Pat Quotes in Avenging Angel (1985)

Pat: I think you're going about it the wrong way. That can't be a way to change a diaper.

Mike: Why not?

Pat: You'll have him peein' backwards.

Mike: How do you pee backwards?

Pat: Easy, you have the stove pipe pointed in the wrong direction.

Pat: You think Little Buck's gonna like this?

Mike: Sure, why not?

Pat: Do you think it's his color?

Mike: Which one?

Pat: Really.

Pat: Why couldn't we have made it Acupulco, instead of this poison paradise?

Gloria Davis: All you would have found there would have been white widows.

Pat: Want some?

Mike Logan: No, I don't drink. This here is my speed.

Pat: Cocaine?

Mike Logan: Want some?

Mike Logan: Wanna know something? I had you nailed down the minute I saw you.

Pat: Oh you did? What, that I'm a little whore?

Mike Logan: All the way. A hot-pussied little whore, who arrived down here looking for freedom, a victim of Puritanical breeding, seeking release for strange new feelings.

Pat: The only way you can beat my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck.

Pat: The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy.

Tiffany: Why did you order raisin bran?

Pat: Why did you order tea?

Tiffany: Because you ordered raisin bran.

Pat: I ordered raisin bran because I didn't want there to be any mistaking it for a date.

Tiffany: It can still be a date if you order raisin bran.

Pat: How old are you?

Tiffany: Old enough to have a marriage end and not wind up in a mental hospital.

[holding hands]

Pat: Wait, what's this?

Tiffany: I thought you were doing it.

Pat: I thought you were doing it.

Pat: This is what I learned at the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.

Tiffany: You let me lie to you for a week?

Pat: I was trying to be romantic.

Tiffany: You love me?

Pat: Yeah, I do.

Tiffany: Okay.

[kisses him]

Officer Keogh: Hey, aren't you Tommy's widow?

Tiffany: Yes, I'm Tommy's crazy whore widow. Minus the whore thing, for the most part.

Officer Keogh: You want to get a drink sometime?

[Tiffany turns around and walks away in disgust]

Pat: You shouldn't say that to her. She doesn't do that anymore.

Officer Keogh: What? What did I say?

Pat: She doesn't do that anymore.

Pat: You have poor social skills. You have a problem.

Tiffany: I have a problem? You say more inappropriate things than appropriate things.

Pat: Hey, my friend Ronnie is having this party on Sunday night and it's like a real hoity-toity thing. And his wife Veronica is a real stickler for... I don't know. My mom got this Gap outfit she wants me to wear, but I want to wear a jersey that my brother Jake got me from the Eagles

Dr. Cliff Patel: Which jersey?

Pat: DeSean Jackson.

Dr. Cliff Patel: DeSean Jackson is the man.

Pat: Well, that settles that.

Tiffany: Hey!

Pat: What the fuck? I'm married!

Tiffany: So am I!

Pat: What the fuck are you doing? Your husband's dead!

Tiffany: Where's your wife?

Pat: You're crazy!

Tiffany: I'm not the one who just got out of that hospital in Baltimore.

Pat: And I'm not the big slut!... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.

Tiffany: I was a big slut, but I'm not any more. There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself fucker? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?

Tiffany: You know, for a while, I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me. But now I'm starting to think you're the worst.

Pat: Of course you do. Come on, let's go dance.

Tiffany: You know what, forget I offered to help you. Forget the entire fucking idea, because that must have been fucking crazy, because I'm so much CRAZIER than you!

Pat: [Indifferent] Keep your voice down.

Tiffany: I'm just the crazy slut with a dead husband!

Tiffany: [Tiffany laughs insanely]

Pat: [Still mostly indifferent] Shut the fuck up.

Tiffany: [Yelling] Fuck you!

Tiffany: [Tiffany sweeps everything off the table onto the floor]

Tiffany: [Walking away] You shut the fuck up!

Pat: You look nice.

Tiffany: Thank you.

Pat: Oh, I'm not flirting with you.

Tiffany: Oh, I didn't think you were.

Pat: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die?

[Tiffany looks shocked and sad]

Pat: It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.

Tiffany: Wow.

Pat: She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.

Tiffany: It's gonna be amazing, and you're gonna be amazing, and she's gonna be amazing, and you're not gonna be that guy that's gonna take advantage of a situation without offering to do something back. So think about the dance thing.

[Tiffany turns and walks off]

Tiffany: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.

Pat: You're not Nikki.

