Pinocchio Quotes in Shrek (2001)

[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!

Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us!

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!

Shrek: By who?

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!

[nose grows]

Captain of Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

[the Toons gather around Judge Doom's remains]

Mickey Mouse: Gosh, I wonder who he really was?

Bugs Bunny: I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit.

Daffy Duck: Or a duck.

Goofy: Or a dog.

Pinocchio: Or a little wooden boy.

Big Bad Wolf: Or a... sheep.

Woody Woodpecker: Or a woodpecker.

Sylvester: Or a pussy.

Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!

Pinocchio: What should I say?

Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"

Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.

Pinocchio: [silence]

Shrek: Are you?

Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!

Pinocchio: [nose extends]

Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!

Pinocchio: I am not!

Pinocchio: [nose extends]

Puss-in-Boots: What kind?

Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!

[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]

Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...

Queen: Harold...

Pinocchio: Is he... oh...

[there's a "ribbit"]

Gingerbread Man: He croaked...

[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]

Queen: ...Harold?

Princess Fiona: ...Dad?

King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...

Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!

Shrek: Donkey!

King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?

[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]

Queen: Harold...

King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...

Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...

Pinocchio: I'm a real boy!

Gingerbread Man: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.

Pinocchio: I'm not flipping anywhere, Sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.

Prince Charming: You! You can't lie! So tell me puppet... where... is... Shrek?

Pinocchio: Uh. Hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not

Prince Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?

Pinocchio: It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.

Prince Charming: So you do know where he is!

Pinocchio: On the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably

Prince Charming: Stop it!

Pinocchio: ...do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't at where I knew he was

[Pigs and Gingerbread Man begin singing]

Pinocchio: That'd mean I'd really have to know where he wasn't.

Donkey: Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!

Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.

Gingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.

Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.

Donkey: Alright, alright, alright. From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

Gingerbread Man: Ew! This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theater.

Pinocchio: Me too.

[his nose grows]

Pinocchio: [to Gepetto] How about carving me a girlfriend?

Pinocchio: Miracles are made in the heart papa.

Pinocchio: [riding The Big One; thinking] A real boy. I'm a real boy. I'm a real boy!

Lampwick: [to Pinocchio] Hey, Woody, you ever get termites?

Pinocchio: What are termites?

Saleo: They're bugs.

Pinocchio: I like bugs.

Lampwick: Not these kind, you don't.

Saleo: They eat wood like you.

[he kicks Pinocchio in the leg]

Pepe: [to Pinocchio] Say, do you always squish someone before being formally introduced?

Pinocchio: Are... Are you a termite?

Pepe: Oh, puh-lease!

Pinocchio: So you're not gonna eat me?

Pepe: Thanks for the offer, but I'm on a low-wood diet. Let me introduce myself. The name is... Pugnacio Elecuzio P. Elegante. Gimme a "P", an "E", a "P", an "E", put 'em all together and call me... Pepe!

Pinocchio: Pepe?

Pepe: You don't like it?

Pinocchio: It's okay.

Pepe: I'm very sensitive, you know.

Pinocchio: No, it's... it's fine.

Pepe: We can't all be called Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: [Pinocchio is in the forest] Smell that pine.

Pepe: You know, they ought to bottle that scent so you can spray it around your house.

Pinocchio: [in the forest] This is where I belong.

Pepe: You know, I prefer the beach myself, but property there is so expensive.

Geppetto: Say hello to Figaro.

Pinocchio: Hello to Figaro.

Geppetto: [waking up to a loud crashing noise] Who's there?

Pinocchio: It's me.

Geppetto: [relieved] Oh, it's me.

[starts to lie back down, then suddenly sits up boltright]

Geppetto: Huh? Shhh! Figaro, there's somebody in here!

Jiminy Cricket: [pointing to Honest John] Remember what I said about temptations? That's him.

Pinocchio: Oh, no, Jiminy. That's Mr. Honest John.

Jiminy Cricket: [shocked] Honest John?

