Patrick Quotes in Spy (2015)

Patrick: [Shows Susan a bottle of Stool Softener pills] If you ever feel like you have been poisoned, chew one of these.

Susan Cooper: Have I done something to you to upset you?

Patrick: Rudy, where you going?

Rudy: [cigarette in his mouth, pulling out crossbow] I'm in the goddamn club aren't I ?

Patrick: You're not a virgin are you?

Patrick's Sister: [shakes her head]

Patrick: No? What do you mean No?

Patrick's Sister: Well, Steve... but he doesn't count.

Patrick: DOESN'T COUNT?

Patrick: [going to approach Scary German Guy] So what's German for 'please don't murder us'?

Scary German Guy: [comes up behind them] Bitte uns nicht Mord zu tun.

Eugene: Is she a versgin?

Scary German Guy: Yes, she can do it!

Patrick: She can't read, she's five years old!

Scary German Guy: I'll help her!

Patrick: Aww, man, fat kid farted!

Patrick's Sister: [about the Scary German Guy] Why don't you have him read it?

Patrick: He's not a virgin!

Patrick's Sister: Did you ask him?

Sean: I think there are monsters, like real ones! I heard my dad talking on the phone to a guy down at the police station tonight. There was a guy down there screaming he was a werewolf, and they shot him! And the body disappeared from the coroner van, the coroner guy was dead!

Rudy: So what? He got shot and the werewolf took his body?

Sean: No you bean head! He WAS a werewolf! Maybe

Rudy: Yeah but if they shot him?

Sean: It must've been regular bullets, not silver ones. Look I know this sounds stupid, a mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Eugene: Mummy came in my house!

Sean: Guys, Dracula might be here too.

Patrick: Oh man, Fat Kid farted!

Horace: Did not!

Sean: God damn will you guys SHUT UP? Didn't you hear a word I said? These guys are dead, get a clue! Something's out there and it's killing people! And if it's monsters, nobody's going to do a thing about it except us!

Biaggio: In Italian, the word for snake means 'the demon's cock'.

Patrick: No it doesn't.

Biaggio: There's a chance that it doesn't.

Patrick: I can deal with the fact that the chickens are store bought. Okay? I can! But it really bothers me that the loaded potato isn't Biagio's recipe...

Joe: No! No no, that actually really is. I- I honestly have no idea where he's getting chives.

[Daphne has made Velma look sexy in preparation for Patrick coming over]

Velma: Who's your mommy...

Patrick: Who's my... my mommy?

[Velma is wearing an orange-leather catsuit and trying to walk in a sexy manner]

Patrick: Uh, Velma? Do you have to go to the bathroom?

Velma: No, I can't in this outfit.

Patrick: Velma, let go of the grate!

Velma: So I can fall to my death?

Patrick: So I can pull you up! You gotta trust me!

Velma: No! I only trust the facts and all the facts say that you're the evil masked figure!

Patrick: What does your heart say?

Velma: I don't know, it's beating too loud for me to hear!

Patrick: Look deeper, you gotta trust me!

[pulls her up]

Patrick: I got to act tough or these people will beat up me a lot.

[Shaggy and Scooby start laughing]

Patrick: What? Do you think I'm kidding?

Shaggy: Uhh?

Scooby-Doo: No! No?

Patrick: [starts laughing] See!

[Shaggy and Scoob laugh again, then when Shaggy and Scoob about to leave]

Patrick: Boo!

[starts laughing again]

Patrick: Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl.

Kat Stratford: Is that right?

Patrick: Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um, I fell for her.

Cameron: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time.

Patrick: Cameron, do you like the girl?

Cameron: Yeah.

Patrick: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble?

Cameron: Well, I thought she was, but you know, I...

Patrick: Well, she is or she isn't. See first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.

Patrick: So what's your excuse?

Kat Stratford: For?

Patrick: Acting the way we do.

Kat Stratford: I don't like to do what people expect.Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?

Patrick: So you disappoint them from the start and then you're covered, right?

Kat Stratford: Something like that

Patrick: Then you screwed up!

Kat Stratford: How?

Patrick: You never disappointed me.

Patrick: It's not everyday you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention.

[last lines]

Kat Stratford: You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know?

Patrick: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always drums, and bass, and maybe even one day a tambourine.

Kat Stratford: Tell me something true.

Patrick: Something true... I hate peas.

Kat Stratford: No, something real, something no one else knows.

Patrick: Okay, you're sweet, and sexy, and completely hot for me.

Patrick: What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?

Patrick: Someone still has her panties in a twist.

Kat Stratford: Don't, for one minute, think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties.

Patrick: Then what did I have an effect on?

Kat Stratford: Other than my upchuck reflex, nothing.

Kat Stratford: You're not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.

Patrick: I know, I quit. Apparently they're bad for you.