[does the walk anyway]

Tiffany: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.

Pat: I don't feel anything.

Jordie: Hi, guys. How's it going? Hey. Is Tiffany home?

Tiffany's Mother: Go away.

Jordie: I know her. I know her, we've dated. We still date.

Pat: What are you doing here?

Jordie: I've called her, I've texted her.

Pat: [to Tiffany's parents] Do you know this guy?

Jordie: I still haven't heard back. We used to work together...

Tiffany's Father: Just get the hell out of here...

Jordie: I just wanted to give you my card to give to her.

Tiffany's Father: Another rude creep.

Pat: Listen to what he's saying. Listen to what he's saying.

Jordie: What's he saying?

Pat: He's saying you're being rude.

Jordie: How am I being rude?

Pat: Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it's okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun and it's not because they got a broken wing, and they're hurt, and they're an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed. And you gotta make sure it gets mended. And you're gettin' in the way of that right now, okay? Because she's sensitive and she's smart, she's artistic. This is a great girl and you gotta be respectful of that. Come on. Let me walk you down to your car. You're a better guy than this. I can see it in your eyes.

Jordie: She just texted me!

Ronnie: Oh, she's a mess. You gotta be careful. She goes to a lot of therapy.

Pat: I go to a lot of therapy, Ronnie. What are you trying to say?

Ronnie: I'm just saying.

Tiffany: Listen, I haven't dated since before my marriage so I don't really remember how this works.

Pat: How what works?

Tiffany: I saw the way you were looking at me, Pat. You felt it, I felt it, don't lie. We're not liars like they are. I live in the addition around back, which is completely separate from my parents' house, so there's no chance of them walking in on us. I hate the fact that you wore a football jersey to dinner because I hate football, but you can fuck me if you turn the lights off, okay?

Dolores: It's game day. I'm making crabby snacks and homemades.

Pat: Yeah, come on, Dad, be nice. Come on, she's making crabby snacks and homemades!

Pat: [to his mother] Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.

Danny: Bad combination.

Pat: On top of an anxiety disorder.

Pat: Mom, can we stop at the library? I want to read Nikki's entire high school syllabus.

Pat: We have a very unconventional chemistry, it makes people feel awkward, but not me. Alright? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.

Tiffany: Wow.

Pat: She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.

Tiffany: It's gonna be amazing, and you're gonna be amazing, and she's gonna be amazing, and you're not gonna be that guy that's gonna take advantage of a situation without offering to do something back. So think about the dance thing.

[Tiffany turns and walks off]

Pat: I don't have an iPod. I don't have a phone. They don't let me make calls. I'm going to call Nikki.

Pat: Nikki's waiting for me to get in shape and get my life back together. Then we're going to be together.

Pat: [to Jake] As my friend Danny would say... I got nothing but love for you, brother.

Leslie Miller: Hey! Hey! I got second runner up! I got second place!

Pat: Third.

Leslie Miller: Huh?

Pat: Third.

Leslie Miller: No, I got...

[to the camera as she runs off following Pat]

Leslie Miller: Bye!

Crystal Allen: [while on the phone with Steven] What if I cook us a romantic dinner tonight?

Pat: The big white square thing with the fire coming out of it is the stove.

Crystal Allen: I'm having him dine at my place. It's about time he found out I was a home girl.

Pat: A home girl? Get her! Why don't you borrow the quintuplets for the evening?

Crystal Allen: Because I'm all the baby he wants, pet.

Lulu: Will I find anything in that ice box of yours?

Pat: Yeah, cobwebs and a bottle of gin.

Crystal Allen: [answering phone] Hello? Oh, hello, Stephen.

[surprised]

Crystal Allen: What? Well uh... Don't worry, my sweet, I... Of course, I don't mind your breaking our engagement! Well, that is, I mind, of course, but it's such good discipline for my selfishness about you.

Pat: Holy mackerel, what a line!

Crystal Allen: [to Pat] Shut up, will ya?

Crystal Allen: [to Stephen] Well, I, uh... I was going to surprise you tonight, darling, and... and cook dinner myself in my little apartment.

[laughs]

Crystal Allen: Why, of course I can cook!

Pat: She thinks because Lulu's dark, he wont be able to see her!

Crystal Allen: [to Pat] Shhh!

Crystal Allen: [to Stephen] Oh, well, you don't know half my accomplishments...

Pat: I'll say he doesn't!

Crystal Allen: [to Pat] Will you get out of here?

