Oscar Quotes in Colossal (2016)

Gloria: [throws the bar keys towards Oscar] Here! There are your keys; I'm not coming back to your shitty bar!

Oscar: [picking up the keys] Yeah you are.

Gloria: [panting] Oh yeah?

Oscar: Yeah.

[Throws the keys at Gloria with enough force to hurt her]

Gloria: [holding her stomach in pain] Ow!

Oscar: [calmly] You're gonna keep working at the bar, or I'm gonna come back here tomorrow, and destroy an entire neighborhood.

Gloria: [through her teeth, bringing her face close to Oscar's] Then I'll come back and I'll kick your fucking ass!

Oscar: [still calm] No you won't. I'm done being Mr. Nice Guy.

[Knocks her to the ground. Gloria grunts in pain as she hits the ground hard]

Oscar: [leans down, calm] see you at work?

[Gloria looks up at him speechless]

Oscar: I'll see you at work.

Gloria: Keep it cool. These people are looking at us.

Oscar: [looks at the women at the next table] Hi. She's the monster; I'm the robot.

Oscar: So, you don't remember anything we talked about last night, huh?

Gloria: I got really melodramatic, didn't I?

Oscar: [For Tim] What a schmuck!

Truman: So what's the verdict?

Harry Stamper: They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.

Truman: Such as?

Harry Stamper: [riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.

Oscar: [shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...

Harry Stamper: [to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.

Oscar: Okay.

Harry Stamper: Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to... bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?

[pause, turns and shakes his head]

Harry Stamper: Um, Bear would like to stay at the...

[tries to read writing]

Harry Stamper: "White horse"?

[looks up at Bear]

Bear: White, *House*. White House.

Harry Stamper: White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.

Truman: Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.

Rockhound: [shouting from balcony] Harry!

Harry Stamper: [motions back at Rockhound] Yeah one more thing, um... none of them wanna pay taxes again.

[pauses]

Harry Stamper: Ever.

Watts: [showing a video] Neil Armstrong, 1969, bouncing on the moon. He's bouncing because there's less gravity up there than on Earth. This will be similar to the asteroid. So, watch it. Something gets launched off that asteroid with enough force, it's gonna keep on going, right into outer space.

Oscar: [to Bear] What is the deal? Is it just me, or is Watts really hot?

Bear: [nods] Yeah.

Watts: So we have these new generation suits. With directional accelerant thrusters. You won't bounce like Neil Armstrong.

[seeing that Bear is not paying attention]

Watts: Bear!

Bear: Yes?

Watts: Do we have a problem?

Bear: No.

Watts: 'Cause I'm trying to describe to you how these DATs keep your ass on the ground, so that if I were to kick you in the balls, and you don't know how to work them, what happens to you?

Bear: I float away.

Watts: Yeah.

Rockhound: When do we start training for THAT?

Oscar: Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there?

Truman: 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.

Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.

Harry Stamper: None of you have to go. We can all just sit here on Earth, wait for this big rock to crash into it, kill everything and everybody we know. United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?

Chick: 20 years. Haven't turned you down once. Not about to start now. I'm there.

Freddy Noonan: Guess I can't let you go up there alone.

Bear: I'm with you.

Oscar: Man, this is - this is historic. Guys, this is, like, deep blue hero stuff! Of course I'm in.

Rockhound: While I don't share *his* enthusiasm, you know me. Beam me up, Scotty!

Harry Stamper: You all right, Max?

Max: I-I don't, I-I don't... Whatever you think.

Harry Stamper: [to A.J] How about you?

A.J.: I'm in.

Harry Stamper: All right then. We go.

Rockhound: I don't mean to be the materialistic weasel of this group, but do you think we'll get hazard pay out of this?

Oscar: I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.

Psychologist: Who is Jethro Tull?

Oscar: Great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more - It could be two - it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out.

[to NASA tech strapping him in]

Oscar: Will you make mine really tight, 'cause I don't wanna fall out. I mean, almost to the point of cutting off circulation.