Kat Stratford: You think?

Patrick: Ooh, see that, there. Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?

Patrick: Well maybe you're not afraid of me but I'm sure you've thought about me naked, huh?

Kat Stratford: [sarcastically] Am I that transparent? I want you, I *need* you, oh baby, oh baby.

Patrick: Was that a yes?

Kat Stratford: No.

Patrick: Well, then, was that a no?

Kat Stratford: No.

[Mr. Stratford makes Bianca wear a pregnancy belly before leaving for a party, Patrick arrives and sees her]

Patrick: [to Kat] Who knocked up your sister?

Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?

[reaches into a jar]

Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.

[they find Patrick drinking and smoking]

Patrick: So what have ya got for me?

Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.

Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?

Patrick: [confused] What?

Michael: Nothing. Nothing.

Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.

[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette]

Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.

Michael: Yes. Well, just for now.

Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.

Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?

Michael: H-He's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.

Cameron: Yeah. I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.

Michael: [gives him two thumbs up] You're a gorgeous guy.

Cameron: [Patrick sits back down] Alright, uh, yeah, okay, here's this, uh... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of the CDs that she has in her room.

Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?

Michael: Have you ever been to Club Skunk?

Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.

Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?

Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.

Michael: Hey listen, assail your ears for one night.

Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.

Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?

Ms. Perky: Patrick Verona. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.

Patrick: Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, hit the lights?

Ms. Perky: Oh, very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?

Patrick: I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.

Ms. Perky: Bratwurst? Aren't we the optimist? Next time, keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot!

Patrick: Hey there girly. How you doin'?

Kat Stratford: Sweating like a pig actually and yourself?

Patrick: Now there's a way to get a guy's attention huh?

Kat Stratford: My mission in life. But, obviously I struck your fancy so you see it worked. The world makes sense again.

Michael: Alright. Uh, I talked to her; I got the scoop.

Cameron: What'd she say?

Michael: "Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns." That's a direct quote.

Patrick: Thanks Michael. That's very comforting of you.

Cameron: Well, you don't know. She could, uh, she could need a day to cool off.

[they all duck as a soccer ball flies past them]

Patrick: Maybe two.

Michael: Sweet love, renew thy force.

[Start of Shakespeare's Sonnet LVI]

Patrick: Hey! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.

Kat Stratford: You are amazingly self-assured, has anyone ever told you that?

Patrick: I tell myself that every day, actually.

Patrick: You're gunna pay me to take out some chick?

Joey: Mmhm.

Patrick: How much?

Joey: 20 bucks.

Joey: ...fine 30.

Patrick: Well, let's think about this... we go to the movies, that's 15 bucks. We get popcorn, that's 53. And she'll want raisonettes, alright? So, we're looking at 75 bucks.

Joey: This isn't a negotiation. Take it or leave it trailer park.

Patrick: 50 bucks and we got a deal, Fabio.

Patrick: See, first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it!

Patrick: Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed.

Patrick: Not a big talker, huh?

Kat Stratford: Depends on the topic. My fenders don't really whip me into a verbal frenzy.

Patrick: [while trying to get Kat go out with him] Well, the night I take you places you've never been before.

Kat Stratford: Like where, the 7-11 on Broadway?

Patrick: I thought you wanted out.

Cameron: Yeah, well, I did, but, uh... that was until she kissed me.

Patrick: Where?

Cameron: In the car.

Patrick: I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing out that window, I tell you. So, how did you keep him distracted?

Kat Stratford: I dazzled him with my... wits.

Patrick: And I didn't sleep with a Spice Girl... I think.

Patrick: I was watching you out there, before. I've never seen you look so sexy.

[Patrick is refusing to help Cameron go out with Bianca]

Patrick: Joey can plough whatever he wants.

Cameron: [angrily] Hey! There will be no ploughing!

Patrick: What is it with this chick, she have beer flavored nipples?

Cameron: Hey!

Violet Nottingham: You, truth or dare?

Patrick: Truth.

Violet Nottingham: How old were you the first time you kissed a girl?

Bobbi: Patrick never kissed a girl.

Patrick: Girls are ick, except for Tricia Sparks.

Violet Nottingham: Ohh, this Tricia Sparks, is she a girl in your class?

Bobbi: Aunt Jill, did you get our message?

Jill: Yes I did, and now it is time for you to get ready for school. Oh my gosh you are...

Violet Nottingham: Yes, and here is you fat rat. And you, I expect to hear all about this Tricia Sparks next time I see you.

Jill: Tricia Sparks is two years older than you.

Patrick: She's hot.

Skeeter Bronson: What's on my head?

Patrick: Bugsy.

Skeeter Bronson: Why do you call him Bugsy?

Patrick: Because of his eyes.

Skeeter Bronson: Well let's see his eyes.