Crystal Allen: [to Stephen] Oh... Oh, well, that's all right, Stephen; I'll save you a piece of the cake... with a candle on it. Ah, well, I didn't want to tell you before, Stephen, because I was afraid you might do something extravagant! Oh, it is dear of you to want to be with me on my birthday, but... I won't be lonely. No, honestly, I won't. And uh... if this weather lets up, my neuralgia will be better...

[shaky voiced]

Crystal Allen: then maybe I can... Oh no! It's nothing. It's just nerves. I had a rather gloomy letter from home today. My little sister, she's not very well...

Pat: What's wrong with her? She got a hangover?

Crystal Allen: [ignoring Pat] But she'll be all right. Yes, I... I'm holding the thought. Oh, no, Stephen! I couldn't think of your disarranging your evening! I'll have another birthday next year!

Pat: You'll have another one next week!

Crystal Allen: [to Pat] Look, so help me, I'm gonna slug you!

Crystal Allen: [to Stephen] Oh, Stephen, if you could drop by for just a few moments and have a glass of sherry to my health. Oh, Stephen... Oh, I do need you so... Yes, dear... Yes, darling, I'll meet you on our corner in five minutes!

[sends kisses into the phone]

Crystal Allen: Goodbye!

[hangs up]

Crystal Allen: [to Pat] Say, can you beat him? He almost stood me up for his wife!

Pat: The Death Star would take out the Enterprise with one shot.

Jenny: The Enterprise has deflector shields!

Jeff: This morning I was meant to have a business meeting with the Kevins and destiny, and now you're here at this, this weird hooters thing. And so now, I'm just trying to figure out how to proceed.

Pat: What you just said sounded like Yoda took acid and stumbled into a business meeting.

Jeff: You can make all the fun of Yoda that you want. Yoda would be fucking killer in a business meeting.

Jeff: Why can't you just tell her the truth?

Pat: Are you kidding? Do you know anything about adult relationships?

Pat: And what is this, a sex board?

Hood: So, what we wanna know is are you a brotha or a sista?

Pat: Well, I'm an only child...

Pat: I played with the Ween!

Pat: Spekanse americano por favor?

Crystal Allen: One of these days I'm gonna have a bathroom the size of Radio City Music Hall!

Pat: Whoever gets that dirty?

Pat: At least he sent you roses! I had one guy send one lily with a black ribbon around it!

Pat: Believe me, I think you're playing this thing all wrong. Smart girls take what they can get.

Crystal Allen: Smart girls get what they can take.

Crystal Allen: Okay, honey, now blow, will ya?

Pat: Come on, Crystal, let me rest a minute.

Crystal Allen: Oh, Pat, please!

Judith Moore: I want to feel my life. I want to stop agreeing to things, I don't really want.

Pat: Then stop!

Pat: I know what it is.

Amber: What what is?

Pat: My "desert-island band."

Amber: Tell somebody who gives a shit.

Pat: It's funny. You were so scary at night.

Pat: This... is a nightmare.

[last lines]

Darcy: For us all.

Amber: Please tell me those stupid fucking words are his last!

Pat: I am Odin himself!

Kate: Looking for something?

Pat: Shit! I thought you were your father.

Kate: Well, you better be glad I'm not.

Kate: One thing at a time. Right now you have to take care of what you need to be taking care of and you may just find that the rest will take care of itself. Think about it.

Pat: Ain't nothing to think about

Pat: She sure is beautiful.

Bokky: So's a sunset, but you're not going to fuck that, either.

Pat: [trying to push through the apartment door] Well, baby, it's been a nice evening.

Frances Ransom: [holding him back] Why not let it stay that way? Good night!

Police Lt. Joe Warne: [waiting inside apartment] That's as good a block as I ever saw. Ever thought of trying out for the Green Bay Packers?

Douglas: There's people with longer hair than me.

Pat: Fags.

Pat: You and me are gonna tango my friend!

Frank R. Enley: [desperately looking for Johnny] Where do I find him? Where does he live?

Pat: I don't know. Nobody knows!

Frank R. Enley: Well, there must be some way I can find...

Pat: Guys like him don't tell where they live!

Francis: Nice outfit.

Pat: Do I know you?

Francis: I doubt it. I've gone to private schools all my life and I'm rich as shit.

Pat: Oh, that's right. You're Francis. I thought I recognized those small tits.

Pat: What... Were... The... Scores?

Tony: Whoa, whoa, easy Grandma easy. Didn't mean to scare you.