A.J.: Is this supposed to be like this ?

Oscar: Don't worry. This is normal.

A.J.: If anybody's anybody, I'm Han and you're-you're Chewbacca.

Oscar: Chewy? Have you even *seen* Star Wars?

AJ: [as the two shuttles are rounding the Moon pulling Gs] Is this supposed to be like this?

Oscar: Don't worry! This is normal!

Bear: How would you know?

Oscar: This is space! Course, we're just in the beginning part of space, we-we haven't even got to *outer* space yet!

Foxy Brown: What? Link too?

Oscar: Yeah, they say it was those Steve Elias people.

Foxy Brown: Was he dealing again?

Oscar: Yeah, coke.

Foxy Brown: I told him to stay away from them.

Oscar: Yeah, but once those people pull you in, there's only ONE way they'll let you go.

Oscar: Them pushers buy protection from the police, and from the man, but from us, there is no protection, no way, no how, you dig?

Dawes: [to Foxy] We've discussed your request and we're not sure whether we want to help you or not. I mean this is a neighborhood committee and this is kind of out of our area.

Oscar: Maybe the time has come to grow a bit, brother.

Oscar: [Oscar has blinded Ricky] Some powder glass from the assistant warden. Let's see you're as strong, when your blind.

[Ricky starts punching the air due to not being able to see, Oscar then takes his knife and cuts Ricky's arm, he then knocks Ricky to the ground]

Oscar: Well blind man, you're arm's gone now. Ricky, you're finished.

Oscar: So you can still see, but your right arm's crippled. You're still a goner.

[Oscar lunges at Ricky but he avoids it, Rick slams his hand against the back of Oscar's head making his right eyeball pop out, several birds claw and peck at it]

[last lines]

Oscar: Rudy!

Diego: Hello, ladies.

Oscar: Hey, look who finally decided to show up.

Soto: Diego. I was beginning to worry about you.

Diego: No need to worry. In about two minutes you'll be satisfying your taste for revenge.

Soto: Very nice.

Oscar: Hi, I'm Oscar - you might think you know me, but you have no idea! Welcome to my crib - the good life, the way the other half lives! Check it out, I got my 60-inch high-def plasma TV with six-speaker surround, CD, DVD, Playstation and an eight-track for one of those days when you're feeling just a little weeka-weeka-weeka OLD SCHOOL, ha ha ha! Coz even a superstar Mac-daddy fish like me has to have the basic necessities!

Shortie #1: Yeah, like money!

[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]

[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar]

Oscar: Don't... swallow!

Lenny: Oscar?

Oscar: No, it's Pinocchio - of course it's me! Why did you do that?

Lenny: Oh, I'm sorry...

Oscar: No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theatre! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you ask somebody "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just fat! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!

Lenny: Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...

Oscar: Oh, no no no no... Lenny, just open up, nice and slow!

Oscar: Remember what Angie said. Remember what Angie said. What did Angie say?

Angie: [in Oscar's mind] Dreams can start out small. You just gotta... bet it all. Bet it all!

[Angie becomes unbelievably and understandably jealous after seeing Oscar and Lola kiss on television]

Angie: Just tell me, Oscar, because I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think, for one minute, that she would even be WITH you if you weren't the rich and famous Shark Slayer?

Lenny: [trying to intervene] Awww, you guys, please don't fight...

Angie: Are you that blind?

Oscar: At least she treats me like I'm somebody!

Angie: Yeah, well would she love you if you were nobody?

Oscar: NOBODY loved me when I was nobody!

Angie: I DID!

Crazy Joe: Now that you live in a big penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?

Oscar: Crazy Joe, that's a billboard.

Crazy Joe: You live in a billboard?

Oscar: No!

Crazy Joe: ...And I thought I was crazy!

[floats away on an umbrella, cackling insanely]

Oscar: Big shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, "You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?"

Angie: Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!

Oscar: Oh, right. So I say, "You see this guy?"