[sees Bugsy's huge eyes and screams]

Skeeter Bronson: Wow! Those eyes would be big on a cow!

Skeeter Bronson: His name was Mr. Underappreciated.

Patrick: What is underdemeciated?

Skeeter Bronson: What?

Patrick: Underdemeciated?

Skeeter Bronson: That's right, I forgot, you're 6, well his name was Sir Fix-a-lot.

Patrick: [eating hamburgers for the first time] Mom's going to kill us.

Skeeter Bronson: No she's not, two reasons, one she's not going to find out, two, when your mom was little she ate hamburgers all the time in this room.

Patrick and Bobbi: She did?

Skeeter Bronson: Yep.

Wendy: Hey, isn't she a little old for you?

Patrick: She's hot.

Tricia Sparks: Uh, Patrick, hi. I'm Trisha Sparks. I just wanted you to know that... thanks for saving the school.

Skeeter Bronson: Western. Go western!

Patrick: No thanks necessary, ma'am.

Skeeter Bronson: That's my boy. That's my boy.

Tricia Sparks: There must be some way for me to show my appreciation.

Skeeter Bronson: Oh-ho-ho! Get it.

[Trisha kisses Patrick]

Skeeter Bronson: Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Skeeter Bronson: Happy birthday, Bobbi!

[Hands her bags]

Skeeter Bronson: Picked this up at the hotel.

[leaves]

Bobbi: [pulling items out of the bag] Shampoo? Soap?

Patrick: [pulling items out of the bag] A hanger and a towel?

Skeeter Bronson: Happy birthday there, Bobbi.

Patrick: I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.

Skeeter Bronson: Oh, my bad. Got you a little something. Happy birthday, Bobbi. Here you go. Picked it up at the hotel.

Colleen: I made a picture of me and Marley, Mommy wrote what I said Dear Marley I'll never forget you forever and there's kisses and hugs

John Grogan: That's pretty, why don't you put it there

[on the blanket covering Marley]

Conor: Dear Marley I love you more than anything in the whole world, I hope you like heaven and have lots of things to chew on, your brother Connor Richard Grogan

John Grogan: That's a good one.

Jennifer Grogan: Patrick do you want to say something?

Patrick: No.

Jennifer Grogan: I want to give him something

[takes off her necklace, to John]

Jennifer Grogan: your Dad gave me this to celebrate the beginning of our family but our family had already begun

[to Marley]

Jennifer Grogan: goodbye clearance dog.

Paramedic: I only got room for one of you.

Dean: I'm the father...

Patrick: I'm the boyfriend...

Mitch: [points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.

Paramedic: That's nice, but I still only got room for one of you.

Patrick: Mary, you want to go out sometime?

Mary: What? Are you going to take me out on your "scooter"?

Patrick: Come on, I'm like, totally adorable, besides, it would drive Hilary Faye crazy.

Mary: I can't. I'm... not dating right now.

Patrick: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?

Patrick: [about her corsage] I bought both red and yellow, because I didn't know... which...

Mary: But Patrick -

[gestures to her pregnant belly]

Patrick: Mary? Honestly? It doesn't matter to me.

Mary: What? Did they send you over so you could strap me onto the back of your scooter?

Patrick: "Scooter"? Mary, this is a Vespa.

Pastor Skip: Patrick, this is not a gray area.

Patrick: Dad, it's all a gray area.

Pastor Skip: THE BIBLE IS BLACK AND WHITE!

[during the school assembly, Cassandra stands up and begins yelling in Spanish]

Tia: [thinking] Oh my god, the Jew girl's speaking in tongues!

[Cassandra rips open her shirt]

Roland: She's going to show her boobs! Thank you Jesus!

Patrick: [thinking] She is, she's going to show her boobs!

[looking horrified, Hilary Faye stands up at the podium]

Hilary Faye: She's saying she has a hot pussy!

[the word "pussy" is bleeped out by microphone feedback]

Pastor Skip: [after Patrick suggests his parents should have divorced] Because divorce is not part of God's plan.

Patrick: Dad, you need to think of a new plan.

Patrick: Come here. Sorry

[as he walks in front of people]

Mary: What are you doing, Patrick?

Patrick: I just wanna see what's in here.

Mary: But...

Patrick: No, no, come on.

Mary: No! We're not allowed...

Patrick: Just for a second.

Mary: I don't think we should be in here.

Patrick: Yes, yes we should definitely be in here.

Mary: No.

Patrick: I like you, Mary. I do. God gave us free will, and that day at Hilary Faye's, you weren't afraid to use it. You inspired me. You amaze me, Mary.

Hilary Faye: Want to get something to eat with us?

Patrick: We're going to DQ.

Cassandra: Why? So we can watch Hilary Faye try to get into your Easter basket? No thanks.

