arm farts]
Aunt Fanny: Hey kids, get a load of this...
[does BIG farts; Everyone is grossed out]
Piper: Aunt Fanny, we were using our arms!
Crank: Ugh, light a match!
Lamppost: Lady... please... see a doctor...
Lamppost: [the lamppost passes out]
Piper: [about Aunt Fanny] She's a little artsy-fartsy. The artsy's okay, but once she gets fartsy...
Piper: Fender, get out of my room!
Fender: I'm not in your room. I am now. Now, I'm not. Am. Not. Am. Not...
Piper: [sternly] Get out of my room!
Piper: Did I miss the butt wuppin'?
Piper, Crank, Fender, Rodney Copperbottom, Lug, Cappy: [surrounded by menacing machines, everyone freeze, staring and then move again] No.
Crank: Actually, you're a little early.
Piper: I have a sister!
[Fender looks round after being at the chop shop]
Piper: [gasps] An ugly sister!
Fender: We've told you a hundred times...
[Talks with his hand]
Fender: Don't talk to strange men. Thank you, Manuel.
Piper: I talk to you. Who's stranger than that?
Piper: Am I too late for the butt-whooping?
Crank: Actually your a bit early.
Piper: By the way, the name's Piper. Rhymes with viper. Hiss!
Rodney Copperbottom: So, what are you guys doing today?
Fender: We're doing it.
Piper: What about you?
Rodney Copperbottom: Mr. Bigweld is missing and you're all just going to sit around and do nothing?
Fender: I think that's already been established.
Piper: Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?
Evelyn Tremble: No, I'm Peter O'Toole!
Piper: Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.
Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.
Zo: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.
Piper: Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?
Zo: Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.
Priestly: Right on!
Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.
Priestly: Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.
Zo: [smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.
Priestly: [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?
Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?
Piper: I work here.
Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!
Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.
Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!
Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.
Priestly: [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?
Jen: Alright, so we have chocolate, sleeping bags, food, personal items, chocolate, money, chocolate, and beer.
Piper: Do you think you have enough chocolate?
Jen: I'll add it.
Piper: You know, I didn't want to give up my baby. I was forced to. What would you do if Julia was taken away from you? Wouldn't you think about it every day for the rest of your life?
Noah: Yeah, of course.
Piper: Then why is it any different for me? I mean, why is my love for my child just a whim while yours is real? Of course, you have your child so you can afford to be judgmental. All I have is the ghost of two Julias. I loved them both, and I lost them both.
Noah: Ok, so here's the deal; Julia and I took a vote and there's a definite opening in the family. Job is yours if you want it.
Noah: Yeah. Only one ground rule; nothing but honesty from now on.
Piper: I swear.
[Noah smiles. They start walking]
Piper: That shirt's a really nasty color.
Noah: Okay, not *that* honest!
Piper: Hey, I'm just trying to get started somewhere!
Piper: [Comes in and starts doodling on the menu board unannounced. To Trucker] I'm not normal.
Trucker: I need a job.
Piper: [after a short stare-down] It's yours.
Noah: That doesn't look like math to me.
Noah: Well, I have to check it.
Noah: Poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley. And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes, until I get there.
Piper: You are a terrible father.
Noah: I gotta give her something to tell the therapist in 10 years.
Julia: Bradley picks his nose in class, and makes these fart noises in his arm pits.
Noah: Testosterone poisoning, actually. He can't help it.
Piper: [about Priestly] He works here?
Jen: Well, he's *employed* here.
Piper: [about her online lover] What happens when *it* wants to meet?
Jen: Well, we've been emailing for almost a year, it hasn't come up.
Piper: A year? Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?
Jen: Everything else. We talk about music and books, the war in Iraq. His dog, my cat.
Piper: [Showing Julia how to draw rocks] Don't be afraid to be bold.
Julia: [erasing] That sucky thing's not right.
Piper: That "sucky" thing?
Julia: That's what my dad calls it.
Noah: [looking in] What your dad calls what?
Noah: What, the sucky thing?
Piper: Otherwise known as a turkey baster.
Noah: Well, yeah, if you want to use it's nickname. But everybody knows the real name is of course
Julia, Noah: [in unison] ... the sucky thing.
Trucker: ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?
Tish: Andy Kaufman?
Trucker: Jerry Garcia?
Piper: Grateful, and dead.
Tish: Mariah Carey?
Piper: Are we talking about her acting career?