The Blue Fairy: You must learn to choose between right and wrong.

Pinocchio: Right and wrong? But how will I know?

Jiminy Cricket: [watching] How'll he know!

The Blue Fairy: [to Pinocchio] Your conscience will tell you.

Pinocchio: What's a conscience?

Jiminy Cricket: What's a conscience! I'll tell ya! A conscience is that still small voice that people won't listen to. That's just the trouble with the world today...

Pinocchio: Are you my conscience?

Jiminy Cricket: Who, me?

Pinocchio: I'd rather be smart than be an actor.

Geppetto: Now close your eyes and go to sleep.

Pinocchio: Why?

Geppetto: Everybody has to sleep. Figaro goes to sleep - and Cleo - and besides, tomorrow, you've got to go to school.

Pinocchio: Why?

Geppetto: Oh, to learn things and get smart.

Pinocchio: Why?

Geppetto: [starts to fall asleep] Because.

Pinocchio: Oh.

Jiminy Cricket: [guietly] Toodle-oo, Stromboli.

Pinocchio: Goodbye, Mr Stromb...

Jiminy Cricket: Shhh! Quiet! Let's get out of here before something else happens.

Lampwick: [picks up Jiminy] Hey, who's the beetle?

Jiminy Cricket: Let go! Put me down!

Pinocchio: He's my conscience. He tells me what's right and wrong.

Lampwick: What? You mean to tell me you take orders from a grasshopper?

Jiminy Cricket: Grasshopper? Look here, you - you impudent young pup! It wouldn't hurt you to take orders from your grasshop - er, your conscience, if you have one!

Pinocchio: [having been 'fished' up into the boat by Geppetto] Hey, Father! Father!

Geppetto: Don't bother me now, Pinocchio!

[then he realizes]

Geppetto: What? Pinocchio?

Pinocchio: Father!

Geppetto: Pinocchio!

Pinocchio: Father, whatcha crying for?

[Geppetto hears him, but his mind doesn't get the message]

Geppetto: Because... you're dead, Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: No! No, I'm not.

Geppetto: Yes. Yes, you are. Now, lie down...

Pinocchio: But father, I'm alive. See?

[Looks at himself]

Pinocchio: And... and I'm... I'm real. I'm a real boy!

[THAT makes Geppetto look up]

Geppetto: You're alive! And... and you are a real boy!

Geppetto: [Inside Monstro the whale] Get out? Oh, no, no, son. I have tried every way. Why, I even built a raft.

Pinocchio: [noticing it] A raft? That's it! We'll take the raft. And when the whale opens his mouth...

Geppetto: No, no, no, no. Now listen, son. He only opens his mouth when he's eating. Then everything comes in; nothing goes out.

Pinocchio: Oh.

Geppetto: It's hopeless, Pinocchio. Come, we'll make a nice fire and we cook some of the fish.

Pinocchio: A fire? That's it!

Geppetto: Yes, and then we'll all eat again.

Pinocchio: A great big fire; lots of smoke!

Geppetto: Smoke? Oh, yes, sure. Smoked fish will taste good.

Pinocchio: Quick, some wood!

[grabs some pieces of wood and a wooden chair and places the wood in Geppetto's arms]

Geppetto: Pinocchio, not the chair!

Geppetto: Hurry, Father, more wood!

[smashes the chair over a wooden barrel while Geppetto adds the wood pieces]

Geppetto: But what'll we sit on?

Pinocchio: We won't need it. We're getting out!

[Grabs a lit lantern and smashes it over the pile of wood, causing a fire to start. He then adds a blanket to create smoke then promptly starts blowing and fanning on the smoke to force it up. The smoke curls upward toward the top of Monstro]

Geppetto: Getting out? But how?

Pinocchio: We'll make him sneeze!

Geppetto: Make him sneeze? Oh, that will make him mad!

[Pinocchio, having heard that Geppetto is alive after being swallowed by Monstro, makes the bold decision to save him and takes off]

Jiminy Cricket: Hey, where ya goin'?

