Oscar Madison Quotes in The Odd Couple II (1998)

Felix Ungar: [waking up in the car] How long was I asleep?

Oscar Madison: [driving] I don't know. I didn't know you wanted me to time it.

Sheriff: Okay, now explain to me one more time how the rental car caught fire and exploded.

Oscar Madison: He called me a shithead and punched the car, it went rolling down a cliff.

Sheriff: Why did you punch the car?

Felix Ungar: Because the shithead threw the directions out the window and left my suitcase at the rental car agency.

Sheriff: Why did you throw the directions out the window?

Oscar Madison: Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!

Felix Ungar: The first time he's been hot down there for years.

Oscar Madison: I just wanted you to know what it felt like down there...

Sheriff: OK, boys, settle down. You two don't get along too well, do you?

Oscar Madison: Oh, that's not true. There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful. Then unfortunately we saw each other again.

Sheriff: And who did you say was getting married?

Felix Ungar: My daughter and his son.

[the Sheriff and all the deputies have to swallow a laugh]

Felix Ungar: Oscar, of all the fights that we've ever had, of all the arguments that we've ever had...

Oscar Madison: We can continue talking because he's going to be on this for a half-hour.

Felix Ungar: Of all the times that I've wanted to choke you by the throat, this is the worst! If you say "trifecta" one more time, I'm going to choke you until you are dead, and then that man can arrest me one more time for one more crime one more time in his office, AND HE'S GONNA HAVE A FOURFECTA! SO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU HEAR ME?

Oscar Madison: I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba, but it's a cigar.

Felix Ungar: Where's my suitcase?

Oscar Madison: Your suitcase? In the trunk.

Felix Ungar: No.

Oscar Madison: No?

Felix Ungar: No.

Oscar Madison: Did you look good?

Felix Ungar: [holds his arms apart] The trunk is this big. It takes about a second and a half to look in there. Your 1927 piece of cardboard is in there, but my suitcase isn't.

Oscar Madison: There are faster ways of delivery now. FedEx, UPS, fax...

Felix Ungar: Oh, you're gonna fax me my suitcase?

Felix Ungar: What do the directions say?

Oscar Madison: They're gone, I threw them out the window.

Felix Ungar: [laughing] Oh, you threw them out the window... you threw them out the window? What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?

Oscar Madison: Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them. I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch, the map caught fire. I had the choice of either finding the house, or burning up one of the most important parts of my body. Guess which I picked?

Oscar Madison: Don't get physical with me, Felix! I'm too old to hit, but I can spit you to death!

Felix Ungar: In that suitcase was my black formal afternoon suit that I bought to wear when I'm giving my daughter away in marriage. And in that suitcase was a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray that I bought as a wedding present. Oh, and in that suitcase was $10,000 in cash that I was going to give to my son-in-law on his wedding day. Now, in your suitcase, the police are going to find your broken, smashed, mutilated, and dissected body in the event that you don't go back and find my fucking suitcase!

Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?

Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?

Sheriff: Why did you take his toupee?

Felix Ungar: We didn't! A truck whizzed by and blew it off, huh?

Oscar Madison: Yeah. I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it, I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece.

Sheriff: You shot him? You had a gun?

Oscar Madison: No, no, not shot him, I shooed him. "Shoo, shoo!" Then a hunter shot him, the bird fell on top of the car, and the hairpiece fell on the windshield. I hope there's not gonna be a trial, because I'd hate to repeat that story in court.

Brucey Madison: Mom was married three times. You were married one time, and then never again for thirty years. Hers were too many, yours were not enough. So, tell me, what is wrong with it? What is it about marriage that frightens everybody so much?

Oscar Madison: I don't know, Brucey. It's like baseball, either you can play or you can't play. Your mother could play, I couldn't play. Trouble with your mother was she kept getting traded all the time.

Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?

Oscar Madison: Agreed.

Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?

Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.

Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.

Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?

Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?

Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.

Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.

Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.

Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.

Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.

Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.

Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo!

Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?

Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.

Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.

Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.

Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?

