Peter Gaulke Quotes in Strange Wilderness (2008)

Peter Gaulke: [after being shown clip of an alligator attack] Luckily, we caught that on tape so that man will be honored.

Ed Lawson: You want to honor the man by showing him being killed by an alligator on your wildlife show?

Peter Gaulke: [doing voice-over] No matter how many sea lions are killed each year by sharks, it never seems like enough

Peter Gaulke: [narrating] Monkeys make up over 80% of the world's monkey population.

Peter Gaulke: [looking at napkin] This is it? Our entire voice-over for our show on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?

Fred Wolf: Yeah, we wrote it last night when we were at P.J. Mahoney's.

Peter Gaulke: [reading napkin] Bears are large and brown. Alright, come on. Not all bears are large. How about baby bears, huh? Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. No. It's the other way around. Jesus Christ Fred, come on. It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare. Right, that's got to be true, right? Alright, let's go with that one.

Peter Gaulke: Bears are a proud people, although they're not people per-say. They're animals. Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. Bears have been known to attack man, although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears than in all of World World I and World War II combined. Brown bears bloves fishing. Brown... Brown bears bloves... God, why am I having so much trouble saying brown...

Fred Wolf: Maybe it's the two b's in brown bears. Try something different.

Peter Gaulke: I got it. I'm ready. Okay. Red bears love fish.

Debbie: [walking into room] Pete, you're late for your meeting with Lawson down at KPIP.

Peter Gaulke: Deb, we're in the middle of a recording session. So every fucking thing you say is going down on tape.

Debbie: Oh, right, like you guys ever care about that crap?

Ed Lawson: [after showing clip of topless girls dancing around in front of a fake background] Now what the hell is that?

Peter Gaulke: It's the African wilderness. It's, uh, natives doing a war dance.

Ed Lawson: That's not Africa.

Peter Gaulke: Right, well, not totally. See, um, a lot of the women of the bush; they're not really that good looking. So we got these girls instead. They're from Long Beach.

Peter Gaulke: [upon seeing a monkey's balls] Those balls are sensational. To a lion, these balls are called a sack lunch.

Cheryl: You guys! I have been tracking you for hours! Why did you leave me back there?

Peter Gaulke: Well, we... we thought you ran off with Gus Hayden.

Cheryl: You really think I'd do that?

Fred Wolf: Yeah.

Cheryl: Gross! I'd want to fuck even you guys before I'd want to fuck him!

Whitaker: Hey, wait a minute. These are the fish that ate Dick, right?

Peter Gaulke, Cooker: Yeah!

Whitaker: Alright, so go with me here. If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?

Cooker: [after a long pause] What the fuck!

[everyone spits out the fish in disgust]

[first lines]

Peter Gaulke: [talking on phone] Look at my dad. He was the king. I mean, no matter what happened, I mean he was as cool as a cucumber. He never forgot a line, and he never let anything ruffle him. My dad was the king. No doubt. And his TV show ruled the ratings.

[lights up weed]

Peter Gaulke: What was that?

[coughs while getting high]

Peter Gaulke: Excuse me. It was a wildlife show called Strange Wilderness. Oh, you remember that? Do you remember my dad? Oh cool. Yeah, then he died and then I took over the show, then it went all to hell. I mean, I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all. I don't know. I don't know if it was like I wasn't bright enough, or I didn't work hard enough, or I used to smoke a lot of dope. So... um... no I quit. Yeah, totally. What happened to the show? At first, it was great. I had a really great crew, we were doing what we loved, but then... I don't know. Things got a little strange.

Fred Wolf: [while recording Peter] I hear that weird bubbling sound again.

Peter Gaulke: It's not bubbling.

Milas: Junior, I said knock it off!

Fred Wolf: [seeing smoke entering the shot] We got fog rolling in, man.

Peter Gaulke: It's not fog. Milas, can you help me out here?

Milas: For god's sake Junior, just sit the bong down!

Peter Gaulke: These birds are saying howdy to the zebra. Actually, they're not saying howdy. They're eating the shit out of him.

Peter Gaulke: I need you to take an inventory of everything's that left, okay? Go! Now!

Whitaker: [looking around] Uh, okay. We got one sleeping bag, so I think we're pretty much fucked.

Dick: That jungle is thick. I don't think anybody's even been in there. You know, you should quit now while you're alive.

Peter Gaulke: Nope. Not on my watch.

Peter Gaulke: Is that a thong you're wearing?

Cooker: What the fuck you say?

Peter Gaulke: You have a thong on?

Cooker: [laughing] Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.

Peter Gaulke: I should've never hired you!

Cooker: That's the most un-American thing I've ever heard in my life!

Peter Gaulke: [to wheelchair-bound Danny] Hey, why are you all up in my waist, man? You feeling froggy? Huh? Why don't you take a leap?

Danny Guiterrez: I can't. That's fucked up!

Peter Gaulke: [rejecting Whitaker during job interview] Well if you want, we could, eh, hire you, fire you, push you into a mud puddle and then you could keep this whole sad sack train chugging along.

Fred Wolf: [to Whitaker] Why don't you, eh, go make a Blues album?

Peter Gaulke: Yeah, you could call it 'Im a poor little sad sack'.

Bill Calhoun: Pierson may have the map and a three days head start, but that won't be enough.

[hands over a copy of the map]

Peter Gaulke: Thanks.

Bill Calhoun: Cause now you have the map and I'm gonna give you a little something extra. His name is Gus Hayden.

Peter Gaulke: You are shitting me! You know Bigfoot's name?

Peter Gaulke: Sharks are only found in two places on Earth: the northern and southern hemishperes.