Nigel Quotes in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Sanderson Reed: Where is your sense of patriotism?

Allan Quatermain: [stands up with a drink] God save the Queen.

[the other patrons of the club mutter an apathetic return to the toast]

Nigel: God save her.

Allan Quatermain: [to Reed] That's about as patriotic as it gets around here.

Nigel: Perhaps I should toddle off, should I, Allan?

Allan Quatermain: Yes, of course, Nigel. You toddle off.

Nigel: Toddling.

Nigel: Oh, terrific. The old dangling-in-a-cage routine. Pathetic, Selena.

Selena: Get out of my house, Nigel, and don't come slithering back.

Nigel: Listen, Selena, I'm the only one who can save you from yourself. You *need* me.

Selena: Like an Eskimo needs a lawnmower, kiddo.

Nigel: I'm warning you, Selena. Don't be so shortsighted.

Nigel: I have a secret, Selena.

Selena: How exciting for you, Nigel. Best write it down before you forget it.

Nigel: After you left me there in the lurch, I saw something that should worry you greatly if you're serious about over the planet. My secret was blue and red, and it knew how to fly.

Selena: I have a secret, too, Nigel. I have the power. Now, get that through your head. Selena is through worrying. The shoe is on the other foot and it's their turn to worry, all those who mocked me when my chips were down.

Nigel: Oh, I bet they're really in for it now, eh?

Selena: Count on it.

Nigel: You girls are rank amateurs playing with fire.

Selena: Because we own the matches.

Nigel: I want to make a very serious proposal.

Selena: In that outfit?

Nigel: What's going on? Hey, what's going on?

Selena: I've just outgrown you, Nigel. These things happen!

Nigel: You can't treat me like this, Selena. Without me, you'd still be reading tea leaves at Lake Tahoe.

Nigel: Linda, are you with us?

Linda Lee: Um... Yes, sir, I am.

Nigel: Oh, are you? Where, might I ask?

Linda Lee: Well, here, sir, on Earth.

Seagulls: Mine. Mine. Mine! Mine!

[repeatedly]

Nigel: Would you just shut up! You rats with wings.

[as the pelicans watch Gerald choking on his breakfast]

Nigel: Reckon somebody oughta help the poor guy.

Pelicans: [all shrug and mutter] Yeah, yeah right...

Nigel: [sarcastically] Well, don't everybody fly off at once.

Nigel: Hi there. From my neck of the woods, eh? Sorry if I took a snap at you at one time. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.

Nigel: [quietly] Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth... if you want to live.

Marlin: Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live?

Seagull: Mine?

Nigel: Because - I can take you to your son.

Marlin: Yeah, right.

Nigel: No, I know your son. He's orange and has a gimpy fin on one side.

Marlin: [shouts and jumps] That's Nemo!

[Marlin tells Nigel to go into the dentist's office]

Nigel: I can't go in there!

Marlin: Oh yes you can! Charge!

[Marlin grabs Nigel's tongue a forces him to charge into the room]

[Gerald the pelican seems to be choking]

Nigel: [casually] Alright Gerald, what is it? Fish got your tongue?

[Gerald opens his mouth to show this is indeed the case]

Dory, Marlin: Aaaaahh!

Nigel: Love a duck!

Nigel: I'm not interested about your nicked knick-kacks. Your burgled baubles bore me.

Nigel: [singing] I'm a feathery freak with a beak, a bird murderer. You think you're badder than me? I never heard o' ya!

Nigel: Going somewhere, pretty bird?

Jewel: Oh, yeah. I was just on my way to claw your eyes out!

Nigel: [jumping onto the cage Blu and Jewel are being held in] Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy. But I used to be quite a looker.

[shows them a poster with himself looking dashing on it]

Nigel: A star! Lights. Camera. Action!