Pinocchio: I'm going to find him!

Jiminy Cricket: [following after Pinocchio] But Pinocch, are you crazy? Don't you realize he's in a whale?

Pinocchio: I've *gotta* go to him!

Jiminy Cricket: [following after] Hey, Pinocch! Wait! Listen here, son!

[Pinocchio just keeps going straight to a high cliff overlooking the ocean, Jiminy following all the way]

Jiminy Cricket: But this Monstro, I've heard of him; he's a whale of a whale!

[Pinocchio starts tying a rock to his donkey tail]

Jiminy Cricket: Why, he swallows whole ships alive!

[Hhelps tie Pinocchio's tail to the rock completely]

Jiminy Cricket: Tie it good and tight now. And besides, it's dangerous! Why, I...

Pinocchio: Good-bye, Jiminy.

Jiminy Cricket: Good-bye? I may be live bait down there, but I'm with ya!

Geppetto: Oh, Pinocchio! How did you get down here?

Pinocchio: I fell down.

Geppetto: Oh, you did... Oh! You are talking!

Pinocchio: Uh-huh.

Geppetto: No! No. no, no!

Pinocchio: Yes, and I can move too.

Geppetto: No, no, you can't! I'm dreaming in my sleep! Oh, wake me up! Wake me up!

[pours a pitcher of water over his head]

Geppetto: Now we see who's dreaming. Go on, say something.

Pinocchio: ...Gee, you're funny. Do it again!

Geppetto: You *do* talk!

Pinocchio: Yes! The Blue Fairy came.

Geppetto: The Blue Fairy?

Pinocchio: Uh-huh, and I got a conscience.

Geppetto: A conscience?

[Jiminy proudly points to himself]

Pinocchio: And someday, I'm gonna be a real boy!

Geppetto: A real boy! It's my wish! It's come true!

Foulfellow: [Picks up Pinocchio's schoolbook and apple, which he eats] Well, well. Quite the scholar, I see. Look, Giddy. A man of letters. Here's your book

[hands book to Pinocchio]

Pinocchio: I'm going to school.

Foulfellow: School. Ah, yes. Then perhaps you haven't heard of the easy road to success.

Pinocchio: Uh-uh.

Foulfellow: No? I'm speaking, my boy, of the theater! Here's your apple.

[Hands Pinocchio the apple, eaten down to the core]

Foulfellow: Bright lights, music, applause! Fame!

[Wiggles eyebrows]

Pinocchio: Fame?

[Wiggles eyebrows too]

Foulfellow: Yes! And with that personality, that profile, that physique... why, he's a natural-born actor, eh, Giddy?

Pinocchio: But I'm going...

Foulfellow: ...straight to the top! Why, I can see your name in lights, lights six feet high! Uh... what is your name?

Pinocchio: Pinocchio.

Foulfellow: Pinocchio! P-I-N... er, U-O... Uh, er...

[chuckles]

Foulfellow: We're wasting precious time. Come. On to the theater!

Jiminy Cricket: Now, you see, the world is full of temptations.

Pinocchio: Temptations?

Jiminy Cricket: Yep, temptations. They're the wrong things that seem right at the time... but... uh... even though the right things may seem wrong sometimes, or sometimes the wrong things...

[chuckles]

Jiminy Cricket: may be right at the wrong time, or visa versa.

Jiminy Cricket: [clears throat] Understand?

Pinocchio: [Shakes his head] Uh-uh. But I'm gonna do right.

Jiminy Cricket: Atta boy, Pinoke! And I'm gonna help ya.

Pinocchio: [looking for Geppetto, who has been swallowed by Monstro the whale] Father!

Jiminy Cricket: Father! Huh? He ain't *my* father. Uh, Mr. Geppetto!

Jiminy Cricket: All right, then, here's what we'll tell 'em. You can't go to the theater. Say thank you just the same - you're sorry, but you've got to go to school.