Grandma: Oh really, 'fuckface'? Do I look scared to you?

Tony: Calm down. It's not the 1st time I've had a gun pointed at me.

Grandma: Oh, maybe so, but it could be the last time anyone shoots your balls off! Ha ha, now that's better. Now you 'Bald Ass'!

[points gun at Muscles]

Grandma: and you 'Fat Ass'

[points gun at Pat]

Grandma: and you 'Black Ass'

[points gun at Q]

Grandma: get back in your shit mobile and piss off! Go rob a post office or something!

Pat: We'd love to but we ran out of fuel and we barely made it here.

Grandma: Then go rob a freaking petrol station or something!

Q: I understand how this looks. We're not here to rob anyone. We just saw the car and...

Grandma: Thought you'd get a closer look eh?. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I just might shoot the lot of you anyways!

Q: Whoa, easy, easy, all right? You're not gonna shoot anyone.

Grandma: Oh, really?

Q: Yeah, because if you do, you'll attract every member of the undead within a 10-mile radius and I know you don't want to do that. Look, you even took the wind-chimes from your front door.

Muscles: We understand that we startled you out here all alone.

Cassie: [out of nowhere she appears pointing a gun at Q's head] What makes you think she's all alone?

Grandma: Going somewhere good are we?

Tony: Put the fucking gun down!

Grandma: No, after you.

Tony: Ladies 1st!

Q: Ton, what's going on?

Tony: We're leaving!

Grandma: Not with all our food you're not!

Tony: Don't fucking argue with me! We are heading for the coast. I got the car keys in me pocket.

Q: Ton, this is wrong mate.

Tony: Oh shut up you soppy little cunt! What do you know about right and fucking wrong? Was it 'right' for any of 'this' to happen? Was it ' right' for us to rob a bank? Was it 'right' to steal a van? No! Yes it is a piece of shit fucking van with me mate's blood all over it!

Q: Why don't you lower the gun?

Tony: Shut up! Was it 'right' for fucking Danny to be buried in the mud? No! Was it 'right' for Crazy Steve to be eaten by those fucking things?

Cassie: Tony, look...

Tony: Shut the fuck up you cunt!

[Pat & Muscles enter the room]

Tony: Pat, we leaving mate, Muscles, I got the car keys in me pocket mate!

Pat: What?

Muscles: Tony, no mate...

Grandma: You're not going anywhere!

Tony: Shut up you old cow or I'll shoot you then I'll shoot your fucking granddaughter!

Grandma: You pathetic little man!

Tony: Oh yeah?

[starts to shoot gun but it only clicks]

Cassie: You evil fuck!

Grandma: You thought I would leave a loaded gun in the house with someone like you around?

Pat: Well, what do you know! I forgot to put milk out for the cat.

Hugh: Are you crazy? We ain't got no cat.

Pat: Oh. Well, why waste the milk? I'll go bring it in.

Roy Rogers: How about it, Gabby?

Gabby: Me, I'm rarin' for a ruckus too.

Pat: And baby makes three.

Bob Nolan: Four!

Roy Rogers: Well, come on, boys.

Pat: Oh, I hate the country. I'm afraid of the wildflowers.

Carter: Too young.

Pat: Not Forever.

Pat: Do you really want to fall in love with someone who doesn't appreciate a good cheeseburger?

Pat: Canine ownership has nothing to do with mankind's love of animals. A guy gets a dog for one simple reason: to meet chicks.

[while singing "Hot Lead", Pat fires his pistol six times]

Lee Madison: What's that, a six-shooter?

Pat: Nope, it's a sixteen-shooter.

[Pat fires ten more times]

[Gabby and Pat have crashed Gabby's car]

Pat: Why, you misplaced son of a half-witted hurricane, you've killed me!

Gabby: Awww, shucks, you ain't hurt none. A little shakin'-up's good for your liver. Well, what are you going to do about my car now that you've wrecked it?

Pat: What am I gonna to do about it? I'm gonna sue you for everything you've got!

Gabby: [gesturing toward his car] Well, that's all I got! Sue me.

Larry Kinkaid: Are you trying to tell me you didn't plant that homesteader in that canyon just so he'd block my road?

Bob Harper: I give you my word. I never even though of doing a thing like that!

Larry Kinkaid: Well, then... who did?

Pat: Maybe he just hatched there from an egg.

Larry Kinkaid: Yeah? Well, maybe you're not so stupid as you look, but I doubt it.