Ozzie Quotes in Masterminds (1997)

Maloney: I've got the rear.

Ozzie: Truer words were never spoken

Ozzie: The boss's daughter. Never too early to start kissing ass.

Ozzie: Enjoy the show, Maloney.

Ozzie: Take another step! You'll regret it.

[Happy Boy #7 takes a step]

Happy Boy #7: Now what are you gonna do about it?

Ozzie: You know, coal is still one of our most abundant natural resources.

Ozzie: [through the intercom] Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a weather update for you. After those smoldering tropical highs, our next forecast will be for cooling temperatures, with a very high case of sudden showers.

[turns on the sprinkler, drenching Bentley and the commandoes]

Ozzie: K-Dog smells kinda rank.

K-Dog: Some friend.

Ozzie: But this house is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?

RJ: The collar is the key.

[Shows video on cell phone of Tiger entering door]

RJ: Literally, the collar is like a key that opens the door, and if...

Stella: And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?

RJ: Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.

Verne: Her?

Stella: Me?

RJ: You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...

Stella: My stink.

RJ: ...your feminine charms.

Hammy the Squirrel: Ha ha ha! - Was that out loud?

Ozzie: [after Verne stumbles into the hedge] Steve ate Verne!

Ozzie: Mother, is that you? Beckoning me into the light? Must... move... toward... the light!

Ozzie: I thought you were dead.

Heather: I learned from the best.

Ozzie: That's my girl.

RJ: Please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise.

[Points at map]

RJ: Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here.

[All gasp]

RJ: No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?

Hammy the Squirrel: Aha! We fill the log!

Verne: Hammy.

RJ: Really? This log? This cave-like log?

Ozzie: All the way to the top.

Verne: Ozzie.

RJ: Let me ask ya, how long's it take, you know, to fill the log?

Heather: Two-hundred and seventy-four days.

RJ: Ooh! Ever done it in a week?

Verne: That's impossible.

RJ: Not if we work together. You see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food.

Heather: How much food?

RJ: Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!

Verne: Well, you know, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I really don't think we're interested in eating.

Lou: I don't know. The guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.

Penny: Yeah. I'm okay with wazoo food there.

Ozzie: O great and powerful Steve! What do you want?

Verne: I-I don't think it can speak.

Debbie: [From other side of hedge] I heard that, young man!

[Others are shocked; Ozzie plays dead]

Debbie: You get over here right now!

Hammy the Squirrel: Okay.

Verne: Hammy, get back here.

Hammy the Squirrel: But Steve is angry.

Verne: I think it came from the other side of Steve - I mean, the bush. I mean... Geez!

Ozzie: You should have *died*! You should've just laid down and died!

Heather: Dad!

Verne: [when questioned about the food] I returned it to its rightful owner.

Ozzie: What?

Heather: We, like, worked our tails off, y'know? Like a lot! And the food we gathered was totally... you know! And you're, you're all whatever!

Ozzie: [whispered] Rosebud.

[while playing Possum]

Ozzie: Rosebud!

Ozzie: I really thought you were dead!

Heather: I learned from the best.

Ozzie: Playing Possum is what we do. We die, so we live.

Verne: Come on, you guys!

[Tries to be intimidating]

Verne: Don't make me come in there!

Stella: [Heard beneath the leaves] Y'all better listen... I've been holding something in all winter and I'm about to LET IT OUT!

Penny: [Animals scatter from under leaves] Whoa!

Ozzie: She means it!

[as the leaves and dust settles, Stella is shown in her "firing" position]

Verne: [Politely and grateful] Thank you, Stella!

Stella: [Nonchalantly] Oh, I can clear a room, Verne. That much I can do!

[the Leprechaun breaks out of the crate and talks to Ozzie]

Leprechaun: Hey, tubby... you got a light for an old Leprechaun's pipe?

Leprechaun: [the Leprechaun takes off a giant bug from his coat jacket] I'm starved! Haven't eaten in 10 years!

Ozzie: What - What are you?

Leprechaun: What do I look like, me lad? See the hat? The buckles on me shoes? Why, I'm a Leprechaun!

[Ozzie takes a bite on a gold coin to see if it's real]

Ozzie: Oh, my God. I swallowed that gold coin!

Alex: Nice going, Jaws.

Ozzie: Hey, hey, hey. Can you die from swallowing gold?

Alex: Yeah, after I kill you!

[Ozzie phones the police for help]

Ozzie: Help. Help. It's happening. The attack is on. O'Grady farm. Uh, send help. The leprechaun is attacking. Army, navy, guns, marines. And we're gonna need some medicine.

[the group returns back into the house and see a mess of food and shoes scattered all over]

Ozzie: Uh-oh. I think something got in here.

Alex: No shit, Sherlock.

Ozzie: You'd better watch your mouth. Go wash it out with soap right now, boy.

Alex: Sure. Sure. And right after that, Ozzie, I'll be sure to ground myself for two weeks.