[from trailer]

Patrick: [with a mouth full of sample wedding cake] This cake is fantastic!

Emma: Shh. Please...

Patrick: You mix these two together, it tastes just like a ring-ding.

Emma: [Patrick shoves a fork of cake in her face] No. No, no.

Patrick: Ah!

Emma: No.

Patrick: Ah!

Emma: [she accepts the forkful of cake] it was yummy.

Patrick: It's super-duper.

Daisy: When was the last time you watched a movie?

Patrick: 1997. Titanic. Way too long and spoiler alert: the boat sinks.

Patrick: You have a drinking problem, my friend.

Shamus: I'm Irish.

Patrick: Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawaii, Howie went home with Marshall... again, Cole slept with Benji's quasi-boyfriend, and my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. It's like one big gay soap opera! I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room and tell me that she's secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company!

Howie: Meanwhile, don't look now but.

[Patrick looks]

Howie: I could kill you!

Patrick: What? You act like he would never know we were checking him out.

Howie: He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you and your cart full of kitchenwares.

Patrick: What planet are you living on? There isn't a person in this entire store who wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second!

Howie: Oh keep telling yourself that.

Patrick: Excuse me, Miss.

[woman walks over]

Patrick: This man, you've never seen him before in your life. Tell me, fag, not a fag?

Female Shopper: Oh I'd have to say big fag.

Howie: Look! Benji's talking to Idaho Guy!

Dennis: Who?

Howie: Idaho Guy. He's Benji's newest crush. Benji's been working out near him for weeks in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice.

Dennis: Why do you call him Idaho Guy?

Patrick: I don't know. He just kind of... looks like he's from Idaho. It's not one of our better ones.

Patrick: What is it with lesbians and candles?

Patrick: Leslie, queen of bitch-town, your people have come to take you home.

Taylor: No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy? What the fuck's a fairy supposed to do around here in case of an emergency?

Patrick: There's gotta be something.

Howie: I'm looking.

[pulls out a CD]

Howie: Celine Dion?

Taylor: In Hell!

Patrick: Oh great! This is what I get for trying to be a friend.

Taylor: Well we obviously have two different interpretations of that word!

Patrick: What's that supposed to mean?

Taylor: It means that when it comes to men, you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. You can disguise it all you want under the guise of 'Patrick's Good Advice' but it ain't shit but a pin... trying to pop all of our relationship balloons! Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people, but he told me we'd work it out. He promised we'd work it out.

Patrick: He lied!

Patrick: I couldn't do it.

Leslie: See I told you he was gonna start some shit.

Anne: You couldn't do it?

Patrick: I need material.

Anne: They don't have material?

Patrick: Well the whole "Hustler" ouvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now.

Howie: Oh my God it's embarrassing to even be seen in here! You owe me so big for this hag! You know my issues with buying porno.

Leslie: Hurry up!

Leslie: You see, I told you we should've just drugged him and jerked him off.

Patrick: Drugged me and... is this the woman that you want to become a mother with?

Anne: She's serious, too.

Patrick: All of the men in L.A. are a bunch of 10's looking for an 11. On a good night, and if the other guy's drunk enough... I'm a 6.

Dennis: If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men in America spent their time, he'd defect.

Howie: He probably would.

Patrick: Larry Kramer can blow me.

Howie: He probably would.

Patrick: When I watch them, it feels so strange. It's like I'm not even a part of it. They're all so much more attractive than I am.

Jack: Patrick...

Patrick: No. You know what? I don't mind. Really, I don't. I kind of like being attractive by association. It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful.

Patrick: So what'd ya' give up for Lent?

Barry: I gave up resolutions this year.

Barry McMullen: [after someone mentions their father] Speaking of our favorite wife beating, child abusing alcoholic, I went to the cemetery today.

Patrick: And?

Barry McMullen: And I'm happy to report that he's still dead.

Patrick: I thought you didn't eat meat.

Leslie: Only on Fridays.

Patrick: She wants me back

Jack McMullen: What about the baby?

Patrick: She had a miscarriage

Jack McMullen: Jesus, talk about the luck of the Irish

Patrick: Fuck God?

[first lines]

Agent Chestnut: [switches on recorder] Agent Chestnut, Federal Trade Commission interview. Please state your full name.

Patrick: Patrick Fitzpatrick.

Agent Chestnut: Mr. Fitzpatrick, were you aware of the financial difficulties at Rose's manure?

Patrick: No.

Agent Chestnut: Really? Because by all accounts and sales records, Mr. Rose considered *you* his Number 2. And you want me to believe Mr. Rose never mentioned it?

Patrick: Never.

Agent Chestnut: Well, you will not be allowed to operate or sell anything until I have competed my investigation.

