Officer Michaels Quotes in Superbad (2007)

Officer Michaels: Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!

Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?

Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

Mindy: Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.

Officer Slater: So, how how, how...

Officer Michaels: Say when, height wise...

Officer Slater: I'm gonna start up here.

Officer Michaels: I'm gonna start from the buttom...

Mindy: Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.

Officer Slater: E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...

Mindy: A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?

Officer Slater: No, I would say...

Officer Michaels: Was he...

Officer Slater: Was he African?

Mindy: Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.

Officer Michaels: He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...

Mindy: No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?

Officer Michaels: No, I look like a cop.

Mindy: He was caucasian.

Officer Michaels: Caucasian...

Officer Slater: Oh...

Mindy: Kinda looked like Eminem.

Officer Michaels: Ah, an M&M...

Officer Slater: M&M, so he was like circular...

Mindy: Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.

Officer Michaels: He looked like this? I'm a amateur.

Officer Slater: 'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.

Officer Michaels: Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?

Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?

Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".

Officer Michaels: How old are you McLovin?

Fogell: Old enough.

Fogell: Old enough for what?

Fogell: To party.

Officer Michaels: Ah, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.

Officer Michaels: Shit! The cops!

Officer Michaels: Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law.

Officer Slater: Hey kid, what's your real name?

Fogell: Fogell... it's Fogell.

Officer Michaels: Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!

Officer Michaels: We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.

Officer Michaels: I'm assuming you all have guns and crack!

Officer Michaels: You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!

Officer Slater: Yup

Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...

Officer Slater: Hell, yeah!

Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.

Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.

Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat.

Officer Slater: Smell it out. ANything

Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...

Officer Slater: No way,

Officer Michaels: Just punched you in the face. No semen.

Officer Slater: Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.

Officer Michaels: Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.

Officer Slater: I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...

Officer Michaels: It's true

Officer Slater: I would make semen snowballs...

Officer Michaels: It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.

Officer Slater: Yeah, no crime.

Officer Michaels: Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.

Officer Slater: I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."

Officer Michaels: Four ounces.

Officer Slater: I know that, four ounces into your hand.

Officer Michaels: One time we found semen, one time.

Fogell: I thought you said you never found semen.

Officer Slater: One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.

[from trailer]

Officer Michaels: McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Officer Michaels: Great name.

Officer Slater: It is, it just rolls of the tongue.

Officer Michaels: 'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!

Officer Michaels: [Vomiting after chasing Eva] It's just beer! It's just beer!

Officer Slater: C'mon man up. What happened?

Officer Michaels: [Without breath] He's a freakin' kid! He's the fastest kid alive!

Officer Slater: This is not good!

Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive!

Officer Slater: Fastest kid alive my ass! What we're gonna do?

Officer Michaels: [hears a siren] Oh shit, the cops!

Officer Michaels: You just cock-blocked McLovin!

Officer Michaels: It was my semen. One time we walk into a murder house, blood everywhere, I go on, I think I find a bit of semen, clean it off. Long story short. Cream of wheat.

Officer Slater: Yup. Dope.

Officer Michaels: In short.

Officer Slater: In short.

Officer Michaels: Semen.

Officer Slater: Semen. Not, like, a man. I'm talking about the white stuff that comes out of your penis, when you're excited and happy. Your happy juice.

Officer Michaels: Your happy jism.

Officer Slater: I take it you've masturbated before, McLovin. Listen to me...

Fogell: Can a man...

Officer Slater: So when's the last time you masturbated, McLovin?

Fogell: Do a semen run.

Officer Michaels: Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.

Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...

[panting]

Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...