Oliver Quotes in The World's End (2013)

Oliver: WTF, Gary. WTF.

Gary King: What the fuck does WTF mean?

Peter Page: [getting out the cubicle] What the fuck?

Gary King: Ooohh yeah!

Steven Prince: We need to be able to differentiate between them, them and us.

Peter Page: Yeah, I think the pronouns are really confusing.

Gary King: I don't even know what a pronoun is.

Oliver: Well, it's a word that can function by itself as a noun which refers to something else in the discourse.

Gary King: I don't get it.

Andrew Knightley: You just used one.

Gary King: Did I?

Andrew Knightley: "It" it's a pronoun.

Gary King: What is?

Andrew Knightley: It!

Gary King: Is it?

Andrew Knightley: Christ!

Gary King: And we're back! Just like the Five Musketeers!

Steven Prince: Three musketeers, wasn't it?

Peter Page: Four, if you count d'Artagnan.

Gary King: Well, nobody knows how many there were, really, do they, Pete? I mean, history's a sketchbook.

Oliver: You do know that "The Three Musketeers" is a fiction, right? Written by Alexandre Dumas?

Gary King: A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.

Steven Prince: What, that it was written by Alexandre Dumas?

Gary King: Don't be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus! Anyway, five sounds much better. I think they missed a trick only having three 'cos if they'd had five then two could've died and they'd still have three left.

Andrew Knightley: Are we there yet?

Gary King: Let's do this!

Steven Prince: [checks watch, waiting for Garry to use the bathroom] This is a long piss.

Oliver: If it is a piss. It might be a little

[mimes out cocaine snorting]

Peter Page: Poo?

Oliver: How's that a poo?

Gary King: If you're worried about me, don't be. I am here to tell you that Gary King is back on the horse.

Oliver: Woah, woah, you're back on the horse?

Gary King: No, I mean, I'm back on the bike.

Oliver: What's bike?

Gary King: What do you mean?

Oliver: What's bike stand for?

Gary King: Bicycle.

Oliver: I'm lost.

Gary King: Don't be.

Oliver: Okay.

Oliver: Maybe they have selective memories.

Gary King: Yeah, like what's-his-name. Me!

Steven Prince: Where are you getting this from?

Oliver: Old man Basil! He was there with a Bermuda Rhombus and the Aqua Nazis!

Gary King: Another great name for the band. Steve, write that down!

Gary King: Wait a minute. 1990 model Oliver was out of commission by this point of the evening.

Oliver: What are you saying?

Gary King: [pause] I like the new you!

Steven Prince: This is a long piss.

Oliver: If it is a piss.

Peter Page: Poo.

Oliver: How's that a poo?

[Gary, Andy, Steven, Oliver and Peter drink in unison]

Gary King: Drinking.

Oliver: Ahhhh.

Steven Prince: Beer.

Andrew Knightley: Pubs.

Peter Page: [burps]

Gary King: Shall we?

[they leave the bar drunkenly]

Oliver: All right. Let's say we make it out of the building... across the marina, down the docks, we even find your friend's boat and we take off and everything. Then what?

Jarrod: We get the hell away from here!

Oliver: Where to? Catalina? Down the coast?

Jarrod: Anywhere but here!

Oliver: How do you know? How do you know those things will not follow us? How do you know this isn't happening all over the world? We're safe here. We're here! We're alive!

Oliver: What the hell are you doing?

Jarrod: We have to let them know we're here!

Oliver: We'll let everything know we're here!

Jarrod: Help is here! Don't you see? We need to go up to the roof and be rescued!

Oliver: Does that look like a rescue chopper? Don't you get it? We are at war!

Oliver: [about to blow himself up to destroy an alien tanker] Vaya con Dios, you son of a bitch!

Elaine: Jarrod, what are you doing?

Jarrod: The only thing we can do. Making a run for it!

Oliver: What's this really about?

Jarrod: Those things are coming for us!

Oliver: You think I haven't noticed that? You think I haven't noticed that mess under your shirt? The plan is we stay here and hold up... for good!

Elaine: I agree!

Jarrod: You're going to let him decide everything? Look around you! We have no power. No more running water.

Elaine: Yeah, but you saw what is out there! We will not get 100 yards from this building!

Jarrod: Yeah, and I would rather take a stupid chance out there trying to make a run for it then staying up here in a 20-story target! Between those things and the radiation, we are dead up here!

[the group watches the helicopter take off after landing soldiers on the roof of the building next door]

Candice: Where are they going?

Jarrod: [to Elaine] Those choppers are coming back for them. We have to go up to the roof and get rescued. We're gonna get out of here.

Elaine: What if they don't come back? Look what happened to all those planes! What good is it trying to get away in a helicopter? We'll never make it with those things in the air!

Jarrod: I don't care! We need to take a chance!

Oliver: A chance? They just nuked a city! And you want to wave hello?

Jarrod: I'm not kidding anymore, Oliver. You need to back off!

Oliver: You're in no condition to decide anything and who knows what side you're on? If you go out there and try to run those things will see you and you'll be dead!

Jarrod: [getting more belligerent] I told you to back off! Don't make me hurt you!

Jarrod: Where we going?

Oliver: All the way to the top is the safest place I can think of.

Jarrod: We were just up there.

Oliver: You want to stay the hell with them, be my guest.

Oliver: What are you doing, huh? Like it or not, this is happening. You gotta be strong.

Oliver: [to Jarrod] All right, I'll bite. What's your plan now, boss man? Because I'm dying for you to tell me.

[pause]

Oliver: What? Nothing to say?

Jarrod: We're sitting on the marina for christ sakes!

Oliver: I've noticed it, man.

Jarrod: They're hundreds of boats at the docks...

Candice: We've been through all this!

Oliver: Remind us how that worked out last time.

