Penn Quotes in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

[Ryback has been revealed as the intruder, supposedly dead]

Penn: When she shot the intruder, did you see the body?

Mercenary #1: No, just a shit load of blood, and I figured if you get run over by a train...

[Penn smacks Merc 1 hard]

Penn: [slow and menacing] Did... you... see... the body?

Mercenary #1: I ASSUMED he was DEAD!

Penn: Assumption is the MOTHER of all fuck ups!

Travis Dane: Now this is where the shit really starts to fly. A fertilizer plant in Guangzhou.

Penn: A fertilizer plant?

Travis Dane: Yeah, I'm gonna shock the world by spreading ca-ca all over the place. Guangzhou is a chemical weapons plant masquerading as a fertilizer plant. We know this. The Chinese know that we know. But we make-believe that we don't know and the Chinese make-believe that they believe that we don't know, but know that we know. Everybody knows.

[Ryback and Penn started to fight with the knives and after a few seconds Ryback cuts Penn's coat]

Penn: Fuck, you ruined my coat...

Travis Dane: [Dane is looking through Ryback's palm-pilot] Ryback's tactics.

Penn: Ryback?

Travis Dane: That's what is says... Ryback.

Mercenary # 2: Casey fuckin' Ryback?

Mercenary #1: Jesus Christ.

Travis Dane: Who's Casey fucking Ryback?

Penn: Casey Ryback is a former SEAL Team captain. And a *counter-terrorism expert*.

Mercenary #1: He was my instructor at Fort Bragg.

Mercenary # 2: He's the *best there is*.

Travis Dane: I thought *you* were the best there is, Penn.

Mercenary: Something's coming in. Intermittent signals, very faint.

Penn: F-117s. Stealths.

Travis Dane: They found us! Casey *Fucking* Ryback!

Penn: Shoot 'em down.

Travis Dane: I'd have to unlock Grazer from Washington. I don't have the transponder numbers! I CAN'T TARGET THEM! They'd kill all the hostages!

Holy Mercenary: Ryback's hitting the hostage cars.

Penn: [livid] RRRRRRRRYBACK!

[Penn has a knife to Dane's nose]

Penn: You let *me* handle Ryback. And *you* take care of the techno-shit. He's mine. I'll take him myself hand-to hand.

Travis Dane: [to the computer] C'mon my little Ghost Satellites. I need you with me to hide my baby up there, so she can blow the *fuck out of Washington.*

Travis Dane: [to Penn] Yeah, go get your throat ripped out. I've got 8 million people to kill and a billion dollars to pick up.

Penn: Ryback's gone, Dane.

Travis Dane: Did you see the body? Assumption is the mother of all FUCK UPS!

Penn: [to Sarah Ryback] You know I've never been afraid of anybody. But that uncle of yours scares me... and I like it.

[Ryback has freed the hostages and killed most of the bad guys]

Travis Dane: Why are you bringing Ryback here? Can you handle this?

Mercenary # 2: Looks like you *fucked up*, old man! I say it's time to cut and run!

Penn: [incredulous] Excuse me!

[Merc 2 tries to kill Penn, but Penn kills him instead]

Penn: Now, does anyone *else* think I fucked up?

Travis Dane: [frightened] No.

Penn: Not mace, sweetheart. Pepper spray. Sold to civilians.

[snatches canister from Sarah]

Penn: But once you get used to it...

[sprays some into his mouth]

Penn: ...it just clears the sinuses!

Casey Ryback: [over radio] Penn?

Penn: Ryback.

Casey Ryback: I'm coming to get my niece now.

Penn: Come and get her.

[checking the passenger list and finding out that Ryback has a fellow traveler]

Penn: +1. It could be his girl or a child.

Travis Dane: Maybe it's wife or something.

Penn: Man doesn't call his wife +1.

Travis Dane: So, what? We're looking for some babe?

Penn: Some bait.

Penn: Ah, the revolution! Starting in the most unlikely of places: Trump Casino, Atlantic City!

Penn: You tied me to an operating table, forced Uncle Ernesto to go at my throat with a scalpel. That was funny.