Tish: [Chuckles] No.
Piper: Okay, then alive.
Lucille: Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?
Piper: I have family here.
Mr. Julius: Are you a virgin?
Trucker: Mr. Julius!
Mr. Julius: Sorry, sorry.
Piper: No... But I used to be.
Tish: You're not a witch, by any chance?
Piper: Is that a job requirement?
Tish: Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.
Jen: Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.
Trucker: Okay, everybody! Time to vote!
[Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]
Tish: I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...
Stud: But what? Come on, Tish!
Tish: Well, it's just...
Priestly: Here it comes.
Tish: [Whispers] I don't really like sex.
Stud: What? How can you not like...
Tish: I've never had a... you know...
Stud: Whoa! Never?
[Tish shakes her head]
Stud: Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.
[Points to himself and mouths "Me"]
Tish: [laughs] Okay.
Piper: My God, does that really work?
Jen: Every time.
Priestly: Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.
Priestly: [Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!
Jen: All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?
Tish: A for effort. C for execution.
Jen: Natural gift?
Tish: Didn't even register.
Piper: That bad, huh?
Tish: That bad, and... He knows it.
Piper: Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?
Tish: Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?
[Priestly cocks an eyebrow]
Piper: [about her drawing of Julia] You want it?
Noah: No, not really.
[Starts to walk away. Piper looks offended, but he comes back]
Noah: I'm kidding! I'm kidding, I'd love it, if you don't mind parting with it, of course.
Priestly: [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!
Jen: [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!
Priestly: Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.
Tish: Why do you think he's a cop?
Priestly: Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?
Tish: I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.
Priestly: Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.
Piper: Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.
Lucille: Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!
Jen: I'm not moving anywhere.
Tish: I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.
Piper: Could just be his age, you know.
Tish: Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.
Priestly: Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.
Jen: I like that one!
Tish: [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.
Piper: Me, too.
Jen: You guys are the best!
Priestly: Yep, count me in!
Tish, Piper, Jen: Forget it.
Trucker: Can we get to work now?
Priestly: I'll, I'll drive.
Priestly: I'll buy the beer.
[Jen laughs at him]
Priestly: I never get to do anything fun.
Tish: No way.
Tish: You're still the scarlet V.
Jen: [Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?
Piper: No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.
Tish: Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer.
[Jen makes a face]
Jen: You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!
Piper: You've never plucked your own banjo?
Jen: Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?
Piper: Yesterday morning.
Tish: Two days ago.
Lucille: Last night.
[the girls look at her]
Lucille: Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!
Jen: Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.
Tish: Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers.
Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.
Priestly: Right on!
Piper: And what if he is a woman?
Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.
Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?
Tish: What is he's 14?
Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh
[Holds a glass to his eye]
Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.
Trucker: Convicted felon?
Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.
Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?
Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.
Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?
Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.
Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?
Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.
Jen: [Tish and Piper are waiting in the hall while she masterbates for the first time] Nothing's happening!
Tish: Keep going!
Jen: I don't know, you guys. Maybe mine's a dud.
Tish, Piper: Keep going!
Jen: It's very intense.
Piper: Well, just slow it down a little bit.
Tish: Or move it to the left.
Piper: [Zo has given them crushed petals to release into the wind for good luck] If this turns out to be the ashes of Zo's first husband, I'm gonna freak.
Tish: Suppose it drives some beat up piece of shit held together by duct tape and dental floss?
Jen: All you need is love.
Tish: What if he has like, NRA and skinhead stickers all over it?
Jen: We can work it out.
Piper: It's Beatles Night at the Morro Bay Whaler, accepting Fab Four requests all night long!
Tish: What if he's the fool in the hill? Or the nowhere man?
Jen: Tish, let it be.
Piper: Besides, everybody's got something to hide...
Tish, Piper: 'Cept me and my monkey!
Piper: Maybe we should send Tish past him and see if he checks her out.
Jen: If he doesn't check Tish out, he's either gay or dead.
Tish: All I saw tonight was just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.
Jen: A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.
Tish: Is this about how cute he was? I mean, I thought you'd be happy. Not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.
Piper: Besides, you said that looks don't matter.
Jen: Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad fucking Pitt. There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.
Tish: That's crazy.
Jen: Is it? I mean, look at Tadd. When he came into the shop, he didn't exaclty bee-line to me, did he?
Piper: Yeah, but Tadd is a superficial dickhead. Everybody knows that.