Jarrod: [trying to think] Well... uh... we... we'll go quietly this time. We wait until... uh... it gets a little quiet then we'll go down the back stairs and uh...

Oliver: We tiptoe to the marina on foot... in broad daylight with little cover and search every boat until we find the right one with the key? Great plan!

Elaine: I can't believe you're suggesting this after what happened!

Jarrod: What are you saying? Are you saying that Terry's death was my fault?

Elaine: I was practically begging you not to go, but you and Terry wouldn't listen to me!

Jarrod: And if I had, do you really think Terry would have listened to me? Huh?

Oliver: I pieced together the photos of every murder and I laid them out chronologically. Oh, that red line right there indicates where his killing became erratic and inexplicable. So, all you've gotta do is set up a null hypothesis and try and prove it. And when you can't prove it, that means your original hypothesis must be true.

Ben Geary: Wait, wait.

Oliver: Take some fact. You said you believe Cassius returns to the scene of the crimes. And you've got photos of every murder. So set up a hypothesis of, say, Stephen Hawking is Cassius... which gives you a null hypothesis of Stephen Hawking is not Cassius. So, go through the photos and try and prove the null... that Rolling Thunder is not Cassius. If you can, that means your hypothesis is incorrect. If you can't... then depending on your "P" value of course... you've statistically proven your hypothesis must be true. Or that Stephen Hawking is Cassius. Yeah. Some of us didn't sleep our way through Logic and Stats at Harvard.

Stan: You know what?

Oliver: What?

Stan: I've got a clue. I think Mr. Hartley is just a bit cracked. Well, I ought to know.

Oliver: All inventors are like that - they're eccentric. They're not like you and me.

Oliver: What a beautiful picture.

Alva P. Hartley: Yes, that cost a lot of money. It's a Vandyke.

Stanley: A what?

Alva P. Hartley: A Vandyke. You know what a Vandyke is.

Stanley: Oh, yeah. My uncle had one, but he had to have it shaved off.

Oliver: Shh!

Stanley: What?

Oliver: Vandyke was a painter, not a beard.

[Stan and Ollie have been invited to dinner]

Oliver: I'm famished.

Alva P. Hartley: We'll start with the turkey.

[he uncovers a tray holding a number of pills]

Alva P. Hartley: Will you have light meat or dark?

[Alva plunks some pills on the boys' plates]

Stanley: Could I have another joint?

[after stealing the hot dogs]

Oliver: So when are we gonna eat?

Dodger: We?

Oliver: Yeah. I'm starvin'.

Dodger: Listen, kid. I hate to break it to ya, but the dynamic duo is now the dynamic *uno*.

Oliver: What do ya mean?

Dodger: What I mean is, our partnership is herewith dissolved.

Oliver: But, wait! Wait. You're not being fair!

Dodger: Fares are for tourists, kid. Consider it a free lesson in street savoir faire from New York's coolest quadruped.

[Georgette sees Oliver in the kitchen]

Georgette: I, um, hope you won't think me rude, but do you happen to know out of whose *bowl* you're eating?

Oliver: Yours?

Georgette: [sarcastically] Ooh! Aren't you a clever kitty?

Georgette: And do you have any idea whose *home* this is?

Oliver: I... thought it was Jenny's.

Georgette: Well, it may be Jenny's *house*, but everything from the doorknobs down is *mine*!

Rita: Cool it, you guys. It's just a cat.

Tito: Mi madre, un gato!

Francis: Felis domesticus!

Rita: How did you find this place, cat?

Oliver: I-I was following this dog.

Tito: He's lying! He's lying! He's lying!...

Rita: [Kicks Tito] Stop it, Tito.

Francis: And why would a cat follow a dog?

Einstein: Yeah!

Oliver: I just wanted some of the hot dogs I helped him get.

Tito: He's a spy, man! Come on, let's eat him! You're dead meat, kitty!

Oliver: What kind of work do we do anyway?

Tito: Investment banking, man. Didn't you read about us in the Wall Street Journal?

Oliver: Really?

Francis: [chucking] Yes. Captains of Industry.

[from trailer]

Oliver: You given any thought to who you might be voting for?

Shelley: I definitely won't listen to what Simon says, he is just so mean. I usually always agree with Paula and Randy.

Shelley: Oh, you meant the president.

Oliver: No, it's for senior citizens, you know, an old folks... for old people.

Shelley: I know lots of old men - hairy and not-hairy. But I don't mean to brag.

Oliver: This ain't a war, anymore than a war between men and maggots. Or, dragons and wolves. Or, men riding dragons, throwing wolves at maggots.

Oliver: We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.

Tom Ryan: Kikkoman. That's- That's a soy sauce.

Oliver: Right, yeah. Low sodium.

Oliver: We'll build our own tripods. Ours will have four legs.

Oliver: I'm thinkin' booze.

Gerhardt: Cocaine.

Roshanda: Pain killers.

Bobbie Jean: This is not a nice game.

Oliver: Well, it's not a very cool guy to bring you booze in rehab, huh?

Anna: Why do you leave everyone? Why did you let me go?

Oliver: Maybe because I... I don't really believe that it's gonna work, and then I make sure that it doesn't work.

Hal: Well, let's say...

Oliver: Arthur, down!

Hal: ...let's say since you were little, and... and you... you always dreamed of... of someday getting a lion, and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait, and the lion doesn't come. Then along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.

Oliver: I'd wait for the lion.

Hal: That's why I worry about you.

Anna: You can ask me anything.

Oliver: Anything? What's that there?

Anna: That's a tree.

Oliver: Yeah.

Anna: And Cars.

Oliver: Uh-huh.

Anna: Another building like this one.

Oliver: Right.

Anna: People in the building like us. Half of them think things will never work out. The other half believe in magic. It's like a war between them.

Oliver: How do you know so much about people?

