Pat Healy Quotes in There's Something About Mary (1998)

[after telling Mary that he's an architect]

Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.

Mary: And what's that?

Pat Healy: I work with retards.

Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

Norm: Really? Where would I have seen your work?

Pat Healy: Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see... Santiago, Chile?

Norm: Twice last year. Which building's yours?

Pat Healy: Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?

Norm: Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?

Pat Healy: No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself.

Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.

Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!

Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.

[spying on Mary]

Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

[Tossing drug-laced doggie treats into Mary's apartment]

Pat Healy: Wait... how many is this?

Norm: Umm... four.

Pat Healy: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?

Norm: I never said that.

Pat Healy: ...eh.

[tosses another through the window anyway]

Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?

Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.

Ted: With who?

Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.

Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?

Pat Healy: It *was*. They're changing their image.

[Pretending to like retarded kids]

Pat Healy: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.

Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?

Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.

Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

[while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride]

Brett Favre: Hi, Mary!

Mary: [astonished] Brett?

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.

Ted: Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

[Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre]

Ted: Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.

Pat Healy: My real passion is my hobby.

Mary: Really, what's that?

Pat Healy: I work with retards.

Mary: Isn't that a little, uhm, politically incorrect?

Pat Healy: Well, heh, to hell with that... no one's going to tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

Mary: No, I mean...

Pat Healy: We got this one kid, Mongo... He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he's a good ship. So we don't bust his chops too much. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...

Mary: They keep him in a cage?

Pat Healy: Well, it's just an enclosure...

Mary: No, but they keep him confined?

Pat Healy: Right, yeah.

Mary: That's bullshit!

Pat Healy: Well, that's what I said! So, I went out and I got him, uh, I got him a leash.

Mary: A leash?

Pat Healy: Yeah, one of those ones you can hook on the clothesline, and he can run back and forth and, uh, there's plenty of room for him to dig and play. That kid is really, uh, he's really blossomed.

Mary: You've been to Nepal?

Pat Healy: Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.

[Pointing to large dog in back seat]

Pat Healy: Does he bite?

Sully: A little bit. Get in.

[Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary]

Pat Healy: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck

[Ted]

Pat Healy: outta the fuckin' picture!

Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?

Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

Pat Healy: [after hearing Tucker's conversation with Mary] You're gonna pay, fucker.

McKittrick: General, the machine has locked us out. It's sending random numbers to the silos.

Pat Healy: Codes. To launch the missiles.

General Beringer: Just unplug the goddamn thing! Jesus Christ!

McKittrick: That won't work, General. It would interpret a shutdown as the destruction of NORAD. The computers in the silos would carry out their last instructions. They'd launch.

General Beringer: Can't we disarm the missiles?

Pat Healy: Over a thousand of them? There's no time. At this rate it will hit the launch codes in... 5.3 minutes.

General Beringer: [smiles sarcastically at McKittrick] Mr. McKittrick, after very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks.

McKittrick: I don't have to take that, you pig-eyed sack of shit.

General Beringer: Oh, I was hoping for something a little better than that from you, sir. A man of your education.

Major Lem: [holding a telephone] General, it's the president.

McKittrick: What are you... what are you going to tell him?

General Beringer: I'm ordering our bombers back to fail-safe. We might have to go through this thing after all.