[points at right bicep]

Oscar: "Well, he has a brother who lives right over here."

[points at left bicep]

Oscar: "And I think it's time for a little..."

Oscar, Angie: Family reunion!

Sykes: Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!

Oscar: How do you figure that?

Sykes: Simple - the food chain!

[Pulls out chart]

Sykes: On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...

Oscar: And that's me!

Sykes: No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...

Oscar: And then me!

Sykes: I'm getting there, I'm getting there... There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.

Oscar: That's messed up.

Oscar: Sykes, shut up! SHUT UP!

Sykes: Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! Shut up. Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.

Oscar: [Whispers] No. I'm not here. I'm not here!

Sykes: Yeah, he's right here.

Oscar: [Sykes gives shellphone to Oscar] Hello?

Don Lino: [on phone with Oscar] Shut up? Shut up? You don't tell *me* shut up, I tell *you* shut up!

Don Lino: [hears phone dialing]

Don Lino: What?

Luca: Hi, how you doing? I'll have a large pie, everything on it, anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms...

Don Lino: Luca!

Luca: Oh... Uh, hi, Boss! What're you doing working at a pizza joint?

Don Lino: [shouts] Get off the phone!

Luca: But I'm hungry.

[hangs up]

Don Lino: [sighs] My guys are coming for you, Sharkslayer. They're going to tear you fin from fin!

Oscar: I am the Panama Canal, baby! From now one, everything flows through me!

[he picks up a fork and places it between the eyes of the hammerhead shark Giuseppe]

Giuseppe: What'd he do? What'd he do? I can't see it!

Oscar: Any shark that comes around in Oscar town is going down! I get poetic! In the heat I get poetic!

Oscar: Well, for your information, I am the Sharkslayer. That's what they're callin' me.

Lenny: Wait a minute. You mean when the...

Oscar: Uh-huh.

Lenny: And then you...

[gasps]

Lenny: Oh, you're a liar!

Lenny: SHHH! He could still be out there!

Oscar: Who?

Lenny: The Shark Slayer...

[Oscar laughs]

Oscar: There's no Shark Slayer.

Lenny: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, yes there is!

Oscar: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, no there is NOT! Trust me on this one!

Oscar: Get a grip, man! This is no time to act crazy!

Oscar: You're the one acting crazy, crazy!

Oscar: Now which one of y'all sardines called this here meeting?

Don Lino: That would be me.

[slams the door, making Sykes, Oscar and Lenny cringe a little]

Don Lino: So, this is the Shark Slayer. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I feel like we're practically family, you know? Funny, ain't it? I brought my sons into the world, full of love and care. And then you took them out. Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'm the Don, the boss of the Great White Sharks!

Luca: Hey boss, I saved you a seat!

Oscar: All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of...

Angie: Oh, yeah? What's that?

Oscar: SHARKS... ARE COMING... TO GET ME!

Angie: And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?

Oscar: Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...

Lenny: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this?

Oscar: Hey, too late now, Veggie Boy, they'll be looking for you too!

Lenny: Point taken. What's the plan?

[Oscar has just prised his way out of a shark's jaw and is striking a manly pose for the crowds]

Oscar: Are you not entertained?

[the crowd cheers]

Oscar: You can't handle the truth!

[the crowd cheers]

Oscar: You had me at hello!

[the crowd cheers; Angie especially raises an eyebrow]

Oscar: I'm not really a shark slayer... I lied.

Crazy Joe: [remorseful] And I'm not a financial advisor!

Oscar: I'm a nobody - I want some of that!

Angie: [mischievously] Mrs. Sanchez?

Oscar: What? Ewww, no!

Don Lino: [hugging his son] Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? I thought I'd lost you... What're you wearing, huh? What is that?

[Lenny heaves a resigned sigh and sheds his disguise. The other sharks gape at him]

Luca: Hey, boss, it's Lenny - he was wearing a disguise so we wouldn't recognise him, but he's not wearing a disguise, so we DO recognise him!

Lenny: Hi, Pop...