Patrick: [narrating] Sure I'd been hit before. I was a bullshitter. I just didn't know how deep I'd stepped in it. Some men find themself in manure, and some men find themself in manure. I, unfortunately, got caught up in somebody else's crap. And how did I end up here? I followed the smell of success.

Patrick: You are more full of shit than my sample case.

Rosemary Rose: Your deployment was Baker Island. What is Baker Island?

Patrick: It's an isolated piece on land, completely surrounded by water.

Rosemary Rose: You know what, it takes a special lady to stand a man who smells like manure most of the time.

Patrick: Just because you sell it, doesn't mean you need to look and smell like it.

Rosemary Rose: Mr. Rose Hired a bunch of misfits, and I am going to clean this business up.

Patrick: Don't bury this company in your personal bullshit. It manufactures plenty of its own.

Early Dunchamp: H-h-h-how l-l-l-long do you th-th-th-think she'll last?

Chet Pigford: Not as long as that sentence lasted.

Patrick: Heard about a chicken one time that lasted 42 days after his head was cut off. Put it that way.

Thaddeus Young: [after a long beat] I don't get it.

Chet Pigford: Out of 100,00 sperm, you were the fastest?

[all laugh]

Rosemary Rose: What exactly do you think the benefits of a circular bed are?

Patrick: I'm not quite sure. It hasn't taken off like the wheel.

Patrick: What a mess I've made out of things. I'm sorry. You might have been the king of number 2, but you'll always be number 1 to me.

Patrick: Maybe this is karma.

Marilyn: Karma? What have I ever done?

Patrick: Well, you told Dad I was gay.

Marilyn: Yeah, you were.

Patrick: No, I wasn't.

Marilyn: Yes, you were. You had that boyfriend... What's his name?

Patrick: I never had a boyfriend!

Marilyn: Yes, you did. The weird little guy in the dress.

Patrick: Amy.

Marilyn: That was a girl?

Marilyn: Is he sweet or what?

Patrick: I'll take the "or what".

Marilyn: Ix-nay on the Ookie-may.

Ryan: Okay-way.

Patrick: [sarcastically, feigning seriousness] I'm not sure your code is secure.

Patrick: [to Marilyn] You're evil!

[to Ryan]

Patrick: And you... you're SCOTTISH evil!

Patrick: C'mon, it's easy, you just...

[takes Mars' toothbrush and brushes own teeth, humming to himself; Mars walks away]

Patrick: Fine. Teach yourself, Dogbreath.

[continues to brush teeth, then grimaces]

Patrick: What've you been eating?

Ryan: Don't look.

Marilyn: It's a surprise.

Patrick: [rolls eyes] Well, it can't be any worse than the last one.

Ryan: [in unison with Marilyn] Karaoke!

Marilyn: [flicks switch to turn on machine] Do!

Patrick: Hm. Wrong again.

Ryan: [with echo] Do you karaoke?

Patrick: I don't do that.

[with echo]

Patrick: So that's a no.

Patrick: Ryan, you okay? Feel a little better? Less dead maybe?

Patrick: I'm nothing but a pathetic tosser. I'm toxic.

Patrick: If a girl's IQ is over 80, my charm stops working.

Michèle Leblanc: It's sickening.

Patrick: What?

Michèle Leblanc: Both of us. It's sickening. It's perverse. I was in denial but now it's all very clear.

Patrick: What's clear?

Michèle Leblanc: You expect to get away with you've done to me? I'm gonna do what I should have done right from the beginning.

Patrick: What do you mean?

Michèle Leblanc: It's not just about me. There's your wife too. Others, maybe. Who knows.

Patrick: What do you mean?

Michèle Leblanc: How many others? How many women did you rape?

[Patrick stays silent]

Michèle Leblanc: I'm going to the police. I'll tell everything.

[last lines]

Patrick: Why?

Patrick: I have three master degrees and they are of no use. My wife who has to wake up at dawn every day, ruining her health, and we don't even have enough to buy an used motorbike. So here you should try to support me, but you aren't going to say anything, because there is nothing to be said, there is nothing to wait for.

Patrick: I'm not stupid. I'm smart.

Carl: Oh yeah, you're smart! You failed every fucking class! You were in remedial everything! You flunked fucking gym!

Patrick: What happened to your hand?

Lee Chandler: I cut it.

Patrick: Oh, thanks. For a minute there, I didn't know what happened.

Patrick: Who you gonna shoot, you or me?

Patrick: Uncle Lee, are you fundamentally unsound?

Lee Chandler: Do you actually have sex with these girls?

Patrick: Well, we don't just play computer games.

Patrick: Fuck my fucking ass.

Patrick: I got two girlfriends and I'm in a band.

Patrick: You're a fucking asshole.

Lee Chandler: You know, I've seen a school of sharks tear a boat to pieces like it was made of cardboard because some kid threw a band-aid in the water.

