Pete Quotes in RocknRolla (2008)

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Pete Quotes:

  • Johnny Quid: You see that pack of Virginia killing sticks on the end of the piano?

    Pete: Yes.

    Johnny Quid: All you need to know about life is retained in those four walls. You will notice that one of your personalities is seduced by the illusions of grandeur: the gold packet of king-size with a regal insignia, an attractive implication towards glamour and wealth, the subtle suggestion that cigarettes are indeed your royal and loyal friends - and that, Pete, is a lie. Your other personality is trying to draw your attention to the flip side of the discussion: written in boring bold black and white, it's a statement that these neat little soldiers of death are in fact trying to kill you - and that, Pete, is the truth. Oh, beauty is a beguiling call to death and I'm addicted to the sweet pitch of its siren. That that starts sweet ends bitter, and that which starts bitter ends sweet. THAT is why you and I love the drugs and that is also why I cannot give that painting back. Now please, pass me a light.

    Pete: Oh, you are something special, Mr. Johnny Quid.

  • Pete: I'm sorry. I thought you might've liked a bit of company.

    Johnny Quid: I'm dead, Pete. What does that tell you? It tells you that dead people don't like company.

  • Johnny Quid: Did he ever interfere with you? You know, touch you inappropriately?

    Pete: He tickled me, if that's what you mean.

    Johnny Quid: You see in psychological circles there's a technical term for that scenario.

    Pete: There is?

    Johnny Quid: Monsteroustickalotis.

    Pete: You what?

    Johnny Quid: Your dad was a tickling monster.

  • Old Man at Bar: [Johnny Quid takes Old Man's drink and swigs] Oi, that's my drink.

    Pete: Fuck you, sing-along.

    [Johnny Quid gives the Old Man the finger]

    Pete: You're no help, and stop calling me Pedro.

    [Old Man grabs bottle to fight]

    Johnny Quid: [Johnny Quid turns to face him, crazy-eyed] Come on then, boy. I'll have you and your girlfriends. I'll do the lot of yas.

    [Johnny Quid points a sharpened pencil at the Old Man]

    Johnny Quid: Do I not look like a pothouse? Six foot down the bar. Go on, jog on, walk on, goodbye, bon voyage, fuck off.

    [Group of old men turn away]

    Johnny Quid: Was I good or what, Pete?

    Pete: Yeah.

    Johnny Quid: It's all in the eyes. Junkies, I shit them.

  • Pete: My dad used to make me watch Bonanza every Sunday after church.

    Johnny Quid: Well, that's got to have done some damage. All those guns, nuns, and cowboys.

    Pete: You think?... It wasn't all bad. He sometimes made me laugh, too.

  • Natalie: I have to go. I can't explain now but will you call me tomorrow?

    Pete: Sure.

    [Natalie runs off. Runs back, kisses him and runs off again. Pete turns to the bouncers]

    Bouncer: Oh, you bad!

    Bouncer: Yeah, you bad!

    Pete: Finally you guys warm up a little.

  • Pete: I'll get tickets.

    Natalie: I love tickets!

  • [Vivian Wood steals Natalie's cell phone from her while she's talking to her friend Pete]

    Vivian Wood: Is this the famous Charlie?

    Pete: No, this is Pete.

  • Bouncer: Hey you! You wanna dance on stage?

    NataliePete: Us? Yeah!

    Bouncer: No. Stage is for the ladies.

    Natalie: Oh, then you know what? I'm just gonna find a place on the floor.

    Pete: [to bouncer] Wait a minute!

    [to Natalie]

    Pete: This is like Soul Train's highest honor, I am NOT gonna sit here and let you NOT go up there so yeah, she'll go.

    Natalie: Really? Cause I've always wanted to go up there.

    Pete: Have a great time!

    Natalie: See you in a minute!

  • Matt Eckert: Hey! Hey, Pete!

    [gives Pete the middle finger]

    Pete: It's the Wolverines...!

    [Pete is blown up by a bomb]

  • Gary: Everybody out, now! Let's go!

    Principal Thomas Walker: What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?

    Gary: There's another tornado heading this way

    Principal Thomas Walker: And you want us to go outside?

    Gary: You don't understand.

    Allison: Yes you have to.

    Principal Thomas Walker: This is a storm shelter for Christ's sake.

    Pete: Not for this

    Allison: Will you please believe us. We have been out there and we know what this thing can do.

    Principal Thomas Walker: I am not going to risk having hundreds of dead people...

    Gary: You will have hundreds of dead people if you stay here.

    Allison: Sir. I have been studying storms all my life, alright? This one is bigger than any one that has ever been. Do you hear that? It will flatten this building in seconds.

    Gary: With or without you, we're getting these people onto those busses right now.

  • Pete: [on the phone] It's going to be big.

    [pauses]

    Pete: I don't know how big. They're tornadoes, they don't do courtesy calls.

  • Pete: Great, we missed another one.

    [into the radio mic]

    Pete: Hey you guys know the point of this documentary is to actually film a tornado, right?

    Daryl: [answering on the radio] 10-4.

    Jacob: We need a tornado.

    Pete: We need a tornado. When's the last time we saw one?

    Lucas: That EF-4 that we shot for the Weather Channel last year.

    Pete: Oh, so that makes us zero-for-365. What does that make our average? Jacob, you play baseball, right?

    Jacob: Hockey, actually.

    Lucas: Really? I play lacrosse, man.

    Jacob: Really? No way.

    Pete: [laughing sarcastically] This is fun, just like a family road trip.

    Jacob: Did I miss something?

    Pete: No Jacob, you miss... everything. Although we do have four hundred hours of clouds and sunsets and us going to every drive-in from Idaho to Texas, which makes this the most expensive home movie ever.

    Jacob: Just to be clear, we still get paid whether we see a tornado or not, right?... Right?

  • Soren: With the peace restored, it was time for celebration, and recognition that our small band of owls, who fate and a storm had blown into the Tree, now stood before its king and queen as young Guardians. Ready finally, with all their hearts, to take that ancient oath: To mend those who are broken, to make strong the weak, and without hesitation, vanquish the evil. For as we know, Nyra escaped. And Kludd? Well, Kludd was never found. Should I stop?

    Pete: What? Please, don't stop!

    Soren: I don't wanna give anyone daymares.

    Pete: Aw, come on. There must be more! There must be!

  • [Julie hits Pete across the head]

    Julie: Nice job.

    Pete: Okay, I really did not like that at all, all right? Let me just explain somethin'. I was blending.

    Julie: You just blended your ass right out of the club, man

    Pete: Oh, come on! They're gonna let me back in the club.

    Julie: Oh no, I believe the words were "you're gone for-f*cking-ever." Greer's gonna kick your ass

    Pete: Hey you know what? Eat me.

    Julie: Come on. Lets go. You wanna lose another fight, Petey?

    Pete: No. Who was the guy that you were talkin' to all night?

    Julie: What guy?

    Pete: Yeah, "what guy." What guy?

    Linc: A suspect?

    Julie: What? No. I don't even know what he's talkin' about. God, how could you see anything? You had your head buried in a pair of tits all night.

    Pete: I could see things because I got eyes behind my head, all right? Julie's got a boyfriend. Julie's got...

    Julie: Please grow up!

    Pete: Let's all together, in harmony.

  • Pete: Man this job sucks.

    Linc: Beats jail.

    Julie: A deal's a deal.

  • [repeated line]

    Pete: Yeah, Bob!

  • Det. Tricky: Hey ma mere. Where you going with that fine little ass baby? Why don't ya get out on the street earn a real living huh, start hustling (laughing)

    Julie: What?

    Det. Tricky: She digs me. You have your hall pass young lady?

    Julie: Yeah you wanna see my hall pass?