[he starts singing]

Nigel: I was striking, suave, ambitious. Feet to beak. So bodylicious. Now I am wild. I am villainous and vicious. Oh! And malicious. I had it all. A TV show. Women too! I was tall, over one foot two! And then they got a pretty parakeet to fill my shoes. That's why I'm so evil why I do what I do!

[a chorus of birds starts singing]

Chorus of birds: He was a super star!

Nigel: So young and vital.

Chorus of birds: He's ghastly!

Nigel: A South American Idol!

Chorus of birds: He's a suspicious bird!

Nigel: Who said that about me?

Chorus of birds: A very vicious bird.

Nigel: I'll have you rotisseried! I'm a feathery freak, with a beak. A bird murder! You think you're badder than me. I never head of ya. I'm evil. I'll fill your cheese balls with weevils!

[continues his singing to Blu and Jewel]

Nigel: I poop on people and I blame it on seagulls.

[we see a seagull nearby]

Nigel: It was him.

Chorus of birds: He's a nasty bird!

Nigel: I'm invincible. I'm unmincable. I'm unwashable. Unrinsable. Like an abandoned school, I have no principle. Full of Brazilian birds. All eighty million birds. I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you.

[to the chorus of birds who continue singing]

Nigel: Shut up now. Shut up!

[the chorus of birds stop singing]

Nigel: It's just me.

[to Blu and Jewel]

Nigel: I will make you ugly too! Sweet nightmares.

[laughs wickedly and flies away]

Blu: Not cool, man! Scary, but not cool!

Nigel: Hello, boys. Seems like you've had a busy day.

Lead marmoset: What, this?

[referring to all the stuff they've stolen from tourists]

Lead marmoset: This is just some stuff we... found! Right boys?

[the crowd of monkeys all agree]

Nigel: I'm not interested in your nicked knick-knacks. Your burgled baubles bore me.

Nigel: There are two blue macaws out there, and I need your multitude of eyes to help me find them.

Lead marmoset: Oh, yeah? What's in it for us?

Nigel: Well, that's a fair question.

[he suddenly takes the lead marmoset and flies high into the sky]

Nigel: Let's discuss it.

[Nigel drops him]

Nigel: I certainly see your point.

[to the lead marmoset as he's falling down]

Nigel: But what could I possibly do for you in return? Hmm?

Lead marmoset: Save me! Save me!

Nigel: Oh? Well, that's a thought. Yeah. But is it enough? I don't want to feel like I'm cheating you.

Lead marmoset: Help me! Help me! Help me! We'll do it! We'll do it! Save me! Please! Save meeeee!

[just before he hits the ground, he stops as Nigel catches him]

Nigel: All right, you've twisted my wing. Deal. Now then, anymore questions?

[the group of monkeys remain silent]

Nigel: No? Good. You will spread out and you will find these macaws by the end of the day, or it's flying lessons for everyone! Go!

[the group of monkeys all scream with fright and run off]

Nigel: [grabs hold of a tiny green bird] Stop your chirping and talk to me!

Green bird: No! No! No! I don't know anything! Help!

Nigel: Mmm... when I bite down on your head, will it go pop? Or will it go crack?

[he squeezes hard on the little green birds head]

Nigel: Where are the cerulean birds? That means blue, by the way.

Green bird: Went to Luiz.

Nigel: Anything else?

Green bird: They said you were very nice.

Nigel: Hmm... did they? Well... liar!

Green bird: And... handsome too.

[Nigel throws the little green bird and it hits the lead marmoset in the head]

Nigel: Never send a monkey to do a bird's job.

Nigel: [Nigel catches Jewel as she's flying] Going somewhere, pretty bird?

Jewel: Oh, yeah! I was just on my way to claw your eyes out!

[she punches him in the face, Nico and Pedro see Nigel get ahold of Jewel]

Nigel: Temper, temper. Now come along, my dear. We're going to a parade. And everybody loves a parade!

Blu: [in the smugglers' float] Hey, Jewel?

Jewel: Blu!

