Ollie Quotes in Heavy Traffic (1973)

Ollie: [pressuring Michael to have sex with a naked girl]

Ollie: Say hello to Rosalyn, Mike.

Rosalyn: Hiya, Mike. I've heard a lot about you...

Ollie: She's good, Mike! She's good!

Rosalyn: Everyone says you're a virgin, Michael.

Michael: Wait a minute! Don't even believe that! You know, everybody talks, they think they know everything. Well, nobody knows nothing. I mean, do I look like a virgin to you?

[Ollie and his friends laugh]

[a hand comes into the screen and onto Michael's neck in a choking fashion]

Michael: Moe?

[the scene pulls back to reveal Ollie]

Ollie: Hey, man, do I look like a nigger to you? I mean - I mean, like, take a good, clean look.

Michael: A good, clean look would be refreshing, Ollie.

Angie: [visiting the Godfather] I have a problem that I need your help in. I need your help this time! I want to put out a contract on my sons' life because he is living in disrespect with a COLORED GIRL!

[Italian]

The Godfather: That is-a personal. Not-a business. That is-a personal. Idiota! Imbecile!

[slaps Angie]

Angie: [Italian]

The Godfather: Fungula!

[Fuck you]

Ollie: Good evening, Godfather. I thought you should know - I just saw those niggers load your olive oil. You know, Angie's niggers.

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?

Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron - Baron Munchausen.

Doorman: What's your business?

Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.

Stan: Yes, sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.

[Ollie searches his pockets, while Stan takes the check from his own coat]

Doorman: [Ollie takes the check from Stan and hands the check to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?

Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country.

Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.

[Ollie twiddles his tie and chuckles]

Doorman: You guys are screwy!

[the doorman re-enters the mansion, closing the door]

Doorman: [Ollie folds the check and puts it in his pocket, ringing the doorbell again] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!

Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell once more; the doorman rips a chime off the wall and goes to the door] Who rang the bell?

Ollie: I did.

[Doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]

Ollie: Oooh! Ooh, mmph, mmph.

[Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]

Ollie: Oooh! Ugh.

Stan: Are you going to stand for that?

Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me; I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions.

Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old piddly-winks.

Ollie: Why, certainly.

Stan: We don't want his...

Ollie: Not piddly-winks, tiddly-winks.

[Ollie glances toward the camera, does a double take]

Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Ummph!

Ollie: I can't go to the library. It's too relaxing. Every time I go, I gotta shit.

Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?

Ollie: Gertrude.

Will Smith: Damn, why'd you do that man?

Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!

Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!

Ollie: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.

Gertrude Steiney: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!

Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.

Gertrude Steiney: [now crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!

Maya: I do it at least twice a day.

Ollie: Good God!

Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?

Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.

Ollie: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.

Ollie: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?

Maya: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?

Ollie: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.

Maya: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?

Ollie: Yeah.

Maya: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.

Ollie: [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at.

[last lines]

Gertie: Thank you, Daddy.

Ollie: Anything for you, Gert. You know why?

Gertie: Why?

Ollie: 'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.

[after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]

Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?

Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?

Ollie: Yes.

Gertie: [after thinking hard again] Is it as big as his?

Ollie: Sadly, yes.

Ollie: They're just skinny because they're coked out whores.

Gertrude Steiney: [sobbing] I wanna' be a coked-out whore!

Ollie: Okay. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.

Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.

Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.

Bart: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.

Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?

Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?

Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

Ollie: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?

Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.

Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.

Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.

Gertie: Did Mommy like New York?

Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.

Gertie: Then I guess I will too.

Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.

Ollie: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!

Bart: Not that, smart-ass.

Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!

[Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]

Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."

Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?

Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?

Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?

Gertie: Can we rent this?

[gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]

Ollie: [while examining the movie] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.

Gertie: All those movies suck!

Ollie: Watch your language!

[Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]

[Maya arrives at the front door]

Gertie: [to Maya] Hey! You're the lady from the video store.

Ollie: Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.

Doctor #1: [informs Ollie the bad news] Ollie...

Ollie: lf l don't get to go in there right now... l swear to God!

