Percy Quotes in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)

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Percy Quotes:

  • Percy: [When Bard approaches Laketown in his ship] Halt! Goods inspection. Papers please!... Oh, it's you, Bard!

    Bard the Bowman: Morning, Percy.

    Percy: Anything to declare?

    Bard the Bowman: Nothing. But I am cold and tired, and ready for home.

    Percy: You and me both.

  • Tony: Where the hell are we?

    Percy: Geographically speaking, in the Northern Hemisphere. Socially, on the margins. And narratively, with some way to go.

  • Dr. Parnassus: Percy, what would I do without you?

    Percy: Get a midget.

  • Anton: [after saving Tony] Hey, he's alive!

    Percy: He was.

  • Percy: Perhaps you'll find a midget... if you're lucky!

  • Percy: Telling the truth... always a bad idea.

  • Governor Ratcliffe: Don't lose your heart, men. It won't be long before we reach the New World. And remember what awaits us there. Freedom. Prosperity. The adventure of our lives. You're the finest crew England has to offer and nothing, not wind nor a thousand bloody savages shall stand in our way. Carry on, men!

    Wiggins: A stirring oration, sir. I'm sure the men were most exhilarated.

    Governor Ratcliffe: Let's hope so.

    [quietly to Percy]

    Governor Ratcliffe: I'll need those witless peasants to dig up my gold, won't I?

    Percy: [growls in agreement]

  • Toby: [the engines discuss about how to stop Diesel 10] What's important is to stand up on our own wheels to Diesel.

    Henry: Toby's right. Diesel knows that the lost engine in the legend really exists.

    James: What Engine?

    Percy: What Legend?

    Henry: Of an engine whose magic makes her more powerful than Diesel will ever be, that's why he wants to find her.

    Percy: Then we'd better find her first.

    James: [comes out of the shed] Leave it to the big engines, Percy.

    Thomas: Little Engines can do big things, especially when they have nice blue paint like me.

  • [Mr. Conductor has run out of gold dust]

    Thomas: Mr. Conductor, but what happened to your sparkle?

    Mr. Conductor: I don't know, Thomas. I guess I'll just have to sleep on that.

    Thomas: On your sparkle?

    Mr. Conductor: No, Thomas, on the problem of what happened to it.

    Percy: Oh, but, Mr. Conductor. Without your sparkle or the lost engine, you can't travel to help us anymore.

    Mr. Conductor: I'll solve the problem, you just go to sleep now.

    Thomas: Easy for you to say.

  • Den: I think we should...

    Dart: Go?

    Den: Yes.

    Percy: Your free Thomas!

    Thomas: Thanks Percy!

  • Martin: Here you go, little man.

    [Hands Percy a bottle of beer]

    Percy: Are you sure? Is this beer?

    Martin: No, of course not, I would never hand you beer. That's *cerveza*.

    Percy: I'm 10, I can't have beer.

    Martin: You're not 10! You're kitchen staff, kitchen staff doesn't have an age.

    Percy: Dad?

    Carl Casper: You can have a sip.

    [Percy takes a sip from the bottle and makes a disgusted face]

    Carl Casper: Huh? Like piss, right?

    Percy: Worse!

    Carl Casper: You remember that when your friends offer you a beer.

  • Percy: Where are we?

    Inez: This is Little Havana.

    Percy: Like in Grand Theft Auto?

  • Percy: [sets up a Twitter account for Carl] Okay. So, what do you want your username to be?

    Carl Casper: Carl.

    Percy: You can't just put "Carl". It's got to be "at" something.

    Carl Casper: At Carl Casper.

    Percy: At Carl Casper. Taken.

    Carl Casper: Somebody took my name?

    Percy: At Chef Carl Casper? Is that cool?

    Carl Casper: Yeah, that's good.

    Percy: At Chef Carl Casper.

    Carl Casper: So is this for sex?

    Percy: Ew. No. Is that what you're doing this for?

    Carl Casper: No, I'm not doing it for that. Someone wrote something bad. I wanna see what they wrote.

    Percy: Good. Oh, shit.

    Carl Casper: Hey! You can't talk like that. I don't care if mommy's not around. I don't want you cursing around here.

    Percy: That review went viral.

    Carl Casper: What does that mean?

    Percy: It means it got picked up and re-tweeted everywhere.

    Carl Casper: So, all these people have read the review?

    Percy: Yeah.

    Carl Casper: Oh, shit.

  • Percy: What are you doing?

    Martin: Dude, I'm putting a little cornstarch on my huevos, man. It's a little too humid down here.

    Percy: Dad, wake up. Martin's putting cornstarch on his balls.

    Carl Casper: Want some? It's like baby powder. It's nice, right?

    Percy: Nice.

  • Percy: Dad?

    Carl Casper: Yeah.

    Percy: You got 1,653 followers since last night.

    Carl Casper: Oh, is that good?

    Percy: It's amazing.

    Carl Casper: Oh, good. What does it mean?

    Percy: It means that 1,653 people are reading your Twitter feed.

    Carl Casper: Mmm-hmm. I thought it was like texting.

    Percy: Did you post anything since last night?

    Carl Casper: No.

    Percy: Are you sure?

    Carl Casper: Yeah, I just sent a private message to somebody.

    Percy: To who?

    Carl Casper: To that a-hole food critic.

    Percy: You can only send private messages to people who are following you. I think you might have posted that publicly.

    Carl Casper: No, he wrote something nasty about me and then I hit "reply" and it let me send a message to him.

    Percy: Dad, replies are public. Everybody can read them. And it looks like he re-tweeted it to all his 123,845 followers. And he wrote back.

