Papa Klump Quotes in The Nutty Professor (1996)

Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.

Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.

[lets a loud fart, and Ernie Jr. starts laughing harder and harder]

Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.

Mama Klump: Every time we have a meal, you start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!

Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.

Papa Klump: Don't you talk about puttin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

Mama Klump: I didn't say nothin' about puttin' no hose up nobody's ass. Clesius, I said -...

Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?

[Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out of control laughter]

Mama Klump: You're chokin' the baby.

Papa Klump: As Iong as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.

[lets another loud fart]

Grandma Klump: Who will call my name?

Papa Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is -...

[farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]

Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.

[picks up a knife]

Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.

Papa Klump: You know, I can go all night.

[lets another loud fart]

Mama Klump: I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.

[Clesius lets another fart, and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]

Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!

[Clesius lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]

Papa Klump: Oops! Now see what you made me do?

[starts running away clutching his pants]

Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!

Mama Klump: Cletus, come clean this garbage up.

Papa Klump: Man, I'm watchin' TV!

Grandma Klump: I'll kick your lazy ass up.

Papa Klump: I told you, none of your damn business!

Grandma Klump: You lazy mother...!

Grandma Klump: [starts coughing heavily]

Papa Klump: Everybody better cover your plate.

Mama Klump: Here, momma, have some water.

Grandma Klump: Whatcha talking' about cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.

Mama Klump: Cletus, the dog has ripped the garbage bag open again.

Papa Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog!

Mama Klump: I ain't shootin' no dog!

Papa Klump: I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."

Papa Klump: You can sew up your stomach and your asshole and you will always be fat.

Papa Klump: [When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage] Someone had better go and call the exorcist!

Papa Klump: [as Grandma continues talking, to his wife] That's your ho ass mama.

Mama Klump: [whispers] Cletus!

Granny Klump: You better eat up Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength. Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch "Mating Season on the Serengeti." Doesn't take a lot to get Isaac going

Papa Klump: Timeout! Let me call a timeout on that

Mama Klump: Lord, my, my.

Papa Klump: I don't want to hear about you old-ass geriatrics.

Granny Klump: Oh, yeah Cletus? Me and Isaac might be dried up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac'a love tackle.

[Table falls silent]

Ernie Klump: Oh snap, now.

Granny Klump: What's a matter Cletus, cat got your tongue? Did I step on a nerve Cletus? I get ya, got ya, got ya!

Grandma Klump: Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.

Papa Klump: Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.

Mama Klump: Cletus!

Papa Klump: She's an old bag with old bag tittie.

Ernie Klump: [quietly to Ernie Jr] Heh, he called Grandma a titty bag.

Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?

Papa Klump: Come on, shoot.

Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, nigga!

Papa Klump: What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?

Grandma Klump: The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!

Papa Klump: You wanna know what's permanent, Sherman? You know what's permanent? I'll tell you. What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, boy, if you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.

Sherman Klump: Yeah, it's true, Daddy. Yeah, I know I sure do love Denise.

Papa Klump: Well, then y'all gotta get back together then!

Sherman Klump: Get back together... Daddy, that's it! Get back together!

Papa Klump: Yeah! That's right!

Sherman Klump: If we get back together, then that'll make everything okay!

Papa Klump: Dynamite! Go and call the girl!

Sherman Klump: No, not Denise, I'm talking about Buddy!

Papa Klump: Say what?

Sherman Klump: If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise!

Papa Klump: Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp!

Sherman Klump: I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young. I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest it... I eat it! I eat it!

Papa Klump: Huh? Say what now?

Sherman Klump: That's it! Daddy, that'll work! I wouldn't have even thought about that. This is fantastic!

[leaves]

Papa Klump: What are you gonna eat? Sherman!

Papa Klump: Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You look like a roast chicken!

Sherman Klump: [to Denise] I just want to say I'm sorry. I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, I thought that you wouldn't have me then.

Denise: Sherman...

Sherman Klump: Hear me out... I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself. But I...

Denise: Sherman? Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman!

Papa Klump: C'mon, can't you hear, son?

Denise: [persistent] Sherman, look at me! Who am I?

Sherman Klump: [without memory] Pretty lady!

Denise: [sobbing] Oh, honey!

[hugs Sherman]

Denise: It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.

Sherman Klump: [gleefully, at same time] Oh, that's nice! Nice.

Papa Klump: Come on, let's get the boy home.

Sherman Klump: Nice lady!

Grandma Klump: Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?

Papa Klump: Say what?

[Chantel laughs loudly]

Grandma Klump: 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.

Mama Klump: Mama, don't start! Stop it!

Papa Klump: You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...

Chantal: [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp doodle!

[Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]

Chantal: Oops, sorry.

Grandma Klump: [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!

Mama Klump: Clesius!

[to Chantal and Grandma]

Mama Klump: Oh, look what you've done! Oh.

Chantal: Oh... I...

Papa Klump: You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.

[storms out]

Mama Klump: Oh, Clesius, Clesius, wait! Clesius! Oh, Clesius! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.

Papa Klump, Mama Klump, Chantal: [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless crap'!

[Cletus leaves]

Mama Klump: [sadly] Cletus! Cletus! Oh!

Papa Klump: If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!

Papa Klump: [to Ernie Jr. who just belched in a restaurant] Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans before we came down here, you don't see me sitting here doing the old butt trumpet, do you?

Papa Klump: [after Denise finds out about Buddy Love] What's going on with you, Sherman and Buddy, some kind of menage a trois or something?

[Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]

Papa Klump: Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?

Papa Klump: Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&Ms.

Papa Klump: What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?

Mama Klump: No, Cletus, I don't wanna be young! Cletus, we supposed to be who we are and I'm just fine with who I am! But obviously, what you're trying to say is that you're just TIRED of the fat old woman that you got married to!

Papa Klump: Oh no, Anna, that's not what I'm saying! That's ain't what I'm saying at all, Anna - !

Mama Klump: [sobbing] Downstairs!

Papa Klump: Anna, please! Don't baby, I'm just trying to - !

Mama Klump: I think you better sleep downstairs, Cletus!

Papa Klump: But I...!

Mama Klump: Downstairs, Cletus! I don't want to hear it!

[sobs]

Mama Klump: Oh, Cletus, I'm so disappointed in you!