Doctor #1: Ollie... Ollie, calm down.

Ollie: Fuck you, calm down! Okay? l got dragged out of there, l haven't got to see my baby!

Doctor #1: Your baby is fine. She's healthy, she's normal.

Ollie: What's wrong with Gertie?

Doctor #1: l need you to calm down before l...

Ollie: Look, l'm calm! Okay?

[heaves an exasperated sigh]

Ollie: l'm calm.

Doctor #1: We think Gertie had an aneurysm.

Ollie: ls she OK?

Doctor #1: We lost her, Ollie. The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture. There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms...

Ollie: [the dialogue fades out as the song "That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart'' by Aimee Mann starts to play. Ollie breaks down and sinks to the floor, crying]

Ollie: [Talking to Lola posing as Mary Roberts] Little lady, you've heard the worst. Now, prepare yourself for the best. Now cheer up. Smile. That's right. Remember: ''every cloud has a silver lining''.

Stan: [in an attempt to wax poetic like Ollie] That's right - any bird can build a nest, but it isn't every one that can lay an egg.

Ollie: We'll all go down to Dixie. Oh, for a slice of possum and yam. Mm!

Stan: Yes sir, and some good old fish and chips. I can smell 'em.

Ollie: [disgusted] Fish and chips!

Stan: Do you mind if I have another idea?

Ollie: If it's anything like the last one, yes.

Lola Marcel: [shows Finn the deed] Ha - *ha*!

Mickey Finn: Ho - *ho*!

Ollie: [grabs the deed] He - *he*!

Mickey Finn: I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?

Ollie: [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way] Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.

Stan: [attempting to speak in a serious, slightly self-important tone, but obviously just blabbing away carelessly] Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?

Ollie: [looking disgusted at Stan's stupidity] Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...

[gives Stan an annoyed shove]

Ollie: You might as well know the rest!

Mickey Finn: [the real Mary knocks at the door] Who's there?

Mary Roberts: Mary.

Stan: Mary who?

Mickey Finn: [nervously] Mary - Merry Christmas. Ohhh...

[opens the door]

Mary Roberts: Excuse me, Mr. Finn, one of these gentlemen dropped this at the foot of the stairs.

Ollie: [takes the deed from her hands, not recognizing her as the real Mary] Oh, oh why thank you, little lady, you don't know what you've done, thanks!

Mickey Finn: [shows Mary out of the room, closing the door] All right, all right, all right.

Ollie: [hands the deed to Lola, unaware that she's pretending to be Mary] There you are: signed, sealed, and now delivered.

Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh, thank you so much.

Ollie: Not at all.

[Mickey Finn utters a sigh of exhausted relief]

Ollie: Come Stanley, we'd better be going.

Stan: Oh say, what about the locket?

Ollie: That's right I...

Stan: We've got something else for you.

Ollie: I almost forgot it.

[puts on his derby and loosens his necktie]

Ollie: And besides that...

[unbuttons his shirt and takes out the locket]

Ollie: your father left you this family heirloom.

Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Oh yes, I - I remember it well.

Ollie: Help me get it off, Stanley.

[Ollie loosens his collar while Stan tries to take the locket chain off of Ollie's neck by pulling it up around his chin]

Stan: Am I hurting you?

Ollie: No, just a minute.

Stan: Won't be long.

[Stan tries again to take the chain off of Ollie]

Stan: Maybe I'd better try and open it again.

Ollie: I think so.

[Stan loosens Ollie's collar to get to the clasp]

Stan: It slipped.

[Stan unbuttons Ollie's shirt]

Stan: Maybe you'd better take your coat off.

Ollie: [starts to take off his coat] Pardon me just a minute.

[Stan removes Ollie's necktie and collar; Ollie takes his suspenders off and the locket falls down his trousers leg to the floor]

Ollie: [Stan reaches up Ollie's back and finds a thread, Ollie breaks the thread and discovers an unraveled undergarment] We'll find it in just a moment.

[Ollie takes off his shirt, and Stan notices the locket on the floor and picks it up]

Ollie: We got it.