Blu: I'm gonna get you outta here.

Jewel: No, no! You can't be here! You have to go! Nigel is...

[suddenly Nigel attacks Blu and throws Blu in a cage]

Nigel: Hello, pretty bird. So kind of you to join our little soiree.

Blu: Oh, come on! You really think I came alone? I got three of the roughest, meanest, craziest birds in all of Rio right behind me.

Pedro: Woohoo! You know there guys!

[Blu sees that Nigel has placed Nico, Pedro and Rafael in a cage nearby]

Pedro: We're saved! That's right! That's right! That's right!

Rafael: Uh... I think he means us.

Pedro: Oh.

Nigel: Ah, love! It's such a powerful and stupid thing.

Jewel: [after Blu has released all the other caged birds, Nigel attacks Blu] Let him go!

[Nigel hits Jewel away she falls against the wall of the plane and a cage falls on her wing]

Jewel: Ow!

Blu: Jewel!

Jewel: My wing!

Nigel: Oh, pity! Now we have two useless, flightless birds.

[Blu grabs hold of the hose on the fire extinguisher and attaches it to Nigel's leg]

Blu: Not cool, man! Not cool!

[Blu releases the pressure on the fire extinguisher and Nigel bursts out of the plane]

Nigel: [jumping onto the cage Blu and Jewel are being held in] Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy. But I used to be quite a looker.

[shows them a poster with himself looking dashing on it]

Nigel: A star! Lights. Camera. Action!

[he starts singing]

Nigel: I was striking, suave, ambitious feet to beak, so birdy-licious. Now I am vile, I am villainous and vicious. Oh! And malicious. I had it all. A TV show, Women too! I was tall, over one foot two! And then they got a pretty parakeet to fill my shoes. That's why I am so evil why I do what I do!

[a chorus of birds starts singing]

Chorus of birds: He was a super star!

Nigel: So young and vital.

Chorus of birds: He's nasty!

Nigel: A South American Idol!

Chorus of birds: He's a suspicious bird!

Nigel: Who said that about me?

Chorus of birds: A very vicious bird.

Nigel: I'll have you rotisseried! I was the king of telenovelas The envy of all the other fellows. Then I was pushed out for a Pretty Polly parakeet from Paraguay they called Patricious. Common Paraguayan name.

Chorus of birds: He's a nasty bird!

Nigel: I'm insidious.

Chorus of birds: He's nasty.

Nigel: Oh, I'm hideous!

Chorus of birds: He was a real macaw.

Nigel: I'm a cockatoo!

Chorus of birds: An obscene bird!

Nigel: Yes, that word's true. I'm a feathery freak, with a beak. A bird murder! You think you're badder than me. I never head of ya. I'm evil. I'll fill your cheese balls with weevils!

[continues his singing to Blu and Jewel]

Nigel: I poop on people and I blame it on seagulls.

[we see a seagull nearby]

Nigel: It was him.

Chorus of birds: He's a nasty bird!

Nigel: I'm invincible.

Chorus of birds: He's nasty!

Nigel: I'm unminceable. I'm unwashable, Unrinsable. Like an abandoned school I have no principal! All of you Brazilian birds, all 18 million birds, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you...

[to the chorus of birds who continue singing]

Nigel: Shut up now, shut up!

[the chorus of birds stop singing]

Nigel: It's just me. I will make you ugly too. Did you hear how dramatic that was, with the end?

[laughs wickedly and flies away]

Blu: Not cool, man! Scary, but not cool!

Nigel: [jumping onto the cage Blu and Jewel are being held in] Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy. But I used to be quite a looker.

[shows them a poster with himself looking dashing on it]

Nigel: A star! Lights. Camera. Action!

[he starts singing]

Nigel: I was striking, suave, ambitious feet to beak, so birdy-licious. Now I am vile, I am villainous and vicious. Oh! And malicious. I had it all. A TV show, Women too! I was tall, over one foot two! And then they got a pretty parakeet to fill my shoes. That's why I am so evil why I do what I do!