Oscar Madison: OK, Felix, make out a timetable: when you're gonna eat, when you're gonna pee, when you're gonna fart, when you're gonna cry, and when you're gonna sleep, because that's the last time I'm pulling off the freeway, ya hear?

Felix Ungar: Oh, and I suppose you never have to pee, huh?

Oscar Madison: I do it for a half hour in the morning, then I'm through for the day.

Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?

Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.

[Felix and Oscar are sprayed by a crop dusting airplane]

Felix Ungar: What the hell was that?

Oscar Madison: They purposely did it. They hate New Yorkers.

Felix Ungar: Who's going to pick us up now? We look like a couple of Pillsbury Doughboys.

Oscar Madison: Well we'd better get out of the sun before we start to rise.

Oscar Madison: It took us 2 hours to get here. It's gonna take us 5 hours to go back because I don't know how the hell we got here in the first place. Then we'd have to make three stops: one for you to pee, one for you to let locked in the john, one to pay a kid $5 to get out, and then we'd have to stop again for you to eat. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

Peaches: I'm having a dinner party Friday night, we're short one man.

Oscar Madison: How about Abe here, he's a short man.

Peaches: You can run Oscar, but you can't hide! See ya.

Oscar Madison: Oh, that's such an original expression. I hate a woman who talks like Muhammed Ali.

[Felix dumps half a dozen different pills on the table]

Oscar Madison: How do you know which ones to take?

Felix Ungar: Doesn't make any difference. Whatever they fix, I got.

Thelma: You know, Oscar, if I didn't know better, I'd say a nice old grandfather like you was trying to hit on a couple of ladies.

Oscar Madison: I'm not as old as I look. I had this plastic surgery done recently, and the quack doctor botched it up.

Holly: Your friend doesn't say much, does he?

Oscar Madison: He's the doctor who botched it up.

Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.

Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.

Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.

Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?

Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh!

Oscar Madison: Hello there. What do you want?

Little Boy: Five dollars.

Oscar Madison: Why should I give you five dollars?

Little Boy: Your friend said you would for telling you that he's locked in the bathroom.

Oscar Madison: Tell me when it hurts.

Felix Ungar: It hurts!

Oscar Madison: I got an idea, don't tell me when it hurts cause it's gonna hurt anyway. Okay here we go, one, two three.

Felix Ungar: [Slides into the car] Aaaaaahh! Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Oscar Madison: I liked 'it hurts' better.

Felix Ungar: What freeway are we supposed to be on?

Oscar Madison: The 405.

Felix Ungar: I think that sign back there said 101.

Oscar Madison: If you didn't have the brains to pee back at the airport, how could you possibly read that sign?

Felix Ungar: Reading and peeing are two different things!

Oscar Madison: At your age you're lucky you can do either one.

Oscar Madison: Don't you take them with water?

Felix Ungar: The local water?

[Very loudly]

Felix Ungar: Don't you know how many pesticides there are in the local water?

Oscar Madison: Lower your voice, will you? People in here don't know they're gonna be dead in a week.

[In the middle of the desert]

Oscar Madison: Look instead of complaining, why don't you look around for a telephone.

Felix Ungar: What the hell makes you think there'd be a telephone anywhere out here? This is probably where they test those nuclear bombs.

Oscar Madison: Well they would have to call somebody to find out if they went off wouldn't they?

Brucey Madison: You thinking about moving out here, Pop?

Oscar Madison: To where? Santa Yosinta-Malienta-Poliguenta? I'm not gonna learn another language just to find my way home at night.

[in the desert]

Oscar Madison: I think I figured out where we are.

Felix Ungar: Where?

Oscar Madison: In a Clint Eastwood movie.

Oscar Madison: What's the matter, don't you look at a good ass anymore?

Abe: I'm not allowed to look at Pastrami, why should I look at an ass?

Wanda: He's like my third husband, he should rest in peace.

Oscar Madison: How do you know he's dead? Maybe he's just bluffing.

Oscar Madison: Felix, I haven't seen you in what, 8, 9 years?