[Alex hits Ozzie in the chest with his hat]

[Alex tells Ozzie that they can use the gold to pay for Ozzie's operation]

Alex: Hey, Ozzie. Do you know what this means?

Ozzie: We're rich, and I can buy comics every week.

Alex: Yeah, but you know what else?

Ozzie: What else?

Alex: We can get you an operation.

Ozzie: For what?

Alex: To make you smart. See we can go to the hospital and have them operate and fix your brain.

Ozzie: But - But I - I'm smart.

Alex: Yeah. Well, sort of. What I mean is we can make you real smart. That way, people won't make fun of you.

Ozzie: They make fun of me?

Alex: Not in front of you. Only behind your back.

[Ozzie saves Alex by telling the Leprechaun where the last gold coin is]

Ozzie: No! It's me, it's me you want, you green little son of a bitch. I've got the last gold coin. I swallowed it. It's in my stomach.

Leprechaun: Then it's your belly I want.

[Ozzie talks to Alex after saving his life from the Leprechaun, covered in blood]

Ozzie: I did a smart thing. I did a smart thing, didn't I?

Alex: You're really smart, Ozzie. You just hang in there, okay?

Ozzie: [Ozzie points to Alex and his chest] Hey, Alex... What's that?

Ozzie: [Ozzie gets Alex to look down so he can touch his face] Gotcha. First time I ever got you.

Alex: You sure did, Ozzie.

[Ozzie and Alex find the rusty old truck out in the field]

Ozzie: Don't cut yourself on any of this old rusty metal. If you do, it will make your jaw lock shut.

[Tory looks at the mess of shoes in the kitchen]

Tory: This is crazy, what the hell's going on here?

Nathan Murphy: Well, it could've been a bear. They sometimes come down the hills looking for food.

Tory: Great. My dad had to bring food into this place.

Ozzie: You know what? That Leprechaun, he tried to shine my shoes. He said he was a shoemaker.

Tory: Look. You guys can sit around here and theorize, Bear or no bear, but I am getting out of here. A matter of fact, I'm walking out that door, and I'm not coming back.

[Tory walks out, as Ozzie and Nathan look at each other, when Tory walks back in the house within five seconds]

Tory: A little too dark out there.

[Ozzie asks Alex if he thinks you can kill a Leprechaun]

Ozzie: Alex, do you think you could kill a Leprechaun?

Alex: Ozzie, you can kill anything. You just got to know how to do it. Now, me, give me a .357 magnum, press it to the little green critter's temple, and blam! Brains and guts and oozing cruddy stuff dripping all down its head. The guy is gone with a capital dead.

[Ozzie sits in the truck screaming in shock after the Leprechaun just bit off his ear]

Ozzie: My - My ear! He got my ear!

Alex: [Alex slaps Ozzie across the face] Hey, chill!

[Tory helps bandage Ozzie's ear after the Leprechaun bit it]

Ozzie: My ear sure hurts, Tory. I bet that Leprechaun made a boot out of it.

Tory: You're going to be okay, Ozzie. He didn't get your ear. He just bit it.

[Tory and Ozzie look for a four-leaf clover to kill the Leprechaun]

Tory: Forget it. We're not going to find it.

Ozzie: You can, too. You just got to believe.

Tory: Damn it, Ozzie. I'm so sick of your magic and your stupid fantasies. Okay, it's too late for that now. We don't have time to sit here in a damn clover patch and look for clovers. That thing is going to wake up.

Ozzie: You've lost your faith. But you got to believe. Got to.

Tory: [Tory grabs a patch of clovers out and holds it up, yelling] All right, here, look, here, look. I believe. I believe.

Ozzie: [Tory and Ozzie look at the four-leaf clover in her hand] Look. You - You found one. I told you. I told you!

[Ozzie talks to Alex in the back of the paint truck]

Ozzie: Anyways, listen-listen. It came right down out of the sky. And there it was... This flying saucer. It had these weird lights, you know? It was making all of these weird noises, kind of like, boo-boo boo-boo.

Alex: Ozzie, I thought you weren't going to tell any more stories.

Ozzie: This really happened, Alex. It did! It's like magic, you know? Like - Like, um... Well, when you see a star in the night sky - The first star - You can make a wish. And it'll come true.

Alex: Stop with the magic stuff.

[Tory and Nathan find Ozzie covered in blue paint]

Ozzie: [Ozzie tries taking blue paint out of his mouth] Oh, no!

Alex: [Alex laughs to himself] As fashion statements go, blue is not your best color.

Ozzie: Alex, I asked you to hold that ladder steady. Now look what happened!

Nathan Murphy: I'm not even going to ask what happened, really.

Tory: There's a bathroom off the kitchen in there. At least, it looked a little like a bathroom.

Ozzie: [Ozzie looks back at Alex] I don't like blue.

