Peter Bretter Quotes in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Rachel Jansen: [on the phone] Peter

Peter Bretter: Sarah?

Rachel Jansen: No, Rachel Jansen from the front desk whats going on up there, we're getting calls about a woman crying hysterically

Peter Bretter: Yeah, y'know,I hear it too, it sounds like she's having a tough time, I think its coming from the floor above me

Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.

Peter Bretter: I'll try to keep it down.

Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. You don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music. But instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Go see one anyway.

Sarah Marshall: [Peter can't perform in bed] What's wrong with you?

Peter Bretter: Nothing is *wrong* with me.

Sarah Marshall: Okay...

Peter Bretter: Just something doesn't feel right.

Sarah Marshall: Okay, well did you, you know what? Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink...

Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You're the goddamn devil!

Peter Bretter: Hey are you Chuck?

Surfing Instructor: Man they won't change that stupid flyer, Chuck's my mainland name, my Hawaiian names Koodu

Peter Bretter: Oh sorry

Surfing Instructor: Its cool, its all good

Peter Bretter: So does Koodu have some cool Hawaiian meaning?

Surfing Instructor: It means Chuck

Brian: You don't need to put your P in a V right now.

Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone's T's.

Aldous Snow: Awful bloody film. I say, it's just a ridiculous premise. What would happen if your mobile phone killed you? Why would a mobile phone kill anyone? Doesn't make sense. How can a mobile phone have an agenda and kill people...

Peter Bretter: I told her that when she read the script

Aldous Snow: Yeah, you were the voice of reason, mate.

Peter Bretter: I tried to be, but she didn't listen.

Aldous Snow: Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like doing murders.

Peter Bretter: Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?

Aldous Snow: Right. That's it. The battle's over.

Peter Bretter: Yeah, we've won.

Aldous Snow: I hated it.

Sarah Marshall: Well, it's not for everyone, but it...

Peter Bretter: No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favorite scene. Hello?

[Peter feigns death]

Aldous Snow: Right. I could never happen.

Sarah Marshall: It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.

Rachel Jansen: For society, how we're reliant on technology. I get it. I'm with you.

Aldous Snow: It's a metaphor for a crap movie.

Brian: You gotta get your shit together, man.

Peter Bretter: I'm trying to. It's so hard here. Brian, everywhere I look I'm reminded of her, okay? Like, she got me this, okay because I would always leave my cereal boxes open, and the cereal would get stale, and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh. And now I have the freshest cereal.

Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?

Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably.

Surfing Instructor: I once saw him beat a guy up with a starfish!

Peter Bretter: That's ridiculous.

Surfing Instructor: That guy was me.

Brian: Look. Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah. We think she's great. But, and I'm just being honest here, every time she would come over to our house, she always acted, you know, like a... like a little bitch. Okay, okay, okay, pump the brakes.

Peter Bretter: Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz, okay? Sarah is better than Liz!

Brian: You really want to have this conversation? Do you really want to have this conversation?

Peter Bretter: Yes.

Brian: [screaming] She is the mother of my unborn child!

Peter Bretter: [meekly] Sorry.

Brian: You're my step-brother! We're not even blood! I have no qualms with sticking you! I will equalize you!

Peter Bretter: Sorry.

Brian: You dick!

Kemo: [after Peter kills the luau pig] You can stop crying now. He's dead already.

Peter Bretter: I'm not crying. *You* should stop crying.

Kemo: I don't cry. I'm not a baby.

Peter Bretter: Really? Because you look like a gigantic baby. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that at all.

Peter Bretter: I'm having a good time with Rachel and I want to see that through.

Aldous Snow: Maybe you can have Rachel and Sarah,they got along alright at dinner.

Peter Bretter: I'm not that kind of guy and even if I was I don't think I have the sexual competency to pull that off.

Aldous Snow: Yeah its a gift.

Peter Bretter: How long have you been out here?

Surfing Instructor: I don't know, I quit wearing a watch when I moved out here

Peter Bretter: That is so cool

Surfing Instructor: My cell phone has a clock so I don't need it

Peter Bretter: Oh, so its basically the same thing

Peter Bretter: So how old are you?

Surfing Instructor: I don't really believe in age and numbers but if you had to put a number on it, I would say

[thinking]

Surfing Instructor: forty four, Fuck!

Peter Bretter: You shall not pass!

Gag Me Girl: Hi.

Peter Bretter: Hi.

Gag Me Girl: Hi.

Peter Bretter: Hi.

Gag Me Girl: Hi.

Peter Bretter: Can you stop doing that?

Gag Me Girl: Do you want to gag me?

Peter Bretter: You brought a gag?

Gag Me Girl: Yeah, and handcuffs. So do you wanna gag me?

Peter Bretter: Well, I kinda want to now.

Peter Bretter: Is she coming this way?

Rachel Jansen: Yep.

Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this fucking shirt.

Aldous Snow: Actually, Peter, I wanted to tell you, I was listening to Sarah's iPod the other day, and amidst the interminable dross that's on that thing, I found one track that I quite liked. So I checked what it was, and it was actually one of yours, and it kind of reminded me of a dark, gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.

Peter Bretter: That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.

Aldous Snow: Right, yeah.

Peter Bretter: [clearly disappointed] Fuck you're cool! It's so hard to say, because, like, I hate you in so many ways.

Peter Bretter: [He and Rachel are having sex as loudly as possible to annoy Sarah] She's having an orgasm!

Surfing Instructor: Aloha, man. My name's Koonu.

Peter Bretter: I know, we met duing the surf lesson!

Surfing Instructor: Oh right, you're that guy who works for Kaiser Permanente!

Peter Bretter: No, I'm Peter! We had a really nice talk out on the water!