Felix Ungar: Seventeen! Seventeen years, Oscar, you couldn't remember that we haven't seen each other for seventeen years?

Oscar Madison: To tell you the truth I didn't dwell on it. Alright, seventeen years, so your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer, but you still retain that unique, elusive pain in the ass quality that drives me berserk.

Felix Ungar: Oh really?

Oscar Madison: We've always had bad chemistry, Felix. We mix like oil and frozen yogurt.

Felix Ungar: [clearing his sinuses] Snah!

Oscar Madison: Didn't you fix that yet?

Felix Ungar: Look at these shorts. I feel like I could be a cocktail waitress at a crap game.

Oscar Madison: Yeah, if you wiggle your fanny right you can make double sixes.

Thelma: Oscar, what are two wide-awake girls going to do with one hunky, funny guy?

Oscar Madison: Why don't we all write a suggestion on a piece of paper?

Oscar Madison: Blanche, would you stop pointing your finger at me and yelling. You got two other husbands here to do that with.

Oscar Madison: I know I haven't been there a lot for you, Brucey, but this is the best advice I'll ever give you, not getting married today is the right thing for you to do.

Brucey Madison: Maybe it's right for you, it's wrong for me! You tell everybody I'm getting dressed.

Oscar Madison: Thank God you said that. I wasn't sure how long I could keep on talking like an asshole.

Oscar Madison: Nothing has changed, Felix. I'm still a pig, you're still a human vacuum cleaner.

[last lines]

Oscar Madison: This is the biggest, goddamnest deja vu anybody has ever had. Can we please play cards here, for crying out loud?

Felix Ungar: If we go down, you go down with us!

Oscar Madison: Who are you, Dirty Harry?

Felix Ungar: Maybe we can stop somewhere and get a pair of crutches.

Oscar Madison: Yeah I'll keep my eye open for crutch stores, I'm sure there's a lot of them on the freeway.

Felix Ungar: [in a wheelchair, Oscar is pushing] We haven't even said hello yet and already I've got a sprained ankle. Let me know when we come to a bump.

[They roll over a bump]

Felix Ungar: Ow!

Oscar Madison: That's one.

Oscar Madison: Okay what do you wanna talk to me about?

Felix Ungar: Wait until the seat belt light is off.

Oscar Madison: You can't talk with your seat belt on? Is that some new federal law?

Abe: He just missed someone in crowd!

Oscar Madison: What crowd? We could all go home in one car.

Felix Ungar: You just have to help me figure out a reason why I should get up and go sit next to her.

Oscar Madison: How about... ummm... .I don't know. How about, your seat is broken?

Felix Ungar: No, 'cos I'm a bad liar, she'll know I'm lying.

Oscar Madison: How about if I break your seat?

Sheriff: So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

Oscar Madison: To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

Felix Ungar: I hate mess and I hate disorder. I went to a hypnotist to try and cure me.

Oscar Madison: Didn't work, huh?

Felix Ungar: Na, he was late. I straightened up his office and left.

[In the desert]

Oscar Madison: I think I just seen Omar Sharif on a camel.

Felice: We have so much in common, did you know the first four letters of our names are the same?

Felix Ungar: Now that you mention it, yeah, we do.

Oscar Madison: You know, neither of you wear glasses either?

Felix Ungar: I'm not going back with you, Oscar, I'm moving in with Lise for a few days.

Oscar Madison: Lise?

Felix Ungar: Felise, she likes it when I call her that.

Oscar Madison: What does she call you, Lix?

Felix Ungar: Anyway, I'm moving to San Fran with her.

Oscar Madison: Lise? Lix? San Fran? What the hell is going on?

Oscar Madison: If anyone gets tough, just show them your underwear.

Oscar Madison: [after his son Brucey tells him he's marrying Felix Ungar's daughter] She's WHOSE daughter?

[Felix and Oscar are arrested and having to sit before the sheriff a second time around]

Sheriff: So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

Oscar Madison: To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

Felix Ungar: Look, we didn't murder him and we didn't rob him. Now, you believed us before, so why don't you believe us now?