Anna: Oh. Well, you have to learn how to read their faces.

Oliver: Go and have your own experiences with your own people. I-I'll be right here. I'm a human. I'm not a dog. And-and you're a Jack Russell and that's a breed. Your personality was created by this guy John Russell, who was a hunting enthusiast in the 1800's, and he bred your ancestors for their stamina and their courage for the hunt. You think you're you and you want to chase the foxes, but... other people planted that in you years ago, and now, somewhat arbitrarily, you're considered very cute by us humans, and we keep breeding you not to... not to chase foxes, but to be cute, and we put you in television shows, and movies, and... and you're chasing tennis balls because they're as close to a fox as you're gonna get.

Anna: I used to love hotels. Now I'm always in a new apartment or in another hotel somewhere.

Oliver: How do you keep hold of friends? Or boyfriends?

Anna: Makes it very easy to end up alone. To leave people.

Oliver: You can stay in the same place and still find ways to leave people.

Oliver: [writes on a billboard] You make me laugh but its not funny.

Oliver: I've always wanted to have a phone call with someone who doesn't talk.

Oliver: Why are you telling them you're turning the corner?

Hal: Well, uh...

Oliver: You, you have stage four cancer.

Hal: It's not as bad as it sounds.

Oliver: Pop - there is no stage five.

Hal: [chuckles] That's not what it means.

Oliver: Well, then what does it mean?

Hal: It just means that it's been through three other stages.

Elliot: You're thinking about her all the time.

Oliver: And you know that because...

Elliot: Because you're not talking about it. I know you.

Oliver: You re-wrote Jesus's death?

Hal: Ah, it was far too violent. We need new stories.

Oliver: [voiceover] Six months later, my father told me he was gay. He had just turned 75.

Hal: I'm gay.

Oliver: [voiceover] I always remember him wearing a purple sweater when he told me this, but actually he wore a robe.

Oliver: We didn't go to this war. We didn't have to hide to have sex. Our good fortune allowed us to feel a sadness that our parents didn't have time for and a happiness that I never saw with them.

Oliver: Well, I'm gonna have to kill you now.

Anna: Hm... why?

Oliver: Because I'm falling in love with you.

Anna: You look so unhappy.

Oliver: Well are you happy? Here?

Anna: Maybe I'm not perfect at it. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I want to be here.

Oliver: And what about the chair? Is it gay?

Hal: The chair is not gay, obviously.

Elliot: What was that?

Oliver: Historical consciousness. Something bigger than myself.

Oliver: We didn't know how we learned the stories in our heads, but sometimes they stopped running, and I can really see Anna's eyes in 2003. Her ears. Her feet. This is what it looks like when she says, 'I love you,' in 2003. This is what it looks like when she cries. When she tells me there's always a new empty room waiting for her. They used to make her feel free. Now they make her feel the opposite of free.

Oliver: Okay. You point - I'll drive.

Oliver: [returning from Andy] I couldn't tell him.

Hal: That's okay.

Oliver: No, it's not. You can't hide this from him. He loves you.

Hal: For someone with so much relationship advice, you seem awfully alone.

Oliver: I don't know, Anna. I don't think this is what I'm supposed to feel like.

Oliver: What did you do with my father? He was so polite.

Hal: Well, I invited him but he never returns my calls.

Brother Geraghty: [Oliver's new Catholic school classmates welcome him, albeit unenthusiastically] Maybe as a 'thank you', you could lead us all in morning prayer.

Oliver: [as the class members bow their heads, he whispers apologetically to the teacher] I think... I think I'm Jewish.

Brother Geraghty: [to Oliver] OK, good to know.

Brother Geraghty: [addressing the whole class] Oliver thinks he's Jewish.

random members of the class: So am I... I'm Buddhist... There is no God...

[now everyone speaks at once, sharing their religious preferences]

Brother Geraghty: Yes, you get the idea. We celebrate all the religions of the world in this room, Oliver. I'm a Catholic, which is the best of all the religions, really, because we have the most rules. And the best clothes. But among us, there is also a Buddhist, agnostic, we have a Baptist, and we have a "I don't know", which seems to be the fastest growing religion in the world. And now, we have "I think I'm Jewish", which is a new one for the class, Oliver, so thanks for that.

Vincent: You never seen Abbott and Costello?

Oliver: No, sir. Are they old?

Vincent: No. They're dead. That's the oldest you can be.

Oliver: Or the youngest. Time freezes when you're dead.

Oliver: What's Vin like when I'm not around?

Daka: [with Russian accent] He don't like people. People don't like him. Except cat, and you. Why you like him?

Oliver: He's paying me hourly.

Vincent: I'm showing him how the world works. You work, you get paid, you drink.

Maggie: You're drinking alcohol?

Vincent: ...I honestly don't remember.

Vincent: You need to defend yourself, or you get mowed down.

Oliver: I'm small, if you haven't noticed.

Vincent: Yeah, so was Hitler.

Oliver: That's a horrible comparison.

Vincent: Indeed. Making a point, though.

Oliver: Is that our new neighbor?

Maggie: Yep.

Oliver: It's gonna be a long life.

Vincent: A lady of the night.

Oliver: What's that?

Vincent: It's one of the more honest ways to make a living.

Maggie: [about Oliver's book] God, that's depressing.

Oliver: No, it's not. The tree was meant to give, so to be able to give everything and have nothing left is the best life the tree could ever have.

Maggie: Well, your father must think I'm a tree.

Oliver: Why would he think that?

Maggie: Nothing. Nothing.

Ocinski: Hey, uh, your dad the one that taught you how to fight?

Oliver: No, my babysitter.

Oliver: Sorry, Vin, for your loss.

Vincent: Never understood... wh-wh-why people say that.

Oliver: They don't know what else to say.

Vincent: How about, "What was she like?" "Do you miss her?" Or "What are you gonna do now?"