Don Lino: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you out of your MIND? Do you have any idea how this looks?

Giuseppe: This is the best sit-down I've ever been to!

Don Lino: What're you doing with this guy? He took out your own flesh and blood, Frankie!

Lenny: But Pop, just listen...

Don Lino: But nothing, you never take sides against the family, ever!

Oscar: Don, Lino, sir, listen, it's not his fault - this is between you and me!

Don Lino: What did I ever do to YOU? You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! I'm going to get you!

[He goes for Oscar]

Oscar: Yo that was crazy, right? Who knew? I mean it's all set, we good to go, we had the money. And he trips underwater. Who in the hell-o-but trips underwater? And by the way, on what?

Oscar: Ernie! Bernie! My jellyfish brothers! Booyakah!

Oscar: [answering the phone] Hello, who's this?

Luca: Hi, this is Luca the Octopu... never mind. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package...

[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie... ]

Luca: That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down - be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes...

[thinks this statement over]

Oscar: ...the DEAD ones! Now nod your head if you understand.

[Oscar nods his head]

Luca: Now tell me if you nodded your head.

Oscar: I nodded.

[Luca hangs up]

Katie Current: Oscar, are you going to continue working at the wash?

Oscar: Please, I barely work here now.

Angie: [about Lenny] What were you THINKING, bringing him here?

Oscar: Well... I'm still working out the kinks...

Angie: Kinks? You LIED! Everybody thinks you "slayed the shark!"

Oscar: Well, who am I to tell them that they're wrong?

Oscar: How could you lie to me, Oscar? ME?

Oscar: Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY!

Oscar: Sykes! My brother from another mother!

Angie: You're going way too far, Oscar!

Lenny: Actually, he hasn't gone far enough...

Oscar: Exactly!... what?

Oscar: Sykes, the deal is off! That shark I killed was Don Lino's SON!

Sykes: I know! Ain't that great?

Oscar: Not if he finds out!

Oscar: What is with y'all living in a love boat? You're supposed to be the MOB, get yourselves a decent hideout!

[staging a mock fight]

Oscar: Listen to them, Lenny! They love us!

Lenny: They love YOU, they hate me!

Ernie: Oscar!

Bernie: Did you kill that shark?

Oscar: Yeah, Yeah. Exactly how it looked; that's how it is.

Oscar: He trips underwater. Now who in the halibut trips underwater? And by the way, on what?

Oscar: You dig, dawg?

Lenny: Dig dawg... , dawg dig, dig dawg, yeah, yo diggy dog!

Oscar: [riding Lenny] Yippee-ki-yay...!

Oscar: Sometimes I just be coughing for nothin'!

Oscar: And you tell Don LAME-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! Ever! Remember this name: Oscar the Sharkslayer!

Oscar: AHHH! Okay, everybody go home to your loved ones - spend the last few hours that you have with each other!

[Everyone stares at him]

Oscar: Oh, I mean... that's the way it used to be. We'd be scrambling around and stuff. But that was before Oscar came to town!

Oscar: My dad was the greatest... but nobody loves a nobody.

Oscar: My man, Sykes... Has just, begged me... Not to murderlize you all up in here, all right? Now I might listen to him... But then again I might not!

Oscar: Huxley! First this guy ruined my beautiful Grouclland, and now, he's messin' with my frie...

[everyone is surprised to hear what Oscar just said]

Big Bird: Oscar, were you gonna say "friend"?

Oscar: No. I was gonna say... "French-fried fish-heads"!

[everyone else scoffs in disagreement]

Oscar: All right. So the little stink ball IS my friend. Oh, I gotta go do somethin' about this!

Oscar: Who says you can't go home again?

Susan: Oscar, maybe you can get your friends to tell us where Elmo is.

Cookie Monster, Telly, Zoe: Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oscar: In a minute. First I have to look at the old neighborhood here. Hey, I wonder where that old septic tank is.

Susan: Hey, wait a minute!

Gordon: No, Oscar, we've got to find Elmo first!