[a chorus of birds starts singing]

Chorus of birds: He was a super star!

Nigel: So young and vital.

Chorus of birds: He's nasty!

Nigel: A South American Idol!

Chorus of birds: He's a suspicious bird!

Nigel: Who said that about me?

Chorus of birds: A very vicious bird.

Nigel: I'll have you rotisseried! I was the king of telenovelas The envy of all the other fellows. Then I was pushed out for a Pretty Polly parakeet from Paraguay they called Patricious. Common Paraguayan name.

Chorus of birds: He's a nasty bird!

Nigel: I'm insidious.

Chorus of birds: He's nasty.

Nigel: Oh, I'm hideous!

Chorus of birds: He was a real macaw.

Nigel: I'm a cockatoo!

Chorus of birds: An obscene bird!

Nigel: Yes, that word's true. I'm a feathery freak, with a beak. A bird murder! You think you're badder than me. I never head of ya. I'm evil. I'll fill your cheese balls with weevils!

[continues his singing to Blu and Jewel]

Nigel: I poop on people and I blame it on seagulls.

[we see a seagull nearby]

Nigel: It was him.

Chorus of birds: He's a nasty bird!

Nigel: I'm invincible.

Chorus of birds: He's nasty!

Nigel: I'm unminceable. I'm unwashable, unrinsable. Like an abandoned school I have no principal! All of you Brazilian birds, all 18 million birds, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you...

[to the chorus of birds who continue singing]

Nigel: Shut up now, shut up!

[the chorus of birds stop singing]

Nigel: It's just me. I will make you ugly too. Sweet nightmares!

[laughs wickedly and flies away]

Blu: Not cool, man! Scary, but not cool!

Nigel: Hello, pretty bird. What's the matter? Cockatoo got your throat?

Nigel: We'll attack at the midnight hour because it's more evil.

Nigel: The croaking cockatoo doth bellow for revenge.

[Gabi appears on a pole on the right]

Nigel: That's Shakespeare, by the way.

Gabi: Without your performance, it's nothing.

Nigel: Fair point.

Nigel: Keep celebrating. I'll be pooping on your party promptly.

[laughs evilly but Gabi laughs even more evilly until she stops]

Nigel: It only works when I do it.

Gabi: Okay. Love ya.

Nigel: Patterson the lion killer. I do wish I had been here for the hunt.

John Patterson: No, you don't.

Nigel: As that famous koala once said, "We will fight them... with... peaches."

Nigel: We - are - going - to - die!

Nigel: [as a pack of dogs runs away] Go on, you mutts! Stupid dogs, we could've taken you.

[the pack of dogs return]

Nigel: Taken you to a... to a disco.

Nigel: Here I come! Hey!

[lands hard on the fence]

Nigel: Who put that bar there?

Nigel: I am not a doll.

Monkey #1: Cushy Tushy!

Nigel: Aaahhh! Leave my bum alone!

Nigel: Do we not have the Party Hats of Death? I've got mine.

[talking about a sewer system]

Samson: Appears to be a human bathing area.

Nigel: You mean humans don't lick themselves clean? Disgusting!

Nigel: [wearing a popcorn dispenser] I've got popcorn up my bum. Does I look trashy in this?

Nigel: It's fine - it's just leaves, and vines, and AAAAH what's that? Oh, that's my foot.

Nigel: [to a wildebeast] Terribly sorry to bother you, but, um, do you speak koala? Sprechen Sie koala?

Nigel: Permission to go down with the ship, sir? Hang on, stuff that - everyone off the ship!

Nigel: If you don't give us ice creams pretty quick, you're gonna walk the plank, sir.

Nigel: Ooh. Does anyone have any eucalyptus wipes?

Bob: Hey, dogs, you got any edibles? Any nibbley-dibbleys?