Sheriff: Because I didn't expect the two of you to keep bouncing back in here like a beachball.

[Felix and Oscar have just been arrested and are having to face the sheriff for a third time, who is horrified about the circumstance]

Felix Ungar: So, do you even want to talk about it?

Sheriff: No.

Felix Ungar: Ever?

Sheriff: What's the point? It seems like no matter what I say, you two still end up in here.

Oscar Madison: [looking over at the sheriff's deputy] Would it be possible to get the results of a race at Santa Anita? I got a trifecta going.

Sheriff's Deputy: A what?

Oscar Madison: A trifecta. It is where you pick the three winning horses in order from start to finish.

Felix Ungar: You are unbelievable. We have a wedding we cannot get to, and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.

Sheriff: I'll tell you who won.

Oscar Madison: You know?

Sheriff: Yes! I won. Don't you see? You're my trifecta. The same two men have been arrested three different times and all three times by my men. Do you know what the odds are of that happening?

Oscar Madison: I would say roughly 12 million to one.

Sheriff: And what would it be if it were to happen in a little town called Santa Menandez, California?

Oscar Madison: It would be in the trillions. No bookie could handle it.

Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!

Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!

Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!

Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!

[about Felix]

Oscar Madison: I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Oscar Madison: Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.

Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?

Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...

Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

Oscar Madison: Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.

[Felix laughs]

Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny?

Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.

[Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall]

Oscar Madison: Now it's garbage.

[about how tense Felix is]

Oscar Madison: Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.

Vinnie: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.

Oscar Madison: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.

Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?

Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!

Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?

Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.

Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.

Roy: He could jump!

Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?

Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.

Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!

Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.

Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!

[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]

Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!

Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!

Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?

Felix Ungar: I was just repeating what I thought you said.

Oscar Madison: Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!

Oscar Madison: Can't you keep it warm?

Felix Ungar: Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?

Oscar Madison: I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.

Felix Ungar: Gravy? What gravy?

Oscar Madison: Don't you have any gravy?

Felix Ungar: Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?

Oscar Madison: I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.

Felix Ungar: [under his breath] Comes when you cook the meat.

[stares at him for a moment]

Felix Ungar: You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!

Oscar Madison: Well, you asked my advice...

Felix Ungar: [explodes] Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came hear and showed it to you.

Oscar Madison: Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.

Felix Ungar: Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!

Oscar Madison: Get a hold of yourself, will ya?

Felix Ungar: You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.

Oscar Madison: I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.

Felix Ungar: [doorbell rings] They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!

Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.

Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.

Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?

Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?

Murray: I get a Pepsi.

Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.

Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.

Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?

Murray: What do you got?

Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?

Murray: What's the green?

Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.

Murray: I'll take the brown.

[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]

Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?

Murray: I'm hungry!

Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!

Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!

Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.

Roy: They can do it, you know.

Oscar Madison: Do what?

Roy: Throw you in jail.

Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.

Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?

Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?

Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.

Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?

Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?

Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.

Roy: But you always lose.

Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.

Roy: Then don't play poker.

Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.

[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]

Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!

Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]

Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!

[the bickering continues]

Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.

[they all quiet down]

Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.

Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.

Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.

Felix Ungar: Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.

Oscar Madison: I fail to see the humor.

Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.

Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!

Felix Ungar: Take what back?

Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

Oscar Madison: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?

Murray: You didn't.

Oscar Madison: You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.

Murray: I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.

Roy: You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.

Oscar Madison: All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!

Vinnie: What Buffet?

[they all chime in]

Vinnie: What buffet?

Speed: What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.

Oscar Madison: What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.

Oscar Madison: You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?

Felix Ungar: We are what we are.

Oscar Madison: [Felix is making weird noises in the diner] Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?

Felix Ungar: I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!

[the other customers look at him strangely]

Oscar Madison: Did it open up?

Felix Ungar: Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

[last lines]

Oscar Madison: Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?

Felix Ungar: Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.

[leaves]

Oscar Madison: So long, Blanche.

[sits down at the poker table]

Oscar Madison: Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?