[Stan hands the locket to Lola]

Ollie: I'm gonna go in and change, pardon us.

[Ollie goes into the bedroom to put his clothes back on, and Stan follows]

Ollie: [Mary comes downstairs] Goodbye, Miss... uh... Miss... uh...

Mary Roberts: Roberts, Mary Roberts.

Ollie: Goodbye, Miss Roberts.

Stan: Goodbye.

Ollie: [Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take] Did you hear what she said her name was?

Stan: Sure, Mary Roberts.

Ollie: How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?

Stan: I don't know.

[Stan crushes out a cigar butt with his shoe]

Ollie: I smell a rat.

Stan: I smell something too.

[Stan discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]

Ollie: Come on.

[Stan and Ollie go back to the kitchen; they remove their hats]

Ollie: Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?

Mary Roberts: Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.

Ollie: Well, who's that woman upstairs?

Mary Roberts: That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.

Stan: [Stan taps Ollie on the shoulder, and accidentally bangs his head on a hanging frying pan] Can I speak to you for a minute?

Ollie: Pardon us.

Stan: Yeah, we'll be right back.

[Stan and Ollie head for the main hall]

Stan: You know what?

Ollie: What?

Stan: I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ollie: Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.

Stan: Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.

Ollie: Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.

Stan: What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.

Ollie: That's what I call determination.

[Ollie shakes Stan's hand; they head upstairs]

Ollie: Come on.

Stan: [Ollie knocks on the door] Who's there?

Ollie: Me.

Stan: Me who?

Ollie: [annoyed] "Me who?"

[Ollie knocks again, this time on Mickey Finn's head]

Stan: [Ollie knocks on Mickey Finn's door] Who's there?

Ollie: Me.

Stan: Me, who?

Ollie: [annoyed at Stan's response] "Me, who?"

[Mickey Finn goes to the door, Ollie knocks on his head]

Mickey Finn: Well - What do you want?

Ollie: Out of my way, you snake in the grass!

[Ollie brushes Finn aside]

Stan: You toad in the hole.

[Stan yanks Finn's necktie, Finn kicks Stan in retaliation]

Lola Marcel: Say you slugs, what do you mean busting in here like this?

Stan: We want to know why you are not Mary Roberts.

Ollie: I'll take care of this matter.

Lola Marcel: So you got wise, huh? Well, if it's this deed you're after, you're just out of luck.

[Ollie grabs the deed from Lola, and a chase ensues]

Lola Marcel: Give that back to me!

Ollie: Take it, Stan!

[Ollie pursues Mickey Finn]

Ollie: Beat it!

Mickey Finn: [holding a pistol] Now, get out of here!

[knock on the door]

Mickey Finn: Who's there?

Sheriff: The sheriff.

Ollie: Just in the nick of time! Now we'll get justice! Come in, Sheriff, you're just the man I'm looking for!

Sheriff: And you're just the man I'm looking for.

Ollie: Oh thank you, this man -

[Ollie recognizes the Sheriff whose wife was pestered by Stan and Ollie in the stagecoach]

Ollie: Ohhh!

[Stan laughs hysterically]

Sheriff: [Ollie taps Stan on the shoulder, he stops laughing] I thought I told you two dudes to catch the next coach out of town.

Ollie: [meekly] Yes, sir.

Sheriff: Well, it left ten minutes ago.

Ollie: It did? Well, maybe we'd better try and catch it.

Sheriff: Well, I'd say you'd better!

[the Sheriff fires his guns, chasing Stan and Ollie out of town]

Sheriff: Look at 'em go!

Mickey Finn: Ha, you can't see 'em for dust!

[Sheriff laughs]

[last lines]

Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: [singing] We're going to go, we're going to go / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see / We're going to see my home in Dixie / You can tell the world we're going to...

Ollie, Mary Roberts: D - I - X...

Stan: [music stops] I know how to spell it.

Ollie, Mary Roberts: [music resumes] Then we're going,

Stan: [sings separately] All right, we're going,

Ollie, Mary Roberts: You know we're going,

Stan: [sings] You bet we're going

Stan, Ollie, Mary Roberts: To our home in Dixie land / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see...