Flealick: Eh, we got a carpet here with some nice spaghetti stains.

Nigel: But we can't keep licking the carpet, can we, Alan?

Nigel: You will have your own challenges, and I'll bet you'll meet them splendidly.

Nigel: Stand perfectly still!

Preston: It's the real Prince. The genuine article.

Prince: Yes, my friends, I have returned to you at this, our darkest hour. So tell me Winston, what exactly is Lord Dargis up to?

Winston: He intends to level our homes and kill us all.

Prince: O... kay. Well, in that case, I decree that we pack our bags and get our scraggy bottoms out of here. Perhaps to the castle next door.

Garfield: [turns to leave] Oh boy.

Nigel: Well, that was inspirational.

Bolero: Brilliant.

McBunny: I am so fired up.

Garfield: [walking back] You know, I believe we can do better.

Preston: I thought you were leaving.

Garfield: Hey. Button the beak, Froot Loops, or I'll stick that thing on backwards. Look, Lord Doofus is just another bully. And what do we do to bullies?

Meenie: Well, generally, we run from them.

Garfield: [confident] No, we don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt. Trust me, if you beastsssss can bake a two-cheese lasagna, you can beat Dargis.

Preston: Well, do you have a plan, Garfield?

Garfield: Tell you what. For the duration of this battle I would prefer to be called "G-Cat". And *we*...

[indicating Prince]

Garfield: ... have *two* plans.

Prince: [realizing] Oh teamwork.

Nigel: Got it. Could have just come down and told me that, couldn't he? Alright, listen up. Barnyard newsflash. I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Christophe, Bolero, Eenie, McBunny: The bad news.

Nigel: Lord Dargis just threw Prince in the river.

[animals panic]

Winston: Okay, give me the good news.

Nigel: He was in a lovely picnic basket.

Eenie: If he throws us in the river, we'll never survive!

Christophe: You're ducks, you could swim.

Eenie: Oh.

Preston: [enters the barnyard with a scroll] Winston, I'm next in line for the throne.

Bolero: Uh-oh. This could get ugly.

Preston: [rolls out the scroll] I have here a new list of rules for governance.

Winston: Preston, I hardly think that's necessary.

Preston: Rule number one. The barnyard animals congregate entirely too close to the castle. We house pets need our space.

McBunny: Oh, you've got enough space, laddie, right between your ears!

[animals laugh]

Preston: You take that back! I command you! As your new king...

Winston: Look. There's still a chance Prince may find his way back here. In the meantime, Claudius, you go into the castle and find out what Dargis is up to.

I, Claudius: I'm on it. I'm your mouse on the inside.

Winston: I'll see what I can learn from my end.

Winston: Oyez, oyez. Prince XII has returned.

[ducks trumpet]

Garfield: Thank you windbag, for that flobbering introduction. Hello, everybody!

[animals look in astonishment]

Garfield: Hey, listen up...

[flicks Winston's nose]

Garfield: is this an audience or a landscape? Okay, great to be back here at the palace. I look out, I see a sea of... of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who's way out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, there's some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes. I hope you defeat it. Wish I could take everybody home with me. Thank you.

[walks away]

Garfield: I killed.

Winston: Very funny, sire. Well done.

Nigel: I didn't realize it was amateur hour.

Eenie: What's up with Prince?

Christophe: Oh, he's on the catnip again.

I, Claudius: Hold on, chaps! Have I got news for you!

McBunny: What's the word, Claudius?

I, Claudius: Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!

Nigel: Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury first, wouldn't he?

[animals complain]

Winston: Calm yourselves, everyone. We're alright as long as Prince is alive.

McBunny: Well, obviously, that feline is not Prince, you idiots!

Preston: He's not even a cat formerly known as Prince.

[animals argue]

Winston: Wait, he doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them.

McBunny: But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat too?

Winston: McBunny's right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it.