Cookie Monster, Telly: Elmo! Elmo!

Susan: Let's go this way.

Grouch Cop: It's against the law to ask for help in Grouchland! You have the right to scream your head off. Should you give up the right to scream your head off, someone who will scream their head off... will be provided for you.

Oscar: Come on!

Cookie Monster: Me innocent. Hello? Me need cookies!

Celeste: Oh, don't mind him. It's called gallows humour.

Sam: Yeah, but is it funny?

Oscar: Only if you're in love and waiting to die. My name's Oscar, this is my wife Celeste. I've got cancer, she's got AIDs.

Elaine: You're going to be a father.

Oscar: I'm pregnant?

Elaine: No. I'm pregnant.

Oscar: You're pregnant too?

Oscar: If you listen to DMX, the baby comes out goin 'Ennngghhh!

Oscar: So you got you a baby mama! You know I got two baby mamas myself.

Kate Holbrook: Yes, but you had relationships with those women.

Oscar: I didn't have relationships with those women. I had 'relations' with those women.

Kate Holbrook: Well, this is different. I'm paying her to have my baby.

Oscar: She's havin' a baby, you're payin' the bills. That's a baby mama. Ask any black man in Philadelphia.

Oscar: [listening to his iPod on the front steps of Kate's apartment] Here come, yo baby mama! Riding, a Suzuki.

Oscar: I'm Oscar!

Snaps: Get rid of him!

[beat]

Snaps: Expeditiously.

Aldo: Right, boss.

[Oscar screams as he is forcibly removed]

Oscar: What are you, punishment from God?

Oscar: I don't understand you. Why do you have to be so GODDAMNED UNCOMPROMISING?

Eva: It's called principle, Oscar. Maybe the world is in short supply, but I am NOT. See, people pay their tax dollars for MY PRINCIPLE so they can go into a restaurant and not eat chicken-fried RAT, or bite into a bacon, lettuce and tomaine sandwich. If I slack up on you then I have to cut EVERYONE a break. And pretty soon, the almonds on you salad have LEGS. If that makes me UNCOMPROMISING, then I wear it as a badge of honor cuz I'm in DAMN GOOD COMPANY! Martin Luther King was uncompromising, Nelson Mandela was uncompromising, and I'm sure your MOTHER was uncompromising, although the evidence of that is not apparent today. So... why don't you think of me as your Mom right now. And Momma says, "CLEAN IT UP!"

Eva: [after shocking Oscar] See you in 48 hours.

Sally: Would you ever hurt me?

Oscar: No!

Sally: Neglect me?

Oscar: Never!

Sally: Shit on me?

Oscar: [pause] Do you want me to?

Oscar: Wisftul, Are ya?

John: Among other emotions!

Oscar: You didn't happen to tell anyone about what happened last night, did you?

Diane: Would it matter if I had? You're a grown up

[pauses to light cigarette]

Diane: or close enough.

Oscar: My wallet was stolen.

Diane: You were mugged?

Oscar: Well, sort of.

Diane: What do you mean, 'sort of'?

Oscar: She was very pleasant about it.

Charlie: So this means that you slept with Dianne.

Oscar: I realize now that was a mistake. I was drunk, she was wearing Eve's scarf, it smelled of her perfume, I got confused.

Charlie: So, you're going to dinner with both of them? The girl you like and the girl you slept with?

Oscar: Yeah, my dad's coming too.

Oscar: Hey Jimmy.

Jimmy: Hi Tadpole. Back for Thanksgiving?

Oscar: That's right.

Jimmy: What happened to your hair?

Oscar: I combed it.

Jimmy: Oh. I don't like it.

Diane: Oscar and I...

Oscar: Both speak French!

Diane: Oscar and I... are lovers.

Eve: What?

Oscar: What? Are you drunk?

Diane: I don't think Eve is happy. There's a void. Something's missing.

Oscar: What makes you say that?

Diane: It's a woman thing. I sense it. I feel it. Plus, last week she said there was a void and something was missing.