[song fades out as Ollie falls into the creek]

Ollie: We would like for you to give us a room and a bath.

Mrs Bickerdike: I can give you the room, but you'll have to take the bath yourself.

Ollie: Good morning Mr. Miggs.

Mr. Miggs - the Lawyer: Well, what are you doing? You're all dressed up?

Ollie: Well, we're in the army! How do we look.

Mr. Miggs - the Lawyer: Ha-ha-ha-ha. God save the King!

Ollie: All the way from America on a cattle boat...

[shakes bagpipes]

Ollie: for *this*.

Khan Mir Jutra: [a gunshot is heard behind a screen] Remove the body.

Ollie: [the screen is removed. Stan has his eyes closed and a pistol pointed over his head] What happened?

Stanley MacLaurel: I missed myself.

[cries]

Stanley MacLaurel: [after hearing that Sandy MacLaurel killed himself at the sight of his newborn son] That must have been an ugly kid.

Ollie: Sandy MacLaurel was *your father*.

Stanley MacLaurel: Say Ollie, what was that the General was trying to tell us that he didn't know himself? You know, about the mysteries of something?

Ollie: I don't know. Ask old Leatherpuss.

Stanley MacLaurel: Who?

Ollie: Leatherpuss!

Stanley MacLaurel: Sgt. Leatherpuss?

Sergeant Major Finlayson: Are you speaking to me?

Stanley MacLaurel: Yes sir.

Sergeant Major Finlayson: Who informed you my name was Leatherpuss?

Stanley MacLaurel: [Pointing to Ollie] He did.

Sergeant Major Finlayson: Well, my name is Sgt Finlayson, to you! From now on!

Ollie: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Stanley MacLaurel: What do you think we better do, Ollie?

Ollie: I expected that. Every time you get us into a mess, you come to me, expecting me to get us out of it.

Stanley MacLaurel: Well, it wasn't my fault.

Ollie: What do you mean it wasn't your fault? If you hadn't been so money mad, we wouldn't be here! There we were, comfortably in jail, with one more week to serve. And you had to talk me into breaking out. Just to come on this wild goose chase of yours!

Stanley MacLaurel: Well, I guess we'll have to stow our way back home again. Go back to the jail and tell the warden we're sorry for all the trouble we've put him to and maybe we'll get our old cell back.

Ollie: That's a very, very, very good idea! Just as soon as my pants are dry, we'll formulate - our plans.

Ollie: Where have you been?

Stanley MacLaurel: The landlady gave me this. It's the bill for three weeks rent.

Ollie: There are more important things than this. Did you get me any pants?

Stanley MacLaurel: No, but, I got something to eat.

Ollie: How are you going to cook it?

Stanley MacLaurel: I never thought of that.

Ollie: No, you wouldn't! Once again, I have to come to your rescue and be the Mother of Invention! Oh!

Stanley MacLaurel: What you going to do?

Ollie: I'm going to cook the fish, over the candle.

Stanley MacLaurel: I've got an idea that's better than your Mother's invention.

Ollie: Ha-ha-ha-ha - - - Ha!

Stanley MacLaurel: What are you laughing at?

Ollie: Why shouldn't I laugh? Here am I, Oliver Norvell Hardy. A man without a home. A man without a country. A man without any pants!

Stanley MacLaurel: [Walking down a snowy street in kilts] Ollie?

Ollie: What?

Stanley MacLaurel: Do you feel a draft?

Stanley MacLaurel: Gee, I'm dumb today.

Ollie: Today?

Ollie: [to Stan] Well, you fixed me up pretty, didn't you!

Ollie: What are walking like that for?

Stanley MacLaurel: [Walking bowlegged] Well the horse didn't fit me.

Khan Mir Jutra: There's no escape! Take those.

Ollie: [Stan and Ollie pick up two pistols] What are these for?

Khan Mir Jutra: You are to use those to blow your brains out!

Stanley MacLaurel: [Crying] Oh, I never blew my brains out before.