Nigel: You chaps know me, I'm no snob, right? But this cat is too much.

Preston: That is an embarrassment to our whole way of life.

Nigel: He's a disgrace to the furry race. "My pillow isn't soft enough, my TV remote won't work..."

Winston: Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know he's a pain in the neck but we just gotta keep him safe till Monday.

[ducks trumpet]

Garfield: Yeah, my loyal and fragrant subjects. Please, thank you. Briefly, I hate Mondays. I hate 'em. Therefore I decree, from this day forward, there will be no more Mondays.

Eenie, Meenie: What?

Garfield: Got it? Today is Tuesday, then. Happy Tuesday, everybody.

Christophe: Yeah, I think he's lost it.

Winston: Like I said, we just gotta keep him safe till Tuesday.

Andy Sachs: She hates me, Nigel.

Nigel: And that's my problem because... Oh, wait. No, it's not my problem.

Andy Sachs: I don't know what else I can do because if I do something right, it's unacknowledged. She doesn't even say thank you. But if I do something wrong, she is vicious.

Nigel: So quit.

Andy Sachs: What?

Nigel: Quit.

Andy Sachs: Quit?

Nigel: I can get another girl to take your job in five minutes... one who really wants it.

Andy Sachs: No, I don't want to quit. That's not fair. But, I, you know, I'm just saying that I would just like a little credit... for the fact that I'm killing myself trying.

Nigel: Andy, be serious. You are not trying. You are whining. What is it that you want me to say to you, huh? Do you want me to say, "Poor you. Miranda's picking on you. Poor you. Poor Andy"? Hmm? Wake up, six. She's just doing her job. Don't you know that you are working at the place that published some of the greatest artists of the century? Halston, Lagerfeld, de la Renta. And what they did, what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it. Well, not you, obviously, but some people. You think this is just a magazine, hmm? This is not just a magazine. This is a shining beacon of hope for... oh, I don't know... let's say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really going to sewing class and reading Runway under the covers at night with a flashlight. You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls. And what's worse, you don't care. Because this place, where so many people would die to work you only deign to work. And you want to know why she doesn't kiss you on the forehead and give you a gold star on your homework at the end of the day. Wake up, sweetheart.

Nigel: Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke. Means it's time for a promotion.

Andy Sachs: So none of the girls here eat anything?

Nigel: Not since two became new four and zero became the new two.

Andy Sachs: Well, I'm a six...

Nigel: Which is the new fourteen.

Nigel: There's a scale. One nod is good, two nods is very good. There's only be one actual smile on record and that was Tom Ford in 2001. If she doesn't like it she shakes her head. Then of course there's the pursing of the lips.

Andy Sachs: Which means?

Nigel: Catastrophe.

Nigel: [Miranda has moved up a meeting] But we're not expected until Tuesday. Did she say why?

Andy Sachs: Yes. She explained every detail of her decision-making. And then we brushed each others' hair and gabbed about American Idol.

Nigel: I see your point.

Nigel: I don't know what you expect me to do. There's nothing in this whole closet that'll fit a size six. I can guarantee you. These are all sample sizes- two and four. All right. We're doing this for you. And...

Andy Sachs: A poncho?

Nigel: You'll take what I give you and you'll like it. We're doing this Dolce for you. And shoes. Jimmy Choo's. Manolo Blahnik. Nancy Gonzalez. Love that. Okay, Narciso Rodriguez. This we love. Uh, it might fit. It might.

Andy Sachs: What?

Nigel: Okay. Now, Chanel. You're in desperate need of Chanel. Darling, shall we? We have to get to the beauty department, and God knows how long that's going to take.

Nigel: [to Andy, who is buying lunch] Corn chowder. That's an interesting choice. You do know that cellulite is one of the main ingredients in corn chowder.

[at the "Urban Jungle" fashion shoot, talking to Andy]

Nigel: Excuse me, can we adjust the attitude? Don't make me feed you to one of the models.

