Oz Quotes in No Contest (1995)

Oz: Maybe taking over a beauty pageant isn't the best way to gain respect.

Oz: I don't understand - I kill several innocent people, threaten to blow up a building, and the police still don't take me seriously.

Oz: You can have a nice pile of bananas!

Finley: Oh, I see. Because I'm a monkey, I must love bananas, right? That is a vicious stereotype!

Oz: You don't like bananas?

Finley: Of course I love bananas, I'm a monkey! Don't be ridiculous! I just don't like YOU saying it.

Glinda: [as the bubbles are flying towards the shield] The shield allows a good-hearted person to pass.

Oz: [Panicking] I'm gonna die!

Glinda: For the record, I knew you had it in you all along.

Oz: Greatness?

Glinda: No. Better than that. Goodness.

Oz: Am I dreaming?

Theodora: You're in Oz.

Oz: Oz? But that's my name. Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmanuel Ambroise Diggs.

[Oz has realized that he can pass off his stage magic as the real thing to defeat Evanora and Theodora]

Oz: Look, I know I'm not the wizard that you expected. But I might just be the wizard that you need.

Glinda: You said you were just a con man.

Oz: Precisely!

Glinda: Nothing but a trickster?

Oz: Yes!

Glinda: A terrible cheat!

Oz: The best there is.

Glinda: A carnival magician's going to put on a show.

Oz: I'll put on the show of a lifetime! The likes of which the land of Oz has never seen! Magic! Mystery! Prestidigitation! It'll be my greatest trick yet.

[from trailer]

Oz: [to Theodora] Where's your broom?

Theodora: You don't know much about witches, do you?

Oz: I'm afraid I can't give you what I know you want most of all. All I can offer you is this: us. I know it's not the family that you had in mind, but...

China Girl: It's perfect. Thank you, Oz.

Oz: I'm your wizard.

[big smile and a wink]

Oz: [whispers to Glinda] I might not actually be a wizard...

Glinda: Yes, but they don't know that.

Oz: You stood by me when other monkeys would have flown away.

Oz: Frank, the sock is on the door!... Knock!

Glinda: A con man couldn't have done all this. You're much more than that.

Oz: Well then, it looks like I've got you fooled, too.

Glinda: The only person you've got fooled is yourself.

Oz: I don't want to be a good man... I want to be a great one.

[from trailer]

Oz: How hard can it be to kill a Wicked Witch?

Oz: Now, it's time for gifts!

[Knuck starts blowing his trumpet]

Master Tinker: Knuck, not now!

Oz: [sucked into a tornado] Please, I don't want to die! I haven't accomplished anything yet!

Oz: Theodora, I know your wickedness is not your doing! And should you ever find the goodness within you, you are welcome to return!

Theodora: NEVER!

[from trailer]

Oz: It's like no place I've ever seen.

Oz: Let's Go Make Some Magic!

Frankie Murdoch: Multiple personality, huh? But, who are they?

Oz: Well, they're you. Your aspects of you. Your subconscious.

Frankie Murdoch: Okay, but why?

Oz: That's what we'll have to find out.

Frankie Murdoch: So, what you're saying is, I got all these different... people living inside of me, right? But, I don't know who they are.

Oz: Well, we all have different personalities and different selves. "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes." It's Whitman.

Oz: If you were to go to sleep one night and awake to find, that by some unknown agency, you had been transported to a cold, dark cave, the rational mind provides for one of only five possible explanations. One, "I'm dead." Two, "I'm dreaming." Three, "Somebody played a trick on me." Four, "I'm crazy."

Frankie Murdoch: Or?

Oz: Or Five..."I am in a cave."

Frankie Murdoch: I get it, Doc. You're trying to say I'm crazy.

Oz: Or somebody played a trick on you.

Frankie Murdoch: Who?

Oz: You.

Oz: You're not alone.

Frankie Murdoch: [gesturing towards the blackboard that lists her other personalities] Well no shit.

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?

Jim: Uh, at the movies.

Kevin: Took the bus.

Oz: Coffee.

Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?

Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.

Oz: Stifler get off.

Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.

Heather: [Interrupted during phone call] Hey, Marco, could you get your balls off me?

[talking about soccer balls]

Oz: Hey, what the heck's goin' on over there?

Heather: Oh, those are just my flat-mates.

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.

Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia.

Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.

Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Stifler: Who the hell was that?

Oz: That was uh... that was...

Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.

Kevin: Yeah

Oz: Yeah, turned around.

Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

Jimmy: [Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up] Hey Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sites, you know?

Oz: Now?

Jimmy: [puts Oz in the car] Yeah, don't worry it's not gonna kill ya.