Judge Reynolds: [at a custody hearing, the judge is asking questions about Oliver's activities with Vin that his mother was unaware of] Daka Paramova... are you aware of her occupation?

Maggie: [whispering, to her attorney] She, she works for Vince.

Maggie: [to Oliver] She works for Vince, right?

Oliver: [whispering to his mother] She's the lady of the night.

Maggie: [astonished, still whispering] What? Do you know what that means?

Oliver: [with total naïveté, trying to be helpful] She works at night?

Maggie: [later, leaving the courthouse, Mom is livid] I guess gambling in a race track is like a Math class, huh? You can learn how to bet?

Oliver: The odds.

Maggie: A bar, I guess that could fall under Current Events, right?

Oliver: [still with complete sincerity and naïveté] More like Social Studies?

Maggie: It's a strip club hooker that I can seem to get my head around.

Oliver: Commerce? Biology?

Maggie: Just stop talking.

Vincent: You got any money?

Oliver: Yes sir, $7.

Vincent: What is that, lunch money?

Oliver: Yes sir.

Vincent: Well, you might as well the hard way.

Maggie: I thought you ate at Vincent's house.

Oliver: I had sushi.

Maggie: You had sushi?

Oliver: Well, sardines. He calls it sushi. Didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Igby: Oliver is majoring in neo-fascism at Colombia.

Oliver: Economics.

Igby: Semantics.

Igby: It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.

Oliver: You beat up her corpse.

Igby: I know, but after that.

D.H. Banes: I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way.

Igby: To where?

D.H. Banes: Success.

Oliver: Our father would be a 'slippery when schizophrenic' sign, for instance...

[pause]

Oliver: ... along the highway of life.

Oliver: [to Igby] I think if Gandhi had had to hang out with you for any prolonged period of time, he'd have ended up kicking the shit out of you.

Rachel: So are you two in school or something?

Oliver: I'm at Columbia and as far as this year's challenge for Igby, we're still waiting to hear back from this fun parochial school in D.C.

Igby: "Perchance to dream."

Oliver: He's already done the Protestant circuit. Mom must have some compromising photos of the head priest with an altar boy for them to even be considering Igby.

Oliver: So we started calling him Igby whenever he lied. And he lied a lot.

Igby: Listen, I've got this discount fare and it'd be kinda hypocritical of me, ya know, you'll handle it like everything else right?

Oliver: Right

Igby: You should hate me

Oliver: I don't

Igby: You should

Oliver: I don't hate you, don't be indulgent

Igby: Never that

Oliver: You're going to California?

Igby: Yup, the sunshine state.

Oliver: Actually, Florida is the sunshine state.

Igby: Really, well 3000 miles from fucking here.

Oliver: Is there a number where we can reach you?

Igby: We? No.

Oliver: Well you call when there is, There really isn't that much between us is there?

Igby: Just an ever diminishing amount of blood.

[first lines]

Igby: Why couldn't she have been a fucking smoker.

Oliver: This has nothing to do with her being in such wonderful shape. The cause of our trouble was our inability to come up with a drug short of paint thinner, that would be at least somewhat novel to her system. She's built up a tolerance to everything.

Igby: A tolerance? She's taking her fucking afternoon nap.

Chooch: What does Leisman want more than anything else?

Hash: My balls!

Ike: My soul!

Oliver: My ass!

Oliver: A lot of weather we've been having lately!

Oliver: Well, fan my brow! I'm from the South!

Mary Roberts: You are?

Stan: Well, shut my mouth! I'm from the South too!

Oliver: The South of what, sir?

Stan: The South of London.

Stan: Your hat's dry.

Oliver: Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.

Stan: Did I?

Oliver: Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.

Stan: Oh, now you're taking me literally.

Oliver: Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.

[Puts hat in his lap]

Oliver: Eat the hat.

Stan: Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?

Oliver: Whoever heard of anybody doing *that*.

[Immitates Stan's thumb lighter gimmick]

Oliver: Eat the hat!

Stan: [Gives it back] I won't do it.

Oliver: [Slams it back in his lap] If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!

Stan: Would you really do that?

Oliver: I certainly would.

[Stan says something incoherant due to him crying]

Oliver: [Showing no sympathy] Eat it.

Oliver: This is another nice mess you've gotten me into!

Sheriff: [having just gotten a tearful earful from his distraught wife about The Boys' having romantically harassed her on the coach] Fiddlin', huh?

Oliver: [absent-mindedly nods in agreement, then hastily shakes his head rapidly and forcefully, realizing that he should not be admitting to any wrongdoing]

Sheriff: Well... we don't like your kind around these parts! And there's one thing in this here town - - we DON'T allow! And that's messing with our women! Now, if you want to stay healthy, you'll catch the next coach out of town.

Oliver: Yes, sir. We'll be right on our way just as soon as we finish up with our business.

Sheriff: And if you MISS the next coach...

Sheriff: [draws revolver]

Sheriff: You'll be riding out of here in a HEARSE!

Sheriff: [slides the gun back into his holster with an angry shove] G'day, strangers!

[walks away huffily]

Stan: [with an innocently cheerful friendly wave after the departing sheriff, showing that he fails to grasp the gravity of the situation] Goodbye...!

Oliver: [hastiy shushing him] Let well enough alone!

Mickey Finn: [from the staircase] Hey! If you come upstairs, I'll introduce you to Mary Roberts.

Oliver: Right away, sir.

Mary Roberts: [enters from the kitchen] Did you call me, Mr. Finn?

Mickey Finn: [runs down the stairs] Ohhh! Get back into the kitchen where you belong! Go ahead now, don't bother me!

[goes up the stairs to his residence]

Mickey Finn: This way gentlemen, come right this way.

[stumbles on the staircase]

Stan: [Ollie lays his clothes on the bed, Stan sits down] Say Ollie?