    Det. Tricky: Yeah and I wanna see you in detention.

    Pete: Hey hey, why do you have to be such a pussy huh, leave her alone alright.

    Det. Tricky: Who are you calling a pussy? Pussy!

  • Pete: Nothing hurts as much as you think it will. You go numb... then you wrap your belt around your wrist and get to the nearest hospital.

  • Dominic: Tiny? The guy... this Peter. Peter is it, yeah? Peter. This guy, Peter. If he even moves, put a hole in the back of his bald head.

    Pete: Jack, you better hope he kills me.

  • Benny Hayes: Is it true?

    Pete: What?

    Benny Hayes: That you're on your way out, too?

    Pete: You think this bald is a fashion statement. Cancer.

  • Pete: [on phone] This is Pete Cockrell. I want to talk to Chalky.

    Mr. T: This is T. Chalky's dead - now I'm coming to get your honky ass!

  • Pete: This is Pete Cockrell. I want to talk to Chalky.

    Mr. T: This is T. Chalky's dead. Now I'm coming to get your honky ass!

  • Lily: Well, I'm Lil Stevens, the new entertainer from Chicago. Right now I'd like to sleep.

    Pete: Oh. The new equipment.

  • Pete: Now, baby, I'm not trying to rush you.

    Lily: [Slaps his face] Silly boy!

  • Natalie: [looking at Pete's drawing of Elliot] He looks like a dragon.

    Pete: What's a dragon?

  • Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote.

    Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.

    [Everett and Pete look at Delmar for the deciding vote]

    Delmar O'Donnell: Okay... I'm with you fellas.

  • Pete: You miserable little snake! You stole from my kin!

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Who was fixin' to betray us.

    Pete: You didn't know that at the time.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: So I borrowed it until I did know.

    Pete: That don't make no sense!

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.

  • Pete: I've always wondered, what's the devil look like?

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork.

    Tommy Johnson: Oh, no. No, sir. He's white, as white as you folks, with empty eyes and a big hollow voice. He likes to travel around with a mean old hound. That's right.

  • Pete: Well I'll be a sonofabitch. Delmar's been saved.

    Delmar O'Donnell: Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed. The preacher's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Delmar, what are you talking about? We've got bigger fish to fry.

    Delmar O'Donnell: The preacher says all my sins is warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: I thought you said you was innocent of those charges?

    Delmar O'Donnell: Well I was lyin'. And the preacher says that that sin's been warshed away too. Neither God nor man's got nothin' on me now. C'mon in boys, the water is fine.

  • Pete: The Preacher said it absolved us.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: For him, not for the law. I'm surprised at you, Pete, I gave you credit for more brains than Delmar.

    Delmar O'Donnell: But they was witnesses that seen us redeemed.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: That's not the issue Delmar. Even if that did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi's a little more hard-nosed.

    [laughs]

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Baptism! You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers!

  • Ulysses Everett McGill: The treasure is still there boys, believe me.

    Delmar O'Donnell: But how'd he know about the treasure?

    Ulysses Everett McGill: I don't know Delmar. The blind are reputed to possess sensitivities compensating for their lack of sight, even to the point of developing paranormal psychic powers. Now, clearly seeing into the future would fall into neatly into that category; its not so surprising then that an organism deprived of its earthly vision...

    Pete: He said we wouldn't get get it. He said we wouldn't get the treasure we seek on account of our ob-stac-les.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Well what the hell does he know, he's just an ignorant old man?

  • [singing]

    Ulysses Everett McGill: I am a man of constant sorrow, I've seen trouble all my days. I bid farewell to old Kentucky, the place where I was born and raised.

    Delmar O'DonnellPete: The place where he was born and raised.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: For six long years I've been in trouble, no pleasure here on Earth I've found. For in this world I'm bound to ramble, I have no friends to help me out.

    Delmar O'DonnellPete: He has no friends to help him out.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger, my face you never will see no more. But there is one promise that is given, I'll meet you on God's golden shore.

    Delmar O'DonnellPete: He'll meet you on God's golden shore.

  • Pete: Well hell, it ain't square one! Ain't nobody gonna pick up three filthy, unshaved hitch-hikers, and one of them a know-it-all that can't keep his trap shut.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope.

    Delmar O'Donnell: Yeah, look at me.

  • Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete's cousin turned us in for the bounty.

    Pete: The hell you say! Wash is kin!

    Washington Hogwallop: Sorry, Pete, I know we're kin, but they got this depression on. I got to do for me and mine.

    Pete: I'm gonna kill you, Judas Iscariot Hogwallop!

  • Ulysses Everett McGill: Ain't you gonna introduce us, Pete?

    Pete: I don't know their names. I seen 'em first!

  • Delmar O'Donnell: We thought you was a toad!

    Pete: What?

    Delmar O'Donnell: [leaning in, speaking slower] We thought you was a toad!

  • Pete: Do not seek the treasure!

  • Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, I guess hard times flush the chump. Everybody's lookin' for answers... Where the hell's he goin'?

    [as Delmar runs out to be baptized]

    Pete: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. Delmar's been saved!

  • Pete: You ruined my life!

    [while being choked]

    Ulysses Everett McGill: I do apologize about that Pete.

  • Pete: Crazy! No one's ever gonna believe we're a real band.

    Ulysses Everett McGill: No, it's gonna work. I just gotta get close enough to talk to her. Takin' off with us has got more future than marryin' a guy named Waldrip. I'm Goddamned bona fide!

    Delmar O'Donnell: Everett, my beard itches.

  • Pete: Since we been followin' your lead, we ain't got nothing but trouble.

  • Pete: My pa always said "Never trust a Hogwallop!"

  • Ulysses Everett McGill: The old tactician has got a plan. For the transportation that is, I don't know how I'm gonna keep my coiffure in order.

    Pete: How's this a plan? How we gonna get a car?

    Ulysses Everett McGill: Sell that. I figure it can only have painful association for Wash.

    Pete: [reading] "To Washington Bartholomew Hogwallop, from his loving Cora. Amor Fidel... is."

    Ulysses Everett McGill: It was in his bureau. I figure it'll fetch us enough cash for a good used auto-voiture, and a little left over besides.

  • Pete: I can't sell you Elliot. I don't own him.

    Hoagy: Well what did you do, rent him?

    Dr. Terminus: Well who owns him?

    Pete: No one, I guess. He just sort of goes to those who need him.

    Dr. Terminus: *I* need him! Look deliver Elliot to me and the fiver is yours plus a special growth formula that's guaranteed to bring on puberty about a year early... and that's better than a dragon, eh?

  • Pete: Where's Elliott?

    Lena Gogan: [comes out of the closet behind him and grabs him and messes up his hair] Nowhere! Your hokey pokey dragon is out helpin' Santa Claus pull his sled! Boys!

    Pete: Let me go!

    [Willie and Grover lift him up by his legs and Pete pounds on them and tries to get free]

    Lena Gogan: You're never gonna get away again! We're gonna put chains on ya when you're workin'!

    Merle: And when you're not workin'!

    Willie: And when you're sleepin'!

  • Pete: [Pete, Nora, and Lampie are lobster fishing] I got one! I got one!

    [pulls lobster out of the crate and holds it up]

    Pete: Ugh, it's UGLY!

  • Nora: Where did you get that bruise?

    Pete: Mr. Gogan. I was milking the cow and I missed the bucket.

  • Pete: Since we're all being palsy-walsy, how about letting me hook up the RV?

    Goofy: Well...

    Pete: Oh, it's just a tiny little extension cord, you won't even notice it.

    Goofy: Oh, okay.

    Pete: Great. P.J.!

    [P.J. comes hauling a huge extension cord]

    Pete: Hey, Goof, why don't you order us a pizza? This could take a while.