Nigel: Come on. Miranda's pushed the run through up a half hour. And she's always 15 minutes early.

Andy Sachs: Which means?

Nigel: You're already late.

Emily: Oh my god. No, no, no!

Andy Sachs: What's wrong?

Emily: [on telephone] She's on her way. Tell everyone.

Nigel: Tsk. She's not supposed to be here until nine.

Emily: Her driver just text messaged and her facialist ruptured a disc. God, these people.

Nigel: [points at Andy and mouths] Who's that?

Emily: That, I can't even talk about.

Nigel: [opens the door] Alright everyone, gird your loins!

[as he's leaving]

Nigel: Did someone eat an onion bagel?

Andy Sachs: [looks slightly embarrased, starts smelling her breath]

Nigel: You bet your size 6 ass!

Andy Sachs: [whispers back gleefully] Size... 4.

[they high-five each other]

Andy Sachs: [seeing Nigel with a black gown] I love that! Will that fit me?

Nigel: A little Crisco and some fishing wire and we'll be in business.

Miranda Priestly: No. And I've seen all this before.

Jocelyn: Theyskens is trying to reinvent the drop waist, so actually it's...

Miranda Priestly: Where are all the other dresses?

Lucia: We have some right here.

Nigel: Stand, watch and listen.

Jocelyn: And I think it can be very interesting...

Miranda Priestly: No. No, I just- It's just baffling to me. Why is it so impossible to put together a decent run-through? You people have had hours and hours to prepare. It's just so confusing to me. Where are the advertisers?

Jocelyn: We have some pieces from Banana Republic.

Miranda Priestly: We need more, don't we? Oh. This is- This might be- What do you think of...

Nigel: Yeah. Well, you know me. Give me a full ballerina skirt and a hint of saloon and I'm on board.

Miranda Priestly: But do you think it's too much like...

Nigel: Like the Lacroix from July? I thought that, but no, not with the right accessories. It should work.

Miranda Priestly: Where are the belts for this dre- Why is no one ready?

Lucia: Here. It's a tough call. They're so different.

Nigel: [talking about Andy] Who is that *sad* little person? Are we doing a before-and-after piece I don't know about?

Nigel: [Nigel holds up a pair of fashionable high heels] I guessed an 8 and a half.

Andy Sachs: I don't need those. Miranda hired me. She knows what I look like.

Nigel: Do you?

Miranda Priestly: [to Andy] Emily? Emily!

Nigel: [to Andy] She means you.

Miranda Priestly: What about Testino? Where are we on that?

Nigel: Zac Posen's doing some very sculptural suits. So I suggested that, uh, Testino shoot them at the Noguchi Garden.

Miranda Priestly: Perfect. Thank God somebody came to work today.

Nigel: Oh, never mind. I'm sure you have plenty more poly-blend where that came from.

Nigel: Irv Ravitz. Chairman of Elias Clark. You know what they say. Tiny man. Huge ego.

Gabi Ibanescu: Nigel was my husband.

Nigel: I beg your pardon, Gabi, did you say was? Honestly, fucking was? No, Charlie, not fucking was. Fucking is. Fucking meaning I currently fucking am 'til death do us fucking part.

Nigel: Enjoy your new mates and your recreational drugs and the rest of it while you can. God knows it can all turn into blood in a blink of an eye.

Nigel: Is it true what they say, Charlie? Better to have loved and lost and all that?

Nigel: It was a Russian ship. They taught me all about you imperialist swine. I was exposed to the works of great thinkers - Karl Marx, Lenin, L. Ron Hubbard, Freddie Laker.

[a wounded Latrine stumbles into the Resistance hideout]

Nigel: What did you find out, Latrine?

Du Quois: Where are the others?

Latrine, Resistance Member: Oh, we never had a chance. It was a slaughter.

Deja Vu: We must put a stop to these afternoon football games.