Oz: [quietly] Promise?

Jimmy: I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.

[after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz]

Oz: I'm fine.

[the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing]

Jimmy: Fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?

Oz: [tugs off his wedding ring] That much I've figured out.

Cynthia: Have you vomited recently?

Oz: A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.

Cynthia: I'll wait.

Oz: OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

Oz: Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

Jimmy: Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

Oz: Oh my God.

Jimmy: My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?

Oz: I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...

Jimmy: [with increasing anger] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?

Jill St. Claire: Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!

Jimmy: [now livid] IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!

[Jill takes the phone from Jimmy]

Oz: [to Cynthia] He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.

Jimmy: FIND OUT WHERE HE IS!

[into phone]

Jimmy: JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!

[Jill takes the phone away]

Jimmy: It's a DISGRACE...

Jill St. Claire: [into phone] Oz, you stud, you!

Frankie Figs: Gonna be a DEAD stud.

Jimmy: Everyone dies.

Oz: [looks worried]

Jimmy: Sooner or later.

Janni Gogolack: Don't blong.

Oz: "Don't blong"?

Janni Gogolack: [Annoyed] Don't-BE-long!

Cynthia: You really meant it, didn't you? What you said?

Oz: About loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?

Cynthia: [shrugs] Sex. I mean, GREAT sex...

Oz: [chuckling] It was pretty good... is that all this has meant to you?

Cynthia: Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot...

Oz: Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you. I don't generally go around risking my life for people who just like me.

Cynthia: Promise me something.

Oz: Anything.

Cynthia: You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.

Oz: Neither have I. I've been married.

Janni Gogolack: You know I have this same car?

Oz: Really?

Janni Gogolack: No.

Oz: He sa... he said you guys haven't even met.

Sophie Oseransky: Who you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife?

Oz: Do I have to answer that?

Cynthia: But he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore, and like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.

Oz: But murder he's okay with.?

Cynthia: It's what he does.

Jill St. Claire: Your wife is not a nice person.

Oz: You're expecting an arguement?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You're a dentist?

Oz: Afraid so.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You suicidal?

Oz: Why would you say that?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

Oz: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

Oz: [after Frankie beats a confession out of Oz] I MAY know where he is.

Frankie Figs: Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.

Oz: Okay. You mind if I piss a little blood first?

Frankie Figs: Please, by all means.

Jimmy: You're a lucky guy, Oz.

Oz: Why would you say that?

Jimmy: You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

Oz: So what are you betting on?

Jimmy: I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

Janni Gogolack: I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!

[pause]

Janni Gogolack: Where was I?

Oz: Wermin, I think. Wermin.

Janni Gogolack: We're talking about someone - SCREW THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!

Oz: I swear, I am not gonna let anybody kill you.

Cynthia: Under the circumstances, I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

Oz: Thanks.

Jimmy: But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

Oz: Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

Jimmy: Yeah, whatever.

Jimmy: I take it you're not Canadian.

Oz: Only by marriage.

Oz: Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.

Oz: [Jimmy just shot Frankie Figs] Why did you kill him?

Jimmy: [Jimmy throws the gun into the river] Well, I had to kill one of you.

Oz: Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

Jimmy: Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have. Then he would have figured I'd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money.

Jimmy: [after finding out Oz slept with his wife] I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

Oz: Yeah. Who knew?

[Sophie is driving Oz to the airport; he is on the phone with Jill]

Jill St. Claire: Are you going alone?

Oz: Yes.

Jill St. Claire: Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.

Oz: Jill!

[covers the phone]

Jill St. Claire: And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!

Jimmy: [after Oz makes him laugh] You sure you're a dentist?

Oz: Yeah. Why?

Jimmy: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

Oz: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

Jimmy: Me, too.

Oz: All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.

[Cynthia just looks at him]

Oz: All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?

Cynthia: That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

Oz: What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

[Cynthia just looks at him]

Oz: I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

Frankie Figs: You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?

Oz: I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?

Frankie Figs: So you don't like him no more?

Oz: Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.

Frankie Figs: If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!

Oz: I know.

[Frankie sucks on his teeth]

Oz: You know, I can close that gap for you.

Frankie Figs: Really?

Oz: Yeah, you'd be in and out.

Frankie Figs: You're kidding. This thing right here?

Jimmy: You like living in Canada?

Oz: No, I live here with my wife.

Frankie Figs: Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

Oz: Would it do any good?

Frankie Figs: ...No.

[Oz watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him]

Oz: This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

Sgt. Buchanan: You want to talk with her?

Oz: No... no, I don't think so.

Agent Morrissey: I don't blame you.

Oz: You guys know any good divorce lawyers?