    Carl Casper: What did he say?

    Percy: I don't think I should read it.

    Carl Casper: Just... can you read it to me, please? Read the... read the reply.

    Percy: [sighs] "At Chef Carl Casper, I would rather have you sit on my face after a brisk walk on a warm day than suffer through that fucking lava cake again."

    Carl Casper: He wrote that to me?

    Percy: He wrote it to everybody.

  • Carl Casper: [passing around the corn starch] Want some? Here, it's like baby powder. Cool your nuts... It's nice, right?

    Percy: Nice.

    Carl Casper: What's good is, in the morning, you can dip your nuts in oil and make hush puppies.

  • Percy: I don't want to hear about you sleeping with my daughter - you're sleeping with me now.

  • Percy: If you're gonna marry one of these women, sometimes it's gonna hurt like hell. And all you can do is admit that you're wrong and know that she's always right.

    Simon Green: She's right?

    Percy: That's right.

    Simon Green: Always?

    Percy: Right.

    Simon Green: Right.

    Percy: That's right.

    Simon Green: All right okay, what about all that talk about my dignity?

    Percy: Do you love her? Do you want her? Then she's always right.

  • Theresa: I was just showing Simon around the house.

    Simon Green: You have a very nice house, Mrs. Jones.

    Marilyn: Thank you, Simon. You can call me Marilyn.

    Simon Green: You too, Mr. Jones.

    Percy: Thank you, Simon. You can call me Mr. Jones.

    [Marilyn gives him a dirty look]

    Percy: Just kidding.

  • Howard Jones: You don't hear me calling no white folks honky and flat-ass!

    Percy: Casper.

    Howard Jones: Cracker.

    Percy: Ofay.

    Howard Jones: Peckerwood.

    Percy: Wonder bread.

    Howard Jones: Bird shit.

    Percy: Bird shit?

    Howard Jones: Well, it's almost white.

  • Percy: Hi. Reservation for Percy Jones.

    Polly: And that's Jones with a "J"?

    Percy: No, Jones with a "P". I made the reservation last week.

    Simon Green: You knew you were gonna kick me out a week ago?

    Percy: Son, I knew I was gonna kick you out 24 years ago... when the doctor announced it was a girl.

    Polly: Here you are.

    Percy: Good.

    Polly: We gave your room away.

    Percy: What?

    Polly: Check in was at 4:00.

    Percy: It's Thursday night. I'm quite sure you've got another room available.

    Polly: I'm sorry. We're completely booked, and so is everyone else. There's a Shriners convention in town, actually. May help you with anything else Mr. Pjones?

  • Howard Jones: You didn't tell me he was white!

    Percy: Yes, I did, back at the retirement home.

    Howard Jones: I thought you was kidding.

  • Polly: Next please.

    Percy: Hi, reservation for Percy Jones.

    Polly: And that's Jones with a J?

    Percy: No Jones with a P. I made reservation last week.

  • Percy: [while falling to the ground after getting whooped by Darryl] Who is Mike Jones...?

  • Percy: [laughing hysterically, holding a mug to his ear] That's the funniest thing you ever told me in your whole life!

  • Percy: Man, you is the dumbest white guy I know.

  • Percy: De Thrill won't understand a word of it! Its a foreign language to them Yanks!

  • Mme. Dubonnet: [singing] I am so good, At spreading mirth and joy

    Percy: But it's no good, With such a sulky boy

    MaisieFayDulcieNancy: I try, To play the game the other fellows all choose

    Percy: The other fellows all choose

    MaisieFayDulcieNancy: I sigh, Because you always refuse

    Mme. Dubonnet: What is a girl to do, With such a boy as you? I've got those

    PercyMme. DubonnetMaisieFayDulcieNancy: Dreary, Weary, You-Don't-Want-To-Play-With-Me Blues

  • Boss Spearman: I see they hobbled you.

    Percy: It's been a while since I was in a fight. I panicked. Fell back, like to have broke my foot.

    Boss Spearman: Ornery old fool.

    Percy: Well, or that damned Cuban cigar got me riled up.

  • Boss Spearman: Brought you a cigar, all the way from Havana, Cuba.

    Percy: You don't say. I've heard about them but I've never had one. Much obliged to you.

    Boss Spearman: What do you think?

    Percy: Better than them crappers I usually smoke.

  • Nahum Goddard: Where do you come from, Percy?

    Percy: Ohio.

    Nahum Goddard: Ohio, huh. I had some clients from Ohio once. Didn't sound like you do.

    Percy: Well I wouldn't mind coming from someplace else, if that doesn't suit you.

  • PercyShelby Goddard: You can say that twice and mean it.

  • Percy: Most folks would rather hear a colorful lie over the truth any day.

  • Shelby Goddard: [as bags of mail for the essay contest are deposited in the diner] Holy Moses.

    Percy: Holy Mackerel.

    Hannah Ferguson: Holy Shit!

  • [first lines]

    Percy: [answering call] Maine tourist office, how can I help you today?

  • Nurse Carey: Is he married?

    Percy: No - I reckon he's too wise.

    Nurse Carey: I don't know what you mean by that.

    Percy: Well he'd rather make several ladies happy than one miserable.

  • Percy: And that, is why they call me "Percy".

  • Innocent Smith: Be quiet!

    Percy: Get away! You be quiet!

    Innocent Smith: That was sloppy.

    Percy: Well I apologize! I've never broken into a house before!

  • Percy: I'm getting bad vibes. The real bad vibes...

Browse more character quotes from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)

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Characters on The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)