Deja Vu: Nigel, what are you saying?

Nigel: How do we know he's NOT Mel Torme?

Nigel: [Du Quois gives the cow head part of the disguise to Nigel] No, you take the head. I'm taking the back.

Du Quois: But the plan was...

Nigel: Forget the plan. I'm giving the orders here. Now, shut up and give me the back part.

Du Quois: Alright, be an asshole.

Nigel: Good work, Chocolate Mousse.

Young Elizabeth: Daddy, why don't we throw mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She'll land in the gladiolas.

Nigel: You shouldn't say things like that about your mother... She might cut your head off.

Polly: [walks up to Nigel who is holding young Elizabeth at the bottom of the stairs]

[offering him the tape]

Polly: Nigel, do it.

Nigel: No, I won't. I don't want anything to do with it, it's not right.

Polly: Alright, I'll do it.

[begins to tape the jack-in-the-box close]

Nigel: [kisses Elizabeth and then goes to Polly]

[quietly]

Nigel: It's not right.

Polly: What do you know about raising a child?

Nigel: [looks to Elizabeth and to Polly] Apparently nothing.

[he leaves the house]

Wilf Bond: When you're finished being a croquet expert, Nigel, a pound I'll kick your arse.

Nigel: The way you play you probably will. You forget I saw your Barber of Seville, your singing brought tears to y ears.

Wilf Bond: Saw you in Carmen. I'll never forget it, but I'll try.

Nigel: Wooly thinking is for sheep; the fox gets the cream!

Nigel: You don't like her, do you mother?

Felicity Marshwood: Well of course I don't, I think she is a perfect ass.

Miranda Frayle: I am leaving; I am taking the 11 o'clock train.

Nigel: No, you can't do that!

Miranda Frayle: Why?

Nigel: It's a terrible train. You have to change twice!

Nigel: We just say riding in England. The horseback is taken for granted.

Miranda Frayle: I'm absolutely determined that the Countess of Marshwood shall be the longest, and greatest, role I ever played.

Felicity Marshwood: I do hope you won't find it too much of a strain.

Nigel: Mother!

Felicity Marshwood: I do know what I'm talking about. I've played it for years. I find it a good part, but technically rather exhausting.

Nigel: Miranda, will you kindly inform me what your ex-lover is doing under my roof?

Miranda Frayle: He's not under your roof.

Dora Moxton 'Moxie': He's in the garden.

Nigel: Somehow, and God knows how, we have to put the shattered pieces of this appalling nightmare back together again and carry on as if nothing has happened. Do I make myself clear?

Miranda Frayle: Does Bette Davis have and Oscar?

Nigel: What?

Nigel: She's English. Born and bred, you know.

Felicity Marshwood: Really? You'd never know. She does such a good job at hiding it.

Jimmy: Are you are looking for something that inhibits your polysynaptic reflexes and increases the alpha waves of your cerebral cortex?

Nigel: Pardon

Nigel: What do you know about reality?

The Scottish barmaid: Well the reality I know is that talking to you is like licking piss off a nettle.

The Scottish barmaid: you've got to loosen up, are you sure you won't have a drink with me later?

Nigel: [she pulls a single baked bean from Nigel's hair] A bean.

[pause]

Nigel: And I'm married.

Theodore Faron: A hundred years from now there won't be one sad fuck to look at any of this. What keeps you going?

Nigel: You know what it is, Theo? I just don't think about it.

Nigel: Are you feeling any better?

Mimi: Better than what?

Nigel: You know, this afternoon... in the loo?

Mimi: The loo? Is that your usual pick-up routine?

Nigel: Why do you think I want to hear it? I still don't know what gives you the idea that I enjoy being used as a rubbish-dump for your unsavory reminiscences?

Oscar: Don't you? Don't you really, Nigel?

Nigel: I hear the Pope's allowing contraceptives for all occasions, except during sexual intercourse.