[Ozzie comes out of the bathroom and hears the Leprechaun singing in a little boy's voice from the basement]

Little Boy's Voice: [Leprechaun singing low] Twinkle, Twinkle / Little star / How I wonder

Ozzie: Hello?

Little Boy's Voice: [Leprechaun singing continues] What you are / Up above the world so high...

Ozzie: [Ozzie looks to the basement door] Who's in there?

Little Boy's Voice: [singing continues] Like a diamond in the sky / Twinkle, Twinkle, little star / How I wonder what you are

[Ozzie enters the basement of the house and finds the Leprechaun's crate, where he continues to hear the little boy's voice]

Ozzie: Hello? Wow. What neat junk.

Little Boy's Voice: [the little boy's voice talks from the crate] Please let me out. Please? Why won't you let me out of this crate?

Ozzie: How did you get in there?

Little Boy's Voice: [voice continues] Please... let me out. Please, I don't like it in here. Please.

Ozzie: Hello? Hello?

Leprechaun: [the Leprechaun punches his way out of the crate after Ozzie wipes off the four-leaf clover] I'm back!

[Ozzie tells the others that he found a Leprechaun in the basement]

Ozzie: Ah! There's a Leprechaun in the basement! Oh, there's a Leprechaun in the basement!

Nathan Murphy: Hold on. What's going on?

Ozzie: He come out of a box. He had these long, real skinny fingers. He wasn't nice like lucky charms or anything. And then he ate a bug!

Alex: A Leprechaun? Let's inject a little reality in here, please.

Ozzie: I saw him. I really did see him. He even tried to polish my shoes.

Alex: Then where's your pot of gold?

Ozzie: That's what he said he wants. He said he wanted his pot of gold!

[Nathan volunteers to go in the basement to look for the Leprechaun Ozzie found]

Nathan Murphy: [Nathan picks up a stick] Hey... okay? Just in case?

Tory: I better go with you. Just in case.

Ozzie: Uh, N-Nathan... Nathan... I don't think that stick's gonna be big enough. W-wait. Wait for me, I'm coming. Just in case.

[Ozzie describes the Leprechaun to Nathan and the group]

Nathan Murphy: Well, I don't see anything, Ozzie.

Ozzie: This guy... was real. I mean, he had buckles on his shoes and he had them real horrible teeth, and they were all rotten and everything, and, uh, oh... I-I know he never does brush them.

[Tory stares to Nathan as the group hears a crash of items in the corner of the basement]

Ozzie: Th-that's him. He's going to kill every one of us, and I'm first.

[Ozzie see's the rainbow in the sky]

Ozzie: [Ozzie points up] Hey. Hey, look up in the sky!

Alex: So what, Ozzie? It's just a rainbow.

Ozzie: It's a magic rainbow. Leprechauns and rainbows - It's a sign.

Nathan Murphy: Yeah. Yeah, it's a sign all right. It's time to get back to painting.

Ozzie: No, we got to go see what's at the end.

Alex: Ozzie, you're embarrassing me.

Ozzie: Come on, come with me. We got to get to the end of the rainbow. There's always a pot of gold.

[Ozzie and Alex find the Leprechaun's gold at the end of the rainbow]

Ozzie: Wow! I told you. I told you! Uh-oh. That's what that Leprechaun was talking about.

Alex: Would you stop with that stupid Leprechaun stuff. We found this gold. Finders keepers!

[Ozzie and Alex take a gold coin to the coin shop owner]

Ozzie: You ever reckon that coin might've come from a Leprechaun?

Ozzie: [the coin shop owner smiles without saying anything] Never mind.

Alex: Okay, we'll come back tomorrow. And let's just keep this between us.

Shop Owner: Okay.

Alex: [Alex tells Ozzie] We better get to the restaurant. They're going to be pissed we were gone so long.

[Tory takes the shotgun from Nathan to go and get the gold]

Nathan Murphy: Okay, look, take this gun with you, okay? Just cock it, aim it, pull the trigger. You ever work one of those things before?

Tory: [Tory cocks the shotgun] Nope.

Ozzie: [Tory leaves to go outside, as Ozzie mumbles] Watch out for those teeth.

Claire Huddesen: How'd you feel if someone broke your dinosaur?

Ozzie: Never had one. We were too poor.

Ozzie: [after Claire took photo of him beside prehistoric man statue] Er, what are you doing tonight?

Claire Huddesen: Now just a minute! I want you to know that my interest in you is purely scientific. I'm just a cold-blooded scientist. And I'm writing an anthropological study for this musuem. It's called : "The Modern Man... And What It Is"

Gabey, Chip, Ozzie: [singing] New York, New York, a wonderful town / The Bronx is up and the Battery down / The people ride in a hole in the ground / New York, New York, it's a wonderful town!

Ozzie: If through a lot of foolery you lost your last red cent/ I wouldn't even stop to ask you why/I'd pawn my mother's jewelry, I'd steal my sister rent/It's all for you kid, you can milk me dry!