  • [Goofy and Pete settle into a hot tub at a motel]

    Pete: So, uh, you and your son seem to be getting along just hunky-dorey, huh?

    Goofy: Yeah, it's been great. You know, it's funny, but none of your techniques worked for me. The harder I tried the worse it got. Once I eased up, things just clicked.

    Pete: Oh, that's swell. So, uh, no problems then, huh?

    Goofy: Not a one.

    Pete: [sighs] I... I just hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, uh...

    Goofy: What is it, Pete?

    Pete: Your kid's dupin' ya.

    Goofy: What do you mean?

    Pete: Well, I heard the little mutant telling PJ that he changed the map so... you're headin' straight to L.A., pal.

    Goofy: [shocked] What?

    Pete: Oh, you tried, Goof. He's just a bad kid, that's all.

    Goofy: I don't believe you.

    Pete: What?

    Goofy: I don't believe you, Pete.

    Pete: Well, hey, don't take my word for it. Check your map.

    Goofy: I don't need to check the map. I trust my son.

    [Goofy climbs out of the tub]

    Goofy: You know, maybe Max isn't all the things that you think a son should be, but... he loves me.

    Pete: [irritably] Hey, *my* son *respects* me.

    Goofy: Yeah...

    [Goofy leaves]

    Pete: [calling after him] Check the map, Goof!

  • Pete: Taking a break from the MTV Generation, eh? I can't say I blame you.

    [jumps into the spa]

    Pete: People are always putting too much water in these things.

  • Pete: If you keep 'em under your thumb, they'll never end up in the gutter.

  • Chance: What's got eight legs, no brains, spins around and screams like a baby?

    Pete: I don't know, what?

    Chance: [rolls tunnel over] You guys.

  • Ashcan: Oh great! You missed them!

    Pete: You missed them?

    Ashcan: Ah shut up!

  • Ashcan: This is all your fault.

    Pete: This is all your fault?

    Ashcan: Ah shut up.

  • Pete: Hey, I tell you what is. Big city, hmm? Live, work, huh? But not city only. Only peoples. Peoples is peoples. No is buildings. Is tomatoes, huh? Is peoples, is dancing, is music, is potatoes. So, peoples is peoples. Okay?

  • Rizzo the Rat: What's this supposed to be?

    Pete: Is grits! Grits! Hominy grits!

    Rizzo the Rat: How should I know how many? Count 'em yourself.

  • Pete: Rats want job. Frog want job. What next, penguins?

    [a group of penguins peek through the door]

    Penguin: Do you have any jobs available?

    Pete, Kermit, and the Rats: No!

    Penguin: Well, excuse us for living!

  • Kermit the Frog: May I see a menu, please?

    Pete: [Hands Kermit a menu] Is special today: Yankee bean soup... with spoon.

  • Captain Blythe: Now How did you want to handle that?

    D.J.: You mean pay for it?

    Captain Blythe: Or did you plan to, uh, reassemble the stemware yourself?

    Pete: It's not our responsiblity.

    Captain Blythe: I'm your captain, judge and jury. I'll decide what's your responsiblity!

    Chief Steward: Captain.

    Captain Blythe: Hmm. The, uh, the cargo manifest states unequivocally that you, Peter Stancheck, are the sole owner of the car. You are the consignor and the consignee. Your car did the damage, ergo...

    D.J.: Yeah, but Peter wasn't driving...

    Captain Blythe: Start! I, uh, I have been advised by our public relations department to waive all charges of kidnapping. And smuggling illegal aliens into a foreign country.

    Pete: Where's that kid, anyway?

    Captain Blythe: In the storeroom, where he'll remain until the ship reaches Panama, at which time he will be turned over to the port authorities and returned to his native country. In the meantime, your automobile will be impounded until your obligations are met.

    Chief Steward: Captain.

    Captain Blythe: Uh, gentlemen. I do hope you've been enjoying the cruise so far. Remember, we have a shuffleboard tournament on main deck at four bells... And, uh, disco lessons in the lounge at six bells.

    Pete: Thanks, anyway.

  • Pete: I've never seen so many people.

    John Thornton: And more are coming all the time. I tell ya, Pete, if this is the promised land, I'll take the open trail.

  • [the 1980s - Pete has grown up dealing cocaine. He arrives at a recording studio]

    Pete: [Slamming down briefcase full of cocaine on table] Pizza man! We deliver!

    Musician: You got the coke, daddy-o?

    Pete: What do I look like, man? A soda fountain?

    Musician: Hey, what else you got there?

    Pete: Songs.

    Musician: You scorin' songs now too?

    Pete: Givin' 'em away, a song an ounce.

    Musician: By who?

    Pete: Me!

    Musician: You can keep the songs, man.

    Pete: I will keep the coke too!

  • Jerry Ceppos: He said he never spoke to you.

    Gary Webb: You kidding me? I was in Managua for three days, you know this.

    Anna Simons: No, I know you were in Managua.

    Pete: He said you never got inside the prison. He said he never saw you.

    Gary Webb: Well there were five hundred other people who did.

    Jerry Ceppos: Yeah, but can you prove it?

    Gary Webb: What, you mean, like did I bring home a t-shirt from the prison gift shop?

  • Pete: Well, you know what my dad always said, Having dreams is what makes life tolerable.

  • Pete: Hey, you were a pretty big Notre Dame fan!

    Frank: Yeah, and I used to collect baseball cards too!

  • Paul McCartney: [Paul strums Banjo softy]

    John: What is this?Fucking group practice?I don't think so.

    Pete: John it's your mum's!

    John: She's fucking dead!

    [headbutts pete and storms out]

  • Capt. Schwabe: Lewis? How's it going? Says here you were shot in the ashcan.

    Pete: Not bad, sir. Could have been a howitzer.

  • Pete: [looking at Sheila] Do you know her?

    Bill: Yeah, I know her. Half the guys on the island know her.

    Pete: Well, listen, I'm just passing through, but how about a little introduction?

    Bill: Pete, do you remember the football game we played with Navy back in ...

    Pete: Don't change the subject, just introduce ...

    Bill: Not changing the subject! What was the score?

    Pete: Nothing to nothing. There was no score.

    Bill: THAT is my point! She's a writer for a magazine back in the States. She writes how everyone should give their all to the servicemen. She just doesn't practice what she preaches, that's all.

  • Pete: It's four in the fucking morning!

    Shaun: It's Saturday!

    Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY?

    Ed: Fuck, yeah!

  • Ed: What happened to your hand, man?

    Pete: I got mugged on the way home.

    Ed: By who?

    Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.

    Ed: Why'd they bite you?

    Pete: I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip hop isn't helping. And the front door is open... AGAIN!

    Ed: It's not hip hop, it's Electro. Prick... Next time I see him, he's dead.

  • Shaun: [about Ed] I've known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he's a laugh.

    Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo!

    Shaun: Oh, leave him alone.

    Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple Schnappes and playing Tekken 2.

    Shaun: Oh yeah.

    [laughing]

    Shaun: When was that?

    Pete: [laughing] That was five years ago. When's he going home?

  • Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You've sold puff.

    Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.

  • [on leaving the front door open]

    Pete: Now, I'm not saying it was you.

    Shaun: I know, man...

    Pete: I'm saying it was Ed.

    Shaun: Right.

  • Brian: You fucked my girlfriend, dude!

    Pete: One time... for a week.

  • Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

  • Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.

    Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?

  • Pete: Never do what they did.

    Charlotte: I'm gonna do it...

    Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.

  • Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.

    Pete: Who needs a time machine?

  • Pete: [quoting Back to the Future] Where we're going we don't need roads.

  • Jonah: We got pinkeye.

    Ben Stone: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?

    Jason: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.

    Jay: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.

    Pete: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?

    Jonah: Totally!

    Pete: That's awesome!