Oliver: What?

Stan: Now that you've got your clothes off, why don't you take a bath?,

Oliver: Would you mind leaving the room? Can't I ever have a little privacy?

Stan: I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.

Mickey Finn: [in the living room] And I'll take care of those two bozos and get them out of town.

Lola Marcel: [Stan opens the door and overhears Lola talking to Mickey] Don't worry, leave everything to me. I've done pretty good up to now, haven't I?

Stan: You certainly have, I wish you were in my shoes.

Mickey Finn: Eh-hrm, oh how about a drink on the house?

Oliver: That suits me fine.

Stan: How'd you get dressed so quick?

Oliver: None of your business.

[Finn goes to open his front door]

Oliver: Goodbye Miss Roberts, and thanks for the use of your boudoir.

Lola Marcel: You're very welcome.

Stan: Goodbye. Now that you've got the mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.

[Ollie pushes Stan out the door as Finn leaves the room]

Lola Marcel: [Lola examines the deed as Finn re-enters the room a moment later, hiding the deed behind her back] What did you leave them for?

Mickey Finn: I'll send her right up, you have her sign that deed over to us.

Lola Marcel: Oh, don't worry about me, get those guys out of town, and pronto!

Mickey Finn: All right!

[Finn goes down to the saloon]

Lola Marcel: What a cinch!

Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys: On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine

Oliver: Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Stan, Oliver: Oo, oo, oo

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /

[Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited): [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine

[song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]

Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys: On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine

Oliver: Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Oliver: Oo-oo-oo

Stan, Oliver: In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /

[Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]

Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited): / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you

Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited): [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine

[song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]

Stan: Now that you've got your clothes off, why don't you take a bath.

Oliver: Would you mind leaving the room. Can't I ever have a little privacy?

Oliver: Well, I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.

The Mule: Shhhhh!

Oliver: Shhhhh!

Stan: Shhhhh!

[Stan and Ollie have just heard that they will be executed the next day]

Oliver: Shot at sunrise!

Stanley: I hope it's cloudy tomorrow!

Oliver: Stanley, a miracle has happened. I've completely forgotten.

Stanley: You mean you've forgotten Georgette?

Oliver: Who's Georgette?

Stanley: That's swell, now we can go home.

Stanley: [watching a pair of airplanes doing acrobatics] I wonder what keeps them up?

Oliver: I don't know. But I do know what keeps me DOWN!

[firmly and deliberately taps his shoe on the pavement in front of him to indicate how safe and solid it is and how he never intends to let his feet leave the ground]

Stanley: Yes, sir - good old Terracotta Firma for me!

Oliver: Hey Stan... oh, Stan... over here...

Stanley: [Stan does a take - sees a horse in a pasture with Oliver's hat and mustache] Ollie... is it really you?

Oliver: [as horse] Of course it's me. Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Stanley: Gee I'm glad to see you!

[scene fades, end of film]

Oliver: Just how much do we get paid for all this?

Commandant: One hundred centimes a day.

Stanley: That's not bad...

Oliver: How much is that in American money?

Commandant: American money? About three cents a day. Of course, it varies with the exchange rate.

Oliver: If you think you're going to get that kind of work outta *me* for three cents a day, brother, you're *crazy*.

Commandant: Is that right?

Stanley: That's right because we don't work for less than twenty-five cents a day! Do we, Ollie?

Oliver: If I could have spelled raspberry, I would have told him a lot more!

Stan: I've certainly got to hand it to you, Ollie.

Oliver: For what?

Stan: Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.

[Ollie looks at the camera, unamused]

Stan: Then, on the other hand...

Oliver: Get in bed.

Stan: What?

Oliver: Get in bed. "Meticulous." Hmph.

Oliver: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Oliver: Now why did you hire a veterinarian?

Stan: I didn't think his religion would make any difference.

Oliver: Now isn't this nice?

Stan: It sure is. We're just like two peas in a pot.

Oliver: To catch a Hardy they've got to get up very early in the morning.

Stan: What time?

Oliver: Oh about half past - "What time." Hmph.

Oliver: Where is she?

Stan: Maybe she went to the mountains.

Oliver: I'll bet she did. You know she makes me sick.

Stan: Well if she didn't go to the mountains, then Mohammad would have to come here.

Lottie: Have you anything else to say?

Oliver: Why no. That's all there is. There isn't anymore. Is there Stanley?

Stan: No, that's our story and we're stuck with it. In it.

Oliver: You'd better take my temperature.

[pointing]

Oliver: Get that thermometer.

Stan: The what?

Oliver: Thermometer! You'll find it on the shelf.

[groaning]

Oliver: Ooh... ooh... ooh.

Oliver: [as Stan puts it in his mouth] Uh-um.

Oliver: [after Stan has taken his pulse] What does it say?

Stan: Wet and windy.

[on the telephone]

Lottie: Charley tells me you're from Los Angeles. What part?

Oliver: All of me.

Betty: Stanley, is Oliver telling the truth?

Oliver: Go ahead and tell her.

[He mimes smoking a cigarette]

Betty: Is he?

Stan: [cries] No, we didn't go to Honolulu, we went to the convention...

[cries overtake his dialog... Oliver stares at the camera]

Oliver: That settles it! I'm not goin' to Honolulu!

Lottie: [angrily] Oh, yes, you ARE going to Honolulu if you have to go alone!

Oliver: If I have to go to Honolulu alone,

[points to Stan]

Oliver: he's going with me!

Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?

Stan: If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

Oliver: What did Betty say?

Stan: Betty said that honesty was the best politics.

Oliver: Why didn't you want to take the oath?

Stan: I was afraid.

Oliver: Of what?

Stan: I was afraid that if I took the oath, that my wife wouldn't let me go. And the Exhausted Ruler said that if... you took an oath, it would have to be broken for... generations and... centuries of... hundreds of years and my wife would let...

Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?

Stan: Well if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

Oliver: Why don't you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and *then* tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own castle.

Oliver: I go places and do things, and then *then* tell my wife.

Stan: I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants. I'd like to see my old woman throwing things. It's disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. If my old ball and chain ever talked to me... If she even dared... You know what I'd say?

Oliver: What?

Stan: I'd say...

[Sees Betty]

Stan: Hello, honey. I...

[Double takes]

Oliver: Never mind what she said. What did Betty say?

Stan: Honesty is the best politics.

Oliver: Forget this "go to college" crap!

[in tavern]

Oliver: [to waiter while tapping a cane on table that Laurel & Hardy gypsied off a guy] Come, come, my man!

[suddenly the top of the cane pops off and about two dozen gold coins spill out onto the table]

Oliver: [Laurel & Hardy double take on this]

Oliver: [smiling] Its a good thing we got his cane.

Stanley: [was singing in high, feminine voice] Hello, Ollie.

Oliver: Why, you know that you've got a nice voice.

Stanley: Oh, I had a much nicer voice when I ran a nail through it. I rememb...

Oliver: [sarcastically] You ran a nail through it. Let me hear you sing that again.

Oliver: Arline, haven't you forgotten something?

[he kisses his finger and touches his cheek - Arline kisses him]

Oliver: [later] Stanley, haven't you forgotten something?

[Stan smiles, kisses Ollie's cheek]

Oliver: Hello, honey.

Ollie's Wife: Don't honey me, you big bag of suet! I told you five minutes ago not to talk to me. I told you an hour ago. I told you a week ago!

Stanley: Yeah, and you told him a year ago too. Didn't you?

Stanley: You know what?

Oliver: What?

Stanley: I'm not going to say anything until I get positive proof, but I just saw Devilshoof kissing your wife.

Oliver: Ha-ha. Ridiculous!

Stanley: Do you believe me or believe what I see?

Oliver: Nothing of the kind.

Oliver: Don't you understand that a man to be married nowadays, must be broad-minded.

Stanley: Did you see him chuck her under the chin?

Oliver: Well, what of it?

Stanley: If she was my wife, I'd chuck her under the wagon. I wouldn't stand for...

Oliver: What are you trying to do? Cause a riff in my matrimonial bonds?

Waiter: Yes, sir.

Oliver: Bring us two tankards of your rarest vintage.

Waiter: Yes, sir.

Stanley: Yeah, and put a wallop in it.

Oliver: Give me part of that banana.

Stanley: Huh?

Oliver: Give me part of the banana.

[Stan hands him the peel]

Ollie's Wife: What?

Oliver: Who's kid is that?

Ollie's Wife: It's none of your business.

Oliver: What do you mean it's none of my business? I demand to know who she is!

Ollie's Wife: Well, if you must know, she's yours!

Oliver: Mine?

[smiles]

Oliver: Well, why didn't you tell me before?

Ollie's Wife: Because I didn't want her to know who her father was, till she was old enough to stand the shock.

Oliver: Darling, meet your Uncle Stanley.

Arline as a Child: How do you do, Uncle Stanley?

[curtsy's]

Stanley: I'm pleased to meet you.

[curtsy's]

Stanley: Well, Oliver, I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father.

Oliver: Aren't you ashamed of yourself. After all I've done for you. I took you out of the gutter and gave you a career. Made a first class pickpocket out of you. And this is your gratitude? It hurts, Stanley. I tell you, it hurts.

Oliver: Well, come on, let's go to bed.

Arline as a Child: Not before I say my prayers.

Oliver: Oh, all right.

Arline as a Child: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord, my soul to keep, if - if - if? What's next?

Oliver: [Stanley whispers in Ollie's ear] If at first you don't succeed, try, try - try again.

Arline as a Child: If you first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. Amen.

Oliver: Of all the greedy things. What did you want to eat all the breakfast for?

Stanley: Well, I didn't want it to go cold.

Oliver: Stan, Arline's in terrible danger! She's been captured by the soldiers and thrown into the dungeon. Come on, we've got to go to her rescue!

[Stan hiccups]

Oliver: You are guzzled.

Stanley: Oh, phhhhh! Nothing of the - kind.

Oliver: You would do this just when I need you most. Come on, pull yourself together! We've got to go and help her. Go on. Get!

Oliver: [as a giant] Well, Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into! Hmm!

Stanley: [as a dwarf]

[Whining]

Stanley: But I couldn't help it! You've always picked on me!

Stan: Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?

Oliver: Of course not. What's all right with me is okay with her.

Stan: I know, but a lot of dames are particular.

Oliver: Well yes, but... What do you mean calling my wife a dame?

Oliver: [running into the apartment from the hallway] It's my wife! You've got to hide!

Mrs. 'Toots' Gilbert: Oh, I can explain.

Oliver: Not in my pajamas you can't explain; you don't *know* my wife!

Stan: You remember how dumb I used to be?

Oliver: Yeah?

Stan: Well, I'm better now.

Oliver: But, Dear, I haven't seen Stan in 20 years.

Mrs. Hardy: I couldn't see him in a hundred years.

Stan: How long did you say it would take us to get up there?

Oliver: Oh, just a jiffy.

Stan: How far is a jiffy?

Oliver: About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.

Stan: I didn't think it was so far.

Oliver: [Ollie's house key, attached to his pants, is stuck in the lock, so to free Ollie, he had to remove his pants; Stan easily removes the key from the lock] Why didn't you tell me you had the key out of the lock?

Stan: Well, you didn't ask me.

Oliver: "You didn't ask me".

Stan: Gee, that's pretty underwear.

Oliver: Don't get personal.

Oliver: Ha ha ha! Come see my grandfather. My grandfather left. He said, "Hello, sugar!"