Patrick: Oh, yeah...

Lee Chandler: Yeah, he did! Sometimes the only way to keep them off is to throw the kid directly in the ocean to distract them!

Patrick: Shut up. Sharks don't even swim in schools!

Lee Chandler: Huh? He says sharks don't swim in schools. Smart kid.

[Lou opens the front door]

Patrick: 6 miles in 28 minutes.

Lou Clark: And... happy birthday to my girlfriend.

Patrick: Yes, happy birthday.

[Kisses her on cheek]

Patrick: Sorry, I'm a bit late.

Lou Clark: Oh, no. Only 28 minutes.

Patrick: I bought your parents cinema tickets and graddad's in his room asleep, I think.

Lou Clark: You bribed my parents and jailed my granddad, good.

Will Traynor: And Patrick, thank you for the

[pause]

Will Traynor: fitness advice.

Patrick: Just helping my girlfriend to get the best out of her job.

Will Traynor: You're a lucky man. She certainly gives a good bed bath.

Patrick: You really expect me to sit while you swan off with another man on a honeymoon?

Lou Clark: His other caregiver is coming, too.

Patrick: Oh, two guys! Oh well, well, that's alright then.

Patrick: I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room on the lips. And notice I charitably said girl and not person because let's face it, I'd smoke all you bitches.

Charlie: My Aunt Helen has said I should be a writer, but I don't know what I'd write about.

Sam: You could write about us.

Patrick: Yeah! Call it 'Slut and the Falcon'. Make us solve crimes.

Patrick: Hey, everyone! Every body! Everyone, raise your glasses to Charlie.

Charlie: What did I do?

Patrick: You didn't do anything. We just want to toast to our new friend. You see things and you understand. You're a wallflower.

[Charlie gets embarrassed]

Patrick: What is it? What's wrong?

Charlie: I didn't think anyone noticed me.

Patrick: Well we didn't think there was anyone cool left to meet! So come on everyone. To Charlie!

Mr. Callahan: Nothing, why don't you read first?

Patrick: Alright, Chapter 1: Surviving your fascist shop teacher who needs to put kids down to feel big. Oh wow! This is useful guys, we should read on!

Patrick: My turn! Let's see. Let's think... Charlie.

Charlie: Truth.

Patrick: How's your first relationship going?

Charlie: It's so bad, that I keep fantasizing that one of us is dying of cancer, so that I don't have to break up with her.

Mr. Callahan: [Mr. Callahan looks at Patrick's terrible attempt at the Shop class term project] You've gotta be kidding me.

Patrick: If you fail me, you get me next semester.

[cut to Patrick proudly announcing his C- in Shop]

Patrick: There's this one guy, queer as a 3 dollar bill. The guy's father doesn't know about his son. So, he comes into the basement one night when he's supposed to be out of town. Catches his son with another boy, so he starts beating him. But not like the slap kind, the real kind. And the boyfriend says, "Stop! You're killing him!" But the son just yells, "Get out!" And, eventually, the boyfriend just... did.

Sam: Oh my God! They're playing good music.

Patrick: Holy shit. Holy shit. They are, they're playing good music!

[Patrick holds his report card]

Patrick: C minus, ladies and gentlemen! I am below average!

Sam: Below average!

Patrick: Below average!

Patrick: Can Charlie come out and play?

Patrick: I'll tell you Sam, this one is tough. I have received a harmonica, a magnetic poetry set, a book about Harvey Milk, and a mix tape with the song Asleep on it twice. I mean, I have no idea. This collection of presents is so gay that I think I must have given them to myself. Despite that distinct possibility, I'm going to have to go with... drum roll... Charlie! Obviously!

Patrick: [after witnessing Charlie kissing Sam during a game of Truth or Dare, when he's supposed to be kissing Mary Elizabeth] Oh, that's fucked up.

Patrick: Are you baked?

Charlie: Like a cake! That's what Bob said.

Mary Elizabeth: [after Charlie has handed them a bag of gifts] Wait a second, there's only Secret Santa presents. There's rules!

Patrick: Mary Elizabeth, why are you trying to EAT Christmas?

Sam: Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah?

Sam: Who's this?

Patrick: This is...

Charlie: Charlie... Kelmeckis.

Patrick: Kelmeckis! No shit! Your sister's dating Ponytail Derek, isn't she?

Charlie: Is that what they call him?

Sam: Would you leave Ponytail Derek alone? You put the ass in class, Patrick.

Patrick: I try. Sam, I try.

Sam: It's nice to meet you, Charlie. I'm Sam.

Patrick: You gonna do anything?

Brad: What are you talking about?

Patrick: I'm talking about your pet ape just tripped me. Gonna say something?

Brad: Why would I?

Patrick: You know why.

Brad: This is pathetic, man. Your fixation on me.