Oscar: I saw a statue once. It was called, "the third time Phyllis saw me, she exploded."

Will: Man, what kind of statue was that?

Oscar: I dunno, it was made out of driftwood and dipped in fluoric acid. Very wild.

Oscar: [about working in a hotel] People don't leave things in their rooms anymore. Do you know it's got so bad I gotta buy me own toothpaste?

[last lines]

Dyanne Lynn: Oh, oh my goodness. You saved my life. My hero!

Oscar: You're Dyanne Lynn. Oh. I, I love this drive-in.

Ned: How's the cop business, Oscar?

Oscar: Real good. Always starts hopping in weather like this. When it gets this hot, people try to kill each other.

Oscar: Whatcha got for pie today, Stella?

Stella: I got cherry, cherry and cherry.

Oscar: Well, what do you recommend?

Stella: I like the cherry.

Oscar: Bring it on.

Oscar: Look Charlie, you're a good boy. Will you just tell your uncle that I have nothing. There is nothing to give him. No envelopes with cash inside, no checks, nothing.

Charlie: That bad, huh?

Oscar: I can't make this week's payment and if this keeps up not next week's either.

Charlie: Not next week's either... listen... you tell that to Giovanni, not me.

Oscar: Listen, I should wrap up this place in a ribbon and hand it to him, you know that. I don't need this aggravation. I'm getting old.

Charlie: He'd rather have the loan payed, you know that.

Guy Van Stratten: Oh, you don't want to talk. That's what Oscar said.

Jakob Zouk: O-O-Oscar, he's a drug addict. He'll never be well.

Guy Van Stratten: I almost made him well. I got him out in the water. Took away his needle.

[Cut to new scene inside a sail boat]

Oscar: I don't need to play my music for a pleasure cruise. Pleasure?

[Shaking]

Oscar: I don't know how long we've been out on this boat? For how many days I've been without?

Guy Van Stratten: Without your heroin!

Oscar: You didn't throw it away did you?

Guy Van Stratten: You'll get your junk when you start to talk.

Oscar: I won't talk. I won't tell you anything.

Alex: I bumped into your sister.

Oscar: Yeah?

Alex: Yeah. Following that cunt, Mario.

Oscar: Fucking hate that guy.

Alex: I can't believe she's going out with him, you know?

Oscar: If she ever gets pregnant, I'll kill the baby. I swear to God.

Oscar: Do you remember that pact we made? We promised to never leave each other.

Linda: I really feel so happy with you. I feel free. I feel very, very free. You promise me you'll never leave me?

Oscar: Of course.

Linda: We die together?

Oscar: We'll never die.

Linda: We'll never die?

Oscar: Never.

Linda: We're immortal?

Oscar: Yes. We will never die.

Linda: Good.

Linda: Don't you want to find a real job?

Oscar: Fuck no. Everybody who has a job is just a slave.

Alex: You know, there is a big difference between taking psychedelics and being a dealer, you know?

Oscar: I said I'm not a dealer.

Alex: Man, you're a dealer and you're a motherfucker, man. I can't believe you're fucking that old bitch, you know? You're in Tokyo. There's a lot of fucking cute chicks everywhere, and you're fucking some old bitch. And she's a foreigner as well. At least if you were fucking a Japanese old bitch, you know?

Oscar: She fucked me.

[first lines]

Oscar: Hey. Hey, Linda. C'mere. Come outside. I wonder what Tokyo looks like from up there.

Linda: I don't.

Oscar: Why not?

Linda: I'd be scared.

Oscar: Scared of what?

Linda: Of dying, I guess. Falling into the void.

Oscar: They say you fly when you die.

Linda: It's fucking cold.

Alex: The drug guy, he's a dirty bastard you know. Yeah, he likes boys.

Oscar: Who is this?

Alex: Bruno, the guy that gave me drugs. Don't even take a drink. You take a drink, you might wake up two days later with his shit in your mouth, you know.

