Pam Byrnes Quotes in Meet the Parents (2000)

[Jack's Poem]

Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life / You gave me milk / You gave me courage / Your name was Angela / The angel from Heaven / But you were also an angel of God / And He needed you, too / Selfishly I tried to keep you here / While the cancer ate away your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force / But I couldn't save you / and I shall see your face nevermore, nevermore, nevermore / Until we meet in heaven.

Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.

Dina Byrnes: It always gets me.

Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.

Pam Byrnes: Geez, Dad. You ever think of knocking?

Jack Byrnes: Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?

Larry: I'd say rounding 2nd base.

Pam Byrnes: Greg honey, how are you doing?

Greg Focker: Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your father ask me to milk him.

[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]

Pam Byrnes: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?

Greg Focker: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.

Pam Byrnes: You never told me about your cat milking days in Motown.

Pam Byrnes: Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.

Greg Focker: What are they... Amish?

Pam Byrnes: I love you, Dad, but you can be a real jerk sometimes.

Pam Byrnes: Hey, listen, be nice to this one, okay? I kinda like him.

Greg Focker: Does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?

Pam Byrnes: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.

Greg Focker: What?

Pam Byrnes: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 34 years.

Greg Focker: How could you not tell me this?

Pam Byrnes: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly on a "need-to-know" basis.

Greg Focker: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?

Pam Byrnes: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.

Greg Focker: Oh yea. That's great. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.

Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?

Roz Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?

Bernie Focker: You people?

Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.

Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

Greg Focker: Mom.

Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?

Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.

Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.

Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?

[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]

Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.

Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.

Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?

[everyone is quiet]

Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

Greg Focker: What happened last night?

Pam Byrnes: Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant, you revealed you have a 15 year old son named Jorge, and oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom.

Pam Byrnes: In a few weeks, I'm not going to be Pam Byrnes. I'm going to be Pamela Focker.

Greg Focker: Or Byrnes-Focker, we haven't totally decided yet.

Pam Byrnes: No, no, no, I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but that's the name I'm taking.

Greg Focker: It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby.

[blows her a kiss]

Greg Focker: I still masturbate to Pam.

Pam Byrnes: Greg.

Greg Focker: What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just

[shakes head making motorboat noise]

Greg Focker: . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.

Pam Byrnes: Honey.

Greg Focker: Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!

[chuckles]

Greg Focker: Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.

[Spies Jorge]

Greg Focker: Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.

Pam Byrnes: Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?

Greg Focker: No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.

[hugs him]

Greg Focker: It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.

[passes out]

Jack Byrnes: You knew she was pregnant?

Dina Byrnes: We all did, Jack.

Pam Byrnes: Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.

Jack Byrnes: This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.

Pam Byrnes: But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.

Pam Byrnes: Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.

Greg Focker: No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.

Pam Byrnes: She what?

Greg Focker: Yeah, and then she told my dad.

Pam Byrnes: Oh, my God.

Pam Byrnes: This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.

Greg Focker: They're great in small doses.