    Jonah: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?

    Martin: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.

  • Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.

  • Pete: You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.

  • Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.

  • Pete: [to Ben Stone] Marriage is like that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but its not funny. All the problems are the same, but

    [pause]

    Pete: you know instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense.

  • Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?

    Pete: I went to the movies.

    Debbie: With who?

    Pete: By myself.

    Debbie: What'd you see?

    Pete: Spider-Man 3.

    Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?

    Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.

    Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.

    [Debbie holds back tears]

    Debbie: You're not the only one.

    Pete: It's not that big of a deal.

    Debbie: I like Spider-Man.

    Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.

    Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.

    Pete: Well...

    Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.

    Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?

    Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.

    Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...

    Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.

    Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.

    Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?

    Pete: Come on.

  • Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.

  • Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.

    Ben Stone: That's sad.

    Pete: Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.

  • Pete: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.

    Ben Stone: That's way too many chairs for one room!

  • Pete: You mean like Mr. Skin?

    Ben Stone: Who's Mr. Skin?

    Pete: You know, Mr. Skin...

  • Pete: [high on 'shrooms] Did you know there's a guy whose sole job is to find chairs for these hotel rooms?

    Ben Stone: Please take the chairs away.

    Pete: Like this one! It's red with gold stripes and -

    [sits]

    Pete: oh, this one is amazing!

    Ben Stone: Please take the chairs away. I don't like them. The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll.

  • Pete: I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88.

    Ben Stone: [Mimicks car noise] VRRROOOOM

  • Pete: Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid and all your dreams and hopes just go right out the window?

  • Debbie: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis?

    Pete: I think it's Matisyahu.

  • Pete: He puts his dick in your mouth while you were asleep, bitch!

    Assjuice: Uh-uh, I wasn't asleep.

  • Pete: Do you think maybe we've gone too far? I'm a child of divorce and I sympathize with them.

    Teddy Sanders: My parents love each other, and I think it's hilarious.

  • Teddy Sanders: We're throwing a Robert De Niro party.

    Pete: You call the cops, you violate the circle of trust, Focker.

    Mac Radner: Who are you?

    Garf: I'm Sam Jackson from Jackie Brown.

    Scoonie: [pause] Hoah!

    Garf: Hooah!

    Kelly Radner: That's actually Al Pacino.

    Garf: The Path of the righteous man.

    Mac Radner: That's the wrong Sam Jackson speech.

  • Pete: Bros before hoes

    Pete: Junk before Trunk

    Teddy Sanders: Balls before dolls

    Pete: Padres before I sleep with two Madres

    Teddy Sanders: Brad Pitt before Grab Glit

    Pete: These nuts before skinny sl***

    Teddy Sanders: M********* before ask her to date

    Pete: Beef stew before watching The View

    Teddy Sanders: Male erection before One Direction

    Pete: Mario and Luigi before Thelma and Laweezie

    Teddy Sanders: Bert and Ernie before Squirt and Spermy

    Pete: Man purses before regular purses

    Teddy Sanders: Sports before genital warts

    Pete: John Madden before Jasmine from Aladdin

  • Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?

    Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.

    Pete: In fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?

    Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

    Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

  • Pete: One, two, three, four, five new ones. NOW can I have one?

    Billy Peltzer: I don't know, Pete.

    Pete: Hey, look! That one's got a cute little stripe on its head. Hey, cutie.

    [Pete attempts to pet the baby mogwai, who, in response, snarls and attempts to bite Pete]

  • Ronnie: [Referring to Graham Parker video they are viewing] What are you doing?

    Cat: I'm contextualizing him as one of the great figures in rock history.

    Ronnie: You can't show him in his prime in '77 and then jump straight to him as he is now. It's terrifying. You have to reverse it. You have got to show him as he is now, very briefly, and then show him in 1977. You have got to Benjamin Button it.

    Cat: I don't know what you're talking about. All rock stars are older now. Steven Tyler, David Bowie, Mick Jagger...

    Pete: Paul McCartney.

    Ronnie: Okay, stop it. Everybody that you are mentioning looks like an old woman now. You're just mentioning a bunch of Jessica Tandys. Keith Richards gets away with it, but that's because Keith Richards looked 70 when he was 40. And now that he's 70 he looks 69. He's regenerating.

  • Pete: Don't talk to me about responsibilities. I have a life. I have a family. I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting high, jerking off, and then going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at three o'clock in the morning.

    Ronnie: That's not even the order that happens in!

  • Sadie: I don't make fun of your stupid Mad Men!

    Pete: First of all, I don't get worked up over Mad Men.

    Sadie: That's because Mad Men sucks!

    Pete: What Don Draper has gone through beats whatever Jack is running from on some fucking island.

    Sadie: A bunch of people smoking in an office, it's stupid!

  • Graham Parker: Got a bit of a problem. Touch of gout.

    Pete: Gout?

    Graham Parker: Yeah, my whole family, they all had gout.

    Pete: Jesus.

    Ronnie: That's very unfortunate.

    Graham Parker: My auntie Queenie, she had a foot like the size of a small pig. I've got a photo of it.

    Ronnie: I'd love to see that photo of that gout foot.

    Graham Parker: A couple of bunions as well.

    Ronnie: Fuck.

  • Debbie: Who goes to the bathroom for a half hour?

    Pete: John Goodman.

  • Pete: Snitches end up in ditches!

  • Pete: We had sex the other night. You should give me some credit for that.

    Debbie: It's not about credit.

  • Barton Fink: Have you read the Bible, Pete?

    Pete: Holy Bible?

    Barton Fink: Yeah.

    Pete: Yeah, I think so. Anyway, I've heard about it.

  • [from trailer]

    Pete: You brought your guitar.

    Ricki: Yeah, just the one

  • [to Julie]

    Pete: Don't kill yourself in there.

  • Pete: [looking at a family portrait] We were pretty damn cute as a family.

  • Pete: I thought we were your dream.

    Ricki: I can't have two dreams.

  • Pete: Sigma, come. Come.

    [Sigma doesn't move]

    Pete: [to Linda] I trained her myself.

  • Narrator: Only 600 miles to the south, there's a vast city. And here you find civilized man. Civilized man refused to adapt himself to his environment; instead, he adapted his environment to suit him. So he built cities, roads, vehicles, machinery, and he put up power lines to run his labour-saving devices. But somehow he didn't know where to stop. The more he improved his surroundings to make life easier, the more complicated he made it. So now his children are sentenced to 10-15 years of school, just to learn how to survive in this complex and hazardous habitat they were born into. And civilized man, who refused to adapt to his surroundings, now finds he has to adapt and re-adapt every hour of the day to his self-created environment. For instance, if it's Monday and 7:30 comes up, you have to dis-adapt from your domestic surroundings and re-adapt yourself to an entirely different environment. 8:00 means everybody has to look busy. 10:30 means you can stop looking busy for 15 minutes. And then you have to look busy again. And so your day is chopped into pieces, and in each segment of time you adapt to a new set circumstances. No wonder some people go off the rails a bit...

    [Kate looks for a place to have her lunch]

    Kate Thompson: [to a woman] Is this seat taken?

    [the woman moves over and Kate takes a seat]

    Woman in the lunchroom: Does the noise in my head bother you?

    Kate Thompson: No...

    [Later, Kate finds Pete]

    Kate Thompson: Still got that story about the teacher shortage in Botswana?

    Pete: Yeah, you gonna use it?

    Kate Thompson: No. Maybe they can use me.

    Narrator: But in the Kalahari, it's always Tuesday, or Thursday if you like, or Sunday. No clocks or calendars tell you to do this or that.

  • Connor: Hey buddy, you know what the homeless need? A midget.

    Pete: Why would the homeless need a midget?

    Connor: Dude, shut up!

  • Connor: You are not going over there.