[pause]

Alex: Or your own shit, you know. I should be able to get him to see you today but I won't come back with you so you should be careful. You know what his new trick is? He can't even be turned on by fucking now, so what he does is...

Oscar: [looking over the balcony] Hey... I'm not gonna *jump* from here, am I?

Alex: Hey, once a new guy gives him a blowjob, yeah, he sticks his finger inside his own ass, and then he wipes his finger on the back of their head. So they walk around with shit on their hair.

Alex: You know what this reminds me?

Oscar: What?

Alex: Smoking. It reminds me of sucking on my mother's nipples. Best thing in my life.

Oscar: Yeah, freak... When is this acid gonna be hitting me?

[Oscar pulls out a bag of pills from a decoy soda can]

Alex: You're not taking everything, are you?

Oscar: No, only his share.

Alex: Man, that's a lot of gear!

Oscar: Yeah...

Alex: Shit, that's fucking dangerous, you know. You should let him come and fucking pick it up himself.

Oscar: No, he won't come by here anymore. Not after what happened with his mother.

Alex: What, he found out?

Oscar: Yeah.

Alex: How did he find out?

Oscar: I don't wanna talk about it.

Oscar: Hey, man... that's my sister, okay? So don't touch her.

Mario: [smirks] Be a good brother.

Oscar: [holds out bag of pills] Wanna try some?

Dancer: Sure.

Mario: [enters room] Get ready, you guys...

[sees Oscar, approaches him]

Mario: What the fuck are you doing in here?

Oscar: Doesn't matter to you I'm not hurting anybody...

Mario: [grabs bag of pills] Shit!

Oscar: Don't touch my stuff...

Mario: [slaps Oscar] You're selling the drugs to my girls?

Oscar: Fuck off, give it back!

Mario: Fuck!

[grabs Oscar]

Mario: If I ever see you again here, I'm gonna kill ya.

Hoke Colburn: Hey, there, Oscar, Junior... how you boys doin' this morning?

Oscar: How the old lady treatin' you, Hoke?

Hoke Colburn: Lord, I tell you one thing... she sho' do know how to throw a fit!

[Hoke, Oscar, and Junior break out in laughter]

Daisy Werthan: What's so funny?

Hoke Colburn: Nothin', Miss Daisy. We jus' carryin' on.

Oscar: What happened to your dance classes?

Mimi: Dancing has to come from the heart.

Oscar: So?

Mimi: My heart is broken.

Oscar: Have you ever truly idolized a woman? Nothing can be obscene in such love. Everything that occurs in between it becomes a sacrament.

Oscar: It's no fun hurting someone who means nothing to you.

Oscar: She came to see me when I got out of Intensive Care. She said, there's bad news and there's good news. You're paralyzed from the waist down - permanently. OK, I said, let's have the good news. That was the good news, she said. The bad news is that from now on, I'm taking care of you.

Mimi: I want to marry you. I want to give you babies. I want to give you the rest of my life!

Oscar: I don't want the rest of your life. I want my own.

Oscar: Everyone has a sadistic streak, and nothing brings it out better than the knowledge you've got someone at your mercy.

Oscar: Nothing ever surpass the rapture of that first awakening. I might have been Adam with the taste of apple fresh in my mouth. I was looking at all the beauty in the world embodied in a single female form and I knew, with sudden blinding certainty, this was IT!

Oscar: In the eyes of every woman, I could see the reflection of the next.

Oscar: We were developing a narcotic dependence on television - the marital aid that enables a couple to endure each other, without having to talk.

Oscar: I'd been granted a glimpse of heaven, then dumped on the sidewalk of Rue d'Assas.

Oscar: What have you been doing In Möntenich ? Waiting tables?

Mimi: Yes till the manager found out I could dance then he put me on the floor show.

Oscar: Kind of him.

Mimi: Yes he was very kind , he almost restored my faith in human nature.

Oscar: Only almost ?

Mimi: He did until I remembered you.

Oscar: Touché.

Oscar: She's a man-trap! Look what she did to me!