[Tish looks at her]
Piper: Everyone except Tish. Sorry.
Jen: [Masterbating for the first time. Offscreen] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Uh, oh, my God!
Piper: Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift-off!
Tish: Elvis has left the building!
Trucker: All right, angels, the Causemobile is ready to roll!
Jen, Tish, Piper: Thanks, Charlie!
Piper: Ever see a 50-foot shark?
Thomas Mackelway: I'm sorry?
Piper: A 50-foot shark. You ever seen one?
Thomas Mackelway: No.
Piper: Doesn't mean there aren't any.
Professor Dates: Do you know the definition of a black hole?
Piper: Not precisely, no.
Professor Dates: It's a celestial body with a gravitational force so strong that nothing escapes it, not even light.
Piper: Well, then how do you find something you can't see?
Detective Drury: Hey! I'm a detective, I could force you to tell me.
Piper: ...And I'm a Capricorn, you can't force me to do shit.
Piper: I keep thinking about mom.
Isaac: Mom's in Switzerland. Nothing ever happens in Switzerland.
Daisy: Well, I think my dad's probably trying to get through to me, so...
Piper: [sitting clueless]
Daisy: I'd kinda like to yell at him in private.
Benjamin: Question: Would you sleep with a minor? Answer: yes. Let's begin our slide into the moral abyss.
Katie: Oh! Naughty naughty.
Adam: Aw, shit, I, for one, had sex before I was fourteen. I don't see what the big deal is.
Benjamin: Really. I didn't think that they had altar boys in the, uh, the Jewish faith.
Elizabeth: [hurriedly trying to deflect any animosity] Okay, Piper, your turn.
Piper: Question: Would you sleep with a person of the same sex? Answer: yes.
Christian Turner: What a great game to play with our best friends.
Adam: Yeah, fuck Taboo. Let's have an orgy, huh?
Elizabeth: Or enroll in group therapy.
Benjamin: Well, maybe you need new friends.
Piper: Well, actually? We all seem pretty well suited for each other, so far.
Elizabeth: [looks at Adam] Your turn.
Adam: All right, the question is: Would you have a threesome? The answer is yes.
Christian Turner: Two girls and one guy, right?
Piper: Does it matter?
Katie: Well, Mr. Right Wing Conservative over there looks like he might think two girls might be fun. Huh?
[Piper, his current girlfriend, looks at him worriedly]
Elizabeth: Okay, my turn. Question: Would you have sex for money? Answer: yes.
[She looks at Katie]
Katie: I like sex, okay? That does not make me a hooker. At least it doesn't make me a bitch.
Benjamin: That's my baby.
Katie: Question. Mmm. Would you sleep with your partner's best friend? Answer? A very disappointing no.
Christian Turner: Wow. There's one good person amongst us sinners.
Katie: Christian. Pardon me, but don't you have to be a lot fatter and less educated to be part of the Christian coalition?
Christian Turner: So says the prep school anarchist.
Katie: Ah. No, no no. See, I am just a shallow, materialistic party girl, and at least I don't pretend to believe in principles.
Piper: [reading from a dictionary] "Taboo: A prohibition against touching, saying, or doing something for fear of immediate harm from a supernatural force." That's creepy. And, and I, I don't, I don't really get it.
Elizabeth: Well, the thing about taboos is that society shuns them. But if you really think about it, I mean, there's something very tempting about it. And the game will test whether or not we succumb to the taboo, whatever it might be.
Christian Turner: Such as?
Elizabeth: Such as, would you cheat on your husband or wife?
Katie: Oh, that's considered taboo? See, I just thought it was good Country Club etiquette.
[They raise their champagne glasses in a toast, as the New Year approaches]
Christian Turner: Here, a toast. To the four people in the world that I most love to hate. And
[nodding to Elizabeth]
Christian Turner: to the one that I hate to love.
Elizabeth: [She grins] To relationships that last as long as we live.
[She smiles saucily at Christian]
Elizabeth: As short as that may be.
Piper: To the twelve seconds.
Benjamin: [mocking her drunkenness] "Twelve theconds." I'd like to make a toast to bread. Because without bread, there would be no toast.
Katie: [to Elizabeth, spitefully] Uh, a toast for the cure to cancer! And, uh, ending world hunger, and everything else I'll never be involved in!
Piper: [drunk but happy] To special people! And special times.
Adam: Special Olympics!
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