    Danielle: Well I wasn't. Now I am. Later.

    Pete: Hey man, she just dissed you.

    Connor: Dude! Shut up!

  • Connor: Oh, what? You're impressed because this guy showed up on a horse?

    Danielle: No, I'm impressed because he showed up for me.

    [to Dizzy]

    Danielle: Let's go.

    Pete: She just dissed you again.

    Connor: Dude, do you *ever* shut up?

  • Lanie: Oh, and if you had a week to live, what would you do?

    Pete: I would, you know - I'd have sex with you.

    Lanie: See...

    Pete: Look, you know what? I don't know. If I was gonna die in a week, I would - I'd try and live every moment. I would go to see the people that mean the most to me, and I would try and memorize their face. And I would say to them all the things that I wanted to say, but have always been too afraid to.

  • Pete: Do you have another cameraman who can make her look like a natural blonde?

    Lanie: I'm a TV personality. My hair is my trademark. Just like the "I don't like to shower" look is your trademark.

  • Pete: Did you ever hear the saying, "A picture holds a thousand words."

    Lanie: That's only for people like you who don't know a thousand words.

    Pete: I know two, and the first one begins with an "F".

  • Lanie: Well, I hope you're happy.

    Pete: Define happiness.

    Lanie: Your death.

  • Ryan: I love her.

    Pete: Me too!

    [looks at Auggie]

    Pete: Who?

  • Pete: You think if I cut my arm off they'd let me in the special Olympics? I really want to win a medal.

    Auggie: Pete, I want you to go sit by the garbage and think about what you just said. That's messed up Pete!

  • Pete: [to Tad] Like do you know she has six smiles? One when something really makes her laugh. One when she's making plans. One when she is laughing out of politeness. One when she is uncomfortable. One when she is making fun of herself. And one when... she's talking about her friends.

  • Angelica: Well is it love, big love, or great love?

    Pete: What do you mean?

    Angelica: Well, love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... changes your life. So which one is it?

    [Pete laughs and takes a big gulp out of his drink]

    Angelica: Oh my god, it's great love.

    Pete: Yeah, that just great.

  • Pete: I'm telling you, she is more of a treasure than you could possibly know. She is not just some wholesome, small town girl, some like, good for you breath of fresh air. Tad, she is a wonderful person with a huge heart. And the kind of beauty that a guy only sees once, you know? Once! So Tad, if there is even a chance that you could break her heart, please, just for her sake, walk away man.

    Tad: I could never break Rosalee's heart, ok?

    Pete: Good. Because if you do I swear to God I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands. Or vicious rhetoric.

    Tad: You're a good guy Pete.

    Pete: Well yes. Apparently not good enough.

  • Angelica: Well you got to win her back.

    Pete: Believe me I have tried everything.

    Angelica: Well what did she say, when you told her you loved her?

    Pete: Ok maybe not everything.

    Angelica: How did she react, when you kissed her?

    Pete: Ok, maybe only two things.

  • Rosalee: What did you want to ask me?

    Pete: Oh, it was nothing, it was nothing really. No, wait a minute, I remember what I was going to say.

    [Pete kisses Rosie]

    Pete: Rosie, I'm in love with you.

  • Pete: There's innocent, there's childlike and then there's asking for it!

  • Rosalee: So he's going to stay in the motel while he fixes up the farm.

    Pete: Like, he's a farmer, all of a sudden?

    Rosalee: I think he'll be a good farmer.

    Pete: Rosie... He's from Malibu, California okay? The only thing they grow there... are breasts.

  • [Pete gives Rosalee some parting advice before her big date]

    Pete: Guard your carnal treasure.

  • Pete: I told you to guard your carnal treasure! You practically *chucked* it at him!

  • Pete: Rosie, there something I want to ask you...

    [Tad walks in]

    Pete: What is the worst thing that could happen to me right now?

  • Pete: Angelica?

    [Angelica quickly comes running over]

    Angelica: Yes, Pete, what is the object of your desire?

    Pete: Um... we'd like another round of beers.

    Angelica: Someday Pete, when I ask what you desire you will say: you, Angelica, *you* are the object of my desires.

    Pete: Okay.

    [pause]

    Pete: I think we'll just take the beers for now.

  • Rosalee: [after Pete crashes into a pole] Oh, my God, are you okay?

    Pete: Yeah, no I meant to do that.

  • [Pete sums up the "Win a Date" contest]

    Pete: Heaven is just a mouse click away.

  • Pete: Tad Hamilton is an actor. How do you know he's not acting with you?

  • Pete: [about Tad] I bet you in his life he's slept with like what, 15, 20 women?

    Rosalee: No way. That's not even physically possible.

  • Pete: [kisses Rosie] I love you, Rosie. I *always* have. If I've been a jerk this last week, it's because I've been fighting - I've been fighting for you. I don't want to lose you to Tad Hamilton, or anyone else. You're the one.

  • Pete: [attempting to teach Tad how to chop wood with an ax] Ok... So... The trick is to take a full swing so as to as to split the log in one swift...

    [Tad removes his shirt and reveals a muscular chest]

    Pete: stroke... Okay...

    [Peter removes his shirt to reveal a skinny chicken chest]

    Pete: Yeah... Let's do this... Hey... so uh... you work out?

    Tad: [shakes his head] Nah.

    Pete: Yeah me neither, I know... it's like...

    [shrugs]

    Pete: me neither... Okay, uhh... so basically one, swift, stroke.

    [swings ax and gets it caught in the wood ]

    Pete: Ok... and sometimes you just... ya know... basically get a bad piece of wood... Basically...

    [Tad chops wood with an ax all the way through]

    Pete: And you know sometimes you don't... That's... that's uh... good... beginners luck... ya know... first time...

    [Tad chops another piece of wood while Pete still struggles with the ax caught in his first piece]

    Pete: Ah! And the luck continues... that's great... Good for you man...

    Tad: Pete, did you ever see the movie I did called "The Man Named Jackson"?

    Pete: If it came out Tad... then I saw it...

    [Tad comes over to help Pete with the ax]

    Pete: You know what... yeah, I think that the ax is actually broken...

    [Tad pulls the ax out of the wood easily]

    Pete: Yeah huh... that's great...

    [Tad slaps Pete easily on his chicken chest]

    Pete: Heh...

  • Pete: I cannot remember a time... BEFORE you started telling that story.

    Rosalee: I was asked to provide a detailed explanation of the evening.

    Pete: And you did, Rosie, you really did. I really felt like I was there... sort of against my will.

  • [at the airport]

    Pete: I got you something.

    [holds up can of Pringles]

    Pete: You know, in case you don't want the prime rib in first class.

  • Tad: Well this barn sits on what they call the South 40. Yep. I'm not sure exactly how many acres that is... but... uh... I'm gonna guess that's a lot...

    Pete: Yeah... I'm gonna guess 40.

    Tad: Hmmmm... oh yeah...

  • Pete: [visiting Joe in the prison] The lawyer says they're gonna' be a lot tougher on you than you thought, Joe, if you don't give 'em back the money.

    Joe: Yeah? Well, screw them.

    Pete: I don't know, Joe. Maybe you should just give 'em back the money from the robbery.

    Joe: Forget it. Al and Willie would both die if I gave that money back. Besides, Pete, let me tell you something. For the past couple of years, me, Al and Willie all sat on that park bench and looked at each other. Maybe a politician would come around and talk to us at election time, but that was about it. That was our life.

    Joe: [continues] Here I've got my own cell, with a toilet and a sink. Food's okay, and I'm feeling good. As a matter of fact, they treat me like a king around here. Everyone comes around to talk, and they all want to do me favors. Pretty soon they'll all wind up asking me where I hid the money. They don't know it, but they're all older than me.

  • Pete: Well, what do we do? I mean this is your shit...