Patrick: Do you want your friends to know how you got those bruises? Really?

Brad: I got jumped in a parking lot.

Patrick: Where? Schenley Park? Do you guys know about Schenley Park?

Brad: I don't know what kinda sick shit you're trying to pull, but you better walk away right now. Nothing.

Patrick: Fine. Say hi to your dad for me.

Brad: Whatever, faggot.

Patrick: Why can't you save anybody?

Charlie: I don't know.

Patrick: [mimicking his shop teacher] The prick punch is not a toy! I learned that back in 'Nam in '68. 'Callahan,' Sergeant said, 'you put down that prick punch and go kill some gooks!' And you know what happened? That prick punch killed my best friend in a Saigon whore house.

Mr. Callahan: I heard you were going to be in my class. Are you proud to be a senior having to take freshman shop, Patty-Cakes?

Patrick: Look, my name is Patrick. Either you call me Patrick or you call me nothing.

Mr. Callahan: Okay, Nothing.

Charlie: [voice-over] I felt really bad for Patrick. He wasn't doing the impersonation to be mean or anything. He was just trying to make us freshmen feel better.

Patrick: What?

Charlie: I feel infinite.

Twin Girl: Hey, Nothing.

Twin Girl: Hey, Nothing.

Patrick: Oh, suck it virginity pledges! Suck it!

Patrick: You know, I used to be popular before Sam got me some good music.

Charlie: Hey, Patrick.

Patrick: Hey! You're in my shop class, right? How's your clock coming?

Charlie: My dad's building it for me.

Patrick: Yeah. Mine looks like a boat. You wanna sit over here or are you waiting for your friends?

Charlie: No, no, no I'll sit.

Patrick: Thanks for not calling me Nothing, by the way. It's an endless nightmare. And these assholes, they actually think they're being original.

Patrick: My life is officially an after school special.

Patrick: Hey, Sam.

Sam: Question. Could the bathrooms here be anymore disgusting?

Patrick: Yes, they call it the men's room.

Sam: So, I finally got a hold of Bob.

Patrick: Party tonight?

Sam: He's still trying to shag that waitress from the Olive Garden.

Patrick: Ugh, he's never tossing that salad.

Linebacker: Hey, Nothing!

Nose Tackle: Hey, Nothing!

Patrick: Let it go! Jesus! It's an antique joke. It's over!

[trailer]

Patrick: [cheering] Be aggressive! Passive aggressive!

Patrick: How is it that you've got meaner since becoming a buddhist?

Mary Elizabeth: Just lucky, I guess.

Patrick: No, you're doing something wrong, I think.

Patrick: This is Charlie's first party ever. So I expect nice, meaningful, heartfelt blow jobs, from both of you.

Patrick: Baby, whats wrong?

Clementine: I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! I'm lost! I'm scared! I feel like I'm disappearing! MY SKIN'S COMING OFF! I'M GETTING OLD! Nothing makes any sense to me! NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!

Patrick: You know that girl we did last week? The one with the potatoes.

Stan: That girl? Yeah, that's this guy's girl.

Patrick: Yeah.

Stan: Right... Was. Took care of that.

Patrick: Well uh, I kind of fell in love with her that night.

Stan: What? You little fuck!

Patrick: What?

Stan: She was unconscious, man.

Patrick: Well, she was beautiful and... I stole a pair of her panties as well.

Stan: Jesus!

Patrick: What? It's not like - I mean they were clean and all.

Stan: Don't tell me this stuff! I don't wanna hear this shit!

[Patrick knocks on Joel's car window while parked in front of Clem's apartment]

Joel: Yes?

Patrick: Can I help you?

Joel: What do you mean?

Patrick: Can I help you with something?

Joel: No.

Patrick: What are you doing here?

Joel: I'm not really sure what you're asking.

Patrick: Oh, thanks...

Clementine: HEY! Lets go out dancing! You want to go out to Montauk with me?

Patrick: Montauk?

Clementine: Yeah, NO! Come out to Boston with me!

Patrick: Sure, we can go next weekend.

Clementine: NO! Now! Now! I have to go see the frozen Charles NOW!

Patrick: Mary hates me. I've never been popular with the ladies.

Stan: Maybe if you stopped stealing their panties.

Clementine: [Clem arrives home to see Patrick waiting for her] Patrick, get the fuck awa...

Patrick: -What's wrong?

Clementine: Get the fuck away from me!

Patrick: Do you wanna talk about it?

Clementine: NO! Get the fuck away!

Patrick: Your turn, Gus.

Augustus Waters: Yeah, sure. I'm, uh, I'm Augustus Waters. I'm 18 years old. I had a touch of osteosarcoma about a year and a half ago. And I lost this baby as a result.

