Number 5 Quotes in Short Circuit (1986)

Number 5: Hey, laser lips, your mama was a snow blower.

Number 5: Number 5 is alive.

Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.

[Stephanie is in the bath]

Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!

Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...

Number 5: Attractive! Nice software.

Stephanie Speck: You sure don't talk like a machine...

Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?

Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.

Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?

Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?

Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?

Number 5: *I* told me.

Newton Crosby: Holy shit.

Number 5: No shit. Where see shit?

Number 5: [Reading a Billboard] Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine.

Number 5: No.

Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?

Number 5: Yes.

Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?

Number 5: Yes.

Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT?

Number 5: Yes, not.

Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.

Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?

Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!

Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Number 5: Colt .45. Semi-automatic.

[crushes the gun]

Number 5: Play-doh.

[when driving a campervan into a fish hung on a wire]

Number 5: Fish. Salmon. Sushi.

Number 5: Beautiful animal... canine... dog... mutt.

Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!

Number 5: Disassemble?

Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Stephanie Speck: I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a ROBOT! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!

Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell...

Number 5: Number 5 stupid name... want to be Kevin or Dave!

Number 5: Bird. Raven. Nevermore.

Number 5: Frankie, you broke the unwritten law. You ratted on your friends. When you do that Frankie, your enemies don't respect you. You got no friends no more. You got nobody, Frankie.

Number 5: [parodying a TV presenter's voice during his fight against the other SAINTs] "Escaped Robot Fights for His Life. Film at Eleven."

Stephanie Speck: Boy am I the jerk of the world!

Number 5: Jerk of the world: Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.

Number 5: [as John Wayne] Ah don't worry little lady, I'll fix their wagon.

Number 5: [imitating Elmer Fudd after having seen the show on Stephanie's TV] Well, I guess that waps you up, you wascally wobot - huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh!

Number 5: Benjamin Jabituya, delete.

Benjamin Jabituya: No, wait! Rethink yourself!

Number 5: Exit. Depart. Leave.

Benjamin Jabituya: Eat my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind.

[leaves]

Number 5: Newton Crosby, no run, no talk, drive.

[Crosby stalls]

Number 5: Today, Crosby! Today!

Number 5: Not malfunction Stephanie. Number 5 is alive.

Newton Crosby: Number 5, What do you make of this?

[hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup]

Number 5: Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate...

Newton Crosby: Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot.

Number 5: ...and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!

Frank: [to Number 5] Listen, why don't you say we jump in my car and I'll take you home.

Stephanie Speck: [knowingly] Uh, tell him where home is.

Frank: Uh, home is NOVA.

[Beasley barks]

Number 5: [throws tray at Frank] NOVA? NO! No disassemble!

Stephanie Speck: Run, Number 5, run!

Number 5: Come on, treads, don't fail me now!

Frank: [runs after him] You tricked me, you little bitch!

Stephanie Speck: Oh, does this mean I don't get my $5,000? Well, forget it! FORGET IT! He can run thirty miles an hour, you big stupid JERK!

Frank: [grabs her] Hey, I'll show you how stupid I am! Guess who's gonna help me catch him!

Stephanie Speck: No, I'd rather die first!

Frank: [sees that his Pontiac is gone] What the hell happened to my car?

Number 5: Hi!

[Frank's car is shown totally dismantled]

Number 5: Piece of cake!

Frank: Oh, my God! My car!

Stephanie Speck: [smiles] Oh, way to go, Number 5!

Number 5: Kick ass? Donkey, mule, burrow.

Number 5: Many fragments. Some large, some small.

Number 5: No disassemble Number Five!

Number 5: Well, if you gotta go, don't squeeze the Charmin.

Number 5: [on seeing the Sun] Oooooo! Beautiful. Light bulb.

Stephanie Speck: No - sun.

Number 5: Beautiful No-sun.

Number 5: Error. Grasshopper disassembled... Re-assemble!

Number 5: Okay, to make these golden fluffy pancakes... add flour, milk and eggs... Mix thoroughly...

[uses his own motor to rotate the mixer - the bowl contents splatter all over the room]

Number 5: Ooooo... Still lumpy!

Number 5: Number 5

[Pushing Skroeder away]

Number 5: Number 5: No, no, please. No autographs, sir!

Number 5: Number 5:

[Grabs Stephanie]

Number 5: Come Stephanie! We be jamming!

[Busts out side of wall of Black Lion]

Number 5: [spilling and dumping the contents out of the glasses and boxes on Stephanie's counter] Drinking glass... Pasta, spaghetti!

Stephanie Speck: [picking up one of her kittens away from Number 5's mess] Very good...

Number 5: [dumping out spaghetti sauce out of a sauce pan] Liquid, spaghetti sauce...

Stephanie Speck: Look! This may be funny from where you come from! But on this planet, it's considered rude!

Number 5: [distracted by baskets of fruit] Oooo... Baskets... fruit!

[proceeds to dump the fruit out of the metal baskets by pushing the baskets upward]

Number 5: [as he dumps the fruit] Oranges, Apples, Lemons, Limes...

Stephanie Speck: [sarcastically] Why great! Thanks a lot!

Number 5: Escape, escape! Please, hide! Refuge!

Stephanie Speck: What are you afraid of? What's the matter with you?

Number 5: N.O.V.A. robotics, disassemble, dead! Disassemble, Number 5 dead!

Stephanie Speck: But you can't die, you're a machine!

Number 5: No.

Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?

Number 5: Yes!

Stephanie Speck: Yes you are, or yes you're not?

Number 5: Yes...

Stephanie Speck: Yes, what?

Number 5: Yes... not.

Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction!

Number 5: Not malfunction, Stephanie... Number 5... is alive!

[last lines]

Number 5: Number 5 stupid name; want to be Kevin, or Dave.

Newton Crosby: Just watch the road, okay?

Number 5: Maybe Johnny... Yeah, Johnny 5.

Stephanie Speck: Yes!

Newton Crosby: Cool.