Roy: [they all chime in] Let's play some poker!

Felix Ungar: Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.

Felix Ungar: You don't understand. I'm nothing without my wife and kids. I'm nothing!

Oscar Madison: You're not nothing. You're something. You're a person. You're flesh and blood, bones, hair, nails and ears. You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo. You're you! You walk, and talk, and cry, and complain, and eat little green pills, and send suicide telegrams. No one else does that, Felix, no one! I'm telling you, you're the only one of its kind in the world!

Oscar Madison: You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.

Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.

Roy: What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?

Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.

Oscar Madison: Where are you going?

Felix Ungar: To the john.

Oscar Madison: Alone?

Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?

Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?

Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.

Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.

Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

[In Oscar's absence, Felix succeeds in reducing himself and the Pidgeon sisters to tears]

Oscar Madison: [coming from the kitchen with drinks] Is everybody happy?

Felix Ungar: [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...

Roy: Thank you.

Felix Ungar: Where's your coaster?

Roy: My what?

Felix Ungar: Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.

Roy: I think I bet it.

Oscar Madison: [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.

Felix Ungar: Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...

Speed: Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.

Felix Ungar: I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.

Oscar Madison: [under his breath] They leave little rings on the table.

Felix Ungar: They leave little rings on the table!

Oscar Madison: [under his breath] And we don't want little rings on the table.

Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?

[smells his cards]

Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.

[gets up from the table]

Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?

Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.

[leaves]

Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.

Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?

Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.

Vinnie: Let what be on your head?

Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.

Speed: He's out there somewhere.

Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.

Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.

Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!

Roy: Us?

Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?

Vinnie: What?

Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!

Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.

[Felix grabs up a cup to throw it at the wall, but relents]

Oscar Madison: Why didn't you throw it?

Felix Ungar: I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself.

Oscar Madison: Then why don't you throw the cup?

Felix Ungar: I'm trying to control myself.

Oscar Madison: Why are you trying to control yourself?

Felix Ungar: What do you mean? Why?

Oscar Madison: You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you throw it?

Felix Ungar: Because I would still be angry and I would have a broken cup.

Sports Writer: Well, that's the ballgame.

Oscar Madison: It's not over yet.

Sports Writer: Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning - you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?

Oscar Madison: What's the matter? You've never heard of a triple play?

Oscar Madison: Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.

Murray: What happened to the apartment?

Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Oscar Madison: Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

Murray: How many cards you got, four?

Speed: Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?

Murray: Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!

Oscar Madison: [from the kitchen] Yeah?

Murray: Hey Oscar, are you in or out?

Oscar Madison: [blows on a slice of bread he'd dropped on the floor] Out pussycat, out!

Gwendolyn Pigeon: It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building.

Cecily Pigeon: Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?

Oscar Madison: Well, I'm working on it.

[laughter from the ladies]

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.

Oscar Madison: Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Well, we haven't got one.

Oscar Madison: I know, but we have.

[more peals of laughter from the ladies]

Felix Ungar: I'll be in the way.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?

Oscar Madison: You want to see a typewritten list?

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, haven't you said enough already?

Oscar Madison: [Felix has been shoved into the shower and the water turned on full blast after revealing he swallowed a bottle of pills] We've got to get the pills out!

Felix Ungar: [turns the shower off] The pills are out! I threw up before!

Felix Ungar: I think I'm crazy.

Oscar Madison: If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.

Oscar Madison: You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?

Oscar Madison: Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.

Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.

Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.

Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?

Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.

Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.

Oscar Madison: [opening the window] It's twelve floors, not eleven!

Oscar Madison: [to Felix, after he's said all he has to say] Now, I'm gonna tell you off. For six months I've lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight big rooms. I was dejected, despondant, and disgusted. And them you moved in. My closest and dearest friend.

[Starting to cry]

Oscar Madison: And after three weeks of close personal contact, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Do me a favor, will you Felix? Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, your meat thermometer. When you want to come out just ring a bell, and I'll run into the bedroom.

[about to break down]

Oscar Madison: I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend. Stay out of my way.