Phil Weston Quotes in Kicking & Screaming (2005)


Phil Weston Quotes:

  • Phil Weston: I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.

  • Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.

    Beantown Employees: My name is Andy.

    Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.

  • Buck Weston: We've got balls!

    Phil Weston: And vitamins!

    Buck Weston: But mostly balls!

    Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]

    Phil Weston: AND VITAMINS!

  • Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.

  • Referee: Where do I know you from?

    Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!

    Referee: No, that ain't it.

    Phil Weston: That's definitely it!

    Referee: I'll figure it out.

  • Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.

  • Phil Weston: You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!


    Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!

    Mike Ditka: You're crazy!

    Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!

    Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!

    Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

  • Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!

    Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?

    [indicating Phil's smaller sedan]

    Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

  • Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.

    Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!

    Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

  • Phil Weston: Ambrose

    Ambrose: Yeah?

    Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

    Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

    Phil Weston: LIAR!

  • Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.

    [kid starts attacking him]

    Phil Weston: GET HIM OFF ME!

    [someone pulls kid off]

    Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!

  • Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.

    Gian Piero: Prima la carne.

    Massimo: Prima la carne.

    Phil Weston: What?

    Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!

    Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!

  • Ann Hogan: You ease up on him.

    Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.

  • Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong

    [waving hands, gesturing]

    Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?

    Phil Weston: What does that mean?

    Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.

    Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.

    Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?

    Phil Weston: Right, yeah...

    Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!

    Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.

  • Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] Now this is gonna be the hardest, most difficult thing you ever attempted in your entire life. But you know what, when it's over...

    Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...

    Mike Ditka: When it's over...

    Phil Weston: When it's over...

    Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions! My God, you're going to be champions!

    Phil Weston: Champions!

    Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

    Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'.

    The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!

    Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?

  • Barbara Weston: [trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you...

    Phil Weston: [crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?

  • Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?

    Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...

    Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.

    Phil Weston: A Half-caff!

    [to Sam]

    Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.

    Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.

    Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.

    Beantown Employees: Half-caff.

    Phil Weston: Thanks.

    [takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]

    Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!

    Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.

    Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...

    Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!

    Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!

  • [Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]

    Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

    Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!

    Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.

    Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?

    Phil Weston: I have no idea.

  • Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".

    [he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]

    Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.

    Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.

    Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.

    Barbara Weston: Who did that?

    Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.

    The Tigers: HE DID!

    Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!

    [the kids all descend upon him]

  • Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

    Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.

    [Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]

    Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

  • Phil Weston: So when i took over for Coach Benson...

    Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!

    [laughter from the party guests]

    Buck Weston: Yeah.

    Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.

    [more laughter]

    Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.


  • Phil Weston: OK, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.

  • Phil Weston: All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!

  • Phil Weston: What is that haunting aroma?

  • Phil Weston: Hey, I almost had you!

    Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

  • Phil Weston: [to Mark] How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

  • Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

    Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.


    Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?

    Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.

    Phil Weston: Oh, I see.


    Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.

    [realizing they are lesbians]

    Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

  • Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

    Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

    Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?

    Phil Weston: No, they're different.

    Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?

    Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.

    Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?

    Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!

    Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.

    [she walks off with Donna]

    Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

  • Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.

    Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.

    Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.

    Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?

    Byong Sun: No sir.

    Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.

    [Ambrose gives him a dirty look]

    Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.

  • Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

    [quick cut to Ditka house]

    Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?

    Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.

    Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?

    Phil Weston: No.

    Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.

    [lights a cigar]

    Diana Ditka: Mike?

    Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.

    [gives cigar to Phil]

    Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

    Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

    Diana Ditka: You should be.

    Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!

  • Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

    Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?

    Mike Ditka: C'mon!

    Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...

    Mike Ditka: '85.

    Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

    Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?

    Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!

  • Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.

    Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.

    Sam Weston: What?

    Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!

    Neighbor: Shut up out there!

    Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!

    [continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]

  • Neighbor: SHUT UP OUT THERE!

    Phil Weston: YOU SHUT UP IN THERE!

  • The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

    Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!

    Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.

    Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.

    [throws down his clipboard and walks off]

    Phil Weston: [picks it up] Can I have this?

    Phil Weston: Sure.

    Phil Weston: Alllllright!

  • Phil Weston: [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!

  • Phil Weston: [crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!

  • Phil Weston: [to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?

  • Phil Weston: Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?

    Barbara Weston: I am not a robot!

  • Mike Ditka: Did you just kick your son?

    Phil Weston: Yeah.

  • Phil Weston: [to Gian Piero and Massimo] Take the field. Taka the fielda.

  • Phil Weston: This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.

    Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

    Mike Ditka: Shut up!

  • [Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]

    Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!

    Barbara Weston: Hi!

    [hugs Janice]

    Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.

    [she kisses him]

    Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!

    Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

  • Phil Weston: [Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises] 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?

    [Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]

  • Sam Weston: You gotta lighten up.

    Phil Weston: He started it!

  • Phil Weston: Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!

    Buck Weston: Heh.

  • Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!

    Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

    Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

  • Phil Weston: Pizza at my house!

  • Phil Weston: [javelin drops just next to Barbara] Sorry. It's really windy!

    Barbara Weston: [catching her breath] No it's not.

    Phil Weston: It is over there.

  • Sam Weston: Why are you whispering?

    Phil Weston: For dramatic effect.

  • Phil Weston: You step on this field, this is all about you. I mean, I'm not gonna be the one, staying up late at night, you know, punching a hole through the window. Or crying myself to sleep. Or wetting my bed. Okay? That's not gonna be me, 'cause I'm fine, I got my vitamin store to go back to. I'm gonna be just great. I'm gonna be great!

  • Phil Weston: You either win, go on to greatness, or you lose, and probably face a series of cataclysmic events for the rest of your lives.

  • Phil Weston: Hey, you just were served a plate of humiliation. How does that feel?

  • Phil Weston: Losers! Losers! Losers!

  • Phil Weston: I'm not like my old man, I'm a KIND and compassionate human BEING, with a HEART as big as a LION!

  • Phil Weston: Okay guys, I only want winners out on the field. Who's a winner? I said WHO'S A WINNER? Everyone's hand should be up!

  • Phil Weston: My heart rate is dangerously high right now!

  • Referee: [replacing toupee on head] Very funny - alright, you all had a laugh?

    Phil Weston: Sorry about that.

    Forest Avery: Hey, how much do you think those things are?

    Phil Weston: I have no idea.

  • Forest Avery: Wow, what was that all about?

    Phil Weston: Here's all I heard. The ref said-

    [makes fart noise]

    Phil Weston: -and my dad said-

    [makes fart noise]

    Phil Weston: -then, the ref said-

    [makes fart noise]

    Phil Weston: Any more questions? Hit the road.

    [Forest awkwardly backs away]

Browse more character quotes from Kicking & Screaming (2005)