Ollie: [to Stan, after all the diplomatic posts have been assigned] Why Stan... you're *the people*.

Student: Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?

Ollie: This is Oxford isn't it?

Student: Yes but, you're dressed for Eton

Stan: Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

Stan: This joint is really screwy! There's a gent over there who just said he wants his salad served undressed!

Ollie: Well, you heard what he said - serve the salad undressed!

[last lines]

Stan: Ollie, where ya goin'?

Ollie: Back to America for me!

Stan: Ollie?

Ollie: What?

Stan: [starts to cry] You're going without me...

Ollie: Stan! You know me!

Stan: Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

Ollie: Einstein?... if it wasn't for that bump on the head he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein...

Ollie: [refering to the Dean] Have you ever seen a face like that anyhwere but in a zoo?

Stan: Sure... in a monkey house.

Ollie: A monkey house!

[laughs]

Ollie: I never thought of that!

Stan: He must have one of those dizzy spells.

Ollie: Yeah, he's a dizzy dean!

Ollie: [in the maze] Where are you?

Stan: I'm over here... where are you?

Ollie: I'm here.

Stan: How can you be here if I'm here?

Meredith: [speaking of Lord Paddington] And when he got angry, he would wiggle his ears in the most extraordinary fashion, and he would fight like a demon.

Ollie: Fight like demon...

[to Stan]

Ollie: Wiggle your ears.

Stan: Huh?

Ollie: [sternly] Wiggle your ears!

Stan: [Stan tries to wiggle his ears] I can't wiggle my ears.

Ollie: Of course not; it's another rib.

Ollie: [to Meredith about Stan] Brilliant mind?

[laughs]

Ollie: Why, I've known him for years, and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw. Aren't you, Stanley?

Stan: I certainly am!

Ollie: Listen, I've had enough of this! Why I knew you when I had more brains in my little finger than you had in your whole carcass... even with your overcoat on!

Lord Paddington: You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, aren't you, Fatty?

Ollie: You bet I am, and don't call me Fatty!

Lord Paddington: Now don't get excited, old boy...

Ollie: Who's excited? I'm through. You can take your lordships, your Oxford and your Paddingtons and do what you like with them!

Ollie: And there's one more thing, too: I didn't like that double chin crack!

Ollie: Isn't she a smack addict?

Macauley: Yeah

Clay: My mum's a smack addict

Zak: My mum's a dinner lady

Ollie: As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?

Ollie: [after David tries unsuccessfully to convince Brent of the danger outside] Leave it alone, David. You can't convince some people there's a fire even when their hair is burning. Denial is a powerful thing.

Ollie: Those of you who aren't local should know that Mrs. Carmody is known in town for being unstable.

Biker: No shit. What was your first clue?

Ollie: [Ollie just fired 2 shots] I killed her.

David Drayton: Thank you Ollie.

Ollie: I killed her. I wouldn't have done that if there had been any other way.

David Drayton: That's why I said thank you.

Bud Brown: For Christ's sake, Ollie. You want me to report you? You want to lose your job? Look, I'm gonna be taking down names, starting with you. And I am prepared to file a police report.

Ollie: Fine, write down your names.

Bud Brown: I will.

Ollie: And in the mean time, shut the fuck up and listen.

Ollie: We gotta discuss how we're going to stop that thing from getting in here.

Myron: What do you mean getting in? We shut the loading door.

Ollie: Yeah, but the entire front of the store is plate glass.

Ollie: [Mrs. Carmody is preaching to her 'cult' and they're repeating expiation] Welcome to Sesame Street, kids. Today's word is 'expiation'.

Ollie: We have to tell them. The people in the market. We have to stop them from going outside.

David Drayton: They won't believe us.

Ollie: They have to.

David Drayton: I'm not sure I believe it, and I was here. What we saw was impossible. You know that, don't you? What do we say? How do we... convince them? Ollie, what the hell were those tentacles even attached to?

Ollie: Morning, Mrs. Carmody.

Mrs. Carmody: [referring to the crowd] With lines like these, I don't know how good it is. But I guess we'll have to make do.