Oscar: So you didn't kill yourself ?

Mimi: What for ? I was dead already.

Oscar: Where have you been ?

Mimi: You bought the tickets you should know.

Oscar: What are you doing back here ?

Mimi: Just visiting, I heard about your misfortune thought I could see if you needed anything.

Oscar: You know what I really need baby? I need you to stay out of my life.

Mimi: You haven't lost your charm Oscar I should have known.

Oscar: [Mimi is eating croissants and drinking milk straight from the bottle] Do you have to drink it that way? Why can't you use a glass ?

Mimi: Whats the difference it tastes the same ?

Oscar: It doesn't look the same.

Mimi: Ola la I didn't know you were so delicate.

Oscar: What do you mean delicate ?

Mimi: I mean delicate.

Oscar: I know what you mean but it's just not the right word in English. If you don't know the right word in English say it in French.

Mimi: I don't say it in French because your French isn't good enough.

Oscar: It's better than your English.

Mimi: After all these years in Paris so it should be. Maybe your English isn't that good enough either, maybe that's why no one wants to publish your books.

Oscar: So now you are literary agent? That's great coming from a waitress.

Mimi: I am not a waitress I am a dancer.

Oscar: Dancer to hell! You would still be begging tips if I hadn't picked you up from that fucking restaurant.

[Mimi stone faced throws the bottle of milk at Oscar and rushes out with Oscar in hot pursuit. He grabs her by the hair and slaps her hard and she falls to the floor]

Nigel: Why do you think I want to hear it? I still don't know what gives you the idea that I enjoy being used as a rubbish-dump for your unsavory reminiscences?

Oscar: Don't you? Don't you really, Nigel?

Oscar: [to Helweg] Memo to Adolf, the uniform isn't real.

[entering the coffee shop]

Chloe Barlow: Hey, you need anybody to work here?

Oscar: [to Bradley] Yes! Yeah. I mean, if that's all right with you.

Bradley Smith: You... You have any experience with this kind of work?

Chloe Barlow: No.

Oscar: [interrupting] Neither did I when I started.

Bradley Smith: Do you like coffee?

Chloe Barlow: Not much.

Oscar: [interrupting again] She'll learn to love it.

Bradley Smith: But why here?

Chloe Barlow: I don't know. I just kind of felt a harmonic convergence in this place.

Oscar: She's right, you know? I felt the same kind of thing.

Bradley Smith: [looking confused] Ah.

[talking about getting the dog at the humane society for Kathryn]

Bradley Smith: You know what I feel like doing? I feel like just driving over there and grabbing the little guy before somebody else gets him.

Oscar: So just do it, though, you know? Go for it.

Bradley Smith: Yeah? You think?

Oscar: You only live once.

[short pause]

Oscar: Probably.

[On how Christians are by nature gamblers]

Oscar: We bet that there is a God.

[In his letter to Lucinda]

Oscar: I dare not hope, and yet I must that through this deed I gain your trust.

[On seeing the glass model]

Oscar: It is like a kennel for God's angels.

Oscar: [to Kafka] Miss Rossman was here looking for you.

Ludwig: Gabriela.

Oscar: Do you know her?

Franz Kafka: Do you?

Oscar: Well, we saw her naked once.

Oscar: It's not too bad working here, though.

Franz Kafka: You've never felt it was a horrible double life, from which there was probably no escape but insanity?

Ludwig: Yes!

Oscar: No.

Ludwig: No.

Oscar: Bygone times are always the best of times...

Oscar: Where is my Hanglider?

Oscar: My dad was way into all this kind of stuff.

Oscar: Since society began there's been a way of doing things right and a way of doing them wrong.

Oscar: Dude, calm down before the fat man comes back.

Bartender: What did you say, Oscar?

Oscar: Nothing, sir.

Bartender: Good, because if I want sarcasm, I will talk to my wife tonight, thank you very much.

Oscar: If there were any justice in this town, the sheriff would make me a de-de-de... marshal.