    Ray: This isn't my shit. My shit is sitting on my arse reading about this shit...

  • Ray: Some girls are into science fiction.

    Pete: Yeah, that's your problem, Ray. Your ideal girl... is you. With tits.

  • Pete: So what do we do now Ray?

    Ray: What?

    Pete: This is your thing.

    Ray: This is not my thing, no my thing is sitting on my arse reading books about this shit not actually being in it

    Pete: What about the rules, I mean there's always rules in these things isn't there

    Ray: Well yeah, but i mean it depends who you read

    Toby: Well even i know some rules

    Ray: Like what

    Toby: Like you can't tread on any butterflies

    Pete: What?

    Toby: Not just butterflies, anything, you can't kill anything in the past because it wipes out all it's descendants in the future and you could end up wiping out the whole human race

    Ray: Don't sleep with anyone, it always ends up being your mum or your gran

    Pete: That's just sick

    Toby: Ray it's still tonight we haven't gone back to the Blitz

    Ray: You asked for rules I'm giving you rules

    Pete: OK, don't kill anything, don't fuck anything, what else?

    Ray: Don't touch yourself

  • Pete: Holy shit. I will take your time traveling hottie and raise you a pub full of dead bodies.

  • Pete: So, in an ideal world, what would be your perfect job.

    Ray: I dunno. Comic shop?

    Pete: Aw, come on, think bigger.

    Ray: Astronaut?

    Pete: Yeah, cool! But I mean your absolute dream job. I mean if there was no limits at all.

    Ray: No limits? Well it's obvious. It's gotta be Time Lord.

  • [Paul and Pete discuss Paul sleeping with Becky after his bachelor party]

    Pete: Wait 'till she's drunk... next Thanksgiving or Christmas, or better yet, this Saturday at your wedding, after she's had four gin and tonics and she steps up to the microphone and she's telling the whole world.

    Paul: That's not gonna happen.

    Pete: [mimicking Becky] Everyone, your attention please. I just think you should all know Karen's husband Paul nailed me last Saturday. Yeah, hot sex, and now I'm carrying his child. Thank you for listening. Please return to your entrees.

  • Pete: So, uh, what brings you to Australia?

    Maddie: Well, I uh, my parents inherited the inn.

    Pete: Really? From who?

    Maddie: Oh, some dead guy.

    Pete: Some dead guy?

  • Maddie and Ashley: [paranoid, the girls scream when they run into Avery and Pete]

    Avery: Knew I should have brushed my hair today.

    Pete: You'd still look scary.

  • Pete: Jake, What happened?

    Jake: My widgie. Owww, I bent my widgie.

    Avery: What are we going to do now Pete? Our boy can't surf in this condition.

  • Hanky: Dude, remember that time when I was wasted and we found that secret island?

    Pete: ...That never happened.

  • Tommy: I don't eat shit. It's against my religion.

    Pete: What religion is that?

    Tommy: The religion of sanity, Peter. You should try it some time.

    Pete: I did, but I was excommunicated.

  • Harry: W-what's the matter, hotshot? Don't you like your new size?

    Merrie: I was big enough before.

    Harry: Heh, look what happened to us. And all these girls can think of is their, modesty! Ha ha!

    Merrie: Fred... Fred, what have we done?

    Fred: Well whatever it is, we're stuck with it.

    Harry: Stuck with it. So why don't we make the most of it? It's gonna make a difference!

    Rick: Yeah. I was just thinking... wait til' my old man gets tough with me again, eh?

    Jean: W-we're freaks, Rick.

    Harry: Maybe we are, but you just wait til' the next guy who asks me for my I.D. card. Oh, boy!

    Harry: Yeah!

    Pete: Now maybe it won't be so easy for them to kick us around anymore!

    Elsa: Them?

    Pete: The adults, honey! This isn't there world anymore, it's gonna be ours!

    Rick: Yeah. We turn the tables on them. Come on, let's split and have some fun, eh?

    Fred: Yeah. Yeah, let's get out of here.

    Merrie: But I don't have anything to wear!

  • Pete: [showing Julie's picture to the Sheriff] See that?

    The Sheriff: Why that's Miss Julie LaVerne, ain't it?

    Pete: Yeah, that's what she calls herself, ever since she got married to a white man!

    The Sheriff: What d'ya mean?

    Pete: Frank, come over here; I want you to hear this. You too, Ellie.

    The Sheriff: Sit down and explain yourself. And you make sure you know what you're talkin' about.

  • Pete: Hey, where'd you get that gold brooch?

    Queenie: You mean this scrumptious piece o' jewelry?

    Pete: Yeah, where'd you get it?

    Queenie: It was give tuh me.

    Pete: Who give it to you?

    Queenie: Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies!

    Queenie: [she walks off, laughing heartily]

    Pete: [muttering] I know who give it to you and she's gonna be sorry, too. All right, Miss Julie LaVerne, if that's how you feel about me...

    Pete: [he rips the photo of Julie out of its frame on the stand, but is seen by Windy]

  • Lance: [as Potter Hope walks out of the bar to the shootout] Hey listen, the man that's after you just killed my brother. Here's a tip: He draws from the left, so lean to the right.

    Potter: He draws from the left so lean to the right.

    Greg: Son, I'll let you in on something. Along towards sunset there's a wind from the east. So you better aim to the west.

    Potter: He draws from the left so lean to the right. There's a wind from the east so better aim to the west.

    Pete: I know this Joe like a book. He crouches when he shoots so stand on your toes.

    Potter: [Outside in the street] He draws from the left so lean to the right. There's a wind from the east so better aim to the west. He crouches when he shoots so stand on your toes. Thanks... Growl.

    [Goes out into the street]

    Potter: He draws from the left so stand on your toes... There's a wind from the east, better lean to the right... He crouches when he shoots, better aim to the west... He draws from his toes, so lean toward the wind. Ah ha! I got it!

  • Silas Crow: Ah, choosing your animal name. First, you choose your animal, which is your spirit. The animal most like you. For instance, Pete, you are?

    Pete: Ah... Bird.

    Silas Crow: Around the circle, Wendel?

    Wendel: Dog.

    Frank Fencepost: I am the Brown Bear. Silas?

    Silas Crow: I am the Walrus.

  • Pete: I've known Mike Church forever. He would never hurt her.

    Franklyn Madson: This is fate we're talking about, and if fate works at all, it works because people think that THIS TIME, it isn't going to happen!

  • Pete: [jokingly talking about Grace who's outside the door] Oh, and you don't have to worry about forgetting her name... she's already forgotten it for you!

    Mike Church: [unamused] Right.

  • Pete: Nick didn't do it.

    Annie Newton: ...You're lying.

    Pete: Don't believe me? He didn't do it. I lied to save my own ass... he was supposed to be on a plane. You killed Nick for nothing!

  • Wilma: Pete, get me a goblet from the pen, I feel like turkey tonight.

    Pete: You feel like turkey every night Wilma

  • Pete: I'm hungry. What would you say to a hamburger?

    James Allen: What would I say to a hamburger? Boy. I'd take Mr. Hamburger by the hand and say, "Pal, I haven't seen you for a long, long time."

  • Pete: Jerry, do you think there's a light at the end of this fucking tunnel?

    Jerry: [laughing, drunk] Nah, there's a chicken shop, with a drive-thru, and fucking dickhead's ordering "hawaiian" packs.

  • Mr. Jones: Mr psychiatrist, are you there?

    Pete: Go to hell you bastard you're mad!

    Mr. Jones: What sort of reply is that from a National Health psychiatrist? I should have gone private.

  • John Polsky: This is just taking too long!

    Pete: Dude chill, you're running a huge operation!

    John Polsky: Shut your mouth!

  • Pete: Bingo... Did you say bingo like the game in church basements?

