Officer Hanson Quotes in Howard the Duck (1986)

[Howard has escaped]

Lieutenant Welker: How the hell am I gonna explain a manhunt for a duck?

Officer Hanson: It's a duck hunt.

Lieutenant Welker: Ah, yes, please don't, don't, don't start, please, please...

Lieutenant Welker: [to Howard] You are gonna go play sitting duck in a jail cell.

Officer Hanson: Lieutenant - what's the charge, sir?

Lieutenant Welker: Illegal alien!

[Prof. Brainard has repeatedly slammed his Flubberized Model T down on Prof. Ashton's car roof while in motion, causing to go out of control and crash into a police car]

Prof. Shelby Ashton: [as he and the two officers get out of their crashed cars] Officer! Help me! It's after me! Help me!

Officer Hanson: [his face and suit covered in hot coffee thanks to the crash] I do hope that you will excuse my appearance, but I was just having a cup of *boiling hot coffee*.

Prof. Shelby Ashton: But it's after me!

Officer Hanson: What's after you?

Prof. Shelby Ashton: I don't know, some kind of a... thing!

Officer Hanson: A thing? Can you describe it?

Prof. Shelby Ashton: I don't know. I didn't see it. But it flies. And it made a noise, like, uh, "Aaa-OOO-gah! Aaa-OOO-gah!" And then it banged down on the top of my car! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! And when I looked, there wasn't anything there!

Officer Hanson: Oh, that kind of a thing.

[Peter notices a St. Christopher statue in Hanson's car and starts laughing]

Officer Hanson: Something else funny?

Peter: Oh, yeah.

Officer Hanson: Yeah? What's that?

Peter: People, man. People.

Officer Hanson: People like me?

Peter: No, no, no, no. I'm not laughin' at you, man.

Officer Hanson: I can see that. Why don't you laugh outside?

Peter: Why are you gettin' all bent outta shape?

Officer Hanson: I'm not gettin' bent, man. Just pulling over.

[Hanson pulls over his car to the side of the road]

Peter: Come on, man, keep drivin'. I said I'm not laughing at you.

Officer Hanson: And I'm not telling you to get the fuck out of my car.

Peter: Why you bein' a fucking jerk, man? Just drive the car.

Officer Hanson: I've got a better idea. Get out, now.

Peter: Fine. You want me to show you? I'll show you.

[Peter puts his hand in his pocket]

Officer Hanson: Get your hands out of your pocket. Put your hands where I can see 'em!

Peter: Who the fuck you think you're talkin' to?

Officer Hanson: Put your hands where I can see them!

Peter: You wanna see what's in my hands? Here, I'll show you what's in my fuckin' hands!

[Peter puts his hand back in his pocket, Hanson grabs his gun and shoots Peter. As Peter dies, his hand opens up to reveal a St. Christopher statue]

Officer Hanson: I don't want to cause any problems lieutenant, I just want a new partner.

Lt. Dixon: I understand, your partner is a racist prick, but you don't want to disturb any bad feelings for him.

Officer Hanson: Well, he's been on the force for a long time.

Lt. Dixon: Seventeen years.

Officer Hanson: And I do have to work here, Sir.

Lt. Dixon: So, you don't mind if there's a racist prick on the force, you just don't want him riding in your car?

Officer Hanson: If you need me to go on record about this, I will.

Lt. Dixon: That'd be great, write a full report. But I'm anxious to understand how an obvious bigot can go undetected for seventeen years, eleven of which he was under my personal supervision, which doesn't speak too highly of my managerial skills, but that's not your concern. I can't wait to read it.

Officer Hanson: What if i said I wanted a new partner for personal reasons?

Lt. Dixon: So now you're saying he's not a racist prick, you just don't like him?

Officer Hanson: Yes, Sir.

Lt. Dixon: That's not a good enough reason.

Officer Hanson: Then I should think of a better one and get back to you.

Lt. Dixon: So, you think I'm asking you to make one up?

Officer Hanson: No, Sir. I just can't think of one right now.

Lt. Dixon: You want to know what I heard? I heard it was a case of uncontrollable flatulence.

Officer Hanson: You want me to say he has flatulence?

Lt. Dixon: Not him, you. You have uncontrollable flatulence and your too embarrassed to ride with anyone else. That's why your requesting a one man car.

Officer Hanson: I'm not comfortable with that, lieutenant.

Lt. Dixon: I wouldn't be either, which is why I understand your need for privacy, just like I'm sure you understand how hard a black man must work to get to stay where I am in a racist organization like the LAPD, and how easily that can be taken away. That being said, it's your decision. You can put your career and mine on the line in pursuit of a just cause, or just admit to have an embarrassing problem of the personal nature.

Officer Hanson: Hey. Maybe they didn't tell you, but I've been reassigned.

Officer Ryan: Yeah, they told me. I just wanted to say good luck and it was good riding with you.

Officer Hanson: You too.

Officer Ryan: Wait 'till you've been on the job a few more years. Look at me.

Officer Hanson: Yeah.

Officer Ryan: Look at me. Wait 'till you've been doing it a little longer.

Officer Hanson: Radio cheque two one L two three.

Officer #1: Two one L two three. I'm hearing strange noises from your car.

Officer #2: Likewise, twenty one, L. Is your mic open by any chance?

Officer Hanson: I'm trying to help you.

Cameron: I didn't ask for your help, did I?

Cameron: You fucking want me? Here I am you pig fuck

Officer Hill: Face down on the ground spread your arms and legs

Cameron: No you face down on the ground spread your arms and legs

Officer Hill: Don't come any closer, down on your knees

Cameron: Fuck you what are you going to do? Pull the fucking trigger then

Officer Hill: On your knees now

Cameron: You get on your knees and suck my mother fucking dick while your down there

Officer Hill: Do I look like I'm fucking joking with you?

Cameron: You look like a fucking joke to me

Officer Hill: This man is making threatening gestures

Cameron: Threatening gestures? You want to see a threatening gesture? I got a threatening gesture for you

Officer Hanson: I know this man

Cameron: You don't fucking know me

Officer Hanson: You see what's happening here? Do you want to die here? Is that what you want? Because these guys are going to shoot you and the way your acting they'll be completely fucking justified

Cameron: Fuck you

Officer Hanson: Fuck me? I'm not the one whose fucked here you're the one who's fucked here because it's not going to be my head blown off and onto that man's patio

Cameron: What do you want from me?

Officer Hanson: Unless you think your wife is going to be better off with a husband who has a bloody stump for a head I want you to sit down on the curb and put your hands on your head and do nothing until I speak with these officers

Cameron: I'm not sitting on the curb and putting my hands on my head for nobody

Officer Hanson: Then stand where you are and keep your hands in plain sight can you do that?

Cameron: I can do that

Officer Hanson: I told this man to stand where he is and keep his hands in plain sight

Officer Hill: This man better be related to you by blood because this is fucking nuts

Officer Hanson: I need this favor you can check the guy's license his got no priors no warrants I need to let him go with a "warning"

Officer Hill: What kind of fucking "warning"?