Philip Henslowe Quotes in Shakespeare in Love (1998)

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.

Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?

Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

Hugh Fennyman: How?

Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

Philip Henslowe: The show must... you know...

William Shakespeare: [prompting him] Go on!

[first lines]

Philip Henslowe: [screams in pain]

Hugh Fennyman: Henslowe! Do you know what happens to a man who doesn't pay his debts? His boots catch fire!

Philip Henslowe: [screams]

Hugh Fennyman: Why do you howl when it is I who am bitten?

Philip Henslowe: [Repeated line] I don't know. It's a mystery.

[about Marlowe's death in a tavern]

Ned Alleyn: A quarrel about the bill.

Philip Henslowe: The bill! Ah, vanity, vanity!

Ned Alleyn: Not the billing - the BILL!

Philip Henslowe: Let us have pirates, clowns, and a happy ending, or we shall send you back to Stratford to your wife!

Hugh Fennyman: How much is that, Mr Frees?

Frees: Twenty pounds to the penny, Mr. Fennyman.

Hugh Fennyman: Correct.

Philip Henslowe: But I have to pay the actors and the author.

Hugh Fennyman: Share of the profits.

Philip Henslowe: There's never any.

Hugh Fennyman: Of course not.

Philip Henslowe: Oh, oh, Mr. Fennyman. I think you might have hit upon something.

[on first hearing the tragic ending to Romeo and Juliet]

Philip Henslowe: Well, that would have them rolling in the aisles.

William Shakespeare: His name is Mercutio.

Ned Alleyn: What's the name of the play?

William Shakespeare: Mercutio.

Philip Henslowe: It is?

William Shakespeare: Shh!

Philip Henslowe: Will! Where is my play? Tell me you have it nearly done! Tell me you have it started.

[desperately]

Philip Henslowe: You have begun?

William Shakespeare: [struggling with his boots] Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move.

Philip Henslowe: No, no, we haven't the time. Talk prose.

Philip Henslowe: You see - comedy. Love, and a bit with a dog. That's what they want.

William Shakespeare: My muse, as always, is Aphrodite.

Philip Henslowe: Aphrodite Baggett, who does it behind the Dog and Crumpet?

Philip Henslowe: [jumping up onto a table] I need actors! Those of you who are unknown will have a chance to *be* known!

Tavern Patron: What about the money, Mr. Henslowe?

Philip Henslowe: It won't cost you a penny! Ha ha ha ha!

Philip Henslowe: I'm a dead man and buggered to boot!

Third Auditioneer: [after every auditioneer has recited "Faustus"] I would like to give you something from "Faustus."

Philip Henslowe: [exasperated] How refreshing!