    Beaver: Well there's trim there.

    Pete: oh, Beaver.

  • Pete: Number 174. 631503.

    Nick: Pete, I don't want her zip code.

    Pete: It's her Social Security number, asshole. She works for you.

  • [first lines]

    Nick: l'll tell you what. l'll give you the Cowboys and three.

    Pete: Three and a half.

    Nick: Take three, be happy.

    Pete: Three and a half. l'm ecstatic.

  • Pete: *Repeated line* Haji, what the f*ck are you doing?

  • Pete: Alexander the Great marched into this graveyard about 2,500 years ago. Easy to march in, hard to march out. His words. He and his mother wrote to each other all the time. One day, he got a letter from her saying: "What the hell? You conquered most of the known world in a day and a half, what are you doing bogged down in Afghanistan?" He grabbed a bag and shoveled it full of dirt and had it sent back to Greece with a message to his mother: "Take this dirt and dump it around the palace, see what happens."

    Pete: So Alexander's mother spread the dirt all around the palace. Later that night, a couple of attendants showed up to make sure she was alright. One says: "Go ahead, after you." And the other says: "No, after you." And the first one says: "No, I insist." And the second one says: "Don't you tell me what to do." They pull their swords and go at it till they kill each other. Alexander's mother watched all this and wrote a note to him saying: "Okay, okay, now I get it." And he wrote back saying: "Even the dirt is hostile." In Afghanistan, dogs fight dogs, birds fight birds, men kill men.

  • Theo Calder: I'm Dr. Calder. You've been charged with one count of murder and found incompetent to stand trial.

    Pete: She had a demon in her for a while. My neighbour, Mrs. Karsh.

    Theo Calder: Mm-hmm.

    Pete: It would come and go. Nobody saw it... except me.

    Theo Calder: What did it look like, the demon?

    Pete: Um... Did you ever see "Alien" with Sigourney Weaver?

    Theo Calder: It looked like a giant insect?

    Pete: No. It looked like Sigourney Weaver.

  • Joe: [brushing Pete's clothes off immediately after his fistfight with Steve] Please, Mister Pete, don't go gettin' yourself all riled up over things. Besides, Mister Steve and Miss Julie, they gotta play performances here.

    Pete: Yeah? Well I know a thing or two; we'll see how many performances they play in this town!

  • Mister: I'll be back for you.

    Pete: Promise?

    Mister: I promise.

  • Shell: Adam works at the sawmill.

    Pete: Aye, you said.

    Pete: Yeah, there was a break-in on Friday night.

    Shell: Oh. What did they steal?

    Adam: Five chain saws, brand new.

    Pete: They know who did it?

    Adam: They think I did it. They never said but they phoned the house on Saturday morning and told me not to come back in. They've never had anything go missing before so it's...

    Shell: That's a shame.

    Adam: Yeah, I know I can get my job back at the pub if I want, but I'm thinking about starting up something for myself. A bit like your setup here Pete, I mean, are you needing any help or...?

    Pete: I'm not needing any help at the moment, no.

    Adam: But what about through the winter? I mean, there must be a few more... breakdowns.

    Pete: [pause] I've nothing for you.

    Adam: Ok.

    Shell: [pause] Adam's mum's not been very well. How is she?

    Adam: Yeah, she's much the same.

    Pete: What's wrong with her?

    Adam: She's our best customer.

    Shell: [pause] It's his mum's pub that he works at.

    Adam: [pause] She says I'm the only man who's ever loved her.

  • Pete: Cold hands.

    Shell: Warm heart.

  • Pete: I thought you've left me.

    Shell: Did you?

    Pete: We've been happy here, haven't we?

    Shell: Hmm.

    Pete: I still love you.

    Shell: I love you too.

    Pete: I need you to stay.

    Shell: I know.

    Pete: Shell needs you too.

    Shell: I'm not going anywhere.

  • Kelly: What freaks you out more? Getting bailed out by your girlfriend or knowing she was adding me to her fantasy file?

    [drives away]

    Pete: What'd he say?

    Jasper: I think he just said 'come kick my ass'.

  • Sam Cohen: I could've got this wrong, you know it already been too late.

    Pete: All for nothing.

    Mike Bailey: No, it's not too late. It came to me before. I can find a rainbow

    Jackie Bailey: What do you mean, Mikey?

    Mike Bailey: We been too scientific. We lost the magic.

    Sam Cohen: You didn't make any sense.

    Jackie Bailey: Yeah, he has.

  • Pete: That had ta' hurt.

  • Vinnie: This is a mess. No way. I refuse to do this! You're the one who keeps fucking around with it so get off your ass and fix it! You understand? Pete!

    Vinnie: [Pete honks the horn loudly, startling Vinnie. He then begins to laugh] You are an asshole!

    Pete: Aww, what's the matter, Vinnie? You scared of the dark? You all creeped out by that murder at the nuthouse?

    Vinnie: Oh yeah, sure. Look, as far as I'm concerned, all those loonies should be killed off one by one. Can you try it now?

    Pete: [engine won't start] Geez, man, can't you do anything? Stop screwin' around! Get this thing done by the time I get back. I gotta take a crap.

    Vinnie: Crap my ass!

    Pete: Just do it, man! I mean it.

    Vinnie: [Pete walks away] Fucking asshole!

  • Vinnie: I'm telling you, Pete, this is bullshit. This really sucks!

    Pete: Just do it. Fix it, man. Those cunts aren't gonna wait all night.

    Vinnie: [looks under the hood] Oh fuck, this is a mess.

  • Pete: Alright, either you got the car started for you're a dead man.

    [while humming a tune, he tries to start the car]

    Pete: It ain't starting, man. You fucked up again. It ain't startin'. I'm gonna kick your ass... Kick your ass. Come on now. Come on now, everybody... It ain't starting. Come on, motherfucker... Fix the fucking car! You fucked up again, you asshole... Hey what you doing out there Vinnie?

    [the car finally starts]

    Pete: Whoo! Alright, and we're off! Let's go!

    [Jason grabs him from behind and slashes his throat]

  • [Laine and her friends play the Quija board for the first time]

    Laine Morris: Is there something you wanna tell us?

    Pete: [the planchette begins to move over the letters] H-I...

    Pete: [the planchette continues to spell] It spelled. Hi, friend.

    Laine Morris: Hi, friend.

  • Miranda: I'm not deluded, Pete, I'm possessed.

    Pete: I don't believe in ghosts.

    Miranda: Neither do I, but they believe in me.

  • Miranda: Did we have an affair?

    Pete: No.

    Miranda: Did you want to?

    Pete: Yes.

    Miranda: Did you think I wanted to?

    Pete: Yes.

    Miranda: Then why didn't we?

    Pete: Because you were married to the boss.

    Miranda: But I'm not now.

    Pete: I'm here - I'm trying to help you. Why don't you trust me?

    Miranda: Because you can't trust somebody when they think you're crazy.

  • Miranda: All I know is I saw this girl, and she's connected to me. How? I don't know how she's connected to me. But she is.

    Pete: Delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, frequent derailment and incoherence...

    Miranda: Don't rattle off this psychiatric shit to me! I know that like the back of my hand!

    Pete: Good! Good. Saves me the trouble.

  • Pete: This is the first time I've seen you lucid.

  • Pete: Miranda... Doug is dead. You killed him.

    Miranda: [screaming] No! No! No!

  • Pete: You said no shock treatment.

    Sheriff Ryan: Shock treatment? You want to see some shock treatment? Here's some shock treatment.

    [gets some photos of Doug's mutilated body]

    Pete: Stop it!

    Teddy Howard: What are you doing?

    Pete: Why would you take these out? Miranda, don't look at them! Don't look at them!