Pinocchio: Mmm-hmm.

Foulfellow: Pinocchio! Oh, Pinocchio! Woo-hoo!

Jiminy Cricket: Here they come, Pinoke. Now, you tell 'em.

Foulfellow: Woo hoo! Oh, little boy! Ah, there you are. Where were we? Ah, yes. On to the theater!

Pinocchio: Good-bye, Jiminy! Good-bye!

Jiminy Cricket: Good-bye? Huh? Good-bye?

[Sees Pinocchio going off with Foulfellow and Gideon]

Jiminy Cricket: Hey, Pinoke! You can't go...! There he goes. What'll I do? I'll run and tell his father. No, that'd be snitching. I'll go after him myself.

Foulfellow: [he and Gideon have "diagnosed" Pinocchio's "condition"] My boy, you are *allergic.*

Pinocchio: Allergic?

Foulfellow: Yes, and there is only one cure: a vacation on Pleasure Island!

Pinocchio: Pleasure Island?

Foulfellow: Yes!

[ge and Gideon dance]

Foulfellow: That happy land of carefree boys, where every day's a holiday!

Pinocchio: [leaving] But I can't go. I...

Foulfellow: [he and Gideon stop him] Why, of course you can go. I'm giving you my ticket.

[he produces an ace of spades card and gives it to Pinocchio]

Foulfellow: Here.

Pinocchio: Thanks. But I...

Foulfellow: No, tut-tut-tut, I insist: your health comes first.

[he and Gideon grab Pinocchio and escort him away]

Foulfellow: Come, the coach departs at midnight!

[he sings the Pleasure Island rendition of "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee" as they escort Pinocchio away]

Pinocchio: [of Lampwick] Don't hurt him, Jiminy. He's my best friend.

Jiminy Cricket: [outraged] Your *best friend*? And what am *I*? Just your conscience? Okay! That settles it!

The Blue Fairy: Little puppet made of pine, awake. The gift of life is thine.

[She touches her wand to Pinocchio who wakes and begins to move]

Jiminy Cricket: Whew! What they can't do these days!

Pinocchio: I can move!

[covers his mouth]

Pinocchio: I can talk!

[stands as the Blue Fairy chuckles]

Pinocchio: I can walk!

[falls back down clumsily]

The Blue Fairy: Yes, Pinocchio. I've given you life.

Pinocchio: Why?

The Blue Fairy: Because tonight, Geppetto wished for a real boy.

Pinocchio: Am I a real boy?

The Blue Fairy: No, Pinocchio. To make Geppetto's wish come true will be entirely up to you.

Pinocchio: Up to me?

The Blue Fairy: Prove yourself brave, truthful and unselfish, and someday you *will* be a real boy.

Stromboli: [shuts Pinocchio up in a cage] There! This will be your home - where I can find you always!

Pinocchio: No, no, no!

Stromboli: Yes, yes, yes! To me, you are a belonging. We will tour the world: Paris, London, Monte Carlo, Constantinopolee.

Pinocchio: No, no!

Stromboli: [bangs his fist on the table] YES! We start TONIGHT!

[stuffs money into a bag]

Stromboli: You will make lots of money...

[stuffs the bag into his cummerbund]

Stromboli: For me!

[picks up a hatchet]

Stromboli: And when you are growing too old, you will make good firewood!

[throws the hatchet into a stack of firewood that also contains a worn-out puppet]

Stromboli: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Pinocchio: Let me out of here! I'm gonna get out! You can't keep me...!

Stromboli: QUIET! Shut up before I *knock* you silly!

[blows a kiss]

Stromboli: Good night, my little wooden goldmine! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Lampwick: Huh! To hear that beetle talk you'd think somethin' was gonna happen to us.

[Donkey ears pop out of Lampwick's head; Pinocchio's eyes widen]

Lampwick: Conscience! Aw, phooey!