Surfing Instructor: Oh.

[pause]

Surfing Instructor: Coooool.

Matthew: Hey, how's it going?

Peter Bretter: Hey, I'd like to grab some dinner, please.

Matthew: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?

Peter Bretter: No.

Matthew: Your girlfriend?

Peter Bretter: No, I don't have a girlfriend, so...

Matthew: [confused] You're just by yourself?

Peter Bretter: Yeah.

Matthew: Sucks. Okay, so just one. Here's your wine list, your menu, come on. You want, like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting by yourself.

Peter Bretter: No, I'll be alright. Thank you.

Matthew: I would just be *so* depressed.

Peter Bretter: [singing] Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. Peter you don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music, but instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing, go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Well go see one anyway. I'm not going!

Peter Bretter: How are things going with the lady?

Darald: Not awesome. She's complicated, like the Da Vinci Code, except harder to crack.

Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter: Came here to murder you

Peter Bretter: [laughs]

Peter Bretter: [to the married couple] Oh, wedding in Hawaii! Real original!

Peter Bretter: I can see why Sarah likes you.

Aldous Snow: No accounting for taste, I suppose, in her case, anyway.

Peter Bretter: Well, she was with me for five years, so there you go.

Aldous Snow: Yeah, you got four on me then, mate.

Peter Bretter: You slept with Sarah a year ago?

Aldous Snow: I thought you knew! Peter, please, don't take it seriously.

Peter Bretter: What the fuck, man! You...

Aldous Snow: Don't get offended by that.

Peter Bretter: You can't be so casual about this! This isn't Europe, okay? There are rules here!

Peter Bretter: [Drunk and waving a cocktail around at the hotel bar] I'm on Sex and the City..."Ahh, hi Miranda..." "Uhh, I'm Samantha... I have sex with everybody."

Mixer: Let's go with the usual stuff, something dark and ominous. Like losing your penis is a bad thing.

Peter Bretter: [sarcastically] Oh, you want dark and ominous.

Rachel Jansen: [about his rock opera] Why Dracula?

Peter Bretter: Because he's a man like anyone else. He just wants to be loved. And every time he gets close to a human woman, he ends up smothering and killing her, which is a feeling I am familiar with.

Peter Bretter: [Aldous has coral stuck in his leg] Koonu call the front desk now!

Surfing Instructor: Okay monster man.

Rachel Jansen: Why don't you press your feet up against the rock, and like shoot yourself off.

Peter Bretter: What, like a frog?

Rachel Jansen: I don't know Peter, just get off the fucking rock!

Peter Bretter: I wanna stand up before I leave.

Surfing Instructor: I don't think you're ready, man.

Peter Bretter: I'm ready to ride fucking giants, Koonu.

Surfing Instructor: I think you're ready.

Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on!

Peter Bretter: Oh, would you like to pick out the outfit that you break up with me in!

Brian: What's up with that hat... what are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?

Peter Bretter: This is a nice hat.

Brian: What member of the brat pack are you? You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.

Surfing Instructor: There's only one cure for pain like that.

Peter Bretter: What?

Surfing Instructor: Weed. Ya got any?

Peter Bretter: No.

Surfing Instructor: Well then let's just go surfing!

Peter Bretter: [flexing flabby pecs in mirror] Good for you Peter, good for you.

Peter Bretter: Oh, if they were Sean Jean sweatpants it would be no problem, but because they were Costco brand, it's the worst thing I could do.

Sarah Marshall: I need you to get hard, Pete.

Peter Bretter: I know what I'm supposed to do.

Kemo: Sarah Marshall.

Peter Bretter: Yes. How did you know I was dating Sarah Marshall?

Kemo: Dwayne told me. Chuck told me. Even Rachel told me. I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it. It's like "the Sopranos." It's *over*. Find a new show.

Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.

Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think for like a week, tops. Any more than that and I know that I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen: Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life.

Peter Bretter: Hi, can I have another Bloody Mary, please?

Female Bartender: You're still working on that one.

Peter Bretter: It's an anticipatory order.

Peter Bretter: [Trying to upstage Sarah] I'm not done yet!

Rachel Jansen: Shut up!

Peter Bretter: Okay.

Peter Bretter: [whispers] Are you sleeping?

Rachel Jansen: Not anymore.

Peter Bretter: I really enjoyed spending time with you

Rachel Jansen: Me too.

Peter Bretter: Maybe this is a sign from God that I should forget her.

Darald: Maybe this is a sign that you should be *with* her. I love her show. When they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it.

Peter Bretter: You're like one of those women from Flavor of Love. 'I'm gonna kill you.'

Peter Bretter: Its not all about you, you know. People come here not just to follow you.

Peter Bretter: [to Anne and her friend] I find you both sexually attractive.

Brian: Wrap it up.

Peter Bretter: [to Anne and her friend] I want to have sexual activity with either of you

[Anne begins laughing]

Peter Bretter: I just came out of a five year relationship so I'm not looking for anything serious, just sexual activity.

Brian: Pump the brakes.

Peter Bretter: [to Anne's friend] You wanna come home with me

[to Anne]

Peter Bretter: You wanna come home with me?

Ann at the Bar: [laughing] You're cracking me up!

Rachel Jansen: I thought I told you to stay on your island!

Ray: The deal was off April 9th.

Rachel Jansen: Well the deal's back on!

Ray: You think you're the chief of this island! I'm the chief of this island!

Peter Bretter: I know his friend, let me handle it

Rachel Jansen: Fine.

Peter Bretter: Hey man you remember me?

Helpful Hawaiian Waiter: The cocktail guy

[He punches Peter]

Kemo: Ray what are you doing here?

[Ray backhands him, Kemo backhands him back]