    Sheriff Ryan: I had to pick him up off the floor, Miranda. In pieces!

  • Pete: You're in crisis. Don't you see how this image is tailor-made for your state of mind. A woman in purgatory. I need you to explain this to me though.

    Miranda: Rachel Parsons did not commit suicide.

  • Pete: Miranda, what's the last thing you remember?

    Miranda: I remember Chloe. I was having my Friday night session with Chloe.

    Pete: How did that go?

    Miranda: She was embellishing her rape story. I saw Doug.

    Dr. Douglas Grey: [in flashback] Dr. Graham.

    Miranda: You were there. When I went back to my office, I worked on Chloe's file. I decided to call it quits, I went down to the pool, had a swim, fifty-five laps, saw Joe, got my keys. Went to my car. You walked me to it.

    Pete: Yes?

    Miranda: But there... There was a detour.

    Sheriff Ryan: [in flashback] Oh, hey, tell Doug to give me a call...

    Miranda: So I had to go over the bridge, so I went over the bridge.

    Pete: I wonder what else happened. Try to remember.

    Miranda: I got home. I saw Doug. He was on the couch.

    Pete: Try to remember.

    Miranda: There was a girl. Yeah, there was a girl.

  • Pete: All that education, but you can't remember an umbrella?

  • Miranda: How long have I been in here?

    Pete: Three days.

    Miranda: Why? Why?

  • Teddy Howard: [Miranda's arm is bleeding] Miranda, what's that?

    Irene: It's okay. It's okay, Miranda.

    Miranda: Why are you doing this to me?

    Pete: Miranda, let's just go, okay? We're done.

    Miranda: Why are you doing this to me?

  • Tim Young: We're one happy family now.

    Pete: Happy? What's that?

  • [Pete picks up a ringing phone]

    Pete: Hello? Oh, hi Frankie. Oh yeah... I woke up because the phone was so loud. Oh, that was my aunt. Yeah, my aunt and uncle are visiting. What?

    [pause]

    Pete: What are you getting so worried about? Look, look... biology isn't exactly my strongest point either.

    [pause]

    Pete: What about tonight? We can still go. No, I told you... I said my folks have the car today. Not tonight. What about your car?

    [pause]

    Pete: Oh? Look, if you want to get here by six... six-thirty p.m. as soon as my folks got back, we can leave right away.

    [pause]

    Pete: So walk on over later on this morning. Yeah, we can study. Perfect day for it.

    [pause]

    Pete: So wear a gollashar and a big raincoat. And don't forget those skimpy notes if you can locate them. Ha ha! And maybe, Ellen can come along too.

    [pause]

    Pete: Oh yeah? Why not? I thought you said she was good at this.

    [pause]

    Pete: Well call and find out!

    [there is a knock at the front door]

    Pete: I'll be right down!

    [into the phone]

    Pete: Look, Frankie, they told you to forget that... Look, if you want to study with me, you got to stick to the facts. Look... Balacalfski doesn't know what he's talking about. Look, if house flies originated on Jupiter, then how come they have the EXACT same enzymes and same nucleic acids as all living things on Earth?

    [pause]

    Pete: I did read it, well... most of it. No, throw it away. Burn it. Well... call it science fiction, because that's what it is. When you come on over later on I'll loan you Brokers Brain.

    [pause]

    Pete: It's a book!

  • Aunt Millie: [the black cat in the house crossed her path] Where did he come from?

    Pete: That cat is crazy!

    Aunt Millie: [closes the basement door] What is with the basement this morning?

  • Sylvia: He's not drunk, stupid. He's been doped!

    Pete: Huh?

    Sylvia: With that stuff that they call LSD. The whole bunch take it.

    Pete: What does it do, that L-whatever you call it?

    Sylvia: Boy, you really don't know anything. Well, it makes a person crazy.

    Pete: Wow! Is that what *they've* done to Grampaw?

  • Pete: Can't you do something for her, Grandpa?

    Doc Banner: I'm only a veterinarian, Pete. Your sister's not an animal.

    Mildred Nash: Somebody's sure treated her like one!

  • Pete: How would you feel if somebody with a crazy helmet with pipes sticking out of it came at you in the dark? And look, I know this sounds... sounds crazy, but there wasn't any head in that helmet.

    Lt. Bowers: No head. No head at all?

    Pete: It's the truth.

    Lt. Bowers: I think you need some coffee.

  • Pete: [referring to the homesteads in New Mexico] Is it good farming land?

    Stony Brooke: Is it? Why listen, the soil's so rich even the fence posts take root and grow.

  • Dodie: Every day I read about girls marrying rich fellers. Every day.

    Pete: You've got one chance in a million.

    Dodie: Well, of course, the odds are against any two people meeting each other. There are 2 million people in the world and if a girl meets any fella, it's an accident.

  • Dodie: [Referring to her boyfriend Buzz] He's even considering marrying me.

    Pete: Maybe you ought to marry me instread.

    Dodie: You shouldn't say things like that.

    Pete: Why not?

    Dodie: We hardly even know each other.

    Pete: Sometimes people know each other better in one night than they do... in two weeks.

  • Pete: I don't believe in every man for himself. It gets lonesome.

  • Pete: Sock the rich. If they bring in that new income tax, oh boy, that'll scorch them.

  • Pete: Aw, she's up on Park Avenue having breakfast with Lottie. Champagne and caviar. I wish I was a dame.

  • Pete: Well, I've put all the kiddies east of the Mississippi to bed. How's rehearsal?

    Peggy Cornell: Oh awful. Some yokel stood outside the rehearsal hall making and stared at me until I nearly broke me up. What have you got a summons?

    Pete: No, fan mail.

    Peggy Cornell: Oh. Three of them. That's two more than last week! Your public are growing up and learning to write.

    Pete: Listen to this: Dear Uncle Pete. I am well. How are you? I hear you on the radio every night. Great stuff for a he man poet... Have you heard my last poem, Peggy?

    Peggy Cornell: I sure hope so.

    Pete: Frankie Wallace was a pug. He laid his opponents out like a rug. Until one day... Wait a minute! You haven't heard the last of it.

    Peggy Cornell: Well. You've got me cornered.

    Pete: Frankie Wallace was a pug. He laid his opponents out like a rug...

  • Judge Parker: You can eat later.

    Simp: Aw, gee, and I was so hungry.

    Pete: Oh, why don't you eat?

    Simp: He ain't paying me for that.

  • Shorty: [to Ferguson] Then I'll fix you up a date with a redhead.

    Pete: Aw, fix him up.

    Shorty: Aw, he's in love.

    Pete: That's the trouble with being in love. It kills your sex life.

  • Shorty: [Walking into the hospital library] Hey, does anyone got anything to eat? A chocolate bar or anything? I'm hungry.

    Mac: [after yawning] Slop's at 12:30.

    Pete: [Cynically] Slop! Live the life of a fireman and eat slop! All we need is a pole to slide down.

  • Pete: [Cynically] You know, I was in love once.

    Dr. Ferguson: [Sarcastically] That's the thing I like about you, Pete - your romantic nature.

  • Charles: That's a nice ribbon in your hair.

    Clara: Well, I told the nurse that it was like the song. "Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree."

    [starts to sing]

    Mrs. DeLillo: [wearing a green ribbon] And I say tie a green ribbon 'round the old oak tree.

    Clara: Mine's a real song!

    Pete: Mommy sure does know her music, doesn't she?

    Mrs. DeLillo: [angrily] Huh!

    Pete: Mrs. DeLillo knows her music, too.

    Mrs. DeLillo: Thank you so much.

  • Pete: Every one of us has a good wolf and a bad wolf living inside of us. So the young kid says to him, well which one is stronger? And the old guy sys, which ever one you feed more.

Browse more character quotes from RocknRolla (2008)

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