Oliver Deuce Quotes in A Zed & Two Noughts (1985)

Oswald Deuce: How fast does a woman decompose?

Oliver Deuce: Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.

Oswald Deuce: Does being pregnant make any difference?

Oliver Deuce: No.

Oswald Deuce: And the baby?

Oliver Deuce: How far gone was she?

Oswald Deuce: Perhaps ten weeks.

Oliver Deuce: Then you'd never know.

Oswald Deuce: [long pause] I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away.

[short pause]

Oswald Deuce: What is the first thing that happens?

Oliver Deuce: The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.

Oswald Deuce: What sort of bacteria?

Oliver Deuce: [matter-of-factly] Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.

Oswald Deuce: Suppose Eve kissed Adam.

Oliver Deuce: Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.

Oliver Deuce: Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.

Alba Bewick: I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.

Oswald Deuce: You what?

Oliver Deuce: You are?

Alba Bewick: I am.

Oswald Deuce: Good lord.

Oliver Deuce: You can?

Alba Bewick: Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?

Oswald Deuce: I'm not sure.

Alba Bewick: You're not sure!

Oswald Deuce: I'm delighted!

Alba Bewick: You are delighted!

[suspiciously]

Alba Bewick: A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!

Oswald Deuce: It might help! Give you more stability.

Alba Bewick: Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.

Oliver Deuce: So... who's the father?

Alba Bewick: Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?

Oliver Deuce: Why, don't you know?

Alba Bewick: Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.

Oswald Deuce: But you...

Alba Bewick: NO BUTS!

[smiling]

Alba Bewick: You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!