Peasant 1 Quotes in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.

Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?

Peasant 1: Burn them.

Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?

Peasant 1: More witches.

Peasant 2: Wood.

Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?

Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?

Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?

Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.

Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?

Peasant 1: Oh yeah.

Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?

Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!

Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?

Peasant 1: Bread.

Peasant 2: Apples.

Peasant 3: Very small rocks.

Peasant 1: Cider.

Peasant 2: Gravy.

Peasant 3: Cherries.

Peasant 1: Mud.

Peasant 2: Churches.

Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!

King Arthur: A Duck.

Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...

Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.

Sir Bedevere: And therefore...

Peasant 2: ...A witch!

The Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!

Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one!

The Witch: *They* dressed me up like this!

Crowd: We didn't! We didn't...

The Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.

Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her false nose] Well?

Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.

Sir Bedevere: The nose?

Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!

Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!

Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 3: No!

Peasant 1: No!

Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!

Peasant 1: Yes!

Peasant 2: Yes!

Peasant 1: Yeah, a bit.

Peasant 3: A bit!

Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 2: A bit!

Peasant 1: But she has got a wart!

Random Person in the crowd: [coughs]