Page Conners Quotes in Heartbreakers (2001)

Max Conners: How do I look?

Page Conners: If I were a guy, I'd do you.

Jack Withrowe: [on the phone] Why won't you talk to me?

Page Conners: [on the phone] Because there's nothing to say.

[Jack appears from behind "Jane's" car]

Jack Withrowe: Then why are you here?

Max Conners: I'm sorry, Page. I'm a terrible mother. I'm a terrible everything.

Page Conners: [comforting her] You're finally seeing things clearly.

Page Conners: [to Jack] Listen, mouth-breather, I'm fully capable and in the mood to beat the shit out of your psychotic, sulking ass!

Page Conners: Look, just give it to me, or would you rather have my heel up your ass?

Jack Withrowe: Who told you I'm into that?

Jack Withrowe: Isn't that the shoe you wanted to jam up my ass?

Page Conners: No, that was the 6" heel.

Page Conners: [on a deserted beach at night] You're not out here burying high school kids, are you?

Jack Withrowe: Well, they egged my car.

Jack Withrowe: Tell me to my face you don't love me.

Page Conners: I don't love you.

Jack Withrowe: Wow. More believable than I thought it would be.

Page Conners: There's no love. It's the trick of the brain. It's the combination of chemicals and hormones.

Page Conners: You spy on people humping in boats? That's so perverted.

Jack Withrowe: No, I look at stars.

Page Conners: Look, just because they're famous doesn't mean they don't deserve their privacy too. Who ya got?

Jack Withrowe: The stars up there.

[points to sky]

Page Conners: You mean you come all the way out here to stare at space and shit?

Jack Withrowe: No, I come out here to get away from the lights of the city so I can SEE the space and shit.

Max Conners: I am in terrific shape. Feel my butt!

Page Conners: Uh, I am not feeling your butt again, Mother. We all know it's wonderful.

Page Conners: I'd have to kiss that?

Max Conners: Well, I'd have to kiss that way more than you.

Page Conners: Maybe you're into necrophilia.

Page Conners: Why can't we pick someone kinda cute?

Max Conners: Dean was kinda cute.

Page Conners: You're in serious denial.

Max Conners: Cute is dangerous. Cute leads to feeling, which leads to screwing, which leads to screwed.

Dean: Shut up, junior slut! Get over there! Ya know, you two got some brass balls in those panties, I'll give ya that. And in the few moments you have left, I wanna see some beggin' and some pleadin'.

[points gun at Max and Page]

Page Conners: Uh, Mom...

Max Conners: Dean... you've got so many tells. You are not the killing type.

Dean: Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge, here. Don't!

Max Conners: [takes gun from Dean and opens it] See... no bullets.

Dean: Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide!

Jack Withrowe: Hi. Can I get you a drink?

Page Conners: Wow! I've never heard that one before. You really blow me away with your creativity.

Jack Withrowe: Well, I...

Page Conners: "Well, I, uh..." Your recovery's even better! Do you even care at all who I am? I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately *those* are not the matters the male penis ponders. So please tell me, why did you walk all the way over here to ask to get me a drink?

Jack Withrowe: Well, because... I'm the bartender.

Page Conners: [to Jack] Since you can't seem to read my subtle signals, I'll help you out. Piss! Off!

Page Conners: [bursting into Jack's bar] I want my purse, jerk-off!

Jack Withrowe: That's not very friendly. Now, I want you to go back out, and this time, when you kick the door open, say something nice.

Page Conners: [standing firm] You stole my purse, dip-shit, and you stole it so I'd have to see your ugly-ass face again.

Page Conners: For once, she's telling the truth!

Dean: Like I'm gonna believe the seed of Satan!

Max Conners: He doesn't look so bad in this light.

Page Conners: Oh, yeah. His liver spots are positively glowing.

Page Conners: Excuse me, may I grab your nuts? Mmm. Salty.

Max Conners: Wait by the phone. Timing on this is crucial.

Page Conners: Duh!

[walks away from car window]

Page Conners: ...Always treating me like a child...

Max Conners: Child.

Max Conners: You will respect your mother and do the con.

Page Conners: Keep dreaming, witch!

Max Conners: You are not too old to spank!

Page Conners: Try it!

Max Conners: [considering Tensy as their next mark] Hmm...

Page Conners: Not "hmm"! I am not dating the walking dead!

Page Conners: One penis coming up, Mom!

Page Conners: [to Jack throughout the movie] I gotta go.

Max Conners: Maybe you'd like a spanking?

Page Conners: Just try it. I dare you!

Max Conners: Have you any idea what that meat is doing to your arteries?

Page Conners: Haven't you heard? Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol.

Max Conners: Mothers are death.

Page Conners: Can't argue there.

Max Conners: You're not ready to con a guy without falling in love yourself.

Page Conners: Give me a break, I am in complete control!

Max Conners: I saw the kiss. Your eyes were closed.

Page Conners: That was the sun!

Max Conners: The last time the sun got in my eyes, I wound up with a daughter.

Page Conners: Yeah, and that's about the worst thing that's ever happened to you, isn't it?