[a tail pops out of the seat of Lampwick's pants; Pinocchio puts down the cigar he has been smoking]

Lampwick: Wheres he get that stuff? "How do you ever expect to be a real boy?" What's he think I look like?

[Now his head is that of a donkey]

Lampwick: A jackass?

Pinocchio: You sure do! Ha-ha, Hee-haw!

Lampwick: [as Pinocchio covers his mouth shocked] Hey, you laugh like a donkey. Ha-ha Hee-haw!

[gasps]

Lampwick: Did that come outta me?

[Pinocchio nods; Lampwick starts feeling his face and notices the changes]

Lampwick: Oh!

[He raises his arms a little higher and notices his ears]

Lampwick: Huh? What the...

[noticing his tail]

Lampwick: What's going on?

[He looks in the mirror and sees that he is turning into a donkey]

Lampwick: AAAAHH! I've been double-crossed! Help! Help! Somebody, help! I've been framed! Help!

[Gets down on his knees and begs Pinocchio for help]

Lampwick: Please, you gotta help me. Be a pal! Call that beetle. Call anybody!

[Lampwick's hands turn into hooves]

Lampwick: Mama! Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

The Blue Fairy: Pinocchio, why didn't you go to school?

Jiminy Cricket: [Pinocchio looks up at him] Go ahead. Tell her.

Pinocchio: I was going to school 'til I met somebody.

The Blue Fairy: Met somebody?

Pinocchio: Yeah, two big monsters, with big green eyes!

[His nose grows a little]

Pinocchio: Why, I...

The Blue Fairy: Monsters? Weren't you afraid?

Pinocchio: No, ma'am, but they tied me in a big sack.

[His nose grows a little more and sprouts leaves]

The Blue Fairy: You don't say? And where was Sir Jiminy?

Pinocchio: Huh? Oh, Jiminy?

Pinocchio: [Jumps in front of Pinocchio] Psst! Leave me out of this.

Pinocchio: They put him in a little sack.

[His nose grows even more, taking Jiminy along with it]

The Blue Fairy: No!

Pinocchio: Yeah!

[His nose sprouts flowers]

The Blue Fairy: How did you escape?

Pinocchio: I didn't - they chopped me into firewood!

[His nose grows again, and a nest with baby birds sprouts at the end of it]

Pinocchio: Oh, look! My nose! What's happened?

The Blue Fairy: Perhaps you haven't been telling the truth, Pinocchio.

Jiminy Cricket: Perhaps?

Pinocchio: Oh, but I have! Every single word!

[the branch with the nest on his nose whithers, and the birds fly away, whistling]

Pinocchio: Life would be great if kids were more like us.

Scamboli: Hmm, you've got a good point Pinocchio. I couldn't agree with you more.

Geppetto: Now just be yourself at school. School bag. And listen to what your teacher says.

[the robot arm puts the backpack on Pinocchio]

Spencer: Calm down doc. Now remember chew your food ten times before you speak.

Pinocchio: But robots don't eat.

Geppetto: Don't mix them up with your sayings Spencer. Doesn't my son look good?

[Geppetto hugs Pinocchio]

Spencer: Say cheese.

[Spencer takes the picture with his digital camera eye]

Geppetto: Hurry you're going to be late.

[They walk out the front door outside]

Pinocchio: Bye dad.

[Pinocchio waves goodbye and walks to school with Spencer the Penguin]

Geppetto: My son in school.

House: You should be proud Mr. Geppetto.

La Volpe: [Describing his plan to swindle Pinocchio out of his gold coins] You'll find there a beautiful big oak tree, except instead of green leaves you'll see thousands of pieces of gold growing there.

Pinocchio: Oh how wonderful, but is it really true?

La Volpe: Why of course.

Il Gatto: Of course!

La Volpe: Of course it's true, do I look like someone who tells lies?

Il Gatto: Of course!

[Volpe hits him his cane]

Il Gatto: Ow!, I mean no, no, no!