Ostap Bender Quotes in The Twelve Chairs (1970)

Ostap Bender: [after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!

[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]

Young Woman: Do you love me?

Ostap Bender: Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.

Ostap Bender: Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?

Tikon: Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.

Ostap Bender: Oh, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?

Tikon: One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!

Ostap Bender: Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".

Tikon: That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.

Ostap Bender: Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.

Tikon: I like that: two Russians, one ruble!

[last lines]

Ostap Bender: Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same deseace that strucked down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.

Ostap Bender: [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaniniv has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!

Father Fyodor: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.

[Ostap stares at him]

Father Fyodor: His first-born. He was like a father to me.

Ostap Bender: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.

Ostap Bender: [quickly] How old are you?

Father Fyodor: 46... 44.

Ostap Bender: Which is it?

Father Fyodor: 42... 42.

Ostap Bender: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.

[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]

Ostap Bender: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

Father Fyodor: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?

Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.

[They wait]

Father Fyodor: Oh Lord, you're so strict!

Ostap Bender: Tell me... what goes on in this great house?

Tikon: Mostly dying.