[pulls up his right trouser leg to reveal a prosthetic leg]

Augustus Waters: And now I'm part cyborg, which is awesome. But really I'm just here at Isaac's request.

Isaac: Yeah.

Patrick: And how are you feeling, Gus?

Augustus Waters: I'm grand! Yeah. I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend.

Patrick: [about Boone and Little Bear] Don't put them together. You know; "Cowboys and Indians".

Omri: Duh!

Boone: Indians?

Patrick: The forecast for tonight is cold.

Patrick: [as Patrick] How you doing, John Doe?

Patrick: [as John Doe] I'm doing good, Patrick, really good.

Patrick: [as Patrick] And so tell me, John, are you happy?

Patrick: [as John Doe] Of course, Patrick, why wouldn't I be?

Patrick: [as Patrick] Well, maybe because you haven't talked to anybody for nine years.

Patrick: [as Patrick] Besides your stupid dog.

Lu: What about geography? Did you know about geography? Let's see. In what country is the Great Wall of China?

Patrick: [acting] Oh, gosh. Uh, Mexico.

Lu: Nope. China. And do you know what language they speak there?

Patrick: [pretending to think] Uh... Chinese.

Lu: Very good. And do you know what the population is?

Patrick: Right now?

[Jack snorts, Patrick chuckles in response and the two begin to laugh]

Lu: [confused] What is it? What's so funny? Why are you laughing?

[Patrick and John are laughing harder]

Patrick: Oh, shit.

Lu: Dad, he said a swear word! If you swear, people will think badly of you! Right, Dad?

Jack: [laughing] I know. I know.

Patrick: They will. It's pretty important what people think about us right now.

[laughs]

Jack: Yeah. Well, especially the Chinese! Goddamn Chine...

[the two men lose themselves in hysterical laughter]

Patrick: You know that death is the most beautiful part of life, right? Death is beautiful because we all fear death. And fear is the most amazing emotion of all because it creates complete awareness. It brings you to now, and it makes you truly present. And when you're truly present, that's nirvana. That's pure love. So death is pure love.

Patrick: Hey! It's Dylan, right?

Dylan: Yeah. Yeah.

Patrick: Think you're gonna win tomorrow?

Dylan: I don't know. But I really, really want to.

Patrick: Yeah? Why is that?

Dylan: Well... You know, everyone loves a winner. Right? And if... if I go home a winner, maybe my dad... might want to hang out with me.

Patrick: Well, you know what? He's family, mate. And sometimes... Sometimes they take a little while to come good. But, uh, if you stick with them, they will, eventually.

Dylan: Well, I hope you're right. Thanks, Mr Jones.

Patrick: Sorry, Mrs. Natolly. Tamara wants you dead.

Kisha: [on Tamara being alive] Well did you talk to her?

Patrick: Talk to her? Hell No! I was too busy shitting my pants!

Patrick: You're Wendy Hearst, right?

[Clint puts on the video glasses for the first time with his friends Shane and Patrick]

Shane: Oh, perfect fit!

Patrick: Gimme! Gimme one of these!

Shane: It's perfect! N-I-I-I-C-E!

Clint: What?

Shane: That shit is so quad. You can't even fuckin' tell!

Shane: [Shane and Patrick walk Clint to look at himself in the mirror] Oh, my god! Look at him, huh? Hey, dude, check it out, check it out. You like these glasses, right?

Clint: Yeah.

Shane: These are not just any glasses, my friend.

Clint: They're dork glasses.

Shane: These are video glasses, bitch! There's a camera in that shit!

Patrick: There's a fuckin' mic in that shit!

Shane: Yeah! Yeah! Dude, Look at 'em! You can't see it! It's awesome!

Clint: Where can you get em'?

Patrick: Internet, like...

[Patrick continues to laugh all over]

Shane: Oh, it's so good! I can't even...

Clint: Am I just, like, a spy now?

Shane: Yeah, superspy, man... super ass-and-titty spy. Yeah, tonight, I'm telling you.

Clint: I get it. I know what you want to do.

Patrick: [Patrick laughs and yells out] Yeah, you do! Oh, come on, turn it on! Man! Let's do this! Come on.

Patrick: You're gonna burn motherfucker

Patrick: You did that to him to your own son

Father Conway: I have no son

Alex: Well, Quentin Tarantino said "I didn't go to film school, I went to films."

Patrick: Yeah, but Quentin Tarantino eats my ass.

Scott: I, my friends, have found the secret of true happiness.

Patrick: Oh, really? And what might that be?

Scott: Death.

Patrick: What does a serial killer eat for breakfast? Some chips and some milk. Milk. It does the body good.

Patrick: Tomorrow can't come soon enough for me.

Patrick: I welcome death, yay, I beg for death.

Patrick: Death is my friend.

Patrick: The sun rising above the horizon.

Patrick: What a wonderful day to die.