[after a gunshot shatters a mirror]

Penn: Let me tell you something mister. That had better be a blank at that window, and a squib behind that mirror, because if you hired someone to fire off a real gun between us, I don't think that's funny. Actually a blank and a squib is only mildly funny.

[after Penn gets shot]

Woman in Parking Lot: In the shoulder, huh? Well, at that range you were lucky.

Penn: No! I just got shot, that's not lucky. Lucky is winning the lottery.

Woman in Parking Lot: Hey, aren't you that guy who goes on TV and asks people to kill him?

Penn: I didn't ask people to kill me, I said I wished someone were trying to kill me.

Woman in Parking Lot: You said that on national TV? There's a lot of nuts out there! You're lucky I don't have a gun or I'd blow your fucking brains out.

Penn: Yeah, I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Mr. Lucky just got shot in the arm!

Penn: Thanks. You've kept me alive and taught me a very important lesson: One should never go on national TV and beg psychopaths to kill one.

[last lines]

[narrating from beyond the grave as the camera pulls back]

Penn: [voice-over] Oh, yeah. We're dead and there's no way out. I mean, it couldn't be a gag, it couldn't be a joke. We're not gonna have one of the characters wake up from a bad dream; you'd hate us for that! I mean the movie is called 'Penn & Teller Get Killed.' We HAD to get killed at the end, there's no way out of that. We were married to that ending from the moment we thought of the title, and now we've actually killed off ourselves, and there's no taking that back. And this whole pullback, this is not us going to heaven. We're just dead. I mean, those were suicides, frowned upon by every major Western religion, and Atlantic City is in the Western world, so... Penn & Teller are dead. That's it. Thanks. Hope you enjoyed it. You can imagine the sequel thing is kind of a bitch.

Teller: [voice-over] Why didn't we just use different names?

Penn: Damn!

Penn: [to waitress] Gracias.

Carlotta: Very good! And how do you say "son of a hooker"?

Penn: Hijo de puta!

Carlotta: EE-ho de puta.

Penn: Hijo de puta. This is great! Now I can say "thank you", "son of a bitch", and "the dog is big and black". I'm becoming a world citizen!

[Teller is trying to pull a knife out of Penn]

Penn: What are you trying to do? Twist the knife? Look, pretty soon I'll pass out. Then I'll go into a coma, and then I'll die. During any one of *those* times you'll have *plenty* of opportunity to play around with the knife. Until then just keep your paws to yourself.

Penn: [to Teller] Better take the drain cleaner out of your mouth, this is getting serious...

Penn: Commie bastard, I'll show you distribution of wealth!

Penn: Are we live?

Penn: [introducing The Sorcerer's Apprentice] Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to take a moment, if we may, to talk about a little something we like to refer to as magic.

Teller: [finger quotes]

Penn: Uh, picture this. You're at home, hosting a birthday party for your daughter, and you've just shelled out 50 bucks so some pathetic loser can pull a mangy rabbit out of a flea market hat. At first, you might wonder to yourself "How did he do that?" But then you would probably just dismiss it as some sort of a trick. And you know something? You'd be right! It's just a trick. It's an example of what we laughingly refer to as "stage magic." We're here to tell you that all stage magic is a fraud, a hoax, a sham. It's all based on deception and, yep, lyin'. All of it. Sleight of hand...

Teller: [pulling out cards]

Penn: Lies. Transformations...

Teller: [pulls out an axe]

Penn: Fraud. Dismemberment...

Teller: [cuts a fake hand]

Penn: Rip-off! Fake! All are illusions. What we're here to talk about is real magic. We're gonna bring on a guy now who's the real deal, the genuine article. In fact, he taught us everything we know. And he is featured prominently in the next sequence from the original Fantasia, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." Y-You know, come to think of it, The Sorcerer's Apprentice is a - is, is a little guy who, uh - who never speaks and just kinda messes everything up...

Teller: [cuts Penn's hair]

Penn: [quietly] Like him. And now...

Teller: [interrupts Penn]

Penn: Wha - And now, the...

Teller: [pulls out a rabbit]

Penn: Oh. Hi. Hi, little fella. I gotta - I gotta - And now, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."