Osmosis Quotes in Osmosis Jones (2001)

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Osmosis Quotes:

  • Osmosis: We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?

    Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.

    Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!

    Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!

    Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.

    Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.

    Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?

    Drix: NO!

  • Osmosis: Next time, I'll be the bad cop.

    Drix: You ARE a bad cop!

    Osmosis: Yo, who you calling a bad cop?

  • Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?

    Osmosis: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!

    Leah: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.

    Osmosis: Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.

  • Osmosis: In the words of the immortal James Brown - GET DOWN!

    Drix: James who?

  • [Osmosis and Drix arrive at the zit]

    Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?

    Osmosis: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how!

  • Drix: Where did you study?

    Osmosis: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.

    Drix: Oh...

    Osmosis: I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.

    Drix: Oh?

    Osmosis: No, it was IN the crack. Right in the stanky, puckered center.

  • Latino germ: La Muerte, man! Esta aqui! He's gonna kill us dead, hombre!

    Osmosis: No, no. Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.

  • Drix: Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine... Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.

    Osmosis: Wow! I'm feeling better already.

  • Osmosis: I never thought you'd be on MY side!

    Drix: I never thought you'd be right.

  • Osmosis: Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord.

  • Drix: I'd like to examine your irritated areas.

    Osmosis: Wooh, never on the first date, Drips!

    Drix: That's Drix.

    Osmosis: That's what I said.

    Drix: No, I believe you said Drips, with a P.

  • Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff?

    Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.

    Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy...

  • Drix: Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!

    Osmosis: Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing now!

  • Osmosis: Yo, where do you think you're going?

    Drix: To get our cootie.

    Osmosis: Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy.

    Drix: Spiffy?

    [Osmosis rearranges himself to look like a germ]

    Osmosis: Check it out!

    Drix: Hmm. Flexible cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh, let me try!

    [Drix tries, only succedes in mangling his face]

    Drix: What do you think?

    Osmosis: I think you should guard the car.

  • Thrax: What is that nasty smell?

    Drix: Cherry. Wild cherry. Now let her go.

    Thrax: Why? So you can ice me again?

    Osmosis: No, so I can!

  • Osmosis: Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey, white saccus membranous 'round my personhood?... Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fighting disease, not in the mouth on tartar control.

  • Osmosis: Yo, you didn't see this thing. This ain't no ordinary household germ. This thing's bigger than all of us; it's big even for Frank's body! It's like a

    [sic]

    Osmosis: Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ!

    Cop: You talkin' about this?

    [holds a short, dumpy germ; all laugh]

    Osmosis: Yeah, uh... y'know, he's slouching right now.

  • Osmosis: You up spit creek without a paddle. Don't make me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.

  • Chill: Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only, and this don't sound like influenza to me. Now beat it.

    Osmosis: I'm sure Johnny Streptacoccus and the Melanoma Brothers would be very interested to know about your flu shot work.

    Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm on the Virus Protection Program.

  • Osmosis: [referring to incoming Drixenol Pill] Don't Be surprised that 99% of that pill is just sugar, you know.

    Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid

    Osmosis: Oo like I never heard that one before

  • Osmosis: Goodbye, Drips.

    Drix: That's Drix.

    Osmosis: Whatever.

  • Osmosis: You want Osmosis?

    Drix: You've got Osmosis!

  • [the cold pill arrives in the stomach]

    Leah: Wow, this is huge.

    Osmosis: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar you know.

    Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.

    Osmosis: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.

  • Thrax: Who are you?

    Osmosis: Who am I? Who am I? Ah, Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis, yeah! That's who I am!

    Thrax: Never heard of ya!

    Osmosis: That's 'cause you just got here! You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis stands avove all the rest!

  • Librarian: Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?

    Osmosis: You got any information about something called "El Morry Roho"?

    Librarian: Stand by. I'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.

  • Osmosis: [looking at a centerfold in DNA Monthly] Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.

  • Police Chief: Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.

    Osmosis: I don't know. You'll have to talk to my new parter... if he feels like hanging around for a while.

    Drix: But my work visa has expired.

    Osmosis: Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.

  • Thrax: Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.

    Osmosis: She ain't goin' down. You are!

  • Osmosis: Man, what you been eatin'?

    Drix: That's my effervescent propulsion.

    Osmosis: A'ight. But we're drivin' with the windows open. I don't want none of those fruitybubbles stinking up my ride. You got that?

  • [Drix is at the bladder, about to board the next barge out]

    Osmosis: Drix! Yo, Drix! Get your time-released butt off this boat. Thrax is alive! Let's go!

    Drix: I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.

    Osmosis: Excuse me?

    Drix: I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.

    Osmosis: You gotta learn to think outside the pill box, man. I've known sugar pills who cured cancer, just because they believed they could.

    Drix: Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry flavored.

    Conductor: Hey, pal. You on or off?

    Osmosis: Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.

    Conductor: The zipper's down. All ashore who's going ashore.

  • [Osmosis is at the theater watching one of Frank's dreams when the screen appears to burn up]

    Osmosis: Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!

    Cell: Oh, sure, pal! Spoil the ending.

Browse more character quotes from Osmosis Jones (2001)

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