Philo Swift Quotes in No Time for Comedy (1940)

Linda Paige Esterbrook: [Crying] I don't want to lose him!

[Gaylord]

Philo Swift: Well, I don't want to lose Amanda either, but for a totally different reason. I don't want to have my tombstone cluttered up with the names of my formally beloved wives - it leaves no room for the more important data.

Philo Swift: 'Gaylord Esterbrook'... seems to me I've heard or read that name someplace. What do you do?

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: I write plays.

Philo Swift: Er, yes, I have a hobby, too. What I meant was, what do you do for a living?

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: Write plays. Anything wrong?

Philo Swift: No, no; nothing, nothing. You'll pardon me, but it does seem a little trivial for a grown man.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: Well, perhaps I'll grow out of it. What do *you* do?

Philo Swift: I'm on Wall Street.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: Where's that?

Philo Swift: I don't know, but my chauffeur finds it every morning.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: After you get there, what do you do?

Philo Swift: Buy and sell stocks and bonds.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: Surely not for a living?

Philo Swift: And not a bad one. When stocks go up, I make a little money. When they go down, I make even more.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: That all you do?

Philo Swift: Well, yes!

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: Well, who knows; maybe you'll grow out of it, too.

[raises glass]

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook: Here's hoping!

Philo Swift: [about Linda making Mandy cry] You needn't feel so proud, I make her cry all the time. It usually ends up with me giving her a check.

Linda Paige Esterbrook: I didn't give her a check, I think I just gave her my husband.

Philo Swift: In my office we'd list that transaction as petty cash.