James, porter: [Responding after Hardy asks if there's anything in the newspaper] Here's a story about a fella who spent twenty years in the trenches and didn't know the war was over.

Oliver: [laughing] Really?

James, porter: Yeah; here's his picture

[shows Hardy the paper]

Oliver: [Looking at a photo of the grinning soldier] I can't imagine anybody being that dumb.

Oliver: [Realizes the grinning soldier is Stan; does a massive take and grabs the paper back from Morton; looks directly into the camera] Oh, yes I can.

Stan: No, you see, everybody thought I was dead. Didn't they?

Oliver: Um, hmm.

Lulu: How did you find out you weren't?

Oliver: But, Toots, Stan is different.

Mrs. Hardy: I'll say he's different!

Stan: What's a knick-knack?

Oliver: Oh a knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.

Oliver: Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?

Stan: Well, you didn't ask me... I've always had 'em...

Oliver: [sarcastically] You're better now...

Schoolteacher: You spell "Needle"!

Oliver: [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.

Schoolteacher: There is no "I" in needle!

Stanley: Then it's a rotten needle.

Desk Sergeant: What's your name?

Stanley: Stanley Laurel.

Desk Sergeant: Say "sir" when you're addressing me. Now what's your name?

Stanley: Sir Stanley Laurel. Ffffff!

Oliver: He can't help that sir, Its a loose tooth, sir.

Desk Sergeant: Yeah, well, we'll be seein' to that. What's your name?

Oliver: Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.

Desk Sergeant: [Looking over his paperwork] A couple of beer barons, eh?

Oliver: We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.

Prison Guard: You're not going to eat?

Stanley: No, we're on a hunger strike.

Oliver: Imfatically.

Prison Guard: What? You're going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.

Stanley: Any nuts?

Prison Guard: All you can eat of 'em.

Stanley: How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?

Oliver: Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.

Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!

Stanley: [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?

Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!

Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]

[sadly]

Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?

Stanley: Yes, sir.

[tooth buzzes]

Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!

Oliver: It was his tooth...

Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!

Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.

Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.

[shouts]

Warden: Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.

Oliver: When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.

Insurgent Convict: Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!

Oliver: Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.

Oliver: [Stan and Ollie disguised in black face] They'll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you've hit up on a good idea.

Stanley: A practical idea.

Oliver: What about the tooth? The buzzer.

Stanley: Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.

Oliver: You what?

Stanley: I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.

Oliver: You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.

Stanley: What do you mean associa...

Oliver: Tut tut tut tut tut.

Stanley: Tut tut tut tut?

[last lines]

Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state's gesture in showing it's appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.

[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]

Oliver: Thank you, sir.

Warden: Now go, begin life a new. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don't forget that I'm your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.

Oliver: Thank you.

[to Stan]

Oliver: We'll start all over again.

Stanley: We certainly will.

[to Warden]

Stanley: Can we take your order for a couple of cases?

[tooth buzzes]

Warden: Why you...!

[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; "THE END" appears on screen]

Oliver: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

Stanley: What do you mean - I got you into?

Oliver: Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn't you?

Stanley: I didn't know he was a policeman. I thought he was a streetcar conductor.

Oliver: [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won't even feel it.

Stanley: You won't feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?

Oliver: Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.

[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]

Oliver: You know, there are times when you try my patience. There's nothing do it. It's all in your mind. Now just sit back and... Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn't even feel it.

[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie's teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]

Oliver: Why didn't you tell him?

Stanley: I thought you were laughing.

Schoolteacher: How many times does three go into nine?

Stanley: ...Three times.

Schoolteacher: Correct.

Stanley: And two left over.

Schoolteacher: [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?

Oliver: There's only one left over.

Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Prison Guard: [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.

Stanley: Have you got the time?

[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]

Stanley: Ollie?

Oliver: What?

Stanley: I wonder how long we're going to be in here.

Oliver: Oh, about two months I guess.

Stanley: Gee, that's a month apiece.

Oliver: [singing] Now, she's to meet me in the lane tonight, if the sky is bright and clear, Oh moon don't keep me waiting here tonight. Watching and waiting, heart a palpitating, Longing for my little lady love. Lazy moon, lazy moon, Why don't you show your face above the hill, Lazy moon, come out soon, You can make me happy if you will. Now, when my lady sees your face a peeping, then I know I promise you be keeping, Tell me what's the matter are you sleeping, Lazy moon.

Oliver: Haven't we had bad luck enough without you spilling the salt. Make a wish and throw some over your left shoulder.

Oliver: I want to retire in South America. I hear that's where the drugs come from.

Oliver: So Eric tells me you like Viking films. Viking movies.

Zed: Yeah... I guess.

Oliver: I love that stuff. Those helmets with the fucking horns on!

Oliver: [stumbling into basement room] Ox! Where is thy yoke?

[collapses, dead]

Hana: The war's over - you told me yourself. How can it be desertion?

Oliver: It's not over everywhere. I didn't mean literally.

Hana: [looking at Almasy] When he dies I'll catch up.

Oliver: [looking over the small cache of provisions] It's not safe here. The whole country's crawling with Bandits and Germans and God knows what. It's madness. I can't allow it. You're not alright, this is natural. It's shock. For all of us. Hana?

Hana: [bent] I need morphine. A lot. And a pistol.

Oliver: [clutching at straws, about Almasy] And what if he really is a spy?

Hana: [impatient] He can't even move!

Oliver: If anything happened to you I'd never forgive myself.

[as Hana nods and smiles]

Oliver: ... We're heading for Leghorn. Livorno the Italians call it. We'll expect you.

Oliver: Wow, from here it kinda looks like you're wearing a stryper t-shirt.

Bliss Cavendar: stryper? Yeah, 80's christian heavy metal. I mean in the name of jesus we rock.

Bliss Cavendar: Is this what you do with all the girls? Take them here to show off your skills?

Oliver: Yeah, and it usually works too.

Bliss Cavendar: Oh yeah? Maybe we should do something different.

Oliver: [Before Barbara enters the black salamander room and upon meeting the mysterious Oliver for the first time] Do you like bullfights?

Bárbara: No, not much, truthfully.

Oliver: I don't like them much either, but it is odd that Spain is specifically the country in which bullfighting is most popular. Do you know why Spain is a country in eternal conflict? Because we cannot decide whether we are a rational country or an emotional one. The Nordic countries, for example, are cerebral countries. However, the Arabs or the Latinos, have accepted their passionate side without complex nor guilt. They all know which side dominates. We Spaniards are on a balance that is suspended precisely in the middle. That is how us Spaniards are... like the bullfights. And what are bullfights? The representation of the struggle between instinct and technique, between emotion and reason. We must accept our instincts and to learn to struggle with them as if they were a bull, so that they do not destroy us. This is exactly what we offer our clients. Could you remove your clothes, please?

[Barbara undresses completely]

Isabella: Oh Beauty, what would we ever do without you?

Beauty: The question is what would I do without you? Without you, I'd have all this lovely time just to devote to myself. Someday... someday.

Oliver: If you had time for your self, Beauty, you wouldn't know what to do with it.

Beauty: [Insulted] I wouldn't?

Oliver: No, you're much too unselfish to enjoy it.

Janey: This fish has got big floppy lips. Floppy lips. Fishy kissy fishy lips.

[Oliver edges away]

Janey: Don't forget your hatred of lentils.

Oliver: I'm sorry?

Janey: Putting the noodles and the dumplings together was a bad idea. They'll fight!

[Oliver runs off]

Janey: Don't leave the duck there! It's totaly irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have more fun.

[a thoughtful pause before Janey quacks]

Alex: Do you want to go?

Oliver: Well, I've seen my share of ghosts...

Oliver: You're a kid in a costume. What are you going to do?

Daryl: [grabs chainsaw] I'm going to get Claire.

Stan: I see a monkey.

Oliver: A what?

Stan: A monkey.

Oliver: Well it doesn't surprise me a bit.If you don't quit drinking that brandy,you'll be seeing pink elephants.

Cheese Factory Propietor: Now I've an idea.

Stan, Oliver: You've an idea?

Cheese Factory Propietor: I'll buy the whole business for five thousand cool.

Oliver: Why for you're being so generous, we'll throw in our mule.

Stan: You can't do that, Ollie, don't be such a fool.

Oliver: It's my idea!

Cheese Factory Propietor: It's a splendid idea.

Oliver: It's just an idea of my own.

Cheese Factory Propietor, Stan, Oliver: It's just an idea. A splendid idea. It's just an idea of my own.

[Stan harmonizes in a baritone voice]

Stan: I see a monkey.

Oliver: That doesn't surprise me a bit

Oliver: I thought you told me I had her in the palm of my hand.

Stan: Well you did, but you didn't play your cards right.

Stanley Laurel: [alarmed, after noticing that McCoy has signed into the hotel guest book with an "X."] He's forging my name!

Oliver: Shhhh!

Oliver: That bull wouldn't hirt a fly!

Stanley Laurel: Yeah, but I'm not a fly!

Oliver: [to Stanley] Now always remember, anytime you get in trouble you can depend upon me to get you out of it.

Stanley Laurel: Maybe you'd better go up to him and apologize. That's a terrible thing to do to a fella.

Oliver: I'd better go up to him and apologize? You're the one who so falsely accused him! Why if you had any spark of manhood left in you right now, you'd go right up to him and apologize.

Stanley Laurel: Well okay, I'll go to...

Hot Shot Coleman: Excuse me, if you'll take my advice, you'll never cross his path again. Because he told me if he ever saw you again he was going to skin you alive. "First the little one, then the big one," he said. "I'LL SKIN THEM BOTH ALIVE!" If you are smart enough, You should get out of town now! Richard K. Muldoon is like an elephant, He never forgets!

Oliver: [as a skeleton] Well, Here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!

Stanley Laurel: [as a skeleton, whining] But I couldn't help it! You always picked on me!

Oliver: Come on, Let's go back to peoria where we belong.

Hippo: What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?

Stan: Maybe you were good to your mother.

Hippo: Pipe down!

Stan: Yes, sir.

Hippo: Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.

Stan: Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?

Oliver: Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".

Carol: I thought you fell asleep.

Oliver: I did fall asleep. I did. Last night, and this morning. Does that mean something bad?

Carol: That means you're immune, baby. It means you're immune.

Oliver: Where have you been all day?

Stan: I went all the way to Poughkipsee...

Oliver: Poughkipsee?

Stan: ...yeah, and that ain't them.

[shows Ollie a box of Smith Brothers cough drops]

Oliver: This is your son's baby.

Eddie "Steamboat": Oh, blackmailers, huh?

[punches Ollie in the face]

Oliver: What do we do with this stuff?

Cook: What do you think you do with it? Take it to the General.

Oliver: Hey, how much would you charge me to haunt a house?

Oliver: Well, looks like we're in it. Gee, I wish I could go.

Stan: Go where?

Oliver: Why to war!

Stan: Why can't ya go?

Oliver: There you are, I knew you'd take that selfish attitude. I'd go in a minute if it wasn't for my flat feet!

Oliver: Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Stan: It was so dark, I didn't think you would hear me.

Oliver: [to drill sergeant, after another troop has marched by in perfect unison] Why don't you have *us* do like that?

Mr. Smith: [pointing out the window to the lunch wagon] And is that part of your business?

Oliver: Part of it? Why, that's *all* of it.

Mr. Smith: [laughs uproariously] To